Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

He gave me a wry smile and squeezed my hand again. “I know. But, just because I don’t know how to follow the advice doesn’t mean I can’t pass it on.”

  “Do as I say, not as I do?”

  “Parenting 101, kid. No one’s perfect, least of all parents. But, most of us do our best for our kids. Sometimes it’s just hard to do that and do what’s best for us as well. The two don’t always go together, and sometimes we mess up.”

  I nodded and squeezed his hand back. “Thanks, Dad.”

  The rest of our night passed by so much more relaxed than usual, like we could just be without secrets and weirdness between us. With all the serious stuff over, Dad was a little more like his usual prim and proper self, but that actual caring-dad persona was very obviously there.

  ****

  So, despite my best intentions and feeling better after my surprising talk with Dad, it took me a while to get up the courage to talk to Ander about whatever Topher and I were doing – not that we did any of that before I talked to Ander. In hindsight, maybe waiting until we were driving to school the next Wednesday had not been the best plan.

  “I kissed your brother,” was also not the start I’d intended.

  Ander looked at me from the corner of his eye as he drove. “Uh. Yeah. I knew this.”

  I sighed. “No. Since then.”

  “Uh huh…?” I knew he was waiting for more explanation.

  “Uh… I might have not wanted you to see me kissing him that day we tacky bombed which was why he ended up in the pool…”

  Ander snorted then threw me a surprised look. “Wait, what? You pushed him in the pool so I didn’t see you kissing him?”

  “Uh. Yes.”

  “Okay… Is this a regular thing now?”

  I took a deep breath. “No…” I’m not surprised he saw right through that.

  “But?”

  “But, we’ve discussed it maybe being a regular thing?”

  “You sure about that?”

  “He asked me out. Like ‘dating’ out.”

  We were both thrown forward as Ander had to slam on the breaks to avoid rear-ending the person in front of us. When we were stopped, he turned to look at me in surprise.

  “What?”

  “I sort of mainly said no.”

  “Double what? How does that equate to kissing him regularly? What did I miss?”

  “Um… Well, somehow we ended up agreeing that we didn’t want to kiss other people but I didn’t want to put a label on it.”

  Ander took a deep breath now. “Okay… Babe, I love you – more than anything, you know this – but… And, this is going to sound harsh… But, what the actual fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “This isn’t you.”

  “How do we know? How do we know I’m not the only semi-stringed-hookup sort of girl? It’s not like I’ve had any experience with it.”

  “You told him you didn’t want labels?”

  I nodded. “I just…”

  He shook his head, once again able to read my mind. “Yeah. I know, babe. But, this is my brother we’re talking about.”

  I looked at my hands in my lap. “I’m sorry, babe.”

  “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to be safe.”

  I felt my cheeks flush. “Oh, no. We haven’t–”

  “Your heart, Ads,” he chuckled. “Well, I mean, that too if you get there. But, I was talking about your heart.”

  “You’re not mad?”

  Ander sighed and went back to concentrating as the traffic kept moving. “I honestly don’t know how to feel. I mean, the idea of you and my brother is…” He grimaced. “It’s like my brother and sister. Logically, I know it’s not. But, it’s a hard feeling to shake.”

  “If you don’t want me to…see him, Ander, I won’t.”

  Ander took his eyes off the road only long enough to glare at me. “That is not how Best Friend 101 works, babe. You know this. We know you know this or you’d have been on me about Tess all term.”

  We hadn’t talked about Tess after last Friday, but we had eaten a shit ton of ice cream and watched rom-coms for a good portion of the weekend.

  “Look. I’m not thrilled. I’m worried as hell. But…” He took a deep breath. “You have to do what you need to do to be happy. If that’s kissing my brother without any labels, then that’s what it is.”

  “I…don’t know what’s going to happen…”

  Ander took my hand for a second to squeeze it comfortingly. “You know I’m here for you, always and forever. But, it’s okay to feel something for him, too.”

  “But, it’s your brother, babe.”

  Ander chuckled awkwardly. “I know this. Trust me, I know this.”

  I lay my head back on the seat and closed my eyes. “What if I’ve ruined everything?”

  “You haven’t ruined anything. The two of you have always had…”

  My eyes snapped open and I looked at him. “What?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it.” Ander shrugged. “You’ve always had a something. I mean, I sort of always expected you two would end up kissing at some point. But, I’d never let myself think about it further than that.”

  I nodded. That was fair, I guessed. Well, I mean, Ander’s feelings were always fair; your feelings were your feelings, you were entitled to them even if other people didn’t like them. It was more I could understand the logic behind them.

  “What does he expect?” Ander asked.

  “Nothing, apparently.” Which still surprised me.

  “I meant about this dating or not thing. If we could keep talk about the hooking up to a minimum, then that would be great,” Ander snorted.

  “Oh, right. Sure.” My cheeks heated again. “Um, I don’t know. I told him nothing was going to happen until I’d talked to you.”

  “Babe, I appreciate that. But, you don’t need my permission.”

  I huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I know. Topher said the same thing.”

  “Well, he’s not wrong.”

  “I couldn’t not tell you.”

  He nodded. “Thanks.”

  “It’s going to take some getting used to.”

  He nodded again. “Yeah.”

  “We can…not talk about it?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  If I was honest with both of us? “Maybe.”

  “Babe, it’s up to you. I stand by my statement from last week though. I reserve the right to beat him to a pulp for touching you and I need to know you’re making the right choice. But, after that…” He looked at me quickly. “You do you, Ads.”

  I smiled, so thankful to have a best friend who loved me that much. I wriggled in my seat and faced him. “Okay, Addy Mac for her Wednesday morning third-degree.”

  He laughed. “Okay, I don’t want like details, details. But, I gotta know how this happened.”

  I sighed. “I don’t really know. He kissed me at your party and… Without details, I started wondering if that was what all the fuss was about.”

  “Oh…wow,” Ander said slowly, like understanding was dawning; it was a conversation we’d had a few times since our ill-fated kiss.

  “Yeah. I told myself it wasn’t. I mean, it’s just your brother. But, then I found myself kissing him again–”

  “Was this when you pushed him in the pool or another time?”

  I knew Ander was enjoying the fact I’d pushed Topher in the pool as much as he had the day it happened. “Yes, that time.”

  “Okay… So, I think I’m starting to get why he was in such a good mood that day. Not a tumour, then.”

  “I guess not.”

  “Then?”

  I sighed again. “Then, he took me driving while you were at AV club and we went to the beach and…redact details here…kissing occurred. I told him we weren’t talking about it. I didn’t really know what I felt about it and I guess I was too scared to think ab
out it?”

  “So, what changed your mind?”

  This was a part I couldn’t really get through without more information than he probably wanted to hear. “I had a talk with Aunt Jelly about sex–”

  “Ah, yeah. I can imagine how that went. Shitty First Time club?”

  I smiled. “You, too?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah.” I breathed in. “Anyway, when I asked her when the right time was, she said I’d know…”

  Ander grimaced, but didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Okay…I think I see where this is going.”

  “I’m sorry–”

  “Nope,” he interrupted, sounding grossed out but decisive. “Nope, just let’s get through this bit as fast as possible, yeah?”

  “Sure. Let’s just say that I got what she meant. With your brother.”

  “Wait, I thought you said you hadn’t…”

  “We haven’t. Almost did, but I couldn’t.”

  He frowned. “When was this?”

  I cleared my throat. “Uh, that Saturday you were…out.”

  “Oh.” Ander blinked a couple of times and cleared his throat. “Right. So, skipping past that. You want to bone my brother?”

  “Um…maybe?”

  Ander nodded. “Right. And, this is actual boning, yes? Not just me joking you have a lady boner for him while you drool all over him but never want to touch him?”

  “Uh, I think so, yeah.”

  “Right. And, last…Friday, when the subject came up…?”

  “And, I basically lied to you?”

  “Yeah, that one.” He threw me a glare.

  “He literally just asked me out before you came skidding around the corner and I didn’t know what to do with it.”

  “Okay. So, since then?”

  “We’ve talked and I told him nothing – big, capital N nothing – was happening until I talked to you about it first.”

  “Okay…” he said slowly as we pulled into the school carpark.

  “Verdict?” I asked.

  He put the car in park and turned to look at me. “Addy, I love you–”

  “I love you, too.”

  “And I want you to be happy. I don’t know how I feel about this semi-serious thing you’ve decided on. But, if, whatever it is you’re doing, doing it with my brother makes you happy, then okay. I can’t be thrilled about it, but you know as well as me what you’re getting into with Topher. You want to talk about it? I’ll do my best to listen like I would if he was anyone else. You don’t need it, but you have my blessing anyway.”

  I smiled at him and we hugged awkwardly across the handbrake. “Thanks, babe.”

  “Just be warned, if he breaks your heart, I’mma beat him to a pulp for a second time.”

  I nodded, still not letting him go. “You might have to get in line.”

  He laughed, kissed my temple and pulled away.

  “I love you, Ander, to the moon and back.”

  “I love you, too, more than all the stars in the sky.”

  It was a corny ritual we’d come up with one summer night. It was said with all the sarcasm we could muster, but it made the sentiment no less true.

  As we closed the doors to our baby, he said, “First time I see him and his smarmy face today, I’m going to hit him.”

  I laughed. “Sure you will.”

  But, of course, he didn’t. We passed Topher in the corridor on the way to class and I had a feeling he knew something had changed. Ander had his arm around me as usual, but he tipped his chin at his brother like it was some sort of secret ‘okay’. Topher’s eyes had flown to me with a look on his face like he was trying to suppress his smile in case his assumptions were wrong and I’d been such a girl and flushed before I had to bite my lip against a smile and look away from him.

  Luckily, Derek was being as big and loud as usual and so I didn’t think anyone but Topher, Ander or I noticed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Unlike the previous Friday, when Topher and I walked past each other at school over the rest of the day, it wasn’t a weird, annoyed kind of tense; it was an excited kind of tense. Every time he saw me, he was smiling. But, we didn’t do or say anything outside the ordinary until after school.

  Before which, Ander took hold of my shoulders after we’d closed our lockers and looked at me carefully. “Are you sure about this?”

  I took a deep breath. “As sure as I could ever be.”

  “The fuss?”

  “I think it’s possible.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Go get him. Just make sure you’re done doing whatever it is you need to do by the time I get home.”

  I snorted. “Sure. Love you, babe.”

  And, he grinned. “Love you, too.”

  I gave him a quick hug and pulled away.

  “Be good,” he yelled as I walked away and I waved him off.

  I headed to meet Topher at his car, while Ander went off to AV club. I got to the car first and just kind of hung out awkwardly, leaning against the boot, until I saw him come out of the building. When we saw each other, I stood up straight, almost expectantly, and he paused for a second. Then, he looked around as he bit his lip against a grin and hurried over.

  “Hey,” he said, stopping in front of me.

  There was that weird vibe between us where you think the other person wants to hug you or something but you’re not sure about it. So, even though you kind of want to hug them or something, you just both stand there wondering if the other person now just thought you were rude for not hugging them or thought you were just acting really weird.

  “Hey,” I replied with a nod and trying not to smile in response to the almost-smile on his face.

  “You finally talked to Lex.”

  I nodded, even though it hadn’t been a question. “I did.”

  “And?”

  I looked around the carpark. “Do you think here and now is the right place for this?”

  He flashed me a sexy grin and unlocked the car. “Okay. No. You want to drive?”

  I shook my head, feeling far too amped up by that look in his eyes to concentrate properly.

  “You sure? There’s only like two weeks until you can go for your P’s and we’re so close to your hours…”

  I sighed with a conceding smile because he had a good point and I could manage to not be excited that we might be sort-of dating very soon. “Okay, fine.”

  He threw me the keys and walked towards me to get in the passenger side. He paused when he drew up next to me.

  “Not here?”

  “Not here.” I smiled.

  He nodded as he looked behind me. “Not here,” he repeated to himself with a final nod, then got in the car.

  I threw my bag in the backseat and climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “How about here?” Topher asked once the doors were closed and I laughed.

  “God, you’re almost as bad as that Christmas Ander got his new skateboard deck.”

  “Hendersons have a tendency to get excited when they’re very close to things they want,” he said, leaning towards me and a shiver went through me.

  “Well, if you don’t want me to crash your car, you’re going to have to be a little further away.” I busied myself rearranging his seat and mirrors again to try to take my mind off how close we were.

  He leant even closer. “Why is that, Addy?” he whispered in my ear.

  I looked at him, trying to look admonishing but really just smiling. “You know why that is, Topher.”

  “One kiss?” he pleaded, our noses almost bumping.

  “How do you know my conversation with Ander came out in your favour?”

  “The fact Lex didn’t actually beat me to a pulp when I saw him this morning.”

  “He threatened to.”

  “I don’t doubt it.”

  “He may still. Maybe he just didn’t want to cause a scene?”

  Topher’s
eyes crinkled, but there was a hint of doubt in them. “It’s quite possible.”

  I just looked at him, knowing it was eating him up not knowing what my decision was on this. He looked pretty confident, but I knew Topher and I knew he wasn’t so cocky that he just expected my answer to be yes, especially when he didn’t know what Ander had actually said.

  “Okay. You win. I concede to you entirely. I need to know,” he finally said in a rush.

  “If we weren’t in the carpark, I’d let you kiss me,” I told him, then turned away.

  “So, is that a yes, then?” he asked, almost disbelieving, as I put the car in reverse and gently guided it out of the space.

  “Yes to what?”

  “To my question.”

  “What was that again?” I asked, throwing him a quick look of mock-confusion as we drove out of the school gates.

  “Addy…” he said, his voice close to that Topher-command.

  “Topher?” I replied in kind.

  “You’re killing me here, gorgeous.”

  “You still seem very much alive to me.”

  “Wow. Okay. That’s how we’re playing it?” he asked incredulously, then chuckled, “Okay.”

  I looked at him quickly and gave him a shit-eating grin, to which he just smiled.

  He let out a relieved laugh and we took the rest of the trip home in almost-silence. There was some singing along to songs together and some talk about anything other than dating, but we looked at each other now and then like we totally knew that talking about dating was coming.

  By the time I parked Topher’s car in the driveway, my heart was racing so fast I felt like I was going to explode. It was entirely ridiculous and I knew it was entirely ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. My fear of falling in love aside, I was excited about this. I was excited that maybe there was a guy in the world who liked me more than just friends. And, a guy I liked as well?

  “So, not here, either?” Topher asked wryly.

  I blushed and smiled and wouldn’t look at him. “You can’t be patient for once in your life?”

  “I can. Watch me,” he chuckled, then swung out of the car and cavalierly headed for the front door.

  I took a couple of seconds to pull myself together so I didn’t fall over my own feet on the way across the lawn, then followed. By the time I’d dropped my bag in the hallway, I had no idea where he’d gone until I heard him speak.