We sat down and she pulled her legs under her.
“I agree that we could have talked more about what was happening, what this means,” I said. “Because just to be clear, what I want is you. I’m in love with you and I want to be with you, in a relationship. Indefinitely. I love Sully and I will treat him like my own flesh and blood. I have a good example in my own stepfather and I know I’m capable of that.” I took her hand and kissed the back of it. “I love you, Savannah.”
The tears slid down her cheeks. “I believe you. I believe you mean that. Now. But what happens in a year when all your friends are out partying and you’re stuck at home with a girlfriend and a toddler?”
That took me aback. “What are you talking about? When did I ever say I wanted to party? Do you see me partying now?”
“Because you’ve been obligated to help me out.”
I was starting to shift from puzzled to pissed. “Why is this coming up now? That was never a big deal between us. You never once asked me if I felt stuck at home. I told you my goal was to go home, to be near my family. I told you I’m not a guy who fucks every girl who gives him a smile. That’s your brother, not me. And you knew that.”
She bit her lip. “I can’t make a mistake, Maddox. Not another one. Look where I’m at because I’m romantic and gullible and believe everything men tell me. Being served parental rights termination papers.”
I was pretty sure I’d never understood the phrase “saw red” until Savannah spoke those words. “I’m not men. I’m not your asshole ex. I’m me. Maddox. The man who has loved you since he was still a kid.”
“Exactly,” she said, and her voice was pleading. “I’m just a fantasy to you.”
She had just hit my second hot button. I stood up, unable to sit. I put my hands behind my head to try to cool down. I took a deep breath and said very calmly, “Do not tell me how I feel or what you are to me. I know my own emotions. This, what we’ve been doing for weeks and weeks is not a fantasy. It’s real and you know it.”
Now she was full-on crying. “I just can’t trust that this is right. I can’t risk this. If it goes wrong, it’s on me that I did this to Sully twice, and this time it will be worse, because he knows you and cares about you.” She swiped at her face. “I need to take more time, date with more distance.”
For a second, I felt a flicker of hope. “Okay. You want me to move out, not spend so much time with Sully. I get that. We can do that. It’s not what I want, but I can respect that. Maybe we did this all backward.”
But she shook her head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I meant in the future, when I’m dating…”
Someone else. Those were the unspoken words.
Fuck. Fuck and fuck.
“I fall in love too easily,” she finished.
Damn.
I wasn’t anything special. That’s what she was saying.
I thought for a second, and decided I had nothing to lose. I’d already given her my heart and she was handing it back. “I know I don’t fit in with your ideal, what you pictured for your life. I don’t have a job on Wall Street and a yacht and I am only twenty-four and covered in tattoos. This is me. This ink isn’t erasable. And maybe that’s embarrassing for a woman like you to have to explain on the playground to the other moms, I don’t know. And I’m not going to toss rose petals across the bedroom floor or take you on a carriage ride like the dudes in your movies. I tried to be Ryan Reynolds and I don’t think it’s a good fit for me.”
“What are you talking about? And I’m not embarrassed of you. Why would you even think that?”
“I tried to listen to Jana. She had me watching rom-coms and trying to figure out how I could take you ice-skating and all these other crazy schemes so you fall in love with me.”
“That’s why you wanted to go ice-skating?” she asked, looking stunned. “I just thought you wanted fresh air.”
I might have laughed at that except my heart felt like it was caught in a garbage compactor. We were getting off track.
“You said it yourself. I’m not romantic. I did come here with an agenda of being with you, I can admit that. Sure, it was for the show. But it was also for you. And maybe I suck at being the wine and dine guy. Maybe I won’t take you to some fancy-ass restaurant or throw you a circus engagement party. But do you know what I will do? I will be there for you every single fucking day, and I will respect you, and take care of you and love you with all my heart. I will help you raise your son and I’ll give you another one if that’s what you want. I stick, Savannah.”
There it was. My whole fucking heart on a platter handed over to her.
I stood there, waiting, feeling like my future, my everything, rested on her next words.
She was crying, her knees drawn up to her chest. “I… I don’t know what to do.”
There it was. Like a punch in the gut.
She wasn’t ready to commit to me.
Or maybe she just didn’t want me.
Maybe I’d been companionship. An orgasm. A friend, nothing more.
My jaw worked. I bent over and grabbed my backpack. “I’ll sleep at Jana’s tonight. I’ll come by tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff.”
“Mad, wait…” She tried to stand up, but her feet were tangled in her blanket.
But I couldn’t stick around. “It’s fine, Savannah. I’ll be fine. I hope you find what you’re looking for some day, I really do. And I hope you’ll let me say goodbye to Sully tomorrow. I really do love him.”
My throat constricted and I just shook my head. I had nothing left to say. I took three steps and made it to the door. I ran down the stairs, my boots pounding the concrete. I burst onto the street and looked up at the sky.
No stars.
It was all so fucking unfair.
Chapter Sixteen
I almost fell face-first onto the floor scrambling to get off of the couch. “Maddox!”
The door slammed shut behind him.
Where the hell were my keys? And my shoes? I needed to go after him but I couldn’t go far because of Sully. Just downstairs. But if I caught him in front of the building, it would be okay.
By the time I found my keys and grabbed my phone, it was too late to worry about shoes, so I locked my apartment door behind me and ran down the stairs in socks. I shoved open the front door of my building and slid outside a la Bridget Jones, though wearing pants.
“Maddox!”
I didn’t see him in either direction.
“Shit!” He was just gone.
I had things to say to him. I needed to explain myself better. That I was trying to do the right thing, that I didn’t want to hurt him. Most of all, that I did love him. That I didn’t care about tattoos (hell, those were hot) but I didn’t trust myself. I hadn’t said any of it right.
I called him but he didn’t pick up. I jumped up and down in frustration, making tight fists. “Argh!”
Then I went back upstairs because I wasn’t going to leave Sully alone for longer than a minute or two. I called Maddox again. This time it went right to voicemail. He’d either turned off his phone or declined my call.
I thought about texting him but I wasn’t sure what to say.
He had said he would return the next day for his stuff. That would give me at least ten hours to figure out what to say.
I threw myself on my bed facedown and marveled at the irony that the night before I had been in this same position and Maddox had been lying next to me. Now I was alone and frankly, I deserved it.
I stayed up half the night, tossing and turning, tearing up, berating myself and life and all things Julia Roberts.
Around four, I finally fell asleep and dreamed that Ryan Reynolds was in my face, laughing hysterically.
* * *
My head was pounding like I’d downed four martinis, but I dragged myself into the shower and got both myself and Sully ready. The girls and I had brunch plans. Dakota liked to call us the bitches who brunch, but I liked to think of it more as #squadg
oals. We tried to make time every couple of months to do brunch, and thank all the powers of the universe it was brunch Sunday because I needed serious advice.
Dakota stared at me over her chicken and waffles. “I’m so confused.”
We had spent the first twenty minutes of brunch going over Leah’s amazing engagement party, catching up on each other’s Instagram stories from the event, and complimenting Leah on how beautiful she had looked. Which was exactly the way it should be two days after your engagement party. But when the conversation had drifted to Dakota’s upcoming laser hair removal I figured I could explain what had gone down between me and Maddox.
“Well, that makes two of us,” I said, aggressively wiping down the tray and area in front of Sully with an antibacterial wipe for the second time.
“Friday night he tells you he loves you. You say it back. Am I right? And now he’s moving out and you are basically breaking up?” She turned to Isla. “Does that make sense to you?”
“I’m picking through it.” Isla lifted up her coffee, and set it back down. “Nope. I’m in the dark.”
“What is there to explain?” I said, feeling exasperated. “He basically told me he came here with a crush still and that he planned to have sex with me. It wasn’t totally spontaneous. I told him that I can’t be trusted to make good decisions when it comes to men and now that I have a son I need to be…” I was searching for the right word.
“Celibate?” Felicia asked.
“Ew. That wasn’t exactly what I meant, but I guess so, yes.”
“When is sex ever actually spontaneous?” Leah asked. “I could sit here and argue that the first time Grant and I hooked up was spontaneous. Twisted ankle, a ride home, etc. But that only happened because we’d been lusting after each other for six months. You were lusting after Maddox since the second you saw him and apparently, he’s been lusting after you for a decade.” She sipped her mimosa, clearly a woman who knew things now that she was engaged.
“Ugh, this is such a mess. My brother was a complete ass about the whole thing. He told me I was going to end up pregnant and lonely for the second time.”
“What the hell?” Dakota’s jaw dropped. “I think your brother needs his butt beat.”
“Agreed. I haven’t even heard from him since I hung up on him.”
“Do we still hang up on people?” Felicia asked. “Or do we end the call? That sounds so unwieldy.”
“Focus,” I said, through gritted teeth. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do now.”
“I guess nothing,” Isla said, giving a casual shrug. “You’ve already figured it all out.”
I stared her down. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” she asked, tilting her head. “Tell me, Savannah. What am I doing?”
“Refusing to indulge me.”
“Because you’re not telling us the truth of it. What are you afraid of?”
“I did tell you.” I was frustrated and kept checking at my phone. Nothing from Maddox. “I’m afraid of Sully getting hurt.”
“And?”
I swallowed. “I’m afraid of me getting hurt. I’m afraid that Maddox will get older and decide that he doesn’t want me.”
“It’s okay to be afraid of those things,” Felicia said, reaching for my hand. “Most people are afraid to be rejected and abandoned. If they’re not, they’re Isla.”
That made me laugh, though it was a little wobbly.
“Newsflash,” Isla said. “I act tough and defensive and don’t date because I am afraid of being rejected. I don’t need Freud to tell me that.”
“What have you always wanted?” Leah asked me. “A forever guy, right? That has driven you in your dating since I’ve known you. You don’t want to play the field and you’re not afraid of commitment. Maddox is offering you all of that and if you don’t at least try, I think you’re nuts. You might as well delete all rom-coms from your streaming library.”
The thought was horrifying. “I can’t do that. Maddox told me he has been watching rom coms with Jana to try to do romantic things for me.”
“That’s fucking romantic,” Dakota said. “In and of itself.”
It was. I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I’m a mess.”
My phone buzzed. It was Maddox.
At the apartment getting my stuff. Are you coming back soon?
I just sat down to brunch. Our food isn’t here yet.
Okay. I’ll get you your key another day.
No. That wasn’t right.
You don’t even want to talk?
What is there left to say?
Nothing. Everything. I read the texts out loud to my friends.
“What should I do?” I couldn’t let him walk away like that. It was wrong. All wrong.
“This is real life,” Isla said. “Unless you have something different to say, he’s right. There isn’t anything left to talk about.”
That answer officially sucked.
I thought about Maddox on the fire escape. I thought about the look in his eyes when he had told me he loved me. The gentleness of his kiss. The steadiness of his friendship. The intensity of his passion.
“Or you follow the lead of your greatest heroines and take a leap of faith and go for it,” Leah said. “You can take a risk, go after him, and be vulnerable.”
“You’re starring in your own movie,” Dakota said. “Write the ending however you want.”
All of us turned and gawked at Dakota.
“What?” she asked, sipping her bloody Mary. “It’s true.”
“I just never expected something so profound to emerge from you,” Felicia said. “No offense.”
“None taken.” Dakota cheerfully dunked her celery in her drink.
She might as well have tossed that drink in my face. That was the effect her words had on me.
There was no way I could let my relationship with Maddox end like this.
He was the total package and I would be too stupid to live if I let fear prevent me from accepting what he was offering.
“Oh my God,” I said, shoving my chair back. “I love him. I absolutely love him and I have to go find him.” I was scrambling for my purse to pay for my brunch that hadn’t even arrived yet.
“Don’t worry about your food,” Isla said. “I’ll cancel your order.”
I tried to unbuckle Sully but my fingers were trembling.
“Leave the baby,” Felicia said. “We’ve got this. Just leave the diaper bag and his bottle. Go get your man.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, heart pounding as I pulled on my coat.
“Absolutely. Now go. Seriously, run.”
“Thank you!” I kissed Sully and blew them all a kiss and ran for the door. I was wearing boots with a heel which wasn’t the best for a jog down the sidewalk but I threw my purse over my shoulder and went for it.
By the third block on my way to my apartment it was raining. The plan was to get to my apartment and stop Maddox before he left. It was a fifteen-minute walk but I managed it in under ten. I took the stairs, out of breath, and held on to the railing. My hair was damp and stuck to my forehead.
Fumbling with my key, I tumbled into the apartment. “Maddox!”
It was obvious almost immediately he wasn’t there. The apartment was still and there was no sign of him. His suitcase in the corner was gone. “Damn it!” I kicked the couch and then jumped up and down. “Ow, fuck. That hurt.”
I went into the bathroom as I pulled my phone out. I texted Maddox.
Where are you?
Almost to the train station. Going back to Jana’s until I figure out where I’m living.
Don’t get on the train. Wait for me.
He didn’t answer, which wasn’t promising. I didn’t even know where Jana lived, so I wasn’t sure what line he would take.
But I would be a fool not to at least try.
I locked my apartment behind me and took off running again. Or maybe not running. More like jogging breathlessly. The rain had ramped up
and by the time I got to the subway I was absolutely drenched, hanks of heavy hair plastered to my head and face. The front of my pants were wet to the knee from plowing through puddles.
Swiping my card, I tried to go through the turnstile too fast and nearly knocked myself out bouncing off the barrier. Once I was through, I took off for the platform, dodging a guy playing the trumpet. I kept jumping up and down as I was running to see if I could catch a glimpse of Maddox over the other heads. He was a tall guy. I might be able to scan and spot him.
I did the world’s fastest social media dive into Jana, finding her on the tattoo shop’s website to figure out her last name and then going to her various accounts. She lived in Harlem from what I could tell.
C train. I was on the right track. The train was arriving.
Suddenly, I saw him. He was standing back from the train, backpack on, suitcase next to him. He looked angry and sad.
And gorgeous. God, he was just the hottest man ever.
“Maddox!” I yelled, as I maneuvered around an elderly woman with a cane, trying my hardest not to jostle her. “Maddox!”
He turned.
We locked eyes.
I was five feet away and it might as well have been a hundred. Every step was agony as he watched me, jaw set.
When I finally reached him, I just stood there for a second trying to regain my breath. I was panting and had a stitch in my side. I bent over slightly and held my finger up to indicate I needed a second. Why did that never happen to the star in movies? I was eating a lung.
“Savannah, what are you doing?” he asked.
I stood back up and pushed my wet hair back, shivering. “I love you,” I said, because that seemed like a good lead in and I didn’t have a better one. I just needed to spill my guts. “I love you and I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry I panicked but I want to be with you, for now, for forever.”
His reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. His nostrils flared but he just asked, “Why? What is different from last night?”
My assumption had been he would just open his arms and accept me. He was a tough audience and it was clear I’d really hurt him. I needed to make this super clear. I scrambled for the right words.
Five First Dates Page 18