I held my hands up. “Calm down. Just curious.”
Steve gave me a look as we walked through to the front doorway. “Why haven’t you mentioned a girl to me?”
“Because you’re not going to like it.” I wasn’t going to bullshit my best friend.
He swore. “Oh my God, it’s my sister, isn’t it?”
I didn’t confirm or deny. I just kept my mouth shut.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? She’s all vulnerable and shit and there you are with your dick?” He looked seriously pissed. “She’s exhausted. She’s lonely. She hasn’t been dating. It’s the worst time ever for you to be hooking up with her. Aside from the fact that the very thought makes me want to throw up, it pisses me off you had some fucking agenda. You didn’t go to help her, you went to bone her.” He pointed a finger at me. “That makes you a selfish prick.”
I was shocked by his reaction. “Steve, it’s not that. I love Savannah. I’ve always cared about her. I didn’t have some agenda. It just happened.” Though that wasn’t entirely true, was it? I’d had a plan all along. Aim for a relationship, settle for sex. That had been my plan and he was right—it had been selfish.
“Whatever, Maddox.” He shook his head. “This isn’t high school. You can’t just score the fantasy girl with no thought to the consequences.”
I got angry and defensive. “I want to be with her. I know that. If those are the consequences, I’m fucking thrilled with them.”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m too pissed. I want to talk to my sister and hear her take on what is happening.” He stared at me, his nostrils flaring. “God, fuck you. Just seriously. Fuck you.”
He yanked the door open and left, slamming it behind him.
I stared at the door, gut churning. That was worse than I had expected.
“He found out, huh?” Mike asked, wandering down the hallway barefoot, sipping a beer. “Don’t worry, he’ll come around.”
“I think I messed up,” I said. “I shouldn’t have let him find out until after Savannah said it was cool. And I think he’s right—I’ve been selfish. I was looking at my relationship with Savannah from my point of view. Not hers. I guess I’ve been thinking I’m a decent catch and hell, maybe I’m not. Maybe I don’t have what she needs.”
His eyebrows shot up. It was funny. People always thought Mike was my biological father. It was the dark hair, even though his was turning gray now, and the tattoos. We dressed similarly too. He felt like a father to me and I trusted his opinion and advice.
“You are a decent catch. I would argue a great catch. You’re honest, loyal, a hard worker, financially stable. You’re not ugly and unless you have a secret pencil dick, what is there to complain about?”
Despite my turmoil, that made me laugh. “No pencil dick. I don’t know. Maybe she wants something different. Plus it’s just Steve said I had an agenda and I guess I did and now that doesn’t feel fair to Savannah.”
“Son, everyone has an agenda when they’re interacting with the opposite sex. Or maybe a goal is a better way to put it. Whether it’s an ego boost, or sex, or a relationship. Everyone has a want, a desire, a plan.”
I couldn’t really argue with that. “True. But I sort of talked about the plan to be with her on the show.”
“On the reality show?” he asked, clearly surprised. “Talked about the plan how?”
“Like setups for romantic moments.”
For a second Mike just stared at me. Then he said, “Well, that was just stupid. Why would you talk about Savannah on a damn TV show?”
“They wanted me to be more interesting.”
“More dumb.”
That made me feel like a total ass. “Maybe.”
“All I can say is better come clean sooner than later because the longer it goes on, the less likely she is to forgive you.”
“I will.” I pictured Savannah the night before, tears in her eyes, saying she loved me.
I’d taken them as happy tears, but suddenly I was more than a little concerned this might not go my way.
Plus, she was meeting with Sully’s biological father. What if she felt renewed attraction to him?
“I feel like I have to go back to Brooklyn on the next bus.”
“Your mother will kill you if you leave her party this soon. Three more hours won’t change a damn thing. Just relax.”
I wanted to believe he was right.
Checking my phone, I had no texts.
Shoving it back into my pocket, I decided he was right. I went with Mike to talk my mother into cutting her cake.
Chapter Fifteen
Sitting across the table from Adam, who I’d convinced myself I was in love with eighteen months ago, was a bizarre experience. He looked the same. Blond, clean-cut, well-dressed in expensive clothing. He had a charming smile but it wasn’t on display right now. He was fiddling with a napkin and sitting way back in his chair, an espresso on the table in front of him.
“You look good,” he said. It sounded genuine enough but not like he was longing for me or filled with regrets or anything. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I said, and it was the truth. “Work is letting me work from home, which makes it so much easier.” I sipped my latte. “I’m happy to sign the papers, Adam. I don’t even find the money necessary. This was never about money.”
“I know. I know that about you. By now you could have had me in court to pay child support.” He cleared his throat. “I know this doesn’t make me look that great, but I don’t want this hanging over my head for the next two decades. I just wanted to offer you something but leave everything then up to you.”
Basically, he wanted to buy me off. If I signed, I couldn’t legally contact him for any financial assistance at any point. “What if I died next year?” I asked.
The question momentarily took him aback, but then he said, “I’m sure your parents would do an excellent job of raising him. They did with you.”
My throat tightened. He really didn’t care. He wanted no involvement. None. He had a child and he didn’t care, even if something happened to me and Sully was alone. He just wanted to make sure it wouldn’t “hang over his head.” I felt like the biggest idiot on the planet for falling for a man of his caliber. How could I think he was a good man? I felt gullible as hell and angry with myself. Yes, I was furious with him because he had portrayed himself differently and for being unconcerned about his son but at the same time I was berating myself.
“What if someone wants to adopt him in the future?”
“The document I gave you means I would have no say over that. I’m out. You can legally do whatever you want.” He gave me a long look. “I know you already have some guy living with you. Covered in tattoos.”
I was taken aback. “Are you spying on me? He’s my brother’s best friend and he needed a place to stay. He helps me with Sully in return for a couch to sleep on.” Or at least, until the night before. “It’s not easy to be a working single mom,” I added, because he had a lot of freaking nerve.
“Yes, I had someone watching you for a couple of weeks. I wanted to know why you weren’t suing me for child support.”
“How about I’m independent? And I just didn’t want to deal with you.”
“Fair enough. For the record, I don’t care who the guy is. But I figured he was helping you financially.”
“No, he isn’t. It’s emotional and practical support. The things that really matter.” I was still hung up on Adam saying he didn’t care who the guy was. It was like another kick in the gut. He didn’t care who was spending time with his son. I couldn’t wrap my head around that.
When he didn’t say anything in response to that, I said, “I’ll have a lawyer look at the papers. If everything is fine, I’ll sign them as soon as possible. Please don’t show up at my apartment again. And don’t have anyone creeping on me. It’s violating.”
He nodded. “I am sorry that I couldn’t give you the fairy tale you wan
ted. You wanted the whole fantasy relationship and I wanted reality.”
Somehow, he managed to turn his apology into an insult. He made me sound like some middle school girl.
“I’m not sorry. We clearly don’t belong together. But I got my son, so I have no regrets. My son.”
I thought we had achieved a decent place of understanding until he stood up and slid his arms into his sleeves. “Sign the papers, Savannah, or you will have regrets.”
Ew. Dick alert. I made a sound of exasperation. “Don’t threaten me, Adam.”
He just waved over his shoulder as he left.
* * *
“I have the worst taste in men,” I told Isla when I got back to my apartment. I took Sully from her and smothered his chubby little cheeks in kisses. I needed to just hold him and convince myself he was safe from the evil clutches of his soulless father.
“We’ve established this, many times.”
“I asked him what would happen if I died and he said he was sure my parents would do a great job raising him. He wants nothing to do with Sully. How could someone feel that way?” I hugged Sully so hard he made a sound of protest.
“A selfish asshole,” she said. “Just be glad he showed who he really is sooner than later.”
“Thanks for watching him.”
“No problem. Um, I have to confess I messaged Maddox and told him you were with Adam.”
That startled me. “What? Why?”
“Because I was worried.”
“He’s in Pennsylvania. What’s he supposed to do from there?”
It was unlike Isla and she actually looked sheepish. “In hindsight, I’m not really sure. I just got freaked out.”
I was touched. “You love me, Isla Alexander. Just admit it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I do, you trusting-as-fuck Pollyanna. That’s why I was worried. Now tell me what is going on with you and Maddox.”
I felt the need to evade that question. “You know exactly what’s going on. We’re having sex. Very amazing sex.” I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t admit that I had stronger feelings for him. Much stronger feelings. Actually, I did know why. I didn’t want to listen to her telling me all the reasons that was crazy.
“When does he get back?”
“Tomorrow.”
For a minute, I thought she was going to say something but she just nodded. “Cool. Okay, I have to run. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will. Thank you, you’re a life saver.”
“You’re naming the next kid after me.”
I laughed. “Of course.”
After she left, yelling at me to dead bolt the door behind her, I checked my phone, thinking I would have a text from Maddox. Instead I had a text from my brother.
CALL ME.
That was aggressive. It worried me. Steven wasn’t prone to dramatics.
“Hey, how are you? Is everything okay?”
“How long have you been fucking Maddox?”
Oh, shit. “What?” I asked to buy time, my voice rising two octaves. I was so busted. “What do you mean?” As if there was any other meaning for that.
“Don’t even try to deny it. He already admitted it and he may be an asshole who banged my sister but he’s not a liar.”
I was offended. “Don’t be crude.”
Steven snorted. “Oh, okay. Sorry, how long has Maddox been making love to you?” His voice was mocking and dickish.
That really annoyed me. “None of your business. Why do you have such an attitude right now? I’m allowed to have a personal life.”
“I don’t disagree with that. But you’re a single mom for a reason. You get swept up in romance, in the idea of a future.”
That actually stung. A lot. So much so that I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
Which didn’t matter, because he wasn’t done telling me his opinion of my dating life. “Maddox has had a crush on you since ninth grade. The kind of crush that involves hand lotion and a catch-all sock.”
“What does that mean?” I asked. A sock?
“He was jerking off to thoughts of you, that’s what it means.”
Oh, geez. I got the sock reference then. Yuck. “So what? That was ten years ago.”
“This was his plan. To finally get in your pants. The nerd gets the hot girl.”
“I think you’re exaggerating. Maddox is no nerd these days and frankly right now, I’m not the hot girl. I wear a lot of sweatpants.” I was longing for them as we spoke. I’d put on a cute dress for my meet-up with Adam.
“He’s taking advantage of you being lonely and vulnerable.”
I took a deep breath. “Steven. I appreciate you caring about me. But I am not some desperate chick who falls on the first guy who shows her interest.”
Even as I spoke the words out loud, I wondered if that was a total lie.
I did do that.
Holy shit.
Wait. No, I didn’t. Maybe in the past I’d been a little too eager, but look at how I had turned down Yates Caldwell, the DJ whose name I couldn’t remember, and Michael the widower. I was a strong and independent woman unwilling to settle.
Or was that because I’d already gotten emotionally attached to Maddox?
That was an uncomfortable thought.
Because yes, I was emotionally attached to Maddox.
“How did you find out about us?”
“He was on the phone talking to someone about it. I heard him.”
That bothered me. “Talking to who?”
“I don’t know. He said something about being a fuck boy.”
“What? What the hell does that mean?”
“It means he’s there for you to fuck whenever you want.”
I was basically done with this conversation. My brother was making it sound like what we’d been doing was somehow cheap or disgusting and I was not going to be slut shamed by my own brother. “Steven, listen to me. Your sex life is your own business. I don’t ask and I don’t care who was in your bed last night. I know this might seem weird to you because Maddox is your best friend, but he’s my friend too, and friends can do whatever they want if everyone is on board with it, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, so stay out of it.”
“You’re going to end up pregnant again and alone.”
Tears stung my eyes and my lip started to tremble. My brother thought I was an idiot that no one could love. Wow.
I ended the call without a word. I was too hurt to find any words to express how I felt.
After crying for half an hour, I texted my co-worker Simone who had gone through a custody fight and asked for her lawyer’s info so I could make an appointment to review the document from Adam.
Then I lay down on my bed with Sully and let him crawl all over me.
Talk about going from an all-time high the night before to so low I could win the limbo.
* * *
I got back to Brooklyn around eleven and as I walked from the bus to the apartment I texted Savannah. I didn’t want to scare her when I came into the apartment since I wasn’t supposed to be back until the next day.
Hey, be at the apt in 5. Don’t want to scare you.
Thought you were coming back tomorrow?
I want to see you.
She didn’t respond to that. I had no idea what that meant other than she might already be in bed and I was disturbing her sleep. Or it could mean she didn’t want to see me.
The apartment was dark, so I reached over and turned on the lamp by the couch. The place was messier than usual. Savannah and Sully were clearly in bed because of how quiet the apartment was, but there were toys all over the floor and a plate on the coffee table, which wasn’t typical. Savannah usually cleaned up at the end of the day. Meeting with her ex must have been emotionally draining.
I dropped my backpack and kicked off my shoes. I washed my hands and face in the bathroom, and shucked my shirt. I was planning to crawl into bed with her, figuring we’d reached that point, when she ca
me out of the bedroom and pulled the door carefully shut behind her.
“Hey,” she said, leaning on the bathroom doorframe in her baggy joggers and a T-shirt. Her hair was messy and her eyes were bloodshot, her face swollen.
I had a sneaking suspicion she’d been crying.
“Are you okay?” I asked, going to her and pulling her against me. She didn’t wrap her arms around me but let me hold her. “Isla told me your ex showed up here. I’m sorry you had to deal with that alone. If you want me to track him down and punch him, I will.” I was only half kidding.
Her fingers were flat against my chest. She sighed. “Not worth risking assault charges. It wasn’t fun but it wasn’t horrible either. He’s just such an ass and I feel terrible that he doesn’t want Sully at all. He wants to sign away his parental rights.”
My reaction was probably wrong, but I was relieved. “How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t want him showing up at random intervals, so I guess in the end this is best, but I still feel sad for my son. It’s not fair that my poor choices mean he won’t have a father.”
I stroked her arms. “Savannah, it’s not your fault. It’s your ex’s fault. You couldn’t have predicted his reaction to finding out you were pregnant. Some guys can man up, others can’t.”
She sniffled. “You and me… this is a bad idea, Maddox.”
I stiffened and pulled back to study her face. She had tears in her eyes. “What are you talking about? Is this because of your brother? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for him to find out but I was talking to Isla when she called me about your ex and he overheard the conversation.”
“Steven called me. He’s pissed at both of us. You for taking advantage of me and me for being stupid enough to fall for it.” She shook her head and her voice trembled. “That’s how highly my brother thinks of both of us, which is insulting. No, I’m not worried about Steven’s opinion right now.”
“Then what is it?” I took her hand. “Come here. Let’s sit down. We don’t want to have this conversation in the bathroom.”
My gut was tight and I was trying to stay calm, rational. Talk her down off whatever ledge she’d climbed onto as a result of her ex and her brother. She’d been all on board the night before.
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