Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I clambered into the bed and shuffled under the blankets. “Because,” I said, lying down to face him and he joined me, “we only wear them matching when we’re trying to impress. Every other underwear decision is based on comfort.”

  “Who are you trying to impress?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t know. I’m not sure it would work anyway.”

  He smiled as he brushed hair off my face. “You always impress me.”

  I snorted. “Sure, I do.”

  “You do.”

  I kissed him if only to shut him up because I was feeling a little embarrassed by the compliment. Happy, but embarrassed. My hand ran over his boxers as I kissed him and I felt him smile.

  “If I remember, we were interrupted before…” he said.

  I nodded. “We were.”

  “Shall I pick up where I left off?” he asked as his lips trailed to my neck.

  I nodded again. “I like the sound of that.”

  So, he did.

  And, after I repaid the favour, and learnt about optimal tissue deployment and placement in order to avoid mess.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I didn’t want to get up. It wasn’t just that there was something nice (and nerve-wracking) about being in bed with someone you like liked, but I wasn’t sure what facing Ander was going to be like.

  For almost 10 years, Ander and I had at least slept in the same room when we’d been in the same house. I didn’t know how he was going to feel knowing I’d been at his house and not just not in his (my usual) room, but in his older brother’s room. Okay, no. I knew how he would probably feel and I hated that it would be my fault he felt that way.

  Not just that, though. I hadn’t stopped to think about it the last time I’d woken up in Topher’s bed, but something did seem a little weird about the fact Ander and I shared a bed now. Before, it had just been what we’d done since we were eight, a place to crash, a sleepover where we giggled like idiots and snuck party mix under the covers. Now, it felt like something we maybe should have stopped doing years ago.

  I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that something that was innocent and harmless could be seen as wrong. Especially when I wondered if it would have been seen as less wrong had my best friend been a girl. But, I supposed that was a part of growing up, wasn’t it? We didn’t get to do the things we used to do anymore because society had expectations and that gave us expectations. It sucked, and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to go back to thinking nothing of it or not. It sucked and I felt like a terrible friend.

  “You’re not stealing my t-shirt and sneaking out this morning?” I heard Topher ask, his voice rough still from sleep.

  I turned to look at him with a smile. “Nope.”

  “Does that have anything to do with me?”

  I frowned at him. “What?”

  “Or, are you avoiding Lex?”

  I looked back at the ceiling. “Can it be both?”

  He rolled half on top of me with a laugh. “At least you’re honest.”

  As he leant down to kiss me, I giggled and pulled away.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Morning breath, dillweed!” I laughed, covering my mouth.

  “Seriously?”

  He was looking down at me, his hair hanging, with a gorgeously humoured look on his face that was making my body try to convince me this was the place and now was the time. It wasn’t that I thought it was wrong, I just knew the others would be up and wouldn’t that be weird?

  I nodded from behind my hand, suddenly feeling strange. It wasn’t a bad strange; I didn’t want to stop feeling it. But, I didn’t know how Topher was feeling and it was suddenly very important for me to know how he was feeling if that was the way I was feeling.

  “I don’t care about your morning breath, Ads,” he said.

  “And, if I care about yours?”

  “Well, I can accept that.” His head dropped so his lips were by my ear. “My lips don’t have to touch yours.”

  I giggled again. “True. But, maybe not when your brother’s already up?”

  “He’s not the only one,” Topher muttered as he kissed my neck and rolled off me again.

  “Were you talking about Aunt Jelly or you?” I asked with a rueful smile.

  He spared me a grin before he sat up. “Both.” He rubbed his hand through his hair a few times, then looked back at me. “We’d best get up then, huh?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  Neither of us made to move and we laughed.

  “I think you usually do some kind of sitting up or something then at this point,” Topher said.

  “Usually,” I agreed, grabbing his arm to help me sit up.

  He kissed my nose, then hauled himself from the bed. I leant my arms on my knees and watched him as he stretched and headed for his bathroom in nothing but his boxers. I let myself have a perve right up until he closed the door, then I looked around for where I’d dumped my jeans last night.

  I pulled them on under the t-shirt Topher had found me, wondered if I should wait for him, decided not to, bucked up my resolve I’d done nothing wrong, and headed downstairs.

  Aunt Jelly and Ander were in the kitchen, laughing. Ander’s face shut down entirely when he saw me in what was obviously his brother’s shirt – Ander would not have owned something that was bordering on tight on me – and Aunt Jelly turned around.

  “Oh, hey. How was dinner?” she asked, doing a semi-decent job of pretending not to care that Ander had obviously been surprised to see me.

  I nodded, taking an awkward step into the kitchen. “Fine. Everyone who was supposed to be there was, but surprisingly no arguments.”

  “Everyone?” Ander’s voice was stony and I swallowed.

  “All the MacGuires.”

  His eyebrows rose for a second as he obviously tried to work out if that was more insulting or less, then he looked at his mug.

  “Well, I should go and see how much of this next essay I can get done,” Aunt Jelly said loudly, picking up her cup. She gave me a reassuring hug as she passed.

  When she was gone, I looked at Ander. “I didn’t…” I swallowed hard as he looked up at me expectantly.

  “Didn’t what, Ads?” he asked.

  “I didn’t mean to–”

  “What? Fuck my brother?”

  I blinked. “That I didn’t do!” I snapped. “You were in your room in a mood when we got back, so I figured it was easier to crash with him. But, nothing happened.” Well, not that. “I was going to say I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or whatever. But, if you’re going to act like a bitch then I’m not sorry.”

  I watched as most of the anger was replaced with remorse, but he was still annoyed. “And, I’m just meant to believe you spent the night with him and nothing happened?”

  I felt my cheeks heat a little and hoped he didn’t notice. “We kissed. But, we didn’t have sex.”

  “Sure,” he scoffed.

  “We didn’t. If you want the details, I can give you the play by play?” I snapped.

  He had the decency to look somewhat contrite. “I don’t need to hear about you boning my brother. But, thanks.”

  “I wasn’t…” I groaned in frustration. “I’m sorry I picked him over you Ander. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

  I knew that face; he knew he was acting like a dick, but he wasn’t going to back down. Last time he’d worn that face, he hadn’t wanted me to go to the skate park with him and the boys for some reason. I’d found out later there was a girl who wouldn’t talk to him because she felt threatened by me. We can all guess how it turned out for him since she was nowhere to be seen. We’d told each other that would be the only time we let anyone get between us.

  “Not when it sounds like you don’t mean it,” he countered.

  “I want to mean it. But, it’s a little difficult when you’re being a little bitch!” I was yelling by the end of that sentence, but I
didn’t really care.

  “I’m not the one pining over my brother. My brother, Ads! Come on!”

  “You said you were fine with it.”

  “I didn’t expect you to forget about me so quickly.”

  “I didn’t forget about you, you knob!”

  “You–”

  “Hey, what the hell are you two yelling about?” Topher asked as he walked in.

  I flushed and wouldn’t look at him. So, I glared at Ander, daring him to explain it. No surprises, he didn’t.

  “Lex?” Topher pushed.

  Ander’s face was set, his jaw clenched. “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Topher sounded understandably sceptical. “It’s a pretty loud nothing.”

  “She’s my best friend, Christopher.”

  “I’m aware of that, Alexander. Why are you telling me?”

  Ander did his usual fake bluster in front of his brother, but he was more convincing than usual. “So, she’s my best friend. I thought we agreed no flaunting?”

  What? When did they agree that?

  Topher nodded. “Yeah, we agreed no flaunting. What’s flaunting about her sleeping in my room? It’s not like we announced it to you first, kept you awake all night with our raging libidos, and came down this morning and told you how good it was. She spent like ten minutes standing outside your door last night, Lex, wondering if you’d want to see her before I finally convinced her to crash with me and talk to you today. You can’t complain she was with me instead of you when you wouldn’t talk to her before she left.”

  Ander lost all his bluster as he turned to me. “Ads, I’m sorry–”

  “You’d better be,” Topher said. “You’re so self-absorbed, you didn’t–”

  “Oh, I’m self-absorbed?” Ander cried, standing up suddenly.

  Oh, this was going to go well.

  Question was, did I try to get in the middle of it or let the brothers sort it out. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d played mediator – well, my version of mediator was just trying to get them to stop yelling at each other – but it would have been the first where my motivations could be questioned by all of us.

  “I’m self-absorbed?” Ander yelled again. “This coming from the guy whose jumper announces his status on the bullshit hierarchy, the guy who always expects to be the centre of attention, the guy who doesn’t care how he treats anyone else as long as people worship him, the guy who doesn’t care who he’s hooking up with and if that affects anyone else!”

  “Whoa, Lex. You need to get something off your chest?” Topher asked sarcastically. “You’re not exactly Mr Humanitarian, bludging around with your skater nerds and doing a stupid club you have no interest in just so you can get laid. Dude, it’s sad.”

  “At least I have a personality. You’re just a carbon copy of every asshole who’s ever ruled Saint Basils. There isn’t a single original thought it your tiny head.”

  “Well, you’d know about tiny heads, wouldn’t you? Tell me again how many subjects you might pass this year?”

  Ander went bright red. “There’s more to life than being smart, Topher.”

  “How far are baggy jeans and skateboards going to get you?”

  Ander looked at me and I hoped I was wearing the ‘I’m staying out of this’ face.

  “Oh, I like this new act. But, Addy’s known you for years, Toph. She’s not just going to think you’re a better person because you pretend to care. She’s not just going to blindly fall for you.”

  “Really? And, you know this how? You’ve talked about it? I’d be willing to bet she’s talked more with me about how she feels about me, than with you.”

  “We talk about everything. We’re honest about everything.”

  “Is that so? So, you’d be well aware how she–”

  “Okay. Time out!” I yelled, cutting him off and both boys looked at me. “We’re not doing this, boys. Okay? You can argue all you like. But, you’re not arguing over me. I’m still just Addy – one half of the dream team, honorary Henderson, and pain in the ass to the dillweed. Topher and I…kiss now. But, nothing else has changed. Ander, you’re still the love of my life, my best friend, irreplaceable. Just because I want to spend some time with Topher now doesn’t mean I won’t always love you.”

  I looked between them, waiting for them to say it was okay, we’d work it out, we were still just finding our feet. But, instead of anything reassuring, both boys just turned and walked away; Ander outside and Topher upstairs.

  “Great,” I muttered as I plonked down on the barstool.

  Because, I wasn’t falling for that; I go after Ander and Topher would feel worse, I go after Topher and Ander would feel worse. This way, we could all just feel awful together. Or, not together as the case may be.

  There was obviously something going on I didn’t know about. That had sounded like an argument that had been simmering for a while. And, what was the ‘no flaunting’ thing?

  We didn’t bring any of it up again. Ander just went back to pretending everything was normal and Topher and I only kissed when Ander wasn’t around; sneaking one or two as we passed each other in the hallway or while Ander was showering or busy with Aunt Jelly. But, on the surface, everything did seem fine. I just knew it was the underneath that was brewing all sorts of something. And, not just between the brothers any more.

  The rest of the first week of the holidays saw me feeling like the rope in a tug of war, constantly trying to work out which Henderson brother I was spending time with when and worrying if I was neglecting the other one. I hated it. But, I couldn’t be sort-of-dating with Topher around Ander. So, any time I wanted to spend with him like that meant I felt like I was neglecting Ander so it only happened when Ander had other plans. Anytime I was with Ander or the three of us hung out together, I felt like I wasn’t paying attention to Topher the way I was supposed to, but at least we were hanging out.

  I mean, I know I’d always found dating difficult. But, this wasn’t even dating. Not really. I’d be stupid to think Topher and I weren’t about one conversation away from making it totally official. But, how fair was that when I couldn’t be normal with Topher around Ander?

  I’d always assumed that whenever Ander and I actually managed to find ourselves a proper person, then we’d all hang out together. We could kiss our significant others in front of each other, hold their hands, say things that made it obvious we were together, and no one would feel weird about it. But, I didn’t want to make Ander uncomfortable and Topher had apparently agreed to ‘no flaunting’, whatever that was.

  Some people might say it was unfair of Ander. I’d agree with that. Some might also understand why he was uncomfortable and not blame him. I’d agree with that, too.

  So, I was torn.

  And, by Saturday, I wasn’t going to bat an eyelid when Topher suggested Nick needed a wingman for the night. In fact, I encouraged him to go. I felt awful, but at least I wouldn’t feel like I was choosing one brother over the other no matter what I chose to do.

  We had the boys over again and they were splashing around loudly in the pool while I was inside looking for something to eat.

  “Hey,” I heard Topher and I turned to smile at him.

  He’d gone all out tonight; boots, fitted jeans, white t-shirt and pale blue unbuttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His hair was artfully messy – where Ander’s was messy because he’d never really met a brush, Topher knew how make it look good – and he looked unnecessarily hot.

  “Hey. You look good. Where are you guys going?”

  He shrugged. “Wherever we find ourselves. Nick thinks this girl he’s interested in is going out, so I assume he’ll try to find her.”

  There was an odd vibe between us. But, there had been all week. Even when he’d snuck a kiss as he walked past me and it had made me smile and distracted me, there’d been an air of expectation hanging over us. It wasn’t really awkwardness, it was just something that was there a
nd was going to have to be dealt with at some point. A conversation was coming, I just wasn’t sure what it would involve or what we were waiting for before we had it.

  I nodded. “Are you driving?”

  “Nah. Don’t plan on getting plastered or anything. But, may as well be safe.”

  I nodded again as I decided to give up on food and go back outside. “Sensible.”

  Topher followed me out. “Right, Lex, I’m going. You nerds right here?”

  Ander looked over to us and nodded; he at least had seemed pretty normal the last few days. “Yeah, we’re good. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

  Derek laughed as Topher shook his head.

  “See you lot later, unless you’ve all piked out.” Topher waved at them and started to head inside.

  “Not going to kiss Kit goodbye, Ads?” Derek shouted and I went bright red from head to toe.

  “Shut up,” Ander said as he pushed Derek in the pool.

  “Go on, Ads! Give him a kiss,” Tate joined in and I could see by the look on his face he was making trouble for the sake of it. Luckily for Tate, he was already in the pool and Ander couldn’t push him in.

  I rolled my eyes, grabbed Topher, pulled him down to my level and kissed him. There was a great sarcastic cheering behind me and I pushed Topher away. We stared at each other for a second while my heart beat like mad and all I wanted to do was kiss him again.

  “Well, that was a development,” he said softly, a hint of a smile on his face.

  “What was?” I scoffed, telling myself he didn’t have such an effect on me.

  “You kissed me in front of people. It’s almost like it’s real now.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out and my mind was blank. He chuckled, but there was something hard in those dark blue eyes as they bored into me.

  “I’ll see you later.” He gave me a wink, waved to the boys over my shoulder and walked away as the boys yelled, “bye Kit,” after him.

  I glared at the boys, then stormed inside to Ander’s room. I’d spent more time in Topher’s room the last week or so than I ever thought I would, but Ander’s was still home. I rubbed as much water off myself as I could and flopped onto the bed, my arm over my eyes.