Hot Stuff

by Virginia Page

  "There’s got to be another way," I pleaded.

  William smiled as if he’d defeated me with his mind games.

  "Have some respect for yourself," he replied. "You need to clean up your act, find a good job, and get yourself together."

  I couldn't argue with any of the things William had said. They were all the things that kept me up at night worrying, some of my biggest fears. I didn't believe he even wanted Chloe. For him, it was all about control, and he’d become victorious.

  "Who's going to watch her after you throw me out on the street?" I asked.

  "I have somebody in mind," he said, smirking.

  I’d almost thrown up seeing his expression, the cat who’d caught the canary.

  William grabbed my shoulder, motioning for me to leave.

  "It's time for you to go.”

  Chloe, peeking around the corner, had overheard.

  "No, Mommy. Please don't go, Mommy," Chloe cried. "I love you, Mommy. Please don't leave me, Mommy."

  Chloe kicked and screamed as she tried her best to reach me.

  I got down on my knees in front of William and begged.

  “Please let me be with my baby,” I cried.

  Hoping he might have a shred of decency to reconsider allowing me to stay, but he wouldn't budge.

  “No,” he replied, with a cold stare.

  He was dead set on me leaving.

  “You’re pathetic,” he said. “You should have some self-respect and get up off of the floor.”

  Just when I was about to get up, William must have thought I was going to strike him because he raised his fist at me, and I winced because I thought he was going to punch me in the face.

  Chloe cried, watching William man handling and shoving me.

  I’d frozen and didn’t move at all, because I wanted Chloe to calm down and be safe. There was no telling what William might do in his current state. I needed to take the blame. Eventually he'd cool off, and everything would be calm again.

  “I was wrong,” I said. “I should have done everything you’d asked me to do.”

  William grinned, knowing he’d broken my spirit.

  Chloe couldn’t catch her breath. Her nose was runny, and she started hiccuping. She looked at me with her teary eyes and whimpered, “Mommy, I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby,” I replied. “I love you too.”

  I looked into William’s eyes, hoping for mercy.

  “Please let me stay,” I said. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

  He looked aggravated and disappointed, as he pondered.

  “I’ll see if we can figure something out,” he replied.

  I couldn’t believe he was really going to give me another chance, but I wasn’t going to question it.

  Chloe stopped crying, sniffling. William softly patted her on the head and smiled.

  “Would you still like to go out and get some ice cream with Daddy?” he asked.

  Chloe’s face lit up.

  “Yes, Daddy,” Chloe replied. “Can Mommy come too?”

  William looked me in the eyes.

  “No, Mommy’s on a diet,” he said. “Besides, she’s got some paperwork to do.”

  Chapter 12

  After they’d left to get ice cream, I got up and walked over to the table, noticing important looking papers with a pen next to them. Also his violent scribbles on a place-mat which read, “You will sign these divorce papers, or you’ll get nothing.”

  My chest tightened up, my gut fluttering, causing me to tremble. The end was all too real now, no longer a need to speculate.

  Then my blood started to boil, his message infuriating me. I reacted, crying out, shouting at the top of my lungs.

  "I don't want anything from you, motherfucker."

  I signed the papers, and then I stabbed the pen through the document over and over and over, puncturing the placemat, breaking one of my nails, exhausting all of my energy.

  I fell to the floor and cried myself into a tizzy. After a few minutes, I calmed myself down, becoming somewhat comatose for a while.

  Later, I woke up in a puddle of my own tears, coughing and dry heaving. I barely had enough energy to stand, my hip hurting, my head throbbing. My whole world had been shaken to its core. I didn't know what to do.

  My hair had been destroyed. The amount William had ripped out was significant. I needed to hide the damage. How would I explain what had happened? I grabbed a bandana, wrapping it around my head, tying it in the back. Staring in the mirror, I looked just like a biker's old lady. Then I immediately thought about Chloe's real father. If he were to see what William had done to me, he'd have kicked his ass without discussion. I knew he would have protected us. I wondered where he’d gone, hoping he was doing well. I couldn't help but think of our missed opportunity. Had I become delusional? My true love had most likely died, me finally needing to come to grips with the reality.

  I looked around the room, reminding myself of what had occurred earlier. Being in the house kept bringing the argument back into my mind, replaying over and over, causing nervous feelings, making me anxious, pulling me back into a negative state of mind. The should've, would've, and could've inner game was driving me crazy. No matter how hard I’d tried, I couldn't have saved my relationship with William, and that was apparent. Our marriage was destine for failure. I kept blaming myself. Although, I knew our troubles were all his fault. Why would I bother thinking of him for another moment? I couldn't help it though. William was definitely a jackass, but also a good provider. I didn't want to mess up the security he’d given us. Besides, I thought we would be together forever. Isn't that what married couples are supposed to do?

  "Till death do us part," I said. "What a laugh."

  Everything had happened so fast. I’d repeated the incident in my head over and over again, reliving the painful memories. I needed to mellow out, so I thought about going for a walk. I stumbled, due to my hip hurting, but I couldn’t stay in the house a moment longer. I figured stretching my joints might sooth the pain.

  I opened the door and went outside, looking around, thinking William might have returned, but his car was still gone. I closed the door, locked it, and put the key into the pocket of my sweatpants. Enjoying the fresh air, I cooled myself down, the breeze from the wind feeling good on my skin.

  I knew they’d be gone for a while, because Chloe had always dilly dallied while eating her ice cream in the past. Thinking back, every time William had gotten done shouting, he’d take us out for ice cream, because he felt guilty for his behavior. Usually on the drive home, he’d apologize to us. I’d never understood why he’d blown his stack in the first place. When you love someone, you should never say hurtful things, because they don't go away just because you’ve said your sorry. If fact, apologizing drums up those negative feelings again, bringing back the pain. If he would only grow up already and become the man he claimed to be, we’d be in a better situation. I knew once he’d cooled down, he'd come back and we could discuss everything like adults, hopefully finding some common ground.

  As I walked, I couldn't help but think what a cheap motherfucker William had become. Why didn't we have more than one car. I'll tell you why, because then he couldn't keep tabs on me so easily. His excuse had been that I didn't have a driver's license, but that had never stopped me from driving before. Once again, I’d reminded myself of my bad past.

  I hoped to come to some type of agreement with William. It's not like I had anyone who would take in Chloe and me. Looking back at the house triggered tainted memories of his betrayal. I figured once William got home we could work out the terms of our separation. I hoped he’d give us the house or set us up in a nice condo nearby. It was the least he could do after cheating on me.

  I walked down the street, trying my best to relax. Everyone who passed by me wore negative expressions. I couldn’t help but think they’d heard all of our shouting during the argument. My self-conscious feelings grew with each person I’d passed. The further
away I got, the more calm I’d become. I needed time to get away to clear my mind, hoping to digest everything that had happened.

  Of course, I couldn’t stop thinking about Chloe, feeling helpless not being able to support her on my own. I really didn’t know what to do.

  Feeling ridiculous for hoping we could stay together for Chloe’s sake, I winced. Had I lost my mind? How could I even think of repairing our relationship when there was nothing left to save. William had cheated on me. And to make it worse, he screwed Hannah. He knew I didn't like her.

  Looking back, his behavior made complete sense to me. No wonder he was so eager to drive Hannah home. He had ulterior motives. I always thought he’d been sweet, not wanting a young girl to walk home in the dark, but little did I know he’d been plotting how to get into her panties. Or maybe Hannah was the culprit who seduced him, or maybe she wanted to cash in on his money. However it happened, what's done was done.

  My legs rubbed together, burning with each step, stinging from my sweat. I stopped and inspected my inner thighs, noticing they were starting to chafe. Although, my skin wasn't too bad, only a small amount of stretch marks. During my pregnancy, I’d rubbed my body with coco butter, which I believe saved my skin and kept me smooth. I carried extra weight in my boobs and ass, which wasn't all bad, at least the weight was in all the right places, helping me feel voluptuous and beautiful. Of course, seeing all of the models in commercials made my beauty pale in comparison, their thin and girlish figures making me feel insecure. Why couldn't I have stayed young and firm forever? Gravity seemed to be taking its toll on my body. My boobs were starting to sag, and my ass wasn't as firm as when I was a teenage girl. Although, I’d caught guys at the grocery store checking me out on occasion, so I felt confident I still had it.

  Me gaining weight was the only reason I could come up with to justify why William would cheat on me, because I wasn't good enough anymore. Although, I knew in the back of my mind the real reason was because he was a good for nothing piece of shit, but blaming myself was something I’d always done due to my insecurities and low self esteem. I’d loathed myself since I was a child to justify why my mother didn't love me because I was fat.

  I didn't realize how lost in my mind I’d gotten. It was dark and the streetlights were on, buzzing and flickering, so I realized I’d been gone for a significant amount of time. I decided it was time to get back and have a long talk with William to see if we could work something out. Maybe he wasn't in love with Hannah, maybe it had only been a fling, or maybe I was in denial.

  I kept rehearsing what I might say once I got back to the house. Everything that came to mind sounded so pathetic, me feeling like an idiot. I shouldn't have to grovel at William's feet, hoping he'll throw me a bone. Desperate, I needed to work something out.

  Once I got back, I noticed the lights were on in the house, so I knew they were home. Although, William's car was not in the driveway, which seemed strange. Where could his car be? Maybe he’d put it in the garage, but why?

  I ran up to the house, reaching for the door handle, but it wouldn't open, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out my house key. It wouldn't fit into the lock. I looked down, discovering the door knob was brand new. That motherfucker!

  Chapter 13

  I banged on the door over and over and over until all of the energy in my body had exhausted. Porch lights came on throughout the neighborhood as I screamed, me continuing my rant, pounding as hard as I could.

  Charlie, our next door neighbor, slammed his door open, wearing pajamas, hair scruffy, appearing to have been woken up.

  “Shut your mouth, quit arguing, and go to bed,” he shouted. “If you don't quit disturbing us, we’re going to call the police. We’re tired of hearing you fighting and screaming, airing your dirty laundry in public. Enough is enough.”

  Charlie was a real stickler. He’d always get upset when Chloe would play in his yard, so we weren’t on the best terms.

  I thought the neighbors might have heard us argue earlier because we were shouting really loud, but it never occurred to me William and I had fought so much until hearing Charlie’s angry complaints. Feeling so ashamed, so vulnerable, I believed we had privacy, but apparently our walls were thinner than I’d thought.

  "I'm sorry," I replied.

  Charlie slammed his door not acknowledging my apology. His wife, Evelyn, peeked out through their window blinds while dialing her phone. It wasn’t the first time I’d caught her spying on me though. All through the years, I’d seen the curtain move when I’d walked down our driveway, noticing out of the corner of my eye. Apparently, she didn’t have anything better to do.

  I decided I’d better leave before the cops could arrive. That was the last thing I needed. My past surely would most likely haunt me if I were to get arrested again. I saw car headlights, so I left in a hurry, scurrying down the street, ducking down an alleyway, exiting out of the other side. I stopped for a moment, panting heavily, trying to catch my breath. Every time I’d heard a noise, I thought it might have been the police coming to get me.

  I walked through the neighborhood aimlessly trying to think of someone who could help me, somewhere I could stay for the night. The only family I had was my mother, father, and three little sisters. No matter what I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to get my parent’s support because we were estranged. I knew my sisters would have helped me if they could, but they were really young, doing their best to fend for themselves. I hadn’t seen them in over five years, and they were around Chloe's age when I’d left.

  I regretted leaving my sisters behind, but I couldn’t have taken them with me. I knew the twins, Jane and Mary, would be fine because they were adorable and in good shape, so I knew our mother wouldn’t drive them crazy. She would treat them like little princesses. On the other hand, my sister Tonya was slightly overweight, so I knew my mother most likely was making her life unbearable. It broke my heart to think of Tonya alone without me protecting her. I hoped my sisters hadn’t gone down the same path as me.

  How could I have been so selfish to leave my family and friends? And leaving for a man who didn't even love me, how pathetic. Had I never met William, I wouldn’t have had a choice. I would have had to go back home. Who was I trying to fool? My pride wouldn’t have let me go back.

  I walked to the only place that seemed familiar besides home, the park, where I’d frequently taken Chloe to play. Every time we’d gone there, I’d felt alive, breathing in fresh air, swinging Chloe on the swings, enjoying motherhood. Being there alone didn’t evoke the same emotions for me without my baby girl. I sat on a park bench and stared up at the sky wondering if I’d only made different choices in the past, how my life may have turned out. I could’ve been a good person. I could’ve been more responsible. I could’ve been a better mother.

  I thought long and hard, but didn't know who to go to for help. We’d moved away for William's job, so I was in a city where I didn't have any close friends.

  I thought getting with William would solve all of my problems, but being with him had only increased them. Our relationship lacked passion, a marriage of convenience for both of us. The only good thing that came out of it all was security for my daughter, which I was grateful for.

  I tried my best to look for help, but most people turned their back on me. They were only acquaintances through daily life, and other mothers I'd met taking Chloe to kindergarten, so I didn’t have high hopes they would lend a helping hand. They didn't want to get involved in a domestic dispute, especially when they didn't know me very well. I didn't feel I was getting any sympathy from anyone. Most people told me to go back home and see if we could work something out. I realized I was burdening everyone, noticing them avoiding me. When I would approach, they would look the other way or make an excuse to leave. I’d alienated just about everyone from my life. Feeling empty inside, I lowered my head in shame.

  Then I went looking for people from our neighborhood. First I started with the ladies I’d met in th
e park, and they were fine with telling me what I should do, but when it came to helping me out, they wouldn’t do anything. Then I reached out to some of our friendlier neighbors, but they didn't want to talk to me at all, let alone get involved in my personal squabbles. Most of them seemed frustrated by our constant bickering, which added noise to their seemingly normal lives. For some reason, they’d always seemed to side with William, acting as if I was a nut case. In their eyes, I was the troublemaker. Probably because I didn't have a filter and would shout out my thoughts and feelings, not caring who knew what was on my mind. William on the other hand was passive aggressive. He’d push my buttons to get me going, acting all along like Mister Innocent, asking me silly questions like, “Are you okay?” or “What has gotten into you?” He certainly had everyone fooled.

  Feeling alienated, I gave up on my journey for help, hoping to find a way to live on my own. Growing up, I hadn’t learned any life skills, so I didn’t know what to do. I’d become helpless. Day after day, I found myself sleeping on park benches, giving up on searching for a regular place to stay. I had no idea how much time had went by because each day blurred into the next. My constant struggle was finding a place to sleep, finding somewhere to go during the day, finding food and water. Fending for myself wasn't easy.

  Some nights, police would hassle me, telling me to move along because the park had closed, causing me great distress. After they were gone, I’d sneak back into the park. Some nights, I’d go into the woods and sleep under a bunch of trees. The area didn't allow me to be seen from the outside trail, becoming my sanctuary. Living my new routine day after day and night after night had become exhausting. Life seemed grim. I didn't know whether I was coming or going, heading on a path to nowhere. I decided I needed to get away from the park and just wandered. I walked and walked and walked aimlessly until I got into the city.