Bad Mother's Diary: a feel good romantic comedy with a heart-warming happily ever after

by Suzy K Quinn

  Daisy played an April Fool’s joke on me. I thought her nappy needed changing, but it was a false alarm.

  How we laughed.

  Sunday, April 3rd

  Morning

  Gala Bingo!

  Learner plates!

  PINK TUTUS!

  We hit the West End and danced on the stage until 3 am.

  Must remember though – fluorescent lights show up white stains. How had Daisy managed to wipe her nose on my back?

  Had SUCH a laugh.

  Mum did her party trick of drinking a bottle of Original Guinness from her cleavage.

  We were so drunk by 3 am that we all sang ‘Let it Go’ on the tube home.

  Tired this morning, but it was worth it.

  Of course, as soon as I passed out, Daisy woke up. And then again. And again.

  It’s like she knew I’d gone to bed late and was telling me off.

  Afternoon

  Eeek!

  Brandi Facebooked pictures of me dancing on tables at the hen night.

  Nick saw them this morning and went mad.

  ‘You need to grow up, Juliette,’ he said. ‘You’re not a teenager anymore.’

  I told him to go fuck himself. When he had his stag do, HE didn’t roll in until 4 am and spent the whole day in bed, while Helen brought him iced teas and Alka-Seltzer.

  Was hungover and bored, so took Daisy to Mum and Dad’s.

  When I arrived, Mum and Brandi were still in their dressing gowns, drinking Monster Energy cans.

  Laura was at the library.

  Callum had covered himself in toilet roll and was running around shouting, ‘POO MONSTER! POO MONSTER!’

  I asked Mum if it was okay for her to be drinking Monster Energy, what with her diabetes and everything.

  ‘What’s wrong with it?’ she asked.

  I told her it was full of sugar and caffeine.

  ‘Do you want one?’ she offered.

  I said, ‘Yes please.’

  Callum got more and more mental as the afternoon went on.

  It turns out Brandi had put a bit of Monster Energy in his Incredible Hulk cup.

  She said, ‘Who’d have thought he’d be so sensitive? He has Coca-Cola ALL the time, and it hardly affects him.’

  Hung out at Mum and Dad’s house drinking Monster Energy.

  Laura came over in the afternoon with a homemade wholemeal banana cake. She’d spent the day studying and baking. Even though she stayed out until 3 am too.

  I don’t know why she bothers making healthy stuff for Mum. If it doesn’t say ‘Birdseye’, Mum doesn’t want to know.

  We started talking about the wedding and Dad got all misty-eyed, saying his wedding was the best day of his life.

  Mum said it was her second best – Brandi being born was her best. She apologised for not liking the days Laura and I were born, but apparently, painkillers weren’t as good back then.

  Was a nice day in the end.

  Dad took Daisy out for a bit.

  I always feel safe when she’s with him. He’s so sensible. He writes her a schedule and sets the alarm when she needs milk.

  Monday, April 4th

  Daisy is officially old enough to have food, which means that she MUST sleep better from now on. Right?

  The books all say start with baby rice, but it just looks so gluey and boring.

  I phoned Althea for advice, and she said babies couldn't digest grains until they’re at least a year. And that I should give Daisy a soft-boiled egg yolk.

  Apparently, she did it with Wolfgang.

  So. Here goes.

  12 pm

  OMG – nearly had a heart attack.

  Daisy has just retched and retched until nothing more would come up.

  Was so close to phoning an ambulance. Phoned NHS direct instead, and they told me off for giving Daisy semi-raw egg.

  I phoned Althea, and she said, ‘Oh yes, Wolfgang threw up too.’

  I said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  She said it only lasted the first couple of days. Then he was fine. Although he hates eggs now.

  Tuesday, April 5th

  Tried baby rice.

  Daisy loved it.

  Wednesday, April 6th

  Worst night’s sleep ever. I think the baby rice gave Daisy wind. Or something. She was up every two hours and just would not settle.

  I thought when babies had food things got easier.

  Thursday, April 7th

  Funny how life changes. I used to love bars, vintage clothes hunting, bingo nights and music festivals.

  Now one of my greatest joys is squeezing Daisy in just the right way, so she does a massive burp.

  Friday, April 8th

  Wedding so soon now.

  Excited and nervous.

  I know Nick isn’t perfect. But I suppose it’s good that I know all his imperfections before we’re married. Otherwise, I’d be horribly disappointed.

  Went to Mum and Dad’s today so Brandi could practise doing my hair.

  I ended up looking like Dolly Parton.

  ‘But you love Dolly Parton,’ said Brandi.

  Even Dad, who thinks I look lovely in everything, said, ‘Blimey, you want to be careful. They’ll be naked flames in the church.’

  I had a bit of a bridezilla moment and told Brandi I didn’t want to be a foot taller than Nick on my wedding day.

  She got a bit grumpy and said she’d ‘have another go’ after she’d had a cigarette.

  ‘Don’t smoke near Juliette’s hair,’ said Dad. ‘It could go up.’

  Finally, after a lot more teasing and combing and a picture of Ellie Goulding, we got there, and my hair really did look quite nice.

  But I think I’ll do my own make-up.

  Saturday, April 9th

  Baby book says Daisy should be rolling over by now.

  Bit worried.

  I keep trying to show her how to do it, but she just isn’t interested.

  She looks at me all happy like I’m doing a funny trick.

  Althea says Wolfgang rolled over at three months. Probably there was some beef jerky nearby.

  Monday, April 11th

  Took Daisy to ‘Baby Singing’ at Great Oakley library today.

  All the mums sang with gusto, ‘Little Peter Rabbit has a fly upon his nose!’ in perfect Judy Garland voices.

  I mumbled along, like when I have to sing hymns at a wedding.

  Daisy loved the songs and chewing the cymbals.

  ALL the babies Daisy’s age were rolling over. I’m a bit worried. What if something’s wrong?

  When we got back to London, I thought I should continue Daisy’s musical education.

  I put on ‘Bangin’ Club Anthems’ and did animated rave dancing.

  Helen appeared, arms folded, while I was jumping up and down with Daisy and shouting ‘TUUUNE!’

  I wish she wouldn’t sneak in like that.

  She raised a skinny black eyebrow and said, ‘Age appropriate?’

  I told her all music helped with developmental brain stuff.

  Helen winced and said I’d teach Daisy to be ‘a terror’ if I wasn’t careful. Then she dropped an Yves Saint Laurent bag on the sofa, saying she’d bought Nick a new suit.

  Helen looked around the apartment and said, ‘Christ, what a state. Hasn’t Juan been this week?’

  I have to admit the place did look a mess.

  I’d taken all the cushions off the sofa and made a sort of nest for Daisy. There was mashed-up rice cake all over the floor too.

  I wanted to say to Helen, ‘You were a mother once weren’t you?’

  But Helen is one of those hideously organised control freak women who lie and say their baby never gave a moment of trouble.

  According to Helen, Nick slept through the night at two months old, ate everything he was supposed to, never cried and ‘appeared to understand concepts far beyond his young years.’

  If I didn’t know Nick, I’d imagine him to be a neat-haired child prodigy
. Not a heavy-drinking bit-part actor.

  Tuesday, April 12th

  Daisy’s learned to roll over!

  Finally! FINALLY!

  The only trouble is she hasn’t learned to roll back again.

  So she rolls onto her stomach and cries until I put her back. Then she rolls over again.

  I preferred it when she just lay on her back. Don’t know what the rush to roll over was, really. Like Mum says, they all do it in their own time.

  Thursday, April 14th

  Getting a bit nervous about the wedding now.

  I know it’s only one day, but it’s a big deal.

  So close.

  Friday, April 15th

  Evening

  Am staying at Mum and Dad’s tonight.

  I don’t want Nick to see me before the wedding.

  I think the way things have been going between the two of us, I need all the luck I can get.

  Has been a lovely evening, actually.

  Laura came over, and we all played Monopoly.

  It’s hilarious playing games with my family.

  Dad and Laura always stick EXACTLY to the rules.

  Mum and Brandi always cheat.

  I got all teary at one point, saying I’d be getting married and leaving them all behind.

  Mum said, ‘What are you talking about? You haven’t even got your own place yet.’

  We ended up playing Monopoly, drinking tea and eating custard creams until really late. Too late for Laura to get the train back to London, so she’s staying in our old bedroom – me in the bottom bunk, her in the top. Daisy in the travel cot.

  (I can never get the hang of putting that thing up. It always collapses on me like a knock-kneed giraffe.)

  Mum, Dad, Brandi and Callum are down the hall. Just like old times. Nice being a family again. All cosy and warm.

  Saturday, April 16th

  Wedding day.

  I can’t write today. I just can’t.

  Sunday, April 17th

  Oh, diary. Diary, diary, diary. I have never known pain like this.

  I will never get over this. Never, ever, ever.

  Monday, April 18th

  Laura told me it was sunny today, but who cares?

  Spent all day in bed with the curtains drawn.

  Daisy cries, smiles and sleeps just like always. Like nothing has changed.

  She doesn’t understand our whole world has just been ripped apart.

  Tuesday, April 19th

  Stayed in my bedroom with Daisy again today, sobbing.

  Mum bought me a McDonald’s breakfast.

  ‘Get some food down you, and then we’ll go out,’ she coaxed.

  But the thought of food made me feel sick. And the thought of going out anywhere – even sicker.

  Mum told me she’d punch Nick’s lights out if I wanted her to.

  ‘What’s the point?’ I sobbed. ‘It won’t change anything.’

  ‘It might make you feel better,’ said Mum.

  ‘Nothing will make me feel better right now.’

  ‘You’ll feel better one day, love,’ said Mum ‘I promise.’ Then she bounced Daisy on her knee and said, ‘No matter what you’re going through if you’ve got kids you’ve won the lottery.’

  Wednesday, April 20th

  Text message from Althea today:

  ‘The greatest pain brings the greatest growth. The universe is looking down on you and smiling because it knows this is all part of a greater plan. Life is beautiful and so are you.’

  Thursday, April 21st

  Brandi came storming into my bedroom this morning and ripped the curtains open.

  She said, ‘You’ve done enough wallowing. Daisy needs some sunshine. So do you. It’s time to get up and show up. Never give up.’

  She forced me to get dressed; then we went out for a walk.

  We stuck to places where no one could see my haggard, cried-out face. I never knew I had so many tears in me. They still keep coming.

  If I didn’t have Daisy, I don’t know what I’d do. She is my only light right now.

  When I moaned to Brandi about having nowhere to live, she said, ‘Don’t be stupid. You’ll live at the pub with Mum, Dad, Callum and me.’

  Oh, God. A single mum. Living with my parents and my teen-pregnancy sister.

  Brandi still has her youth.

  I’m old and on the shelf.

  I asked Brandi if this happened because I got fat and didn’t wear scarves.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ said Brandi. ‘Mum gets fatter every year. And Dad still loves her. And ANYWAY you’re not that fat.’

  Which is a pretty big compliment for Brandi.

  ‘Why would he do this to me?’ I cried.

  Brandi said, ‘Because he’s an idiot, Jules. An idiot.’

  Friday, April 22nd

  Dad knocked on my bedroom door today.

  He tried to cheer me up by showing me his 1950s maroon-coloured Hornby switchable locomotive.

  ‘You’re worth ten of him, love,’ he told me. ‘You know that, don’t you?’

  Then why did it happen?

  Saturday, April 23rd

  Nana Joan visited today.

  She’d borrowed her new boyfriend’s mobility scooter. Typical Nana Joan – she turned off the safety switch so it would go over 15 mph and nearly ran over a dog.

  I told Nana off for coming all that way on her own, but she said, ‘Nothing’s more important than my Julesy right now.’

  She took my hand in her gold-ringed fingers and said, ‘I reckon I gave Nick a black eye on your wedding day. Maybe worse.’

  Apparently, she’d attacked Nick with her crutches after I left the church. It had taken two people to restrain her.

  Realise I haven’t even written about my wedding day.

  God – I’m SUCH a mess.

  Sunday, April 24th

  Okay.

  My wedding day.

  Here goes.

  Mum made us sausage sandwiches for breakfast in the morning (probably the last decent meal I’ve eaten, now I come to think of it).

  I let Brandi do my hair.

  Laura stood over her (No Brandi! Don’t backcomb it. PUT THE HAIRSPRAY DOWN!), and it came out as we’d planned.

  Laura sent Brandi to the corner shop for cans of Red Bull, and then we quickly did my make-up all nice and natural.

  I put the wedding dress on … I mean, it never made me feel ‘wow’ or anything. But it was pretty. A little bit of a tent, but pretty.

  Mum kept making me drink Red Bull for my nerves. But I didn’t feel nervous. I didn’t feel anything. Just sort of flat.

  I kept telling Daisy, ‘It’s my wedding day. My WEDDING day. Me and Daddy are getting married.’

  But nothing.

  Even in the black Mercedes (Helen insisted on that car – I wanted to go in Brandi’s pink Mini), I didn’t feel anything.

  I was squashed in there with my bridesmaids (except Althea – there wasn’t room for her and Wolfgang) thinking, ‘This is it. I really am getting married.’

  But it still didn’t feel real.

  Sadie kept fidgeting and saying she felt sick. Which was just typical Sadie – she hates the attention being on anyone else.

  We were a bit late getting to the church.

  I didn’t feel worried or anything. Just … ready to get the job done.

  Laura and Brandi helped me fluff out my wedding dress, and Sadie paced around with her hand on her stomach.

  Then Sadie grabbed my hand and said, ‘Jules. I need to talk to you. RIGHT NOW.’

  I said, ‘Sadie, are you okay?’

  ‘I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!’ she hissed.

  It was all so weird.

  ‘Look – let’s get the wedding out of the way,’ I said. ‘Okay?’

  Sadie did this sort of big gulp and said, ‘I know something about Nick.’

  I went a bit bridezilla then. I think it was all the Red Bull.

  I said, ‘Sadie, I know you hate Nick. But he’s
Daisy’s dad, and I love him, and WE’RE GETTING MARRIED. Now get out of the way.’

  I started walking down the aisle, and I saw Nick ahead.

  He turned around, and I thought, ‘Wow, he looks really hung over.’

  He was sweating. Proper, proper sweating, on his forehead and down the front of his shirt.

  But he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at Sadie.

  I carried on walking, sort of on automatic pilot. I even think I might have been smiling.

  Everyone in the church had weird looks on their faces. Maybe they’d heard Sadie saying she needed to talk to me. Or maybe they all knew what was going on.

  When I got to Nick, he smiled. But it was a scared smile. And he kept glancing at Sadie.

  I could see Helen in the front row – huge navy hat on – sort of glaring and smiling at the same time.

  The vicar cleared his throat and said some stuff I can’t remember.

  I kept thinking, What’s going on? Nick looks weird. He keeps looking at Sadie …

  Then the vicar said the part about, ‘Any persons here present have any lawful reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in matrimony …’

  And Sadie said, ‘SHE SHOULDN’T MARRY HIM AND IF HE WON’T TELL HER WHY THEN I WILL!’

  Nick looked really scared and sort of muttered to Sadie, ‘Let’s not do this now.’

  Sadie said, ‘Nick. She needs to know about us.’

  She didn’t need to say anything else.

  I knew then. I just knew.

  Sadie and Nick … Sadie and Nick …

  They’re better actors than I realised.

  I felt like I was going to pass out. The big tent dress felt so tight all of a sudden. I couldn’t breathe.

  All I could see were disappointed faces – people I knew. People I didn’t. People who loved me. All of us together in this horrible train wreck. And Daisy with Mum … wearing a little flower girl dress.