Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  “Elena, look—”

  “No, Julia, you look,” Elena says, almost too forceful, but clearly, it’s something she needs to get off her chest. “I know I seem like a real bitch on the outside, but I honestly hate hurting people. And Penn? I just…I don’t know what to do.”

  Julia reaches up and pulls her sunglasses from her face, folds them, and slides one arm in the neck of her tank top. She squints a little at Elena, but then as her eyes adjust, she looks at her fully. “I need you to understand something here.” Julia’s voice is shaking the tiniest of bits. “I have absolutely no say here in how you handle anything. So, whatever you want to do with Penn is entirely up to you. It really is. If you’re not done with her, that’s your business. Not mine. Or anyone else’s in this town.” She watches as Elena looks away from her, focuses on the ground, and hugs herself a little tighter. “But just know, I will never treat Penn with any kindness. Ever.”

  “I don’t expect you to be nice to her,” Elena says softly, loosening her arms before letting them hang at her sides. “There’s just so much history there.”

  “Elena, you don’t have to explain it to me. I may shy away from talking about feelings, but I totally understand having them.” Julia forces herself to smile. “Just promise me one thing?”

  “What?” Elena asks as she looks at Julia and tilts her head.

  “Please, do not ask me to let her stay in my cabin with me. I fear I would murder her in her sleep.”

  “Oh, Julia, after seeing how you handled her today, I am fairly confident that the feeling is mutual, dear.” Elena lets out a laugh in unison with Julia just as Cole comes running up to the Jeep. He’s holding a plastic bag full of Blu-rays in one hand and a king-sized bag of Peanut M&M’s in the other. “Well, well, well, it’s about time.”

  “Sorry, Mom, there were like, at least fifteen movies I wanted to get,” Cole says before he throws a couple more M&M’s in his mouth. “And I got five movies because some aren’t due for a week. But yeah, and also, there isn’t any change.” The last part of his sentence is mumbled around the remnants of candy.

  Julia starts to laugh when Elena lets out a gasp. “You spent that entire twenty dollars on movies and candy?”

  Cole shrugs, looks at Julia, then back at Elena before saying, “You didn’t say I couldn’t.”

  “He does have a very valid point.”

  “Would you like to walk back, Miss Finch?”

  “Miss Finch? Oh, no! The last name! You’re back on her shit list!”

  “Cole!” Elena shouts as they all climb into the Jeep. “How many times do I need to tell you not to curse?”

  Julia lets out a snort as she says from the back seat, “Now who’s on her shit list, hmm?”

  And Cole descends into giggles. And really, so does Elena.

  * * *

  Julia spends the rest of the day mucking stalls and trying to find a balance between obsessing about how Elena’s lips look and how they might feel and figuring out how to handle these feelings without constantly wondering what Elena is thinking. A part of her is already annoyed at this whole thing because if this is how it’s going to be having feelings for someone else, with the obsessing and the freaking out over every little thing, then fucking never mind!

  “Julia?”

  She swings herself around, the sound of her name frightening her, and grips her heart while gasping. She sees Caroline standing there holding a large water bottle. Her short black hair is swept over her forehead to the side. “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “I’m sorry,” Caroline says. “I just wanted to bring you this.” She offers the water bottle, the ice inside rattling against the sides of the plastic. “And I wanted to ask you a question.”

  “Ugh, why?” Julia asks after propping up the pitchfork. She’s had a number of conversations with Caroline, but they’re typically while everyone else is present. So, this seems weird right away. Julia takes the bottle from Caroline and takes a very long drink from it. She stops, water spills down her chin, and she slides her forearm across her lips. “I am so sick of questions.”

  Caroline laughs and crosses her arms. “You realize this question might not be about you, right?”

  “Touché.”

  “Is Elena okay?”

  Julia’s eyes go wide. She leans against the wood frame of the stall and clears her throat. “Why would I know if she’s okay or not? You talk to her a hell of a lot more than I do.”

  “Not lately,” Caroline says. Her voice is laced with something. Is it irritation? Is it jealousy? Is it nothing at all, and the heat is just getting to Julia’s senses? She can’t be sure.

  “Well, why don’t you ask her?”

  “Why can’t you just tell me?” The huff that follows Caroline’s question sounds like the start of a temper tantrum. Julia fights the laughter that is bubbling within her. Seeing Caroline like this is so comical.

  “Because,” Julia says. “I know how people love to gossip. And I’m not one for it. So, I think you should ask her.”

  Caroline lets out a deep breath. “I know,” she says quietly. “I just…I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want Penn here. And neither should she.”

  “This is about Penn?”

  “Yes!” Caroline says. “She really hurt Elena, and I do not trust that woman. And she just breezes in here with her long hair and her beautiful eyes and that really nice personality that wins people over. She just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like she’s up to something. I have a sixth sense about things like this. Normally, I’m right.”

  “Well, I don’t like her, either, my friend.”

  “As much as I love hearing that you don’t like Penn, because the more the merrier, can I ask why? Because you barely know Elena. How do you even know what happened? If you’re so against gossip and don’t want to talk about anything ever. How do you even know?”

  It’s obvious to Julia now that Caroline’s words aren’t just laced with something. They’re dripping with irritation! “Look, Caroline, I don’t really like to talk about myself—”

  “Ever.”

  “Yeah, ever.”

  “Well, why?”

  Julia pushes off from the side of the stall and starts to walk away. “I just don’t.” She sighs, hearing Caroline’s footsteps quick behind her.

  “Is there a reason?”

  “I thought you came in here to talk to me about Penn?” Julia asks as they continue to walk.

  “I did,” Caroline says. “But I hate talking about that woman. She just makes me angry.”

  “Me too,” Julia mumbles, smiling at Caroline. “One thing we definitely agree on.”

  “I bet we agree that Elena isn’t thinking clearly right now.”

  Julia pauses when they approach the fence to the pasture. She steps onto the bottom rung, places her arms through the open area of the fence, and leans into it. “Yeah.” She’s watching three of the horses grazing and Sully and Scout chasing after each other. Leia is watching Julia and Caroline, though, her eyes never leaving Julia.

  “What do we do?”

  “You’ve known Elena far longer than I have.” Julia looks over at Caroline and smiles. “What do you think we should do?”

  “Kill Penn.”

  The answer comes out of Caroline’s mouth so fast and without any emotion that for a split second, Julia thinks she’s completely serious. It’s only when the corners of Caroline’s mouth start turning upward that Julia realizes it was a joke. “Jesus.” Julia shakes her head and stares forward again.

  “I don’t know what to do.” Caroline mimics Julia’s position against the fence and props her chin against her bicep. “Are you coming to the movie night tonight?”

  “Nope.”

  “Why not?”

  “Wasn’t invited,” Julia replies.

  “Elena said she was going to ask you.”

  “She didn’t mention it to me.”

  Caroline sighs and looks back at the horses. “Y
our horse is really taking to the others. She’s so calm.”

  Julia feels herself start to smile, barely able to hold it back. “Yeah, she’s pretty awesome.”

  “You know she doesn’t just give anyone a horse.” Caroline takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before saying, “Penn never got a horse. She rode Sully for all of her ranch hand duties.”

  Julia stays silent, not really knowing how to take that information. She continues to watch the horses, paying special attention to Leia, who is slowly making her way over. What is Caroline saying without actually saying it? It’s clear she’s pussyfooting around something…but what is it?

  “Of course, Elena seems to really like you.”

  “Okay, Caroline. What the hell are you getting at?”

  Caroline smiles, shrugs, then turns to leave. “See you later, Julia.”

  “Not fair!” she shouts after Caroline as she walks away. Julia shakes her head before she glances back at the pasture. Leia has grazed her way to the fence and is now nuzzling Julia’s hand. Julia climbs over the fence and lands on the other side, a couple of feet from Leia, who doesn’t get spooked like the other horses do sometimes. Leia moves closer, nudges Julia with her nose, and breathes out when Julia finally starts petting her head. “Did you hear all of that, Leia?” Julia asks softly, next to the horse’s head. “Caroline thinks Elena has a thing for me because she gave you to me. What do you think about that?”

  The horse lets out a ragged breath and then perks her ears and stomps her front foot a few times while looking toward the house. The back door of the house opens abruptly, slams, and Penn comes barreling down the steps. Julia observes with curiosity as Penn approaches the old Ford truck. Elijah is underneath it, changing the oil, when Penn lets out a very loud and very gruff, “She’s letting me help as long as possible, but I have to stay in the barn!” Julia can’t hear Elijah’s response, but Penn takes her cowboy hat off and throws it into the dirt. “Well, she’s being ridiculous,” she shouts. “I apologized. What more can I do?” Elijah’s response must be something she’s not happy about because Penn kicks her hat, and it goes flying. “I’m not leaving. I’m going to fix this.” And she takes off toward the barn, cursing the entire way.

  “Great,” Julia mumbles. Just what she needs. “Competition.”

  * * *

  Julia swings Leia’s stall door closed. All of the horses are happily munching away on dinner in their clean stalls. Julia felt like she was never going to get done with her chores, and now she’s beat. She cannot wait to take a shower, pull on her sweatpants, and prop her feet up. Hell, just thinking about it is making her anxious for the relaxation.

  When Julia exits the barn, Elena is standing on the walkway to the cabin with a smile on her face. The mid-afternoon light is amazing, but the clouds are rolling in, and it smells like rain is on the way. “Hey there,” Julia says with a soft voice when she approaches Elena. “What brings you ’round these parts?”

  Elena folds her arms across her chest and looks at the ground. “Just passing through.” Her tone is playful, and Julia feels it in her stomach.

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” Elena says right before her eyes meet Julia’s.

  Julia watches as Elena reaches up and tucks some stray hairs that have pulled from Julia’s ponytail behind her ear. The gesture is so tender and familiar and all Julia can do is swallow.

  Elena brushes her fingertips across Julia’s sunburnt cheeks. “Are you coming for movie night?”

  Julia can’t fight the rush of emotion that fills her heart. She nods. She feels light-headed looking at Elena. “Elena?”

  “Hmm?”

  “There’s something I want to ask you.”

  “Ask me. Ask me anything.”

  Julia smiles. “Did you really not get Penn a horse?”

  The laughter that spills from Elena’s mouth is intoxicating, and Julia cannot help but drink it up. She chuckles along with Elena, the two of them sharing a moment that a while ago, Julia never thought would happen. “Miss Finch, you are too much.”

  “Aw, man. Too much? That makes me sad.” Julia lets out a defeated sigh. She’s joking, of course, but she’s laying it on thick.

  Elena licks her lips, then purses them together before saying, “Actually, you’re just right. And I don’t know how to handle it anymore.”

  The admission takes Julia by surprise, especially considering her and Elena’s conversation earlier about Penn and history and Elena’s obvious internal struggle. She isn’t sure what to say in response. She knows what she wants to do, of course, and that’s slide her hands through Elena’s hair and pull her into a deep kiss.

  “So, go clean up.” Elena’s voice interrupts Julia’s thoughts. “Movie night starts at seven.” Elena brushes Julia’s arm as she passes and walks toward the house. Julia, still breathless, looks behind her and watches her walk away.

  * * *

  Cole seems practically giddy when he answers the door and sees Julia standing there. “You came!” he shouts as he grabs Julia’s hand and pulls her inside. “Mom said she invited you, but I wasn’t sure if you’d come!”

  Julia gets tugged through the grand entryway into the kitchen, the smell of freshly popped popcorn surrounding her. Elena is standing near the stove on the other side of a large island complete with a white farmhouse sink. She’s pouring popcorn into a giant bowl, and the sight makes Julia’s knees weak. “Well, hello there,” Elena says, glancing up at Julia, then back down at the bowl.

  “Do you need help with anything?” Julia asks as she walks around the island toward the stove.

  “I’m glad you came.”

  “So am I,” Julia says, noticing the twinkle in Elena’s eyes when their eyes meet.

  “How was your shower?”

  The question doesn’t sound intimate. But dammit, Elena’s voice is soft like velvet, and she’s looking at Julia with this intense stare that sure as hell makes it feel intimate. “It was amazing,” Julia says. Does she sound as breathless as she feels?

  Elena reaches around Julia and grabs a stick of butter from the cement countertop on the other side of the stove. “You smell nice,” Elena says quietly. “Is that lavender?”

  Julia nods. She needs to pull herself together, or she’s going to melt into a giant puddle on the slate-tiled floor.

  Elena looks at Julia. “Promise me you’ll start putting sunscreen on your face.” She reaches and runs her fingertips across Julia’s cheeks again. And it causes the same feeling in the pit of Julia’s stomach.

  “I promise,” Julia whispers.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m more than okay.”

  “You sure?”

  “Elena,” Julia says. “You’re making me feel so many things…”

  “Isn’t that good?”

  “It’s incredible.”

  “Then I won’t stop,” Elena says.

  “Please don’t,” Julia says. “I don’t want you to stop.”

  Elena starts to lean forward, her face within inches of Julia’s.

  “Mom!” Cole shouts from the living room, and the pair jerk away from each other. “What’s taking so long?”

  Elena shakes her head while clutching her chest. “It’s almost ready, Cole. My goodness.”

  Julia chuckles softly after she dislodges her heart from her throat. “Okay,” she says through her laughter. “What do you want me to do to help?” She can feel Elena’s gaze as it rakes over her body from her head to her toes, and it is too much. Too, too, too much.

  “You can melt this butter.”

  Julia is immediately filled with regret. She honestly hoped for something that had nothing to do with cooking. Like, wash the pan or get everyone a drink or maybe get herself a shot or two of vodka. Anything but cooking when she can’t focus.

  Elena must sense her trepidation, though, because she slides a glass measuring cup toward Julia and smiles. “Don’t worry. Just microwave it for ten seconds. Stir. Then do
it again.”

  A nervous laugh bubbles out of Julia, and she shakes her head. “You’d think I could handle melting butter.”

  “You can.” Elena’s words are soothing, which is pretty comical considering they’re only talking about butter. It’s when Elena finishes with, “I think you can handle more than you realize,” that Julia’s hands start to ache.

  She looks over at Elena, at her hair, her profile. She doesn’t glance up, doesn’t flinch, really doesn’t even look like she said a word except for the tiny pull on the corner of her mouth.

  “What are you two doing in here?” comes Elijah’s voice from behind them. Of course, it sounds like he knows exactly what they were doing.

  “Butter,” Julia shouts and points at the microwave.

  “Oh, really? Just butter?” Elijah laughs, shakes his head, then leans against the counter. “City Girl, I meant to tell you earlier. Your car is done.”

  Julia hears Elijah, but she can’t move. She’s instantly filled with fear. For the first time since being on the ranch, she legitimately doesn’t want to leave. And now she may have to. How does she find the courage to ask if she can stay? Oh man, she did not want to have to think about this right now. She plasters on a fake smile like she’s had to do for most of her life as she looks over her shoulder at Elijah. “Oh, okay, that’s good.”

  “Don’t worry.” Elijah’s heavy hand lands on Julia’s back with a thud. “You haven’t paid me off yet, so you’re not going anywhere.”

  “Oh, thank God,” Julia says with an air of sarcasm. She looks back at Elijah. “Here I thought I could finally escape manure and dirt.”

  “Yeah, once you get that in your veins, you never get rid of it, so don’t even try.” Elijah turns back to the family room. “Can you please hurry up so we can start this movie?”

  Caroline’s annoyingly sweet, “Yeah, come on you two!” shout from the other room makes Elena roll her eyes.