High Fae Academy - Year Three: Paranormal Fae Romance

by Kaylin Peyerk

  “But I am not ruthless.”

  “That is not a trait you'll need in my version of the fae realm.”

  He smiles at that. “One can only hope, I suppose.”

  We lapse into silence again as the sun sets behind us. Orin is the closest one around me to someone I used to know. He has humility and more empathy than I've ever seen in a fae. It's both refreshing and comforting to know that there are people in this world that I can relate to. People that can share my vision in a way that isn't tainted or dismissive. Not that I believe the other masters or Rowan are dismissive, but they do not understand the full scope of what peace can do for this realm.

  I've seen what war does to the citizens of a country, and how blind its leadership can be to those consequences. I'm no expert, but I know this: Octavius was right. You fight for a people, not a cause or a vendetta. It starts with the people that you're protecting and when your vision doesn't include that, you've lost your way. Unfortunately, it seems that the entire fae realm has fallen into that endless cycle.

  Rowan pulls his horse up next to mine. “You did well today. You really are impressive. And you don't need me to make threats.”

  I smile, looking away from him. “Yes, well, most men don't respond to threats from women. Thank you for backing me up in standing there looking threatening.”

  When I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, I can see him smirking. “How did you know that I was looking threatening?”

  “Half of your existence is you looking brooding and threatening.”

  He burst out laughing, holding his stomach for good measure. “Sometimes you make me laugh harder than I thought you would.”

  I'm not sure what to say to that statement, so I keep silent. Orin makes eye contact with me from the other Rowan's horse. His expression is hard to decipher. Is he angry? Constipated? I lift my eyebrows to show my confusion. Does he want me to say something to Rowan? If he expects me to apologize, he has another thing coming.

  We make eyes at each other in the silence, and Rowan looks back and forth between us, making the entire situation awkward. He turns to me then and raises an eyebrow. I shrug and look away, anger making flushing my face bright red. We were having a nice moment and Orin ruined it with his meddling.

  You guys are like brother and sister, it's kind of cute.

  God, it's not cute.

  He chuckles but says nothing. Several hours go by with us moving along in silence, and we skip the tavern at the top of the mountain in favor of camping toward the edge of the Fire Kingdom in the woods on the other side. I suspect that the fire king wasn't kidding when he told me to get out of his territory and to never come back. That's fine by me, even if I do come back it probably won't be until Orin becomes king.

  While this place is beautiful, it's almost tainted to me by its oppressor, if that's a fair assessment. Everyone one has more reasons than one to act the way they do. No one is expressly evil or good. If I've learned anything from this world it's that. The thought makes me glance at Rowan as we dismount, settling down for the night in a clearing full of plush caramel-colored moss and tall oak trees. He is the best example of the balance between light and dark, good and evil. Since spawning in this world at the top of the food chain, he has gone from one side to the other and back again many times. He knows what evil looks like, and I wouldn't be surprised if some of it lurked beneath his skin.

  I would like to know more about him than he lets on. But I think he's afraid of telling me. Does he think that I'll choose Lucien if he tells me the truth? Certainly, he doesn't believe me to be so shallow, but maybe it isn't about me. He has been a solitary being for his entire existence. Has he had a great love like Lucien has? A great loss? Or none of it at all?

  I sit cross-legged in the soft moss as the men prepare the campsite. Orin creates a fire while Rowan went off to hunt, despite the fact that we have jerky and fresh fruit to snack on. Maybe he just wants some time alone.

  “Am I a fool?” I ask Orin.

  He crouches down in front of the fire, stoking it further with logs from a nearby tree. It almost seems like he didn’t hear me. We sit in silence for so long that I begin to fidget, but his back looks tense as if he's holding something in. I hope he knows that he can be honest with me, and that I want him to be.

  “Tiana, you have the most amazing men I have ever met in my life pining for you. I think you're a fool for not choosing sooner, as drawing it out like this will only create harm for everyone involved. I don't think you're a bad person, but I do think you're making the wrong decision by waiting. I know that you're aware of who your true mate is and while you may not have been consciously aware, now you know. If it were me, I would waste no time in claiming my mate because, despite the fact that fae seem to live forever, it's never enough time.”

  I'm stunned into silence as I watch him poke at the logs, his hands steady. He’s right. I've always known, even when Rowan was simply a thought, not even a being. Does that mean I had used Lucien? Led him to believe that we could be mates? That I don’t love him? No, because I do love him, but in an entirely different way. He was my first taste of what this kind of connection can be, and maybe I was right before. That you only get one great love, one chance, and he had that with Amira. No matter how brief it was. And if it's really true, I'm not going waste mine.

  “How do I tell him?” I whisper, distraught.

  He turns then, looking me in the eye. “You be honest. He will be hurt, and you must accept that is your responsibility and give him time to adjust.”

  “That's it?”

  “That's it. That's the fae world in a nutshell. Brutal and efficient.”

  “Yikes,” I joke.

  He smiles and turns back to the fire as the leaves rustle on the right side of the clearing. Rowan re-emerges, carrying three freshly slain rabbits. The site makes me shiver and I turn away as the pair skins them for the fire. I recognize the irony of being appalled by the death of a rabbit on the same day that I threatened the life of the fire king. I feel like I'm living a double life. One in which I am the strong and fearsome queen that the fae realm needs me to be and the other in which I am broken.

  You are not broken. You are healing.

  I lift my eyes, and Rowan is there, kneeling in front of me. When I look around Orin is nowhere to be seen, and I suspect he had made himself scarce to give me time to admit my feelings. I grasp Rowan's face between my hands, and sigh when our spirit energy mingles together, curling around one another.

  “I love you, and I'm scared. I'm so scared,” I say, tears filling my eyes.

  He moves closer to caress my cheeks as well, running both thumbs along the plains of my face. “I love you, Tiana. I have loved you from before you were born, through to the present, and into the bright future.”

  We embrace, holding each other closer and more intimately than we ever have before. Our many souls twine together, some playful and some shy. Each of them having a distinct connection within the other. For that reason alone, it makes sense that we were destined to be mates. Rowan is the only person in existence that can satisfy all five of my elemental souls.

  “You are the sun,” I whisper.

  “And you are my Earth.”

  ***

  We ride closely together for the last leg of the trip in the morning. Orin leads the way onto the path that follows the academy. The other masters wait up ahead as we emerge from the trees, and Lucien's eyes stick to me, gluing me in place. But his smoldering gaze doesn't feel the same as it did before. Rowan's hand on the small of my back sends more feeling through me than Lucien's longing look. And while I still feel the guilt of what I'll have to admit to him, it no longer leaves a pit of despair in the bottom of my stomach.

  He deserves better than half-promises and strings of lies that I tell myself. He deserves his mate that he had lost hundreds of years ago to a war he never believed in. His expression is closed off as we move closer, as mine must seem. The other masters don't seem to notice as t
hey help Orin and Rowan take their horses to the stable along with mine.

  Rowan allows me to stay behind with Lucien, knowing what I endeavor to tell him. Is it too much to ask for a few more days? A few more hours? Mere minutes? This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and will ever do for the rest of it. He steps closer to me, his hands shoved in his pockets as they usually are. The casualness and familiarity of it breaks my heart. We simply look at each other then, taking in the view of what he must know is the last time we can avoid this conversation. He brings one hand out to caress the side of my face, an unreadable expression on his features.

  “You chose him,” he says.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He turns his head to the side so I can't see his expression. “Are you happy? Does he give you what I can't?”

  I swallow. “No, he gives me more. He told me that there is not one choice between something that's right for me and something that's wrong. It is a choice of who can nurture me for the rest of my life in the way that I need it. And I don't want you to think that you can only have one great love; the next one just isn’t me.”

  “I want to hate you for this—” He looks at me and his eyes are darker than I've ever seen them. “—but I can't. I love you too much. I'm happy for you, but I can't support you, at least not right now.”

  “I understand. It hurts, but I understand.”

  His hand is still upon my cheek, and as he places his lips over mine one final time, a sob escapes me. Just because I'm in the one that ended, this doesn't mean that it's easy for me.

  “Goodbye for now, Tiana.”

  Lucien steps away from me and turns to leave, walking slowly toward the edge of the great wood. Tears run silently down my face and I allow myself to grieve, if only for a moment. Rowan and I aren't officially mated. He had told me that there's a ceremony between the two of us that has to occur before anything is set in stone. That, in most cases, there are levels to mating another person.

  That's what was unique about mine and Lucien’s connection: our desire was so strong that we would have made it without consent to each other. But I have to be honest with myself. I think that it may have been our spirit compatibility, the strong potential for having perfect little spirit fae babies. That thought alone leaves a slight string of sadness in my heart, for what will never be. And while I know I have no right to feel this way, not when I left him alone and heartbroken, I can't seem to stop.

  I'm still staring in the direction that Lucien disappeared to when Rowan comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I run my hands down to his palms and traced the lines there, even while still thinking about what just occurred. If there's anything black-and-white around here, it's not my feelings for these masters.

  “Are you all right?”

  “No,” I murmur, still tracing his fingers as if trying to convince myself that he's real and this wasn't a mistake.

  “It wasn't a mistake,” he replies with conviction.

  “No, I'm sorry. This isn't fair to anyone. I feel like I keep screwing everything up.” I bite my lip.

  “You're allowed to screw things up, you're young.”

  I shove him back, needing space. “Don't tell me that I'm young anymore. Just because I am hundreds of years younger than you guys doesn't mean that I deserve to hurt everyone around me. Doing that left me raw, and I'm sure I ripped out half his chest. Plus, I'm sure you're not happy either, so we've come full circle of all the people I've hurt today. I wonder if anyone else will line up.”

  Halfway through my rant, he had risen his eyebrows almost to his hairline in shock. He doesn't say anything when I spin around and stalk back toward the dorms before thinking better of it. Lucien might be there, and I'm sure he wants space from me of all people. So, I set off toward the vampire dorms in search of Beth, the only semi-normal person I know in this world of crazy supernatural beings. Rowan trails behind me, and I don't yell at him to stay behind. I know in about fifteen minutes or so I will calm down and stop blaming him for everything that's happening. He's probably thinking the same thing.

  Despite going to see Beth, I almost wish that Octavius were here. Him and I have such an easy bantering relationship that I don't have with anyone else. Octavius had been the one to tell me to man up in the first place, to become the woman that everyone expects me to be, not just pretend that I'm her. That was the single most important piece of advice I received since coming to the fae realm, and I'm grateful. I need a mirror to tell me exactly what I need to do next and exactly how to force myself to do it.

  “You know, I can do that too,” Rowan comments.

  I glance back at him while throwing open the double doors of the vampire dorm. Students in various shades of black wearing heavy eyeliner and silver chains give me varying looks of disgust. The only time anyone looks to be in a good mood is when the girls glance past me to see Rowan stalking behind. I guess it doesn't matter what species you are, Rowan is irresistible to everyone.

  “Beth?” I call up the stairs while stomping my way up.

  She pokes her head around the corner, and there are other girls with her. Again, they're all in varying shades of deep violet and black. I never knew that the one thing that's true about all the vampire movies and books in the human world is that they love the color black. The thought almost makes me crack a smile, that is, until I remember what just happened and I break down, gripping the front of her uniform.

  “Can we go to your dorm?” I plead.

  She glances from my distraught face, and back to Rowan. “Yeah, yeah of course. Let's go.”

  She waves goodbye to her friends, who have no expression on their face other than distaste. I scowl at them. Her dorm is on the third floor and she opens the door without hesitation, allowing me to go inside first.

  Wait outside, I tell Rowan before he can move into the room with us.

  He does as he's told and shuts the door to lean firmly against on the other side, making a clear statement that he isn't going anywhere in the event that I need him. Beth sits me down on the sofa before rushing to the kitchen to put on some tea. Her eyes dart between my tear-stained face and her task over and over again, and I can tell exactly what she wants to ask. I did come here for her comfort. How is she supposed to help me if I don't say anything?

  “I broke up with Lucien,” I say, my voice completely devoid of emotion.

  Her eyes go wide before darting toward the door again, a look of confusion on her face. I don't blame her for not knowing what in the hell is going on. I don't even know. Why is Rowan following me around to comfort me after I had broken up with my second boyfriend? If you can even call them that.

  “I need you to not judge me right now.”

  She holds up both hands. “Hey, there is no judgment here. I just wanna know how best to help you feel better. Are you sure that the man pining for you outside that door wouldn't be a better choice?”

  “I can't let him hold me when I sob about another man. That's just wrong.”

  “You've got a point about that,” she says, rubbing the back of her neck.

  She repairs chai for the both of us and hands me my cup. My eyes track the steam as it fills the space above the porcelain. Anything to distract me from what I'm feeling right now. A gut-wrenching sadness, coupled with a mountain of guilt about the man standing outside waiting for me. A man who will love me despite this, who will cherish me despite this.

  “Gods, I don't deserve either of them.”

  Beth grips my arm, forcing me to look at her. “They have their share of flaws too, Tiana. This is hard on everyone involved, and while it revolves around you, it's not your fault. Sure, you may have made a mistake by waiting so long to choose, but at the same time, it was your right to take your time. They might be hundreds of years old and have been waiting for this for decades, but you haven't. And they realize that, and I bet Lucien did too. What did he say?”

  “He said he's happy for me, but that I can't see me rig
ht now.”

  “See?” she says while rubbing my back. “He does understand.”

  I lean forward, setting my cup down without taking a sip. “That's just what people say.”

  “So what? If you're phrasing it that you broke up with Lucien, think of it as any other break up. Even one with love because there was a certain level of love between you and Lucien that can't be denied. People break up even when they're meant for each other. You will be upset, and so will he.”

  “Rowan is a saint for putting up with this,” I mumble.

  She laughs. “Yes, he is. But you wanna know what?”

  “What?” I respond miserly.

  “That's what people do for love.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next morning, I wake up wrapped in Rowan's arms. When we got back to the dorm last night, no one was here, and Lucien's room was cleared out. The bed was made, something that I've never seen since moving in. The sight made my stomach drop again just as I had started to feel better since leaving Beth's dorm. But I had let it go, in favor of letting myself enjoy Rowan's company for the rest of the night.

  We did nothing but hold each other, silent yet beautiful. It was something that I absolutely needed, and I'm not surprised that he knew exactly what to do to help me. Beth was right in the first place. I should have sought comfort with Rowan even though it would have been hard for both of us. It was still the right thing to do. I feel better this morning, even though a sense of sadness still lurks underneath my skin.

  Rowan turns in his sleep, muttering something incomprehensible. I slip out from his arms and sit on the edge of the bed, looking down at him. Now that I've made my choice, no matter how hard it has been, this is the face that I'll be waking up to. This is the man that I have chosen to become my lifelong mate, however long that may be. It still hasn't sunk in yet and I think it won't until we go through the official mating ceremony after the storm has calmed.

  I smooth his long, ebony hair away from his eyes, running my fingertips down the side of his face. Is he truly all mine? And am I his? The thought almost makes me feel numb with joy. Choosing Rowan was only the first step in a long list of things I need to do to feel comfortable enough to accept my fated mate. Happiness is not mine to claim until it is everyone's to claim.