Being Lost: Satan's Devils MC San Diego #1

by Manda Mellett

  “You had to get out, I can see that,” I tell her quickly. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry I ever compared you.”

  “Do you still see her?”

  “Kim?” I snort. “No. I contacted her shortly after I joined the Devils. Er, let’s say she didn’t approve of my life choices. Oh, and she’d already found someone else. In fact, he’d been waiting in the wings for a while. Well, let’s just say when the penny finally dropped, I realised he hadn’t spent all that time waiting.”

  Her hand comes up and touches my cheek. “You know what you’ve just told me? You’ve told me what a good man you are. How people can depend on you as you’d never knowingly let them down. You’ve shown me you’re loyal. Every word that’s come out of your mouth has told me I’m right to trust you.”

  “I’ll fuck up…” I look down, then back up. “I fucked up yesterday. That’s what I do, Patsy, I—”

  I don’t know whether it’s to shut me up or if there’s some other reason, but she rises on tiptoes and her hand curls around the back of my head. She forces my head down, hell, I go willingly, and now her mouth is on mine.

  The kiss is every bit as good as yesterday’s. It also causes the same reaction as my cock starts to swell. The temptation to use the privacy of my office and put my hands on that ass I long to hold is almost overwhelming. But I’m stopped by the memory of what I’m really here for.

  I don’t pull away, not immediately. When I do reluctantly separate my lips from hers, I still haven’t had enough of her.

  “I should never have compared you. You’re the complete opposite of Kim. I feel I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like you.” With my head still bowed, I tentatively ask, “Have I fucked up irrevocably, babe? Or will you give me another chance? Will you stay, see if there’s something between us?”

  “I still don’t see what you see in me, Lost.” One corner of her mouth rises. “You know Snake gave you the wrong name, don’t you?” At my raised eyebrow, she continues, “You found your place here, didn’t you? You should have been called Found.”

  My eyes go wide, her observation making me chuckle. I stroke her hair again, the silkiness under my fingers a texture I’ll never get tired of. “Maybe,” I tell her, “but being Lost is all I know.” I grow serious. “Patsy, if you’re serious about trying to put this trouble with Alder behind you once and for all, I need to ask you some questions. There are matters we should discuss before we talk about you and me, and whether what we have between us has a chance of developing.” I hate to have to do this, but it’s important.

  “Serious stuff?”

  “Yeah.”

  She sits back down again. Her hands are held open, gesturing she’ll be an open book to me. But before I can speak, she asks something of me. “I don’t like calling you Lost. Not now I know it’s not fitting. What’s your real name?”

  “My government name? Fuck, it’s been so long since anyone’s called me it. I don’t mind you knowing it babe, but I’m not that man anymore. Who I was, was Conan. Conan Holmes.”

  “Conan.” Fuck, the way she breathes it out does something to me. “Well then,” she smiles and then tries it again. “Conan, what do you need from me?”

  I hate the name, but it seems not when it falls from her lips. And what do I want?

  You. In my bed. Spread open and waiting for me. Or on the desk, I’m not fussy. But instead of telling her those thoughts, I get to the matter I should be concentrating on. “How well did you know Alder?”

  “Not well. I knew his wife better. Jenny was Phil’s sister, so we saw her and Alder quite a lot.”

  “Did you get along with her?”

  Her short laugh holds no mirth. “I didn’t have much of a chance. Alder was possessive. He was the kind of man who didn’t want her to go anywhere without him. She wasn’t even allowed to go out for coffee with me, so I never saw her without him. I think he hit her. I saw traces of a black eye once.” She grimaces. “We went out for a meal with them not long before her death. As girls do, we went to the bathroom together. She confided in me that she was making plans to leave him. I offered my help if there was anything I could do. He was evil, and as I said, I’m certain he was abusive.”

  “Did you help her leave?” Could that be what Alder had against her? Has he been holding a grudge all these years?

  She looks sad. “I didn’t get a chance. She drowned shortly after.”

  I hadn’t been aware of that; just knew she was out of the picture. “Was there anything suspicious about her death?”

  She looks down at her hands, then back up. “Of course, you always wonder. But she’d been drinking a lot. Married to a man like Alder would do that to a girl. She was found with a high level of alcohol in her body and dead in their pool. Alder had supposedly been with Phil at the time. I did speak to Phil about it, she was his sister after all, but he said I was being ridiculous, that it was an accident pure and simple.”

  Had Alder murdered his wife? “Did Phil get on with his sister?”

  “He got on better with Alder,” she scoffs. “He had no time for Jenny. But then, he didn’t for anybody. Remember, he was quite happy that Alder was going to kill Connor. He himself was going to traffic Beth. He was so narcissistic—all he cares about is himself. He doesn’t give a damn about anyone, not even people of his blood.”

  “So even if he knew Alder murdered his sister, he wouldn’t have raised a fuss? He gave him an alibi?”

  Patsy tilts her head to one side. “You’re making me try to remember things that happened to me in another life. Yes. The police questioned Phil who’d confirmed Alder had been with him. I knew Jenny wasn’t happy in her marriage, and she could have known too much. It might have been convenient for Alder to get rid of her, but I don’t know if he knew she was planning to leave. It’s just as likely it was an accident, or that she killed herself. The police ruled it an accidental death while under the influence of alcohol.”

  I consider that for a moment. Whether Alder had a hand in the death of his wife is probably a moot point twenty years on, not able to be proven. But Patsy said she might have known too much, which begs another question.

  “Did you know stuff? Did Phil talk in front of you?” I’m wondering what she could hold in her head.

  She gives a negative shrug. “Phil was careful never to share anything with me. Any phone calls he made were from his home office so I couldn’t overhear anything. It was why I was so shocked when it all came to light. I’d seen changes in his behaviour, he’d become more secretive, sharper, but I never knew what he was doing.” Tapping her fingers to her lips, she adds, “But Jenny used to tell me things about Alder when we got a moment by ourselves, which wasn’t often, only when we escaped to the bathroom when we were all out together. It was usually to distract me talking about her bruises.”

  We could be getting somewhere. “What things?” I probe.

  She chuckles. “One that made us both laugh. That Alder had this idea of building a tunnel. Complete fantasy of course.”

  What? “A tunnel for what? And where from and to?”

  “She’d just overheard him refer to it. She knew no more. Not where it was, or what it was for.”

  “Was he actually building it?”

  Now she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, her brow furrowed. “I think Jenny said he was trying to get the money together. Back then, he was small fry. He didn’t even live in a fancy house, so the idea of him coming up with the cash for a large project like that was a joke.”

  “Did Jenny know how he was earning his money?” I prompt.

  “She suspected he was into drugs. Not using but dealing. I was more worried he’d involve Phil, but when I tried to ask him about it, all Phil said was he was giving him a hand with his accounts.”

  I sit back. How much does Alder know about his dead wife’s conversations with his sister-in-law? If he knows anything at all, it’s probably too much. A muscle ticks in my jaw as I realise I need to speak to Token about the pla
ns that were found. Was it too off the mark to wonder whether they were for a tunnel? One which ended up being built? One which Alder wouldn’t want to be found?

  If I add in that Alder’s found a way to get drugs undetected over the border, it’s not too far off course and wouldn’t be the first time the Border Security has been circumvented in that way. It could also be how Alder has managed to stay hidden with a ready-made escape route out of the States.

  The border between the United States and Mexico is treated as a challenge by smugglers who always seem to find ways around, under or over it. Tunnels certainly aren’t unheard of. Could, in the intervening years, Alder had gotten such a structure constructed? They don’t just happen overnight. First, they have to be dug out and the logistics of removing earth, sand and rock isn’t simple. Then they need to be shored up and have some kind of ventilation and lighting. To remain undetected for long, they can’t simply start and end a few yards either side of the border. They have to be long, with the entrance and exit both hidden.

  “Did you ever mention Alder’s tunnelling plans to anyone?” I finally ask.

  “No. It had only been a casual conversation in the bathroom. I didn’t even think they were concrete plans. I’m certain Alder wouldn’t be aware Jenny had even mentioned it. I didn’t tell Phil. As soon as Phil left, I put him and Alder’s illegal activities right out of my head—I had my children to focus on. Jenny was dead by then, Lost. I didn’t know if Alder’s plans were anything more than a pipe dream in his head.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Patsy

  I listened to Lost and heard how he’d taken things on his shoulders that he should never have done. In the half-century that I have lived, there’s been rapid change. Even to me, a technologically challenged person, I’ve noticed the pace of technological developments. Lost wasn’t the first or last person to be burned. Nowadays the market seems dominated by just a few platforms, many others were probably lost along the way. He’d done well, was successful for a time, but then, as so many others, couldn’t compete with the big boys.

  Rather than be concerned he’d gone the wrong way, I had been impressed that none of his regret was for his personal loss. No, Lost’s concerns were all for his staff who’d lost their jobs, and for that bitch of a wife. He’d given her everything he had, kept nothing for himself. I had my own suspicions of how low he’d sunk that day he’d met Snake. I might not know Kim, his ex, but already, I hate her.

  Every word Lost said that he thought reflected badly on himself, just showed me what a good man he was. Caring, not for his own comfort, but for others. Instead of pushing me away, it gave me confidence that he’d move heaven and earth to keep me safe. The only risk was he wouldn’t look out for himself.

  I’ve no doubt that’s why he was voted in as president of the club. Everything he’d do would be for the good of his men. Every decision he’d take would be well considered and thought out. I’ve seen how the men look up to him and now understand why, even if Lost can’t see it himself.

  If Phil had been like Lost, I’d have followed him through fire, never giving up on the man I married and professed to love. But unlike Lost, Phil’s driving force had been personal greed. The two men couldn’t be more different.

  Even if Phil had been an upright citizen when we’d broken up, I still wouldn’t have stripped him of everything he owned. Even when she’d left him, Lost had given Kim every penny and lost himself while doing so.

  Lost is a man who doesn’t know his own worth, who’s let his prior experiences rule the rest of his life. What happened has shaped him, made him cautious, made him always think twice. That doesn’t make him weak, it makes him a man you can trust.

  He’s now quiet, working through in his head what I’d told him about Alder and the strange information given to me by Alder’s wife. Something I said had resonated.

  “What are you thinking, Lost?”

  He gives me a shuttered look. I find it annoying. It’s the same look I’ve seen on Demon’s face back in Colorado.

  “If you’re going to tell me it’s club business, well, don’t. My daughter’s partner is a member of your club, and I’ve been around bikers and heard the term. Sure there are things you can keep to yourself, but not when it concerns me and my life.” I take a deep breath. “You asked if I was going to stay around and explore what’s between us, but I can’t if you treat me like the little woman who needs to be protected. I need to be part of the decision-making process, and for that I need to know what’s going on. Not,” I add fast, seeing the expression coming onto his face, “that I don’t trust you, but because it’s not the way I tick.”

  A small grin appears as he throws me a look of respect. He leans in closer and winks. “I kinda like the way you tick, Patsy.” Then, again, he moves back. His mouth flattens, then he stuns me, and he dives straight in. “Ink and Beth found shit in that safe deposit box—old info on floppy disk drives of all things. Cad, from Colorado, managed to extract it. Token should be looking at it now. Apparently, there were plans but what they were for wasn’t immediately obvious.” He pauses and looks at me. “We think this could be the insurance Phil hid from Alder.”

  The air leaves my lungs in a whoosh. “He must have put that there when we were still married.” I think aloud. “Why didn’t he take it when he left me?”

  “You don’t use the safe deposit box, there was nothing recent in it. I suspect he thought you’d never look for it, and that perhaps it was the safest place he could have put it. If you found them, why would you look for info on a floppy disc?”

  “Phil knew I wouldn’t pry. I didn’t want to know anything about him or what he did. So yeah, if I had found it, I’d probably have contacted him and asked if it was his.” Well, it wouldn’t be anyone else’s. His previous words sink in. “You need to understand what was on those discs?” My mind whirrs. “Have I helped?”

  “I’m not sure, Patsy. Maybe reaching too far here, but if Alder was thinking of building a tunnel, he wouldn’t want anyone to discover it. If Phil knew about it, that would certainly be insurance he could hold over Alder’s head. I need to talk to Token, but yeah, it’s possible.”

  “So Alder just wants what’s in the box. Why not give it to him?”

  Lost rolls his head as if his neck muscles are stiff. “First, we can’t offer it up, as then he’d know that you’d found it. Maybe had someone look and interpret it. That puts you in danger. Second, if we approach Alder, he’ll know we know he’s looking for you, and that you’ve got resources at your disposal and are protected. We need to have a plan to deal with him first.”

  I smile, then hide it, thinking how right I’d been. Lost isn’t a man to jump into action without thinking carefully about what’s best to be done.

  “So what do you suggest?”

  Lost tilts his head and looks deep in thought. “Alder’s getting drugs into the country, we know that. Dan was responsible for cutting off some of his routes, but Alder would probably have been able to set up new ones. Even new markets. We know the demand is, unfortunately there.”

  “But if he can’t sell where he used to, wouldn’t that have dealt his business a blow?”

  Lost looks at me as if I’m being a bit dense. “Alder’s got a way of bringing kilos of heroin and fuck knows what else into the States. You reckon he can’t establish a new distribution network? I suspect Dan would have dented, but not significantly damaged his operation.”

  “Spell it out for me, Lost. What are you thinking?”

  “What if Alder did build his tunnel? What if that’s the way he’s getting the shit in?”

  “But if you find it, what then? Shut it down? Alder will just find another way. It would make him angry to have to do that again, but it wouldn’t finish him.”

  Lost shakes his head. “No, you’re right. But there are ways of using the info. If we know where the tunnel is, then we might be able to use that to find him or smoke him out. Even knowing how he’s getting his drugs in i
s a feather in our cap. I don’t know, we could threaten to blow it up unless he comes out of hiding and meets with us, then...”

  Then they’d deal with Alder. But he wouldn’t come unprepared. I’m so scared of what might happen. I don’t want to lose Lost now. Surely, though, it’s unlikely. “But we don’t know where it could be. The border’s what, two thousand miles in length? The tunnel entrance could be anywhere and will be well hidden.” I bite my lip.

  Lost looks thoughtful. “You’re right, of course. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And we don’t even know if it exists.” He turns fully so he’s looking straight at me. “There’s another option for us. That’s to use you as bait. Draw him out and take him down. That’s your problem solved for good.” He raises a quizzical eyebrow as if he’s testing the waters out.

  I go completely still.

  I’m a seamstress, a housewife. I’ve never physically fought for anything in my life.

  Lost sees my concern and rushes to reassure me. “Babe, we can dangle you in front of him, but you don’t actually need to be there. We can lure him somewhere, maybe the house you and Dan are living in. He’ll turn up expecting to find you, but it would be us waiting instead.”

  “My house is in a residential area, Lost. You can’t have a firefight there. There’d be too many witnesses.”

  Lost stares at me.

  “What?”

  He chuckles. “You don’t mind us killing him, babe, you just don’t want us to get caught. Maybe you’re more suited to this lifestyle than I first thought.”

  His words make me smile. Maybe he’s right. But it’s the thought of my daughter and her pregnancy that’s driving me. You don’t come between a woman and her child, however old she might be.

  “Have you any other thoughts, Lost?”