This Much is True

by Louise, Tia

  “I’m surprised I didn’t have to pull you off him.” I’m still raging.

  “Getting that confession was the most important thing. He didn’t exactly say JR’s name or initials, but he said Dad’s name. He said William’s son. We need to talk to a lawyer.”

  “Let’s go.” He releases me, and we head to the car.

  Hope

  “It’s weak.” We’re sitting in front of the computer screen, talking to the Zoom lawyer, and I’m getting more and more frustrated.

  “He clearly stated they planted the drugs on JR without his knowledge.” Scout pushes, but the lady shakes her head.

  “He doesn’t clearly state it. Also, it could be argued he was bragging to impress you. He can come back and say he made it all up. It’s too vague.”

  I’m out of my chair, walking around the living room and shaking my arms. It’s so frustrating to be this close, to know the guy is a guilty, lying piece of shit, and not to be able to use it.

  “So what do we do?” Scout won’t give up.

  “He needs to clearly say he planted the drugs in your brother’s car without his knowledge. That’s the most important piece. Without that, it won’t hold up.”

  “I don’t know if he’ll say more a second time.” Scout looks at me, worried.

  “What if Ritchie Deemers confessed?” I lean into the camera.

  “How would you convince him to talk?” Zoom lawyer studies her notebook. “The pickup never occurred, so as it stands, he’s not implicated in any of this. If he comes forward, he’ll basically be confessing he’s part of an international drug ring.”

  “Can you offer him protection? Make a deal with him or something like a plea bargain?”

  The lawyer only laughs. “It’s not that big of a case.”

  “I’ll wait a little bit and try going after Clyde again. Thank you. We’ll be back.” Scout hits the end button, and we both sit, staring at the blank screen.

  For a minute, neither of us speaks. I look out the glass doors towards the ocean, while Scout stands and walks into the kitchen.

  “Well, I didn’t want to have to do this…” He exhales dramatically. “But it’s been a while since I’ve had my dick sucked.”

  My eyebrows shoot up. “You’re going to—”

  “Maybe I’ll just masturbate in front of him. I do have an appealing cock.”

  I cover my eyes with my fingers. “You’d do that?”

  He stares at me a beat, his eyes dead serious.

  I’m starting to think he might…

  Until he starts to laugh. “You are so gullible.”

  “Scout!” I scramble to my feet so I can cross the room and hit him on the arm.

  “I got you.”

  “That… I…” Shaking my head, I can’t deny it. “It seemed a little extreme.”

  “A little!” He cries, laughing more. “We’re pretty desperate, but I think we have a few more options before I start prostituting myself.”

  Walking to the doors, I look out at the ocean, wondering if we do. From where I’m sitting, it looks like we’re back to beating it out of him.

  “That Rammin’ Rod thing really put you on the map.”

  “Or took me off it. I couldn’t get an acting job for years. Casting directors wouldn’t even speak to me.”

  “Seems so unfair. You couldn’t help it.” He makes a noise, and I pick up the keys off the table. “I’m going to see him. I can’t stand thinking of him sitting alone in that cell all day.”

  Scout’s eyebrow arches, and he gives me a little grin. “Okay.”

  “You want to come?”

  “I’ll see what I can come up with around here. Tell him I said hey.”

  Twisting my fingers, I wait for JR to appear through the door. I didn’t really think it through coming here without better news. Still, when he enters the small room, I dismiss all my doubts.

  His blue eyes light when they meet mine, and I rush to the glass. His beard is fuller, and his arms extending from his short sleeves seem more defined, like he’s been working out again.

  I put my palms against the barrier between us, aching to touch him.

  “Hey.” My voice is soft.

  He places his palms opposite mine. “Hey.” His voice is low, and when he smiles, I almost cry. “What are you doing here?”

  Blinking up at him, I trace my finger along the glass like I would along his skin if I could. “I missed you. I hate thinking of you here all day alone.”

  He shrugs. “I’m used to it. How’d it go with Scout and Clyde?” The hint of optimism in his tone aches in my chest. I hate to disappoint him.

  “Scout got him on record admitting they put the drugs in your trunk, and you got caught, and they were using you as a mule… It was him who reported you for violating parole.”

  His glittering eyes harden. “And?”

  I inhale slowly before answering. “The lawyer said it wouldn’t hold up. Clyde said your dad’s name as the initial contact, but he never directly named you as the mule… She said because Scout’s a celebrity, his lawyer could argue he was bragging, making it up to impress us.” I exhale sadly. “She said it’s not enough.”

  He looks away, over his shoulder, and I can feel his body tense through the barrier. He turns away, and before my eyes, it’s like a wall goes up between us, more impenetrable than the one currently standing.

  My heart beats faster, and I want to break through this plexiglass and hold him, beg him to keep believing. I’m afraid it’s too late.

  “So that’s it.” The resignation in his voice makes me panicky.

  “We’re not stopping. Scout and I are both thinking of new ways—”

  “It’s over, Hope.” His voice is flat. “I knew it when I lost my phone. It’s time to stop fighting and do this time.”

  “No!”

  His eyes flicker to mine, and his expression turns dark. A cold stream of dread filters through my veins.

  “I’ve been thinking about it, and I made a decision…” His brow is lowered. “You need to get back to your business. You’ve wasted enough time on me. You need to follow up with that guy and get his help while he’s offering it.”

  “But you said—”

  “I said a lot when I thought things were different. You’ve got to live your life.”

  The pain in my chest radiates up to my temples. “Are you taking back what you said to me?”

  “Things change. You have to walk through the doors when they open. Next time I hear about you, I want it to be for the grand opening of your new Pancake Paradise.”

  My heart is in my throat, and I’m doing my best to keep the tears from falling. “Would you even hear about something like that in here?”

  “I’ll hear about it.”

  I can’t bear it. I can’t let him push me away without telling him, if only this once. “I love you, John.”

  His eyes close, and his chin drops. The sexy muscle in his perfect jaw moves, and he shakes his head. I watch him inhale slowly, then exhale before he breaks my heart. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t?” My voice goes high. “Don’t love you?”

  “Don’t say that.” He lifts his face, and our eyes meet. His are stormy and sad. “Don’t come here anymore. I don’t want to see you. I want you to get on with your life and leave us where we belong, in the past.”

  A hot tear hits my cheek. His eyes flicker to it, and his throat moves. He puts his mask on and goes to the door, waving to the guard and leaving me alone in the visiting space, staring at an empty room, an empty chair.

  My chest is a bleeding hole. More tears start to fall, and I hiccup a breath. Oh, God, I’m going to break down. Cupping a hand over my mouth, I quickly go to the exit. I run to Metallicar before the uncontrollable sobs begin. I hold my hand against my face and close my eyes, fighting for control. I have to hold on. I have to.

  It takes a few minutes before I’m able to complete the blurry drive back to the beach house. When I get there, Scout has lef
t a note saying he’s running an errand. I can’t talk to him right now. I can only talk to one person.

  Going to my closet, I take out my weekend bag and pack fast. Anger and sadness and misery make me slam the clothes harder than I normally would.

  JR Dunne has pushed me away twice now, and I can’t keep holding on, waiting for him to see how right we are together. If he wants me to do it, I will. I’ll seize my opportunity.

  Before I go, I pull the long receipt from my purse and place it on the bar with a note to Scout.

  They have your number. You have mine.

  If anything changes, let me know.

  Lots of love,

  Hope

  Jr

  Telling Hope to leave was the hardest thing I’ve done… since the last time I did it.

  Fuck. I tighten my fist, slamming it against the top bunk in my empty cell again and again. I don’t want to treat her like a yo-yo, but my whole damn life has turned into one, and I’m not holding the strings. She doesn’t deserve that.

  She deserves to be out there making her dreams come true. Some asshole wants to help her… He probably wants to sleep with her, too. My throat tightens and I lift the metal bed, shoving it hard against the wall with a growl. Sending her to him makes me crazy with rage, but it’s her second chance. She’s got to take it.

  As an added layer of insurance, I ask the guard, I think his name is Mel, to remove her name from my visitors list. Scout must have added it, because I never did. It’s like pouring acid on a wound, but it’s the only way I can be sure she doesn’t come back and try to see me again. I’m not strong enough to send her away a third time.

  It would be the most selfish thing I ever did.

  Walking away from her was like giving up on my life. It was letting go of my hope.

  It’s resigning myself to being stuck in this place as long as the judge says, and then when I finally get out, I’ll have a whole host of new hassles to deal with.

  Still, it’s the right thing to do. I knew it when those cops slapped the cuffs on my wrists. I knew it when that bootheel ground my phone into the floor. No more wishing on stars. I have to put my head down and do the time. Fair or not, this is where I am.

  My next call will be to my brother. Somebody has to take care of Jesse.

  When I called Scout, he filled me in on the details of what happened. It was basically what Hope said. He told me she left, and he tried to get me to tell him why. I told him to go home to Jesse, tell my son I love him and it’s breaking my heart not to be there.

  Another week passes. Another week of my life I’ll never get back.

  I watch the news until I can’t listen to it any more. I don’t need assholes telling me cops can be assholes. No shit, Sherlock.

  I lift weights. I read, and every day I walk around the yard for the two hours they give us as recreation. Only a handful of inmates are allowed out at a time, and we’re all sectioned off.

  I never made friends or had a group on the inside, so I’m fine keeping my distance. Walking to the chain-link fence, I look out towards the water. When I was in here before, somehow it was easier. I was fueled by rage and so focused on getting answers and making people pay. My entire mindset was on my dad and his part in putting me here.

  Now I know the truth, and it’s harder than it was before. It’s like a fucking soap opera, where I got caught on the wrong side of the aisle. If it weren’t so fucking stupid, I’d laugh. Or maybe I’d cry.

  “I’ve known a lot of guys in here say they were innocent.”

  I’m lying on the bottom bunk of the metal beds in my room, and I look up to see Mel the Guard speaking to me. It’s quiet and boring in here, so I answer.

  “That so?”

  “Yeah. This one guy Levi said he fell asleep in the backseat of his cousin’s coupe. Woke up and the cousin was armed robbing a 7-Eleven.”

  “Let me guess.” I shift to my side, not sure I want this kind of camaraderie.

  “He got sentenced to life. Accessory to first-degree murder. The cousin shot the clerk in the face.”

  “Jesus.” I shake my head, realizing it could be worse. I’m only on the hook for two to four more years, which is a lot, but shit.

  We’re quiet a little while. I look at the book I’ve been reading, something about the Vietnam war protests in the 1960s.

  “Of the guys who claim they’re innocent, the ones who do best, are the ones who don’t give up and don’t get hard.”

  I exhale a laugh. “Easy for you to say.”

  “I know.” Mel nods, going down the short passage. “But I see you. I know you.” His hand slides over the light switch. “I’m on your side.”

  It’s lights out, and I lie in bed thinking about what he said. I want to be encouraged, but guards get transferred. Nothing’s permanent here. The last thing I should do is trust somebody on the inside is on my side.

  More days pass. I’ve lost count.

  I’m lying on my back, looking at the iPhone Mel smuggled to me, wondering in the course of my life, where does this fall? Am I living in the space between… Beauty came before, with football and Jesse. Now I’m in the pain. Is more beauty waiting on the other side of this, or will it be more pain… or a void?

  The irritating thought is in my head, when I get a message from my brother. Are you sitting down?

  It makes me frown, and I peck out a reply, doing my best to use my thumbs more than my fingers. What else would I be doing?

  Don’t want to give false hope, but something big just happened.

  What?

  Can’t tell you yet.

  I’ll kick your ass.

  Focus on that. I’ll be back soon with instructions.

  Swinging my feet to the floor, I look at the wall, my constant companion since I returned to this fucking hole.

  My chest is tight, and of course, my first thought is seeing Hope again.

  It doesn’t matter if I sent her away. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference I listened to her say she loved me and didn’t answer back. I love her.

  I love her face, her pretty hair, her bright blue eyes and sweet smile… She haunts me every night.

  In the daylight hours, I can keep her memory at bay. I can exercise, lift weights, walk around the yard, watch television, talk to Mel, play games on my phone, meditate…

  Yeah, I meditate a little.

  But at night, there’s no escaping her.

  I close my eyes, and I see her beautiful body. My fingers curl against the mattress, and I feel her round ass beneath them. I crave her taste, her soft lips, her small tits, her flat stomach.

  She’s the goddess of my dreams, and now I’m standing here, pacing this room, furious at the torture my little brother has conjured. Hoping against hope, the girl of my dreams might be on the other end of it.

  I collapse onto the bed, dropping my face to my hands. The last time I prayed, I got kicked in the nuts so hard, I didn’t think I’d recover. What’s wrong with me?

  Still, I can’t help myself.

  God, please…

  Hope

  “It’s like I’m Dawn.” I’m lying on the lounge chair across from my dad.

  I had to wait two weeks to be this close to him. Until then, I stayed at a Holiday Inn nearby and talked to him through a plastic screen like he was the Bubble Boy.

  It didn’t matter. I just wanted to be near him. I needed my dad.

  “Who’s Dawn?” He frowns at me, shoving his longish brown hair behind his ears.

  I was right, although he’s more Road House than Deadwood, and he isn’t wearing a mustache.

  “Are you kidding me?” I slap the side of the lounger and sit up. “Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons?”

  “Oh.” He leans his head back and laughs, brown eyes brimming with love. “You can’t just pull something like that out of left field.”

  “I’m so glad to see you, Dad.” Even though it’s safe, I lower my cheek to his chest and hug him that way.

  “I
’m glad to see you too. I missed your sunshine.” His kind hand smooths my hair back. “Now tell me more about this Dawn situation.”

  “Oh, Dad.” I sigh, sitting up and falling against the cushions. “He’s been wrongfully convicted of dealing drugs… And stop!” I hold up my hand. “Before you ask me how I know, trust me. I know. I was there when the guy who set him up confessed. Only the lawyer said it wasn’t a strong enough confession because the liar fingered his dad as the target rather than him…”

  My dad’s thick brow furrows. “That isn’t right.” His low voice rumbles slowly, and I couldn’t agree more.

  “That’s where we are. I told him I loved him, and he sent me away. He said I couldn’t wait for him. I had to get on with my life.”

  “He sounds like a good man.” Dad leans back on the lounge chair beside me.

  We’re lying next to a sparkling blue pool at the Shady Rest nursing home, although nobody’s swimming. Still, it’s a nice ambiance. A small waterfall is trickling at the far end, and palm trees are strategically planted at the corners.

  It has more the feel of a luxury resort than an assisted living facility.

  “He’s the best kind of man.” Tilting my head to the side, I remember how he was with his brother, his son, me. “He’s an amazing dad. His little boy is so adorable, and he’s a loving grandson. His brother adores him…”

  “Says a lot about a man when other people care about him that much.”

  “I really do love him. I think he loves me, too.”

  Dad’s lips twitch, and he slants an eye at me, giving me a little grin. “If that’s the case, then it’s going to happen. The universe doesn’t let true love go unanswered. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Hope eternal.”

  We spend the rest of the day walking along the shore. I meet his new girlfriend Karla, and she’s really beautiful. Slim with brown skin and thick, spiral-curled brown hair. She’s smart and wise, and she clearly loves my father.