Revenge of the Spaghetti Hoops

by Mark Lowery

  I slapped my hand over my face. Only Darren Gamble could chuck a couple of babies on to the hard ground so that he could steal a bicycle. ‘I’m not going anywhere in that thing.’

  ‘How else are you gonna get there? Prom’s already started, innit.’

  Huffing my cheeks, I stepped towards the trailer and pulled back the Velcro flap. And oh my word. ‘Not a chance!’

  There were two tiny seats inside the trailer. Both of them were already taken. One was filled by the sheep that Gamble had kidnapped the other day. The other one was taken up by Gamble’s dog Scratchy.

  I mentioned Scratchy before. Basically, Scratchy is one of the most disgusting creatures in the universe. It is made up of: 60 per cent bones, 10 per cent mangy fur, 10 per cent worms and fleas, and 20 per cent terrible smell.

  ‘Why on earth have you brought Scratchy and a sheep?’ I asked.

  ‘The sheep’s so I can ruin Trevor’s TV show.’

  ‘And Scratchy?’

  Gamble shrugged. ‘Just cos he’s lovely!’

  Scratchy bent its head forward under its seatbelt and licked its bum.

  Gross. ‘I am definitely not g–’

  Before I could finish, Gamble shoved me in the back and I stumbled head first into the little trailer. He fastened the Velcro behind me and I was closed in, my legs dangling out of the side. It was horrible in there – tight and hot and stinky and claustrophobic. The space was so tiny that my face was centimetres from Scratchy’s mouth. Its rotten breath was making me feel faint. Further down my body, the sheep was trying to eat my T-shirt.

  ‘Hold on tight and enjoy the ride!’ cried Gamble, struggling to pedal the bike. My legs dragged painfully along the tarmac.

  Scratchy farted cheerfully.

  Unpleasant Journey

  The ride to school was the most unpleasant journey I’ve ever been on. It was even worse than the time I sat next to Kevin Vomasaurus Retch Harrison on the Spinning Twister of Terror at the funfair last year.

  At first, Gamble struggled to get the enormous bike to move. We went about three metres in ten minutes. But things got much worse when he had the bright idea of holding on to the backs of cars and lorries, so they’d pull us along the road behind them.

  WARNING: This is just about the stupidest and most dangerous thing you could ever do, and unless you enjoy being crushed to a painful death beneath the wheels of heavy vehicles, I’d suggest you don’t try it yourself.

  Of course, Gamble thought it was brilliant. He called it car-surfing. I called it stupid. The whole time, I could hear him in front shrieking: ‘This is well good! We’re all gonna die! Ha ha ha ha!’

  I’m actually not quite sure how we did manage to survive. We were rocketing along the road at forty miles an hour, the trailer bouncing and swinging around all over the place. Several times we grazed against the wheels of a lorry or bumped into the side of a car.

  In fact, the only way I could keep my legs from being torn off was to fold my body in half the wrong way, so my heels were high above the trailer and somewhere near the back of my head. Unfortunately, this position meant I had to bury my face way closer to Scratchy’s bottom than was strictly healthy. And every time we went over a bump in the road, the disgusting mutt would let out a little parp right into my eyes.

  It was horrible.

  After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived at school. I was so relieved to still be alive that I scrambled out and kissed the tarmac.

  ‘No time to snog the floor! Work to do!’ Gamble said, dragging me to my feet and pulling me across the playground.

  Undesirables

  The front of the school had been transformed. There was a long red carpet with potted plants either side of it leading to the main entrance, which now had a thick velvet curtain across it. A group of girls with ‘WE LOVE YOU JASON’ signs and flags were showing each other photos on their phones of when he’d walked past them.

  Gamble and I strode on.

  ‘Oh, look! Are those two famous people as well?’ asked one of the girls.

  ‘Nah,’ replied her friend, ‘just a couple of freaky-looking nobodies.’

  Charming. Maybe they were friends of Rosie’s.

  We ran straight past them and up to the velvet curtain, when out stepped the biggest man I’ve ever seen. Seriously – he was the size of a bus, with muscles bulging out everywhere. He was standing behind a red rope that went from one side of the door to the other. As we went to lift the rope, he moved towards us.

  ‘Who are you, you great big mutant?’ asked Gamble. He’s not afraid of anyone.

  ‘Security,’ grunted the great big mutant. He was wearing sunglasses and he didn’t even look at us as he spoke. ‘Keeping out undesirables.’

  ‘What’s undesirables?’ asked Gamble.

  Still not looking at us, the mutant pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolded it and held it up in front of our faces.

  On it was printed the words: ‘UNDESIRABLES! DO NOT LET THEM IN!’ Underneath the writing were pictures of me and Gamble.

  ‘Now hoppit!’ said the mutant.

  With a deafening battle cry, Gamble tried to charge past, but the mutant stepped in front of him. Gamble bounced off him like a pea being flicked against a wall.

  Peeling himself off the floor, Gamble waved his fist at the mutant. ‘I could smash your brains out but I ain’t got time.’

  The mutant stared straight ahead.

  Gamble lowered his voice to me and led me away. ‘I’ve got an idea.’

  The Storeroom

  ‘How am I supposed to get up there?’ I asked, looking at the tiny window which was about six feet up the wall. From inside the building we could hear music and laughter.

  ‘Easy,’ said Gamble. He propped his bike against the wall. ‘You can stand on my head. I’ve got a proper strong skull, me.’

  He demonstrated this by picking up a loose brick and smashing it into tiny fragments on his forehead.

  I tried to ignore this. ‘And you’re sure I’ll be able to open it?’

  ‘Course. I loosened the lock last year, so I can sneak in and out of school whenever I want.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  ‘Sometimes I come in at the weekend just to use the toilets and photocopy my bum.’

  ‘Good grief,’ I said. ‘Right. Where does it lead to?’

  ‘The PE store off the side of the hall,’ he said. ‘It’s perfect, innit. We’ll be able to sneak right into the prom without anyone seeing.’

  I have to say this was pretty good thinking. ‘So what’s the plan when we get in there?’

  ‘Nyah. We’ll figure it out.’

  ‘What do you m—’ I began, but he’d already hoisted my foot so I had no choice but to scramble towards the window.

  With a lot of heaving, clambering, shoving and slithering, I finally managed to squeeze through the window into the dark storeroom. Unfortunately, I hadn’t really planned what I was going to do when I got through it. I grasped around frantically for something to grab hold of, but then Gamble gave my feet one last shove from below and I plunged head first to the ground with an agonising bump.

  After about five seconds, I realised I wasn’t actually dead, and I painfully stood up, banging my shoulder against a gymnastics bench. The little storeroom was dark, apart from the glow of disco lights underneath the curtain that leads to the hall. The music sounded much louder in here.

  ‘I’m in,’ I whispered up through the window. ‘How are you going to get up?’

  There was a long pause from outside. ‘Oh. Hadn’t thought of that,’ said Gamble. ‘Normally I bring a ladder, innit.’

  I slapped my hand across my face. What had I been saying about Darren being a genius?

  ‘I’ll go find summat to climb up,’ he said.

  ‘Wait!’ I said. ‘Maybe I can pile up some gym apparatus and pull you up.’

  But Darren didn’t answer. He’d already gone.

  I realised that I was alone. Or was I?
A voice suddenly cut through the darkness from behind me.

  ‘Oh-ho!’ it said. ‘Roman Garstang. So glad you could join us.’

  I very slowly turned around. A torch shone directly into my eyes.

  Rule Nine

  ‘How did you know I was here?’ I said, holding up my hands to block the dazzling light.

  ‘I told everyone to look out for you,’ replied Trevor calmly from behind the torch. ‘That sicky kid Kevin went outside to puke just now. Said he’d seen you climbing through the window.’

  Thanks a bunch, Vomasaurus Retch.

  ‘Come to watch Jason kissing your little friend?’ asked Trevor. His voice was cruel and mocking.

  I gulped. He was blocking the exit, so there was no way out.

  ‘Course you have,’ he continued. ‘Glad you’re here to watch it. It’s gonna make great TV. And, best of all, it’s going to make YOU very, very upset indeed.’

  ‘Eh?’ I said. That wasn’t very nice. ‘Why would you want me to be upset?’

  ‘You know who I am, don’t you?’

  Weird question. ‘Trevor?’ I offered.

  He tutted. ‘I’m Jason’s manager. It’s my job to make him rich and famous. And if he gets rich, he gives me half, then I become rich too.’

  ‘I still don’t get it.’

  ‘You really are dumb, aren’t you? When you showed your bum on TV, everyone voted for that sheep. You cost Jason the BRT final. And that cost me a lot of money. Do you know how much cash that juggling sheep made last year? Three million quid. Three million! What a waste! What can a sheep spend money on, eh? Gold-plated grass? That should’ve been Jason. Then I would’ve had half. This TV show is my chance to put Jason where he deserves to be. And to fill my pockets with lovely money. And if I can get back at you for what you did, then so much the better.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  Trevor was shining the torch underneath his chin now. It made his face look creepy and demonic. ‘Jason blamed the sheep. He wanted to forgive you,’ he said, ranting like a maniac now. ‘But I kept telling him how evil you are. Kept him as angry with you as I could. Told him how you’d stolen money off us with your spotty little butt cheeks.’

  I gulped. ‘But …’

  ‘Jason’s too soft of course. That’s his problem,’ sneered Trevor. I got the impression that Trevor wasn’t talking to me any more. He was just speaking out loud. ‘He believes in love and friendship and people’s feelings.’

  He said these things like they were disgusting swear words.

  ‘He didn’t even want to take Vanya to the prom,’ he went on. ‘Said they were just good friends. Didn’t want to upset her by kissing her. He loves that Rosie girl, see, but I said, you can’t have that one. The people watching at home won’t like her. Take the other one – the nice one. The whole country will love it when you snog her onstage. And if you can turn her against that little rat, Roman, then so much the better. It’s worked perfectly so far.’

  I remembered that conversation I’d overheard Trevor and Jason having earlier in the week.

  ‘But you’re using people,’ I said.

  ‘Great, isn’t it!’ he said. ‘Rule nine of a great TV show: know everything about everyone, then use it. Like your little mate. As soon as I saw he needed a good report off that Mr Gibbons, I knew I could get him to help me this afternoon.’

  ‘That’s horrible,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, it was, wasn’t it,’ he replied proudly. ‘But not as horrible as this is going to be for you.’

  He pulled out his phone. The screen glowed in the darkness.

  ‘Yep. Ready to roll,’ he said into it, then hung up. ‘Watch through the curtain, Roman. You’re going to love this.’

  He pushed me to the edge of the curtain, then stood behind me, firmly holding me in place by both of my shoulders. The walls of the hall were covered in long billowing sheets so it resembled a giant tent. There was a DJ in the corner and disco lights spinning round everywhere. The curtain was right alongside a stage. In the middle of it stood the glitter cannon that they’d used at the launch of Spaghetti Grooves.

  The dance-floor was pretty much empty in the middle. The boys were mainly standing against one wall, the girls against the other. They were all looking towards the centre of the room.

  Because of Trevor’s hand on my shoulder, I couldn’t move. But even if I’d wanted to, I was frozen to the spot.

  Everybody was watching Jason and Vanya, who were dancing together. They were holding hands, and now he was spinning her around and now he was backflipping and now she was body-popping and, worst of all, they were both smiling.

  It was awful.

  But things got worse.

  The lights came on and Rosie Taylor strutted on to the stage and stood next to the glitter cannon. She was wearing a long white dress with a train that dragged for miles along the floor behind her. In one hand she held a sparkly gold envelope. In the other, she had a microphone.

  ‘Good evening, fans,’ she beamed. ‘And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for – we’re going to announce the winners of the couple of the year contest!’

  Everyone started cheering and whooping. The girls and boys reluctantly shuffled together into pairs.

  ‘Why is Rosie so happy?’ I said. ‘I thought she was fuming about Jason not taking her to the prom.’

  ‘Told you. Rule nine,’ said Trevor, ‘know everything about everyone. She’s desperate to be famous and on TV but nobody asked her to the prom. Came to me this afternoon begging to do this job. Even said she’d operate the glitter cannon for us. That miserable teacher wouldn’t do it, see.’

  I looked around the room for Mrs McDonald. She was nowhere to be seen. Miss Clegg was in the corner talking at Mr Gibbons. He must’ve come here to see Gamble.

  ‘And so,’ grinned Rosie, onstage, ‘let’s find out who the winners are …’

  The camerawoman edged on to the stage. Rosie slowly opened the envelope.

  I frowned. Something about this whole thing didn’t make sense. I mean, Trevor said that he knew everything about Rosie, but this was not like her at all. If she’s angry with someone, she always gets revenge, no matter what they’ve done. One time, I accidentally lost the lid of her gel pen. To get me back, she paid a professional graffiti artist to draw a ten-metre-tall picture of me in the nude on a wall opposite the school.

  There was no way in a million years that she’d let Jason go to the prom with Vanya without doing something to them in return. But what was she planning?

  The Glitter Cannon

  ‘Oh, I am SOOOO pleased for this couple!’ exclaimed Rosie, holding the envelope to her chest. ‘Hashtag: how sweet. The couple of the year are …’

  There was a long drum roll, which seemed to go on for ages. Rosie moved backwards slightly so that she was next to the glitter cannon.

  Then something made me turn around. Maybe it was a noise from the window. I’m not sure. But as I turned, I noticed the light glinting against something next to me.

  I squinted in the darkness. What was that? I had to reach forward to open the curtain slightly further. A little more light sneaked in and oh my word!

  By my feet was a massive pile of empty tins of Spaghetti Grooves. There must’ve been about twenty of them, all dripping with disgusting orange sauce.

  I shot my eyes back towards the stage. And then I noticed Rosie gently easing the barrel of the glitter cannon downwards so it was pointing across the stage. She did it slowly – millimetre by millimetre – so that nobody would’ve noticed unless they were watching carefully.

  ‘Vanya Goyal and JASON GROOVES!’ cried Rosie.

  The crowd went wild. Jason and Vanya made their way to the stage.

  ‘And now for the kiss!’ hissed Trevor into my ear.

  I’d almost forgotten he was there. And in any case, I wasn’t bothered about the kiss any more. Because Vanya and Jason were now onstage. And Rosie was standing right behind the glitter cannon. And I had realised exactly wh
at she was planning to do with it.

  The cannon.

  The tins.

  Rosie must’ve put them there. I even got my dad to buy two hundred tins to sell at his shopping centre.

  Good grief.

  ‘FIVE …’ she called out, and the crowd joined in … ‘FOUR …’

  ‘NOOOOO!’ I screamed.

  I tried to break free but Trevor clamped his hand on my shoulder even more tightly.

  ‘THREE …’

  ‘But you don’t underst–’

  ‘Shut your face and watch it, you little turd. You deserve this. As soon as that cannon goes off, he’s going to give her a peck. And after that, who cares. I’ve got my big ending.’

  ‘TWO …’

  This was terrible.

  But then Gamble’s dog, Scratchy, fell from the sky.

  Seriously. It came tumbling down from above like a big filthy snowflake. And then Gamble’s face was at the window. ‘Get him, boy!’ he cried. He must’ve found something to stand on and shoved Scratchy through from outside.

  ‘What the …’ exclaimed Trevor, as Scratchy charged at him. Then he let out a loud ‘OOOOOFFFFFFF’ as the dog gave him a flying headbutt to the you-know-wheres. His phone skittered off across the floor and clanged against the tins of Spaghetti Grooves.

  Meanwhile, Gamble was huffing and puffing with something outside the window.

  I didn’t have time to worry about that though. Trevor was now lying doubled up on the floor and I was free.

  ‘ONE …’

  During the next second, lots of things happened.

  Rosie reached for the button on the glitter cannon, which was now pointing directly at Vanya and Jason without them realising.

  I leapt on to the stage and charged across it.

  Jason leaned towards Vanya, who didn’t seem to have noticed.

  Rosie put one finger in her ear and pushed down the button.

  There was a loud KABOOM!

  And I dived forward, right in front of the cannon, as twenty tins’ worth of Spaghetti Grooves came blasting out and crashed into my chest, flinging me backwards.