Yoshiwara

by Eve Kaan

  'You seem somehow quiet, Uta? And as far as I've heard you spent your first day in a walk with a lady, well my little sister, how did you spend that time?' She squeezed her eyes, trying to see me more clearly, but the shadow hid me. 'Come to me, Uta. I can't see you well in that darkness.' I approached only for one step into the part over which the soft light is felling.

  'Your eyes, Uta.' She slowly said in amazement. 'This scent, it's familiar – your kimono already smelled like that. I remember now.' I watched her without blinking. The chill crawled through my skin. Silence is also a lie. 'Your eyes - your soul, you became a woman Uta?' My lungs clenched. I have to react quickly. No one can find out about this, not even the closest person to me.

  'I am, I've been a woman for some time now - have you forgotten?' She studied me through the pensive gaze. 'Gina took me on lunch, and we went for a walk after the carriage left us on the shore.' I still didn't see her reaction. 'It was really nice. She's a real lady. I enjoyed our conversations about her travels.' I was trying to look natural.

  She got up from the futon making a few slow steps towards me.

  'You don't have to bother with fictional stories.' Her face looked serious, but her voice is almost like a whisper. 'The forest between Yoshiwara and the river belongs to the estate of Respected lady.'

  I was astonished. Is she really that rich. I rode in the carriage through the woods longer than it would take me to drink a cup of tea. The thought didn't last long because of Utano, or rather - her presence, which made me tense. I don't care about Rin's wealth anyway. I would love her even if she is a poor village girl.

  Soon I snapped out of my thoughts.

  'Through your eyes, I can see that you didn't work. Last night you made love Uta. When you say Gina's name, there's no sparkle in your eyes, they are shining only for the name of a certain lady, the one who leaves her own scent on you. I recognized it, Uta. Sayuri's sister told me about her special oil. The whole Yoshiwara knows how she imports it from the north by paying a bottle like a precious stone. Your mouth can speak, but your eyes never knew how to hide a secret. I'm looking at the love that holds you completely on the inside.' I didn't breathe anymore, am I so obvious? 'Maybe you have deceived the rest of the world – but you could never fool me.' Bitterness started to come out through her voice, but her tone stayed low as she said, 'I haven't met such a disgusting woman yet.'

  She turned her back to me, unable to even look at me. 'She used you, Uta, are you blind? She is all nice, yet secretly enjoying herself in the girls – she doesn't have the courage for being honest, and admit that she's the same as every other client.' Rage overpowered her, but the tone in which she addressed me stayed the same. 'And a tip, how huge was it? Is she paying the emotional part as well, because it's a special kind of engagement when you do the job? She's certainly enjoying when you look at her with that lovely gaze of yours.'

  She glanced toward the futon where my new kimono lays. 'Oh, I see - it started with expensive gifts. Do you know how much this kimono is worth? Night ladies don't wear something like that, it's for a proper, upper-class ladies.'

  She paused for a while, then angrily dropped her comment, 'Outrages!!!'

  She turned to me again. 'So, she doesn't want anyone to know how she uses our service. She's capable of anything, just to hide it - no matter what...'

  How can she be so full of bitterness!? I can't bear it any longer, so I cut her off impudently, 'Stop it, she is not like that. You got it all wrong.'

  Utano raised her eyebrows, lips stretching in a cynical way. 'Oh, you don't say, and what is she like? Maybe she loves you and you are her whole world, but she has a hard time admitting it. Well, she's simply one average debauchery - that's what she is... Thinking she can buy love with her gold.'

  Rage arose in me. I can't compose myself any longer, 'Enough!!! You are bitter. Rin is not like Mother!'

  Suddenly she paled. 'What did you say?' Tears slid down my cheeks. Remaining silent, I stared at her. Through her teeth, she added, 'You don't know what you're talking about.' She turned, heading for the door.

  'Utano! Wait!' I went after her. She furiously opened the door. I didn't manage to fight her rage, so the only option left for me is to just follow behind her. 'Stop Utano, I didn't mean that.' She went into her room, trying to push me out to close the door. I blocked her, eventually, she lost strength and let me in. 'I'm sorry Utano, I love you the most in the world - I didn't want this.' She lied on the futon, hiding her face in the process. I sat beside her, putting my hand on her back. 'Please forget what I said.' I begged her while she was laying all helpless.

  'Why did you compare her to Mother?' She whispered. I couldn't see her face.

  'Mother, well, amm... h-her only interest is gold, so that's why I said it.'

  I just heard briefly from her mouth, 'You're making me stupid again. That's insulting.' She showed me her face covered with tears and red stains. 'What exactly did you find out?' I've been silent for a long while. I don't have any other choice but to finally speak the truth. I told her all what Mother talked about, retelling the exact words she said under the influence of sake. There is not any power for lying left in me, not anymore, I came to every detail, including the shunga with which Mother finally fell asleep back then. Utano slowly calmed down. 'That's all you know?'

  Guilt spread in me. 'Yes, Utano - that's all, the rest I concluded by myself.'

  She was up in a sitting position, holding every emotion inside, lifting the protective wall around herself in the form of a firm expression of her face - I looked at Utano I knew.

  'It's a very old story. Feelings are overrated Uta. I want to protect you from emotions. We are broken, and rebuilt to surrender our will to others - in a world like this there's no place for a term such as love.'

  I know I shouldn't ask, but I can't hold back. Carefully selecting the words, I was looking at her with the only kind empathy I had known so far, and then I dared to ask, 'What did she do to hurt you so much?'

  She gathered her self-confidence behind the body facade, held her head high and dignified as she said, 'You've grown up already. It's time to learn how to keep some stories buried, this is the only way to erase them, make them vanish, send into oblivion. This will forever remain my unspoken background. There is nothing to talk about. I told you that we aren't meant for love, but for its simulation which we sell for gold.'

  Again, the old lecture of hers began to surface back in our conversation. 'She pays you Uta, for each of your moments Mother receives compensation in gold coins.' I realized that this conversation does not lead us anywhere, after all, her ability to understand this situation is unfortunately long gone. She is wounded too much for comprehension. I let her give me an opinion, full of hope that I would listen to her. For the first time, her best intent has no place in my mind, each of her sentences is useless for a heart under the emotional lush.

  'I mean, even if you wanted you can't escape her, yet she is our owner after all. I'm aware of that, you have to act as she says - fulfilling her wishes, it's not that you have a choice. All that remains for you is just to drown the heart into cold water to stop the beating towards her. I don't blame you, Uta. She is a powerful, beautiful, sensual, and extremely rich woman. No wonder she mesmerized you. She's older than you a couple of summers, yet skilled enough to get underneath your skin by getting emotion to fulfill her ego. Don't worry, all of this will remain our secret.'

  I stopped listening at the word 'mesmerized'. Rin is a magnificent woman, she was afraid of me like the end was coming for her. She has enough gold and power over me to leash me, expecting to show her love for the rest of my life. On several occasions, she had the opportunity to use my feelings, and she waited not wanting to hurt me. Utano is filled with irrational fears from her unfortunate experience. If love wasn't possible, the world wouldn't exist. In the end, I only heard how my sister will give me comfort when I realize that she was right and that she would always be there for me no matter what decision I make, bu
t all that still in the hope that I will forget about Rin.

  I kissed Utano for a good night before I went back to my room.

  Happiness fulfilled me at the end of this evening. I didn't have to lie, despite her attitude. I'm glad she knows how I feel. I wouldn't bare having to lie so much. Rin is my future in which I would love to keep Utano too. Time will show her that Rin really loves me, so then Utano will accept her as a family, she only wants for me to be happy. I placed a gifted kimono beside myself, it smells of jasmine with a note of green tea and lemon. I want her closeness to make me fall asleep.

  ✽✽✽

  All day I waited impatiently for the time when I will see Rin, to come. Utano acted as if we didn't have our last night's conversation. She woke me the way she did every other morning. We drank tea with Kaoru, Hana, and Mother. In the afternoon, we engaged in our usual activities of the day by playing cards on the porch with the sun over the garden and exercising the routine choreography...

  Utano pretended so much that it awakened some suspicions in me. She didn't mention anything at all, just hiding her own look in front of Mother's eyes - that's the only assurance I have, not to think I've imagined the situation I had with her yesterday. But still, she was acting in the most awkward way while my preparations for tonight's event took place. She began to talk about Gina as if the story with her was true, completely ignoring Rin's existence. She gave me a piece of advice on how to keep her satisfied in every moment if I were to be bought by her again tonight. She seems to have lost her mind since last night. To be honest, I didn't think too much about it. I accepted the game, playing it even better than her. Utano couldn't remove the smile from her face because of that. Is it possible that she convinced herself that I wasn't involved with Rin? It may be easier for her to forget my actual situation if it provokes the trauma in her. This side of Utano I haven't seen before, if anyone could face reality, it would be her, yet now she behaves like a person of weak character.

  Despite Utanos efforts, directed to my earnings with other clients I suppose, I was only with Rin in my thoughts. She is my true second half.

  ✽✽✽

  I've rushed into the Great House running up the stairs in her hug. Hearing my steps, she opened the door before I even found myself in the corridor. Her smile shining like rays of warm light. I fell into her embrace as she closed the door by pushing it with her foot. 'I missed you Yuna.' She whispered gently. We spun, merged like one being- in the end, we fell down on a futon beside the water, engaged in passionate kisses.

  'I couldn't wait to see you Rin.'

  'I don't want to be parted from you. I couldn't wait for you to come - I love you eternally.' She returned the words by holding my heart carefully like it's made of glass.

  'Your scent was left on my kimono, which I held last night.' With light melancholy I said.

  'Why that look - did I make you sad somehow?' She raised my chin to bring me closer as I lied on her.

  'I'm not sad, I'm happy to see you. The whole day I spent in longing.' She leaned her palm on my soft cheek.

  'I love you Yuna, I can't bear any melancholy in your eyes. If you want, I'll just go out and tell everyone that you are mine, you'll pack your things and come to me - then I'll keep you in my embrace all the time looking at happiness in your eyes.'

  'It's not that. I mean, of course, I would love that more than anything, but we are not done with Yoshiwara's problems.'

  'I don't care about Yoshiwara. In my life, nothing is more important than you are.' She shook her head and remained silent. 'Then what causes such sorrow in those beautiful eyes.'

  'I can't tell you, Rin.' I spoke quietly, sitting upright.

  'What is it, my love?' She caressed me with her warm eyes. I want to share with her everything I have been through with Utano, but fear does not allow me. How can I be sure she will understand me - this could offend her, and I don't want her to leave me forever.

  'I'm afraid you will not understand.' in a whisper, I spoke.

  'You can try, and I will do my best to understand every word from your tough thoughts. I can't see what could be so terrible that I wouldn't understand?' She is patient and gentle with me, if she really loves me, she will understand me without judgment.

  'Promise?' With hope in my eyes, I asked.

  'I promise!' Her answer came firmly.

  'It's about Utano - my sister.'

  'I know she's your sister. You've already forgotten how much you talked to me about her. I would say she's a wonderful person who keeps you safe from the whole world.' I was silent, while tears slid down my cheeks like a fall. 'What is it? Hey, why are you letting your tears to come out? I will understand Yuna.'

  I closed my eyes, all strength in me completely gone, enabling me to watch Rin's reaction. I told her everything, actually, the parts of her exploiting me I alleviated a little, but only for a bit, and I did tell her the most of it truly as it was. Including the last part where Utano behaved as if all had been forgotten, and even the part when I caught Mother with sake. All that time Rin gently soothed me by calming every tear and every sob. She did not interrupt me, listening carefully. I ended up opening my eyes. Her face had a lost sight with distant contemplation. The silence had lasted for a while, and then she recoiled, snapping out of her thoughts. 'Here, you see, I understood everything - there wasn't a single word unknown to me. You said everything well and articulated.' She tried to cheer me up with being silly before she shared her thoughts with me.

  ✽✽✽

  Rin

  Yuna just added at the end of her story, 'Please don't hate Utano, she doesn't mean anything ill.' I'm not sure what to tell her. What words for such comfort should I use? I didn't think that all this would cause such trouble for her. That's the only perspective I've never perceived our position from. That, I use her because I'm rich enough to please my ego. Of course, this is not true - we both know that, but such a thought is logical. Every one of our clientele is rich, and our services are used for their emotional and physical pleasure. It's true that I, supposedly, could be seen like that in an outsiders point of view, besides - it is a fact that I am a holder of her debt, so I could presumably control her life. This is a very vulnerable position. I don't want her to have a debt. But if I tell her now, on top of it all, that she is free - even a phrase as this one would just sound like I'm her owner. Actually, Utano's thoughts are logical.

  She's looking at me full of hope. 'How could I hate her Yuna, she is just protective over you.' Happiness became visible on her face for a moment because I understood her - of course, I would. She can talk to me about anything, she is my love and comfort. 'She was certainly hurt in the past, so now she is afraid you'll face some hurtful experience as well.' She listened carefully. 'We don't know what's in the past that she is hiding, but surely something terrible if it's still hurting her.' We gazed at each other, and I took her face in my hands. 'I'm not Mother. I love you with all my heart, Yuna. You are the only one who touched my soul.' Kisses interrupted my speech for a moment. 'Maybe she will accept our love one day, and for now, you have to let her handle the situation the way she feels most comfortable. Sometimes denial can mean more than an acceptance in someone's heart, which is barely healed after a hard turmoil. Such trauma shouldn't be revoked.'

  'Rin, you're the most wonderful being nature has created.' I hugged her firmly. Calming her tears.

  'I must admit that I still don't understand clearly this story with Mother. I have the impression that she also feels that intense emotions, as well as Utano when you mentioned it to her. Well, I don't really get how it is possible that Mother used her if she was acting the same way. According to this, I would say that love is mutual - but Utano refuses her.' Yuna looked at me, shrugging her shoulders. 'Thank you because you confided in me. I will always be here for you Yuna, and only a word from you is enough for me to show you publicly as my other half.'

  'I'm grateful to have you, so wonderful and full of understanding. As far as Yoshiwara is in quest
ion - we still have a matter to solve.'

  'I've been dreaming about you all night, I don't want to go downstairs tonight. Let's stay here, I will not let you out of my arms - I want to cuddle with you until sunrise.' I proposed fondly, immediately being scolded by her sharply, saying that I'm the Respected lady and that I can't neglect the entire Yoshiwara now because of love - everyone's survival is on my shoulders, or so she said. We used our remaining time to enjoy the tenderness until the last client hasn't arrived.

  ✽✽✽

  Yuna

  I went down with the first tacts, and Rin waited for the instrumental section to pass to join us at the event. Tonight are mostly Yoshiwara's long term clients here, or so we were told that by Madam - for them the service must be of high quality.

  Every time I look at Rin, I'd see her soul lust for me, urging me to place my lips on that wonderful being who not only understood my troubles but comforted me too.

  Nori also joined us. She's only occasionally coming to the pleasant evenings. When I served her, she quietly informed me that she will be my buyer tonight. Entertaining two clients with the stories from old volumes, I heard a silent speech among several women in the background, behind the sound waves. They mentioned fun with girls, but what attracted my attention was the phrase 'in the second part of Yoshiwara's houses.' How is that possible, in the second part is entertainment intended only for men. I slowly pulled out of the current conversation to get closer to the other, more interesting one. The clients I was with enjoyed my presence more than I noticed. Upon leaving, one of them pulled me by the sleeve, 'Where do you think you're going? You are ours tonight.' she said in a hoarse voice caused by excessive tobacco consumption.

  I politely replied - It didn't take me long to learn how to manage in such situations, this following me at almost all the events, 'Thank you for your appetency - I thought my ladies would appreciate an extra few cups of sake if you'd let me be so open.' Rin looked at us with squeezed eyes, assuring me that if I just blinked wrong, she would send for their buttocks that would end up on the stone ground in front of the house like a dumped garbage. I gently smiled at her, letting her know that the situation is harmless, but she continued to look cautiously.