Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “I didn’t think you were the waiting kind,” I joked.

  “I’m not.”

  My eyes snapped to his and I felt sucker-punched. “What?”

  He gave me a soft smile. “I don’t wait, Ads, because I don’t expect anything. You can’t wait for something without expecting it. I’ll be willing and ready if you decide you are. But, if you never are, that’s cool. We can do as little or as much as you’re comfortable with, whether it’s just talking or something totally kinky.” He gave me a wink. “Honesty’s important so I’m going to tell you I want this, but I’m totally okay with just hanging out, no expectations, no obligations. I want you, but I really like just being with you more.”

  “Even if we’re forty and I’m still not ready?”

  He snorted. “Okay. In reality? Probably not, no. But,” he leant towards me, “whatever this is, we’re not likely to be doing it in twenty years.”

  “And, why is that?”

  “Because, you won’t still want to be sneaking kisses with your best friend’s older brother in twenty years,” he said as he snuck a quick kiss.

  I didn’t really want to think about the fact that I was in fact technically sneaking kisses with my best friend’s older brother, even if it had been unintentional. So, I ignored that.

  “Won’t I?”

  He shook his head, our noses close. “No. Because someday soon a guy will come along who looks at you in Lex’s old overalls with paint streaked through your hair and he’ll realise you’re just as sexy… Sexier even than those girls who throw their boobs in your face or make sure they have the most skin showing or rub you up before you’ve even opened your mouth to say hi.”

  I wasn’t sure, obviously, but I thought that meant that he thought I was sexy even when I was wearing Ander’s old overalls and I was covered in the remnants of the most recent battle of the tacky-bomb war.

  That make-out session on the beach not clue you in on that?

  “And, I’m going to want him?”

  He nodded and brushed my hair off my face. “Yep. Because this guy won’t just see how sexy you are, but he’ll see your relationship with Lex for what it is. He won’t feel threatened by Lex or worry that there’s more between you. He’ll want you just as you are, with everything that comes with you, and feel lucky that you picked him.”

  “What if I don’t pick him?”

  “Of course you will.”

  “And, why is that?” I asked him with a smile, both of us leaning forward some more.

  “Because he’ll treat you the way you deserve from the moment you meet and love everything about you.”

  “So, how long do I have to wait for this guy?” I asked him with a small smile.

  “Not long.”

  “I thought teenage boys didn’t know what to do with…whatever it is I do?”

  He shook his head with a wry smile as he looked down between us. “I knew that would come back to bite me.”

  “Well, from everything I’ve seen so far, you weren’t wrong.”

  “Maybe he’ll be older?” Topher chuckled, a combination of sympathy and encouragement.

  He looked back up and his laughter became a soft smile as we looked into each other’s eyes. I didn’t think it skipped over either of us that Topher was older…than me, at least.

  “Maybe he will,” I said softly as I leant towards him.

  “Ads,” he breathed. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to…”

  “I know.” I searched his eyes. “I might not be ready to have sex, Topher, but…” I felt myself flush as I realised what I’d been about to say.

  “But, what?” he laughed.

  I bit my lip against a smile and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “There’s something about kissing you that I really like. And, it makes me want to…do other things with you. I’m not ready to do all of them, but… I might like to do some of them…”

  My cheeks felt bright red and I couldn’t believe I’d just said all that out loud to my best friend’s older brother. But, I didn’t regret saying it, I just wasn’t sure how he was going to respond.

  Topher laughed gently and ran his nose along my cheek. “You’re beautiful, Addison,” he whispered. “Everything about you is…” He breathed out harshly.

  The panic from my fight with my mother came back for a second. “What?”

  His fingers trailed along my face and he looked into my eyes. “So much more than even I realised…” he said in wonderment, then he kissed me slow and tender.

  Kissing my best friend’s older brother had been an inadvisable idea in the first place. Doing other things with him was probably not a great idea either. But, I didn’t care at that point. I could stop some other time. It wasn’t like I was addicted to him or the way he made me feel or anything.

  Chapter Twelve

  Oh hell, no!

  “I knew it,” I muttered, my blood boiling.

  “Fuck!” Tate hissed and looked for Ander.

  But, Ander was busy rough-housing with Derek.

  “Addy, don’t.” Tate grabbed my arm. “He doesn’t know.”

  “How could he not?” I said, wrenching my arm out of Tate’s hand and marching over to where Topher looked mighty cosy with Tess.

  What had happened between me and Topher over the weekend wasn’t what bothered me about it. I’d spent the week ignoring Topher as much as possible as it was. We’d spent the night talking and laughing and kissing, and I’d woken up in his arms on Sunday totally freaked out. I’d stolen one of Topher’s t-shirts and it was the first time I’d tried actually sneaking in or out of the Hendersons’.

  When I’d got to my parents’, no one else had been there so I’d showered, got changed, packed up some more clothes – including Topher’s shirt – and gone back to the Hendersons’ as though it was the first time I’d been there all weekend. And, I hadn’t planned to leave for a while even if avoiding Topher was now my primary objective. So, ignoring him was my only option as I figured out what I was going to do with it all.

  He’d seemed to find my renewed ignoring amusing. The humour shining in his eyes like we had a secret didn’t just make me blush, it also told me he wouldn’t say anything before I did. Not that I had any idea what I’d say to him or what we were doing. Because honestly, I refused to think it through. I refused to think about how much I was in total lust with him and how I constantly wanted to kiss him. So, I was super mature and ignored him.

  But, I couldn’t ignore him while the girl the love of my life was crushing on was mooning all over him. It made it especially bad considering – when I’d finally got over the worry that Ander was going to reciprocate my question when I asked him what he’d done on Saturday night while I was supposed to have been at my parents’ – I'd found out he’d gone out with Tess. No one seemed to know if it was a date or just friends, but given Ander’s hopes and the way she was giggling at Topher… She was in trouble.

  So, I somewhat childishly pulled Topher away from Tess and pushed him into the lockers behind him.

  “Whoa, Addy!” Topher said, smiling. “What’s this?” His eyes shone like we were in on that joke together, but I was adamant about ignoring it. Serious case of denial, anybody?

  I glared at him with more sincerity than I think I ever had, then turned it on Tess. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” I hissed as I pointed at her. “I knew you were just like the rest of them.”

  Tess had the decency to look chastened and Topher chuckled.

  “What are you talking about, Addy?” he asked.

  Since I was in such a good mood, I slapped him before I stormed off.

  “Addy?” I heard Ander call in confusion as Topher yelled, “Addy!” more urgently.

  Then, Tate was yelling at Ander who was yelling back, and I ignored all of them as I stormed out of the building. I’d got half way to the sports sheds when I felt a hand on my arm and I turned to see Topher,
a quizzical look on his face.

  “Ads, what’s going on?”

  I hardened my glare and he actually looked concerned for once in his damned life as he let go of me. Knowing he’d follow me, I kept walking and finally got to the semi-privacy of behind the sheds. Where I turned all my full fury on him.

  “What’s going on is that girl has been getting your little brother’s hopes up for weeks! He’s been crushing on her hard since last year and he finally thought he had a chance with her. But, of course, the little Hendo is just the means to a bigger bell-end!” I shoved him again.

  “And, here I was thinking it was about us,” he said, his eyes still shining.

  “There is no us,” I told him.

  He frowned. “Look, I didn’t know Lex liked her, okay?”

  “That’s not the point! If you weren’t trying to get into every pair of pants in this damned place, then you wouldn’t have taken everyone’s crushes.”

  “Then make an honest man out of me, Addy.”

  All my anger died, and I was incredibly confused. “What?”

  “You heard me. You don’t want me stealing other people’s crushes? Give me a reason not to.”

  “I’m not your keeper, Topher. It’s not my job to make you a decent human being.”

  “I’m not asking for a conscience, Ads. I’m asking for a reason to not look anywhere else.”

  “Here’s a reason, because it’s morally the right thing to do?”

  “Don’t get all slut-shaming on me, Addison. You’ve never cared what anyone gets up to as long as Lex or any of your other skater nerds weren’t hurt. And you’re not the kind to start caring for no reason. The fact you care now makes me think there’s something more to it.”

  “There is nothing more to it than me having to witness yet another time that you let your little brother down, Christopher!”

  “There is, and you know it. What was last Wednesday if not more?”

  “A momentary lapse in sanity.”

  “Saturday?”

  “Relapse.”

  “Addy, come on!” he huffed. “You want to play dumb? Fine. But, next time you get all weird about who you think I’m hooking up with, just remember I gave you the option.”

  “The option for what?”

  “To be that girl.”

  “Oh, yeah. Because it’s my dream to be one of your hookups. You’re a total jackass, you dillweed.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Well, what did you mean, then?”

  “Dammit, Ads. You said yourself I wasn’t any good at this… I’m trying here. I am.”

  “Well, whatever it is you’re trying to do, you’re really bad at it.” I knew Topher almost as well as I knew myself, but I still had no idea what he was talking about.

  He grunted in annoyance. “I’m trying to ask you out!” he hissed.

  I blinked. “Sorry? You what, now?”

  He ran his hand over his face in frustration. “I’m trying to ask you out,” he said more slowly, full of emotion, but quietly like he wasn’t sure if anyone was going to overhear us. “No more inevitable spinsterhood. No more chosen bachelorhood. An us.”

  Okay, I knew that was an attempt at lightening the mood. But… What? “Toph… I–”

  “Oi, jackass!” Ander called, flying around the corner of the shed and spotting us. “What did you do now?”

  I could do nothing but watch, completely stunned to silence by Topher’s words, as Ander strode over and shoved him.

  “What?” Topher snapped at his little brother, seemingly loathe to take his eyes off me.

  “What did you do?” Ander poked him.

  “I didn’t do anything. Addy’s defending your damned honour as usual,” he said, shoving Ander back.

  Ander blinked in confusion. “What?”

  “Your knight is doing what she does best and beating up the bad guy to protect you.”

  “Why do I need defending now?”

  I looked at Topher and willed him not to say anything to Ander, not that I was convinced he’d looked at me long enough to get the message. The last thing Ander needed was to know another crush had just been filling the Topher-sized hole in their lives with the lesser Hendo. Honestly, I admired the fact it hadn’t worn him down yet and he hadn’t given up on love. Though, it had occurred to me that he was only optimistic on the outside to combat my severe pessimism on the subject.

  “Tess March, apparently,” Topher said, being typical Topher.

  “What?” Ander scoffed, like he hoped it was one big joke.

  And, my brain function was back. “Nothing, Ander. It’s fine.”

  I shot another look to Topher and I knew he’d understood me that time.

  “What? You’re going to lie to him? What’s that going to do? Protect his poor wittle feelings?” Topher asked and I knew it was love for his brother that had him saying those things. But, I was pretty sure I knew better what Ander needed in the romance department than his brother who wouldn’t know romance if it kicked him in the balls.

  “Who’s lying to me about what?” Ander asked, obviously confused as he fiddled with the frayed edge of his jumper sleeve.

  “No one’s lying to you–”

  “No. Addy just has a very weird method of protecting you,” Topher finished sarcastically.

  “At least I try! What do you do?”

  “I’m not going to hide the truth from him.”

  I felt my cheeks heat. “And, what if I was wrong?” I snapped.

  “Addison MacGuire suggesting she was wrong?” Topher said sarcastically. “Well, keeping secrets from your best friend is obviously worth the big guns.”

  “What are the two of you talking about?” Ander yelled over the top of our bickering. “Look, you can just tell me if you two are hooking up or whatever. Okay? I mean, I reserve the right to beat you,” he pointed at his brother, “into a pulp and you’re,” he pointed at me, “getting the third degree to convince me you’ve made the right choice. But, it’ll be easier if we do this now.”

  Did I go red again? Because I was pretty sure my mouth went dry, every ounce of fight deserted me and I was about to fall over. I couldn’t look at Ander, thinking he’d see the truth in my eyes. I couldn’t even look at Topher to see his reaction. But, he certainly didn’t say anything.

  It had been bad enough when Ander had asked me if I’d bought him a new t-shirt a couple of days earlier and I’d turned to see him holding Topher’s t-shirt from the weekend. But, even mid-panic, I’d held it together and just nodded. Now, I didn’t think I’d be able to hold it together.

  “Toph?” I heard Ander say. “Ads?”

  I cleared my throat. “I wouldn’t touch your brother with a ten-foot pole and all the Aqium in existence.”

  “Wow. Thanks,” Topher huffed and I spared him a momentary ‘shut up’ look.

  I wasn’t sure if Ander believed me or not. But, he didn’t push the topic. “Okay. So, want to tell me what this is all about, then?”

  I sighed. “I saw Tess and him looking all cosy and may have lost it a little at him.”

  Ander looked between us like he suddenly couldn’t understand English. “What?”

  “I didn’t know you had a thing for her, mate,” Topher said. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have flirted back with her if I had, Lex. You know that, right?”

  Talk about sincere. I had never seen Topher look more sincere than he had at that moment. I told myself it didn’t make me feel anything more for Topher than I usually did.

  Ander’s face fell, but he was trying not to believe it. “She what?”

  “Babe, I’m sorry. But, you know what I–”

  Ander held up a hand and shook his head at me. “Not now, Ads. Yeah?”

  He turned and walked away slowly, dejectedly. I started after him, but Topher stopped me.

  “Ads?”

  I sighed. “What?”

  “Are we goi
ng to talk about this?”

  I looked at him and really wished I hadn’t; his face was open, vulnerable, and something about it gave my heart that kick-start it seemed to think it got from him these days.

  “Talk about what?”

  “Talk about us.”

  “There isn’t an us, Topher.”

  “There could be.”

  There didn’t need to be. There probably shouldn’t be. So, I don’t know why I answered, “We’ll talk later. Okay?” as my heart softened towards him.

  Topher nodded. He looked hesitant to let me leave, but he didn’t try to stop me.

  I ran after my best friend, reminding myself he would be the only boy I ever loved.

  ****

  Every time Topher and I saw each other the rest of the day, the tension between us was thick. I knew he wanted to talk about what he’d said and a part of me really wanted to talk about it as well.

  But, could I actually date Christopher Henderson? Did I want to date him?

  Dating could lead to love, and that was something I wasn’t interested in. So, dating someone so close to me seemed unfair and unwise. But, I liked spending time with him, I liked kissing him, and weirdly I liked the way he made me feel about myself; with him I could be the tomboy but still be the girl (I even almost considered buying a proper dress to try out). Maybe I could find some middle ground, something not too serious.

  “Addy?”

  And, I could no longer avoid him when he was coming up the stairs – obviously only just home – when I came out of the bathroom later that night. Well, it was early Saturday morning at that point and Ander and Aunt Jelly were both asleep.

  “How many girls did you hook up with tonight, then?” I asked, trying to keep the mood light.

  “None,” he answered simply, looking like there was a lot more he wanted to say.

  I nodded. “Okay, then.” I made to head back to Ander’s room, but him speaking stopped me.