by Eve Kaan
'I'm not sure what you went to watch, I mean, I see nobody knows anything about it here.'
'Do you really think I'd...' I leaned closer to her that no one can hear us.
'Oh, I saw you learned everything, I was just wondering - where did you see it!?'
'Hmm, so that's it.' She lowered her hand on my thigh, showing a smile smitten with hidden passions.
At the same moment, I became pale.
Suddenly, like under a sharp strike, I lost my breath for a few heartbeats. Behind her back, I saw the girl - reminding me of Utano. Unable to see her clearly, I'm trying to lean sidelong, but she is turned only laterally towards me.
'What is it? Did I do something wrong?' Rin asked me and quickly pulled her hand away.
'No, no, no... I think I saw, I'm not sure, it can't be...'
'Who?'
'I can't see, don't move, she will come under the lamp now. That's impossible, it can't be...' I leaned forward to see - and Utano stood with other girls at the porch.
'It's all right Yuna, don't overreact now. Calm down, breathe deeply for a few times.' She took my hand, and I inhaled. Nori saw what's happening, then whispered to Gina. Both of them became deadly serious. They turned heads toward the porch to watch the dance with bare girls so they wouldn't pray in what's really happening here.
I wanted us to talk about it all tomorrow, but now I'm finding her here with those alley girls. My Utano, my sister. Rin is right, I have to calm down, it's not wise to make a scene in front of everyone here. I can't remove my eyes from her while she's walking around clients in that humiliating robe. I'm just awaiting her visit in silence, although I don't know what to say to her. I can't reveal my identity, I can't even talk. She will find out who I am if she hears my voice. I'm not sure what to do.
Rin told me she is with me whatever I decide to do, but she asked me to think well before any action. Utano is approaching our table. Her yukata is waving over the naked leg, and her breasts are partially visible in the upper part because of loosened obi. She always walked sensually and confident, but in this environment, even she looks like a rough slut. Panic seized me when I realized that she's planning to sit beside me. I caught Rin's hand, feeling the cold sweat surfacing on my skin.
Utano greeted us politely and offered the sake, but there was no answer. Gina and Nori didn't want to participate. They walked out from the table and went for a walk through the dense darkness. I squeezed Rin's hand, and affirmatively nodded to Utano. She picked up an empty plate telling us she would be back quickly with a full pot of sake. I told Rin that she has to be the one to talk, my voice is known to her.
'But Yuna, what should I talk to her about, I can't.'
'You must! I want to know what is she doing here.'
'But, I can't ask her that.'
Utano interrupted our conversation by coming back. As if she feels who I am, she settled herself by my side again. She poured sake for us without spilling a single drop - it was a perfect serving like only she knows. 'My ladies, do you enjoy the evening full of excitement?'
Rin was silent, and I only looked at Utano in disbelief. I squeezed Rin's hand again, 'The evening is lovely, but we did not come to the excitement quite yet.'
Utano didn't recognize her voice, so she just continued, 'Is it possible that this dance didn't awake your senses, it's only natural?' With each word she seduces. I know exactly what she is doing. I know every step of her game - watching her doing it with clients many times before.
Rin hesitated. 'This dance is not what should be shown to the ladies. We would rather choose to enjoy the true arts.'
Utano leaned over me on purpose to give me a glimpse of her breasts. 'And you? I didn't hear any word from you...' everything's breaking in me as I'm listening to her, '... my skills are educated, I'm not like the other girls...'
I grabbed my mask and started to lower it slowly, Utano adjusted a smile, thinking that her seduction is successful. 'You will reveal me your identity. Maybe I have met you somewhere...' She continued her sentence only for one more word, but then stopped.
I lowered the mask from half of my face, revealing the tears. I couldn't breathe. Her face took the colour of my mask in a blink of an eye. We spent a few moments in silence. Her eyes began to swell, she was frozen. 'Uta, this is my first time. They promised me golden coins tonight, just the amount we lack for you to be free.'
Rin repeated utterly shocked, 'Free?!'
I couldn't speak, my throat squeezed from tears. Utano continued like Rin didn't say anything. 'They promised me a high tip, just to replace what you borrowed from Sayuri at the ceremony.'
I felt Rin loosening her handholding. She tried to pull it from mine, but I clutched her tightly and pulled back to me.
'I lied Utano!!! Lied!! I didn't borrow anything! I hid that tip from you when you brought me the rest of your gold to pay off my debt.'
Utano gazed at me in disbelief. 'But I'm - all of this was... - Uta...' Her tone turned to desperate one in which she called for me, the last strength broke in me. 'Utano, I'm sorry, I couldn't. My heart belongs to her. I couldn't leave her. I would never lie to you, but I didn't have a choice.'
I felt Rin holding me with both of her hands.
'You did that because of her,' she continued with an angry voice, 'and where is she now Uta!? Sending you to this disgusting place to do the dirty work for her!! Do you know what kind of women are here?'
I didn't see Rin, but from Utano's facial expression I realized that she just took off her mask.
At the moment she rose up uncovered, the whole party stopped.
'All the girls who belong to my care will take departure in the carriages waiting outside - immediately!' She leaned toward me. 'Yuna my love,' then I realized that all Yoshiwara is listening to us, 'I see it!! All ears are on us. I don't want to talk like that either.' She gently placed her hand on my cheek, and with warm glance continued. 'Sweetheart, there's enough carriages here, if you want to go to our house to talk, or Mother's, wherever you'll feel comfortable. If you need some time, I will understand - I just want you to be happy.'
I hugged her the hardest I could. 'I don't need any time, just you - that's my happiness.' She kissed me more tenderly than ever. 'Rin, I'll go to Mother with Utano - we all need to talk.' She escorted us both to the carriage. During our departure, she reminded me not to forget the story with boards.
CHAPTER TWENTY
We are sitting in a carriage like two strangers, staring in silence into the dark streets, each at her own side, away from each other. I was looking for a word to start with. Occasionally we would glance at each other, but there was no sound.
'I am sorry.' Utano quietly whispered through the tears when the carriage had almost passed the border of our part. After a short silence, she continued, 'I was scared. I thought you left us for good. What you saw Uta, I never talked to you about it, I couldn't - I wanted to forget, I wanted to stop feeling.'
'I desperately tried to tell you about Rin, and you were refusing me. I didn't have your support when I needed it. All this time, Utano - all that time I thought you didn't know of that feeling. I was afraid you would abandon me, that you wouldn't understand, I -.'
'It wasn't like that, don't say that Uta. I was worried about you. I wanted to protect you from what happened to me. How could I know if she is honest.' Her voice is breaking from trembling as she speaks.
'She is honest. I love her Utano. She is my soul mate.'
'I didn't know that, back then. Forgive me, Uta. I just wanted to protect you.'
'From what you want to protect me?'
'From you Uta.' She responded helplessly.
'You haven't even given me a chance to explain it to you, and then when I found you with Mother - the whole world crashed in me. I don't understand, you've been hiding it from me.'
'Love is bitter to me. I just want you to be happy. Your happiness is all I have in life. I wanted for you to be free, to leave Yoshiwara, start a new life...'
&nbs
p; 'To start it alone?'
'Soon Uta, when I would collect enough – you wouldn't be alone...'
'You're lying Utano. You're lying again.'
'Uta!'
'And how long should I wait for you?!'
'Until I earn enough golden coins, I told you that your freedom comes first.'
'Utano! I saw your file. I know everything.'
'You kno- yo-you know.'
'Just don't lie to me. I can handle everything - but enough with the lies.'
'Uta, I-I don't want to lose you.' She couldn't speak from the sobs anymore. I feel sorry for her. It's hard for me to see her like this. I went to sit beside her, and she hugged me. I held her tightly, she lost all the strength, her body shivered as it did on the night when I found her in that cold dark ally.
'I love you Utano, you will not lose me. I've forgiven you long ago. Please don't lie to me anymore.' My words comforted her enough to start speaking again. She moved her head from my shoulder, lowering my palms into her lap. She held them frantically like they were all the strength she has.
'I'll tell you the story. The story of a blind love...' The carriage stopped in front of our house. Mother was waiting on the outer porch with sake and her pipe. We didn't even stop properly, and Mother has already opened our door in a panic. 'Uta! You came...' She suddenly broke her sentence with her expression turning pale as snow. 'Utano, what happened? I was looking for you everywhere, your tears...' She roughly removed Mother's hand from her neck while leaving the carriage not even sparing her a look. I went after Utano, Mother following us. 'Utano... Utano...' She repeated it all the way to the reception room where Utano settled at the table, then poured the cup of sake, and swallowed it in one gulp. Mother looked at her with concern. I sat across with a plate of sake in front of me. I need courage - Utano filled my cup.
She began, 'Uta, this is the bitter story about a broken heart, destroyed by lies...'
Mother was standing at the table all tensed, she cut her off. 'Don't, please, Utano – don't...'
The fire appeared in Utano's eyes. I saw it for the first time. She burned her with a sharp look and said through the teeth, 'You - shut up! It's all your fault!!! I will no longer hide it – It's enough.'
Mother flinched staring at her with enormously big eyes as Utano swallows the whole cup again.
'I was 15 summers old when I arrived at her house. The most beautiful woman I have ever seen welcomed me. It was a girl with majestic skills. I admired her so much, then she took me to be her sister. Utako was the Yoshiwara's name she wore.' Mother dropped to the floor in tears. With eyes gazed toward the ground, all strength visibly left her. 'We spent two wonderful summers during which I learned everything – she was the best tutor I could have, although she said I'm gifted. I'm not sure how that happened, but the first night when I was present at her regular intimate pleasures with a client I realized I have feelings for her, I was in love. Jealousy was driving me crazy through all that evening. Soon, I got the same feelings returned, and our story began. I thought there was no happier person in this world, my soul belonged to her. After a while, she started talking about freedom plans she had for us, yet never giving me the details, just talking about patience. I was young - I didn't ask much, she was all that was important to me. I remember - when the matron took her – my pain began. She comforted me from evening to evening. I couldn't bear the thought of her belonging to another in the way she couldn't belong to me – the ceremony was ahead of me.' Utano didn't know what Mother was planning, she didn't tell her. 'I cried bitter tears on the eve of my ceremony. She was the only one I wanted, but she-she pretended every single night to share my pain, although some time later showed me how foolish I was - me being just entertainment for her.'
In a deep voice and without a glance, Mother cut her off. 'That's not true!!! It hurt me more than anything.'
Utano completely ignored her. 'Well, I was young and naive.'
Mother interrupted her again. 'Utano, my love is still here, it never ceased. How can you!!?'
'How can I!!! How dare you! You left me alone. Without a word, you abandoned me as if I was an old rag, you just cast me away.'
'I didn't Utano! Stop it!'
'Where were you!!? Hm...? Where?!! You were spending her gold on slats and other pleasures while I was dying from sorrow at home because of you. How dare you!!!?' Mother was silent. I don't understand what's going on. Why didn't she tell her the reason? Why is she silent, why doesn't Mother want to speak with her? Utano doesn't know the truth!
'Now, where was I, ah yes - when Utako bought me at the ceremony. I felt happiness greater than existence. I couldn't hide my smile. We spent a wonderful evening like all the other nights until the moment when, as I said before, she left me without a word.' Full of despise, she looked at Mother, who was by now chocking in tears. 'The happiest time of my life I spent with her, back then. She would talk about freedom every night, about the field of rice we will grow far from this world. Only the two of us. My heart grew with love I felt. Honestly, I thought it was just en wishful thinking. I was aware of how much we needed to pay off the debts, but I enjoyed those illusions. They were my hope, but then - she destroyed me.'
Poor Utano. I connected everything wrong. Rin was right. I judged her on the assumptions and not by the facts. My Utano. I went closer to her, not being able to suppress my tears because of her pain as she spoke. I hugged her from behind, and she took my hands in hers.
'I love you Utano. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I love you.' I spoke gently to her, and she was breaking on the inside to finish the story. 'You don't have to go any further. You've said enough.'
'I'm not done. I want to tell you everything, Uta. I don't want to have any secrets between us.' I settled next to her with a cup of sake. 'That evening, she was gone. In the morning, the whole Yoshiwara has been shaken from stories about her golden legacy. On the same day, I found out that her debt was repaid. She didn't even come to collect her kimonos, she just left - without even sparing a farewell.' Mother unsuccessfully started to beg her to stop the story. 'There are no words to describe my pain. At first, I was hoping she would come for me, every day I was waiting for her, with my things packed. I didn't sleep, just soaked the futon with teras. My Mother gave me her kimonos, and I kept them all - breathing her scent, imagining I was in her arms.
It took me all summer to accept that she abandoned me. That was the period when I died, only an empty shell with no purpose in this world was left of me. I was drowning my sorrow in women with golden coins, I wanted to buy my freedom just to find her. I couldn't bear my own death without an explanation.
And then, in the winter happened something I wasn't expecting any more. She appeared at our doorstep without anything. She didn't have kimonos, nor jewelry, let alone coins. She must have had a good time with all that gold. Uta, I thought she had destroyed me completely and that there was nothing left in me, but then - only then she actually crushed me. She was standing at the door, I remember, I will never forget. My Mother took her into the house, she couldn't stop looking at me. It was too much for me at the moment. She was silent every time I asked her where she was. After all that, Uta, only silence - and till this day it's still the same. She begged for my forgiveness, and when she kissed me - everything came back to me, every feeling. This is a hopeless situation.
I thought - how would I share the roof with her after all that, I didn't see any other solution, so in the cold night I ran away. I was hiding in Yoshiwara's male part for a few days, waiting for a chance to escape. Of course, the alarm was raised, guards were set up on the exits, and the rest were looking for me at the streets.
Utako fond me that night. Our fight was rough, she couldn't let me go, so I pushed her, I didn't care where I was running until - until that man Uta. If it wasn't for you, I would be dead, not because of him, but because I wanted to be. You leaned over me with those small eyes. That little creature came to me with the courage I never had. That look, filled with fear and st
rength, I stared at you in awe and felt shame. If a small, vulnerable girl has the courage to fight with life, then I can as well - you've made me feel ashamed of myself because I was a coward. Your strength - you woke up in me something I didn't know existed, I decided to fight because of you Uta.
Later, I just wondered the streets like a shadow. The guards found me and took to Mother. And, Utako - she was smitten by sake.'
Poor Utano, so she really doesn't know. I have to tell her. Mother didn't leave her, I can't bear the sorrow in her eyes. 'So Uta. Naturally, my love for her remained, she was trying so hard, but the pain never disappeared. In the moments of weakness, I would make love to her, like the time you found us, yet it was always accompanied by tears. The only focus I had in life was collecting the gold for my debt, but when I paid it back, she has already become the Mother. Each day I was preparing myself to leave her - unfortunately never got enough courage...'
Mother gazed at her with wide-opened eyes. 'You repaid the debt??? But, I thought -.'
'You thought that were the coins for my debt, so you took it, to stop me. That belongs to Uta.' Utano was like me, she didn't want the freedom without love.
Full of emotions Mother stayed astonished. 'You stayed, for me.'
Utano looked at her with odium. 'Leave me alone. I told you already, we are through.'
She can't do that if she doesn't know the truth. I know it's not up to me to tell her, but - I don't understand why Mother permits all this, why didn't she tell her?
I hesitated, yet still...
'Utano, she didn't have a good time when she left.' Both of them gave me a sharp look. 'I-I am, I mean, I saw her file as well...'
Jumping on her feet, Mother shouted, 'No, Uta! She mustn't know.'