Loving Jenna

by Amy Lillard

  “I’m sorry. Where are my manners?” She stepped back from the door and indicated that they should come inside.

  “I’m Abbie. I believe we met at church,” she continued, but she was looking at Mammi.

  Jenna’s grandmother nodded. “Nadine Burkhart.”

  Abbie smiled. She really was a pretty little thing, even through her sadness and exhaustion. “I would offer you something to drink . . .”

  “No need,” Nadine said. “Jenna, do you have something you want to ask Abbie?”

  She had almost forgotten why they were there. “Caroline Fitch sent me. She said you might need help with the babies.”

  Abbie laughed; the sound was a little too hearty and loud and didn’t contain enough joy. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “It’s not been easy with the girls.”

  “I can see.” Jenna rubbed her lips lightly against the top of the baby’s head. Her hair was like down, soft, fine, almost no color to it at all.

  “My mother is usually here, but she’s gone to the doctor today. I love her, but in all honesty, she’s not as much help as she wants to be.”

  “I understand.”

  Tears filled Abbie’s eyes. “They love their daddy more . . .”

  “That’s not true,” Jenna said. “You just need some rest.” The words came as a dribble of sweet baby slobber trickled down her back.

  “They don’t cry when he holds them,” Abbie sobbed. Then visibly pulled herself together. If Jenna had seen her on the street, she would have thought the woman crazy. But she knew, Abbie Lambert was merely completely exhausted. She settled down onto the couch, sort of slumped in one corner, still wearing the baby carrier with the baby still inside.

  “That’s because they sense your exhaustion.”

  Jenna settled down in the rocker with her twin and continued to hold her close.

  “Jah. Exhaustion.” Abbie’s eyes closed. The little peanut of a baby was balanced on her chest, which rose and fell with a steady rhythm. She was asleep.

  “Poor thing.” Mammi tsked as she surveyed the new mamm with sympathetic eyes.

  “I should stay,” Jenna said.

  “You don’t want to wake her?”

  “No. That seems mean. She’s so tired.”

  “She’ll be okay like that,” Mammi said. “For a while anyway.”

  Jenna nodded. “I’ll get this one to sleep, then take that one from her.”

  Mammi smiled. “That’s a good plan, Jenna Gail. I guess I’ll come back this afternoon.”

  Jenna nodded. Whether she was hired or not remained to be seen, but she was definitely helping Abbie Lambert today. God just had a way of making things like that happen.

  * * *

  Shortly after noon, the back door opened and a man walked in. Jenna had peeked outside a couple of times and saw a couple of men working. Maybe three, and she knew before long they would want to eat something.

  She got both babies asleep, managed to get Abbie in a more comfortable position on the couch without waking her, and set out for the kitchen.

  Half an hour later, this large blond-haired man went to the sink to wash up, even as he kept looking back at her.

  “Where’s Abbie?” he finally asked.

  “Asleep on the couch.”

  His eyebrows rose. “Really? And the babies?”

  “Asleep in their crib.”

  Those high brows turned into wrinkled ones as they met in the center to form a frown. “At the same time?” He dried his hands, then started for the kitchen exit, the one that led into the rest of the house.

  “Jah,” she said.

  She supposed he was on his way to check, but she would never know for sure. He pulled himself up short, tossed the dishtowel on the cabinet and turned back to her.

  “I’m Titus.”

  She nodded. “Nice to meet you. I’m—”

  “Jenna?”

  She looked behind Abbie’s husband to see Buddy come through the door. “Jenna Burkhart! What are you doing here?”

  Titus looked from her to Buddy, then back again. “Jenna?” he asked. “The same Jenna you’ve been talking about all morning?”

  Buddy turned that sweet shade of pink which proclaimed he had embarrassed himself, and grinned. “Jah. The very same.” Then he turned to Jenna. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see if Abbie needed any help with the babies.”

  “Yes,” Titus said. “I don’t care what she tells you, you are staying. Anyone who can get both babies and their mamm asleep at the same time has a job with me.”

  Jenna beamed. Honestly she knew her smile was overlarge, way too big for her face, but she had never heard sweeter praise. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m helping Titus with the camels.”

  “And he’s doing a great job.”

  It was Buddy’s turn to bask in the praise. “I like animals.”

  Titus laughed. “It’s easy to like cows and dogs,” he said. “Camels are a little harder to love.”

  Buddy gasped. “Dogs!”

  “What?” Titus asked.

  “I can’t stay here. I have a dog.”

  Jenna shook her head. “Did I miss something?”

  “I’m supposed to stay here, in the room in the barn. But I can’t. I’ll need to be home to take care of PJ.”

  Titus nodded. “The pup you got from Obie Brenneman?”

  “Jah.”

  “I’m sure Jonathan will take care of him. And you can see him when you go home.”

  He shook his head. “Dat said he was my responsibility. I have to take care of him.”

  “Bring him here.” Titus gave a casual shrug.

  “What?”

  “You’ll have to train him not to chase the camels, but every farm needs a dog.”

  Buddy propped his hands on his hips and eyed Titus Lambert. “Then why don’t you have one already?”

  He gave a sad shake of his head. “The last one was killed a couple of weeks ago. He got out of the run and made a dash for the road.”

  “That’s a terrible way to die.” Not that she had ever died that way, but she knew firsthand drowning was peaceful. What she remembered of it anyway.

  “I can’t have that.” Buddy shook his head.

  “We’ll come up with a leash on the clothesline or something. Give him freedom to run, but not enough to get out of the yard.”

  “Really?” Buddy asked, then he shook his head. “I can’t let you keep doing things for me,” he said.

  “Why not?” Titus asked.

  “I have to learn to do things on my own. Dat said.”

  “I know,” Titus said, “but you can take help from a friend.”

  Buddy shook his head. “I . . . I want to marry Jenna.”

  Heat flamed from Jenna’s middle all the way to the roots of her hair.

  Titus looked from Buddy to her and back again. “So it’s like that.” She couldn’t tell what he meant by those words and his tone was level, not one thing or another.

  “Jah,” Buddy said. “It’s like that. Jenna and I want to be married.”

  “We love each other,” Jenna said, even though her words caused another burst of heat to overtake her.

  “And we can’t have people helping us all the time. We have to show our parents that we are able to take care of ourselves. Without anyone’s help.”

  “And that’s why you wanted a job.”

  Buddy nodded, then Titus swung his gaze to her. Jenna nodded as well.

  “I see what you are saying,” Titus said. “But helping one another is the Amish way. You’d think your parents would be used to it by now.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “How do you expect to get out there every day?” Mamm asked over supper that evening.

  Jenna had stayed with Abbie until her mamm got home and took over the care of the babies. Abbie was still asleep when Mammi came back for Jenna. As tired as she looked, Jenna figured it would be a while before Abbie was back to the pe
rson she had been before.

  “I don’t know,” Jenna replied. She hadn’t thought about that. Except that Mamm wouldn’t believe she was grown-up until she had a job, and she couldn’t get a job unless someone would take her to work. It didn’t seem quite fair. But she knew better than to tell her mother that.

  All Jenna cared about were those perfect little girls who needed so much because they came too soon and worried their mother with all their demands. Even with all that, Jenna loved them already.

  “And what is she going to pay you to help with the babies?” Mamm asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “How many days a week?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “This is what I’ve been talking about. If you are not responsible enough to find out all the details, then you are not responsible enough to hold down the job.”

  Jenna managed to stay in her seat. Jumping up and yelling would only serve to prove Mamm’s point even more. “But I am.”

  “Are you talking back, Jenna Gail?”

  “No, Mamm.” Jenna dropped her gaze to her lap and did her best to fight back tears. She was so confused. All she wanted was to be a little more like everyone else and all she could do was nothing.

  She had thought about all those questions as she had rocked the babies and watched their mother catch up on her sleep. Abbie had looked so peaceful, like she was resting so well, that Jenna didn’t even wake her up to say good-bye. She just thanked Abbie’s mamm and left. As far as she was concerned, everything else could wait until Abbie was more like herself.

  “Charlotte,” Mammi started.

  “Nadine, I don’t need your interference.”

  “Jah, you do.”

  Jenna looked up, surprised by the hard tone of her mammi’s words.

  “She wants a job and she went out and found one. And I remind you this was after you told her that if she wanted to show you that she was grown-up that she had to get a job. Now you’re telling her that she can’t because you aren’t taking her to work or you’re not willing to let her drive herself.”

  “She is not driving herself.” Mamm’s words brooked no argument. Jenna had heard the tone before.

  “I could scooter,” Jenna offered. “And I’ve heard that Cephas lets some people have bikes.”

  “It is too far to scooter, and I’m not that concerned with what the bishop lets others get away with.”

  “Mamm.” Her tone turned to one of begging. “Please.”

  “Scootering is out. But maybe I can think of another way. Let me study on it.”

  Jenna nodded. It was all she could ask for. “And tomorrow? If nothing else, I should go and tell her that I can’t work.”

  “I’ll drive you in the morning,” Mammi said.

  “Thank you,” Jenna said, even though her heart was breaking. The last thing she wanted to do was tell Abbie that she wouldn’t be back to help. She had felt useful, really useful today. Maybe more useful than she had ever felt.

  She would just have to pray that Mamm would find a solution that would suit them both.

  * * *

  “Mammi,” Jenna started as her grandmother pulled the tractor to a stop in front of the Lamberts’ farmhouse. Her mother hadn’t come up with a way that pleased her for Jenna to travel to the Lamberts’, so now she had the tough chore of telling Abbie that she wouldn’t be able to help her. Even worse than that, Jenna had been looking forward to seeing Buddy every day. Yesterday she had thought the Lord had heard and answered all their prayers. Today . . .

  “I’d like to stay for the day,” Jenna continued. “If that’s all right.”

  Mammi nodded. “You’re a good girl, Jenna. Sweet to be concerned about your neighbors.”

  Jenna felt the heat rise in her cheeks. She loved the praise, but she couldn’t let Mammi drive away without telling her the truth. “Buddy Miller has been working here too.”

  Mammi nodded. “I see.”

  “But I’ll tell Abbie today that I don’t have means to get here every day. I know she’ll understand.”

  “I’ll be back this afternoon.”

  “Thanks, Mammi.” Jenna swung down from the tractor as Mammi cranked it and prepared to leave the Lamberts’ property.

  “Jenna, hi.”

  She turned as Buddy and Titus came out of the barn. They were already dusty and a little sweaty and she knew despite the early hour they had already been hard at work. “Hi.” She did her best to make her smile spread to the both of them, but her gaze kept straying back to Buddy. She was going to miss seeing him. Maybe they could come up with another way. But truth be told, they hadn’t come up with this one. It had just happened. And that was something that would most likely never come around again.

  “I just want to thank you,” Titus said. “You really took a lot off Abbie and her mother yesterday. They were able to rest last night and take turns with the twins. Thank you. You’ll never know how much that means to us all.”

  Now that made her feel terrible. She bit her lip. “I’m glad,” she started, “but after today I won’t be able to come back again.”

  Titus stared at her as if somehow he had forgotten what language she spoke or maybe the language itself. “You can’t come back?” he asked. “Ever?”

  “Maybe a couple of times a month, but I don’t have a ride here.”

  She didn’t add that she was starting to suspect that her mother didn’t want her to have a ride and therefore she didn’t, but the words sounded ugly enough in her thoughts. She could not say them out loud.

  He shook his head. “We’ll figure something out. You were such a big help. You are a big help. And you wanted a job, right?”

  “Jah.” She needed the job, needed a way to show her mother that she was grown-up enough to hold the responsibility. She couldn’t do that if she was sitting at home.

  He snapped his fingers. “You can stay here. And when you need to go home, I’ll take you.”

  Jenna’s heart soared for a brief moment. That would show Mamm. If she found a place to stay and a job. How could her mother find fault in that?

  Then the truth set in.

  “I can’t stay here.” How she wished she didn’t have to say those words. “I can’t stay here because Buddy is already staying here. We can’t both stay here,” Jenna said. Her mamm would not approve of such an arrangement. Nor would the bishop. They could have all the innocent arrangements that they wanted, to the outside it would look suspicious and the life lived without reproach was best. Wasn’t Mammi always saying that? Maybe it was Mamm . . .

  “I’ll talk to Cephas about it.” Titus said the words but shook his head at the same time. Jenna wasn’t sure what that meant. Was he trying to reassure himself or change his own mind?

  “I don’t know if that will work,” Jenna said. She looked to Buddy. He shrugged.

  “We’ll try,” Titus said. “I have to try. Buddy’s in the barn and you could have the dawdihaus.” He snapped his fingers again. “It’s perfect. Then you’ll be here when Abbie needs you and you’ll be there when I need you.”

  “What about Abbie’s parents?”

  “They always said they were going to move into the dawdihaus, but they never got around to it.”

  Jenna breathed a sigh of relief. She was afraid that Titus was willing to oust his in-laws in order to provide her with a place to stay. She was glad to know that wasn’t the case.

  “You’d do that for us?” Buddy asked.

  “Of course. It benefits us all.”

  Jenna hadn’t thought about it that way. The two of them needed jobs and they needed places to live. The Lamberts needed help with the babies, both human and camel.

  “I’m going over there right now. Can you make sure the back stalls are cleaned out?” he asked Buddy.

  “Jah. Sure.”

  “Thanks.” Titus shot them both a look that was grateful and hopeful all at the same time. “And tell Abbie where I’ve gone.”

  “Jah,” Jenna called b
ehind him.

  They stayed there in the yard as Titus hopped on his tractor and headed to the bishop’s house. Jenna and Buddy waved at him as he drove by.

  Buddy turned to her once Titus was gone. “If we’re staying here together and working together . . .” He smiled. “It will almost be like we’re married.”

  The thought thrilled her right down to her toes. “Except you can’t grow a beard yet, Buddy Ivan Miller.”

  “Maybe soon though, jah?” His eyes twinkled as he spoke, but Jenna knew he wasn’t teasing. “If I have a job and you have a job and we have some place to live . . .”

  “Then we could be married?” Jenna whispered the words.

  “Why not?”

  “Why not?” she said in return. She and Buddy Miller married. Her name would be Jenna Miller. She kind of liked that. Buddy and Jenna Miller. Ivan and Jennifer Miller. Their names repeated in a dozen different ways in her head. And each version brought her more joy. But there was just one thing . . .

  “What if the bishop says no?” Jenna asked.

  “He won’t,” Buddy said with a confidence that did not show in his eyes. “We have to believe that he won’t.”

  * * *

  Jenna floated through the rest of her morning. She and Buddy went back to work, he in the barn and she in the house. She held one twin while Abbie fed the other. Then they bathed the little girls and dressed them for the day. The innocent smell of sweet baby calmed her nerves as she waited for Titus to return from the bishop’s.

  It took everything she had not to rush to the window and peer outside when she heard his tractor pull up.

  “Titus is back.” She turned to Abbie, who smiled a little. Jenna had to admit that a full day’s rest had the new mamm looking much better. There were still dark smudges underneath her eyes, but those eyes had gained back a sparkle that hadn’t been there the day before. A couple more days of good rest and help and Abbie Lambert would be back to her old self. Not that Jenna had known her before, but she could tell. Her brain was weak, but it wasn’t that weak.

  “I’m scared.” Jenna bit her lip, looking from Abbie to the front door.