CHAPTER XXVIII
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE
The observation room was as lonely as a deserted battle-field andMarjorie as doleful as a wounded soldier left behind, and perishing ofthirst, when the conductor came back with Snoozleums in his arms.
He regarded with contemptuous awe the petty cause of so great an eventas the stopping of the Trans-American. He expected to see Marjoriereceive the returned prodigal with wild rapture, but she didn't evensmile when he said:
"Here's your powder-puff."
She just took Snoozleums on her lap, and, looking up with wet eyes anda sad smile, murmured:
"Thank you very much. You're the nicest conductor I ever met. If youever want another position, I'll see that my father gets you one."
It was like offering the Kaiser a new job, but the conductor swallowedthe insult and sought to repay it with irony.
"Thanks. And if you ever want to run this road for a couple of weeks,just let me know."
Marjorie nodded appreciatively and said: "I will. You're very kind."
And that completed the rout of that conductor. He retired in disorder,leaving Marjorie to fondle Snoozleums with a neglectful indifferencethat would have greatly flattered Mallory, if he could have seenthrough the partition that divided them.
But he was witnessing with the cynical superiority of an aged anddisillusioned man the, to him, childish behavior of Ira Lathrop, aneleventh-hour Orlando.
For just as Mallory moped into the smoking-room at one door, IraLathrop swept in at the other, his face rubicund with embarrassmentand ecstasy. He had donned an old frock coat with creases like rutsfrom long exile in his trunk. But he was feeling like an heirapparent; and he startled everybody by his jovial hail:
"Well, boys--er--gentlemen--the drinks are on me. Waiter, take theorders."
Little Jimmie woke with a start, rose hastily to his feet and saluted,saying: "Present! Who said take the orders?"
"I did," said Lathrop, "I'm giving a party. Waiter, take the orders."
"Sarsaparilla," said Dr. Temple, but they howled him down and orderedother things. The porter shook his head sadly: "Nothin' but sof'drinks in Utah, gemmen."
A groan went up from the club-members, and Lathrop groaned loudest ofall:
"Well, we've got to drink something. Take the orders. We'll all havesarsaparilla."
Little Jimmie Wellington came to the rescue.
"Don't do anything desperate, gentlemen," he said, with a look ofdivine philanthropy. "The bar's closed, but Little Jimmie Wellingtonis here with the life preserver." From his hip-pocket he produced asilver flask that looked to be big enough to carry a regiment throughthe Alps. It was greeted with a salvo, and Lathrop said to Jimmie: "Iapologize for everything I have said--and thought--about you." Heturned to the porter: "There ain't any law against giving this away,is there?"
The porter grinned: "Not if you-all bribe the exercise-inspector." Andhe held out a glass for the bribe, murmuring, "Don't git tired," as itwas poured. He set it inside his sanctum and then bustled round withice-filled glasses and a siphon.
When Little Jimmie offered of the flask to Dr. Temple, the clergymanput out his hand with a politely horrified: "No, thank you."
Lathrop frightened him with a sudden comment: "Look at that gesture!Doc, I'd almost swear you were a parson."
Mallory whirled on him with the eyes of a hawk about to pounce, and"The very idea!" was the best disclaimer Dr. Temple could manage,suddenly finding himself suspected. Ashton put in with, "The only wayto disprove it, Doc, is to join us."
The poor old clergyman, too deeply involved in his deception to braveconfession now, decided to do and dare all. He stammered,"Er--ah--certainly," and held out his hand for his share of thepoison. Little Jimmie winked at the others and almost filled theglass. The innocent doctor bowed his thanks. When the porter reachedhim and prepared to fill the remainder of the glass from the siphon,the parson waved him aside with a misguided caution:
"No, thanks. I'll not mix them."
Mallory turned away with a sigh: "He takes his straight. He's noparson."
Then they forgot the doctor in curiosity as to Lathrop's sudden spasmof generosity--with Wellington's liquor. Wedgewood voiced the generalcuriosity when he said:
"What's the old woman-hater up to now?"
"Woman-hater?" laughed Ira. "It's the old story. I'm going to followMallory's example--marriage."
"I hope you succeed," said Mallory.
"Wherever did you pick up the bride?" said Wedgewood, mellowing withthe long glass in his hand.
"Brides are easy," said Mallory, with surprising cynicism. "Where doyou get the parson?"
"Hang the parson," Wedgewood repeated, "Who's the gel?"
"I'll bet I know who she is," Ashton interposed; "it's that nectarineof a damsel who got on at Green River."
"Not the same!" Lathrop roared. "I found my bride blooming here allthe while. Girl I used to spark back in Brattleboro, Vermont. I'vebeen vowing for years that I'd live and die an old maid. I've kept myhead out of the noose all this time--till I struck this train and metup with Anne. We got to talking over old times--waking up oldsentiments. She got on my nerves. I got on hers. Finally I said, 'Aw,hell, let's get married. Save price of one stateroom to China anyway.'She says, 'Damned if I don't!'--or words to that effect."
Mallory broke in with feverish interest: "But you said you were goingto get married on this train."
"Nothing easier. Here's How!" and he raised his glass, but Malloryhauled it down to demand: "How? that's what I want to know. How areyou going to get married on this parsonless express. Have you got alittle minister in your suitcase?"
Ira beamed with added pride as he explained:
"Well, you see, when I used to court Anne I had a rival--Charlie Selbyhis name was. I thought he cut me out, but he became a clergyman inUtah--Oh, Charlie! I telegraphed him that I was passing throughOgden, and would he come down to the train and marry me to a charminglady. He always wanted to marry Anne. I thought it would be a durnedgood joke to let him marry her--to me."
"D-did he accept?" Mallory asked, excitedly, "is he coming?"
"He is--he did--here's his telegram," said Ira. "He brings the licenseand the ring." He passed it over, and as Mallory read it a look ofhope spread across his face. But Ira was saying: "We're going to havethe wedding obsequies right here in this car. You're all invited. Willyou come?"
There was a general yell of acceptance and Ashton began to sing,"There was I waiting at the church." Then he led a sort of Indianwar-dance round the next victim of the matrimonial stake. At the endof the hullaballoo all the men charged their glasses, and drained themwith an uproarious "How!"
Poor Doctor Temple had taken luxurious delight in the success of hisdisguise and in the prospect of watching some other clergyman workingwhile he rested. He joined the dance as gaily, if not as gracefully,as any of the rest, and in a final triumph of recklessness, he tossedoff a bumper of straight whisky.
Instantly his "How!" changed to "Wow!" and then his throat clampedfast with a terrific spasm that flung the tears from his eyes. He bentand writhed in a silent paroxysm till he was pounded and shaken backto life and water poured down his throat to reopen a passage.
The others thought he had merely choked and made no comment other thansympathy. They could not have dreamed that the old "physician" was asignorant of the taste as of the vigor of pure spirits.
After a riot of handshaking and good wishes, Ira was permitted toescape with his life. Mallory followed him to the vestibule, where hecaught him by the sleeve with an anxious:
"Excuse me."
"Well, my boy----"
"Your minister--after you get through with him--may I use him?"
"May you--what? Why do you want a minister?"
"To get married."
"Again? Good Lord, are you a Mormon?"
"Me a Mormon!"
"Then what do you want with an extra wife? It's against the law--evenin Utah."
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bsp; "You don't understand."
"My boy, one of us is disgracefully drunk."
"Well, I'm not," said Mallory, and then after a fierce inner debate,he decided to take Lathrop into his confidence. The words came hardafter so long a duplicity, but at last they were out:
"Mr. Lathrop, I'm not really married to my wife."
"You young scoundrel!"
But his fury changed to pity when he heard the history of Mallory'sill-fated efforts, and he promised not only to lend Mallory hisminister at secondhand, but also to keep the whole affair a secret,for Mallory explained his intention of having his own ceremony in thebaggage-car, or somewhere out of sight of the other passengers.
Mallory's face was now aglow as the cold embers of hope leaped intosudden blaze. He wrung Lathrop's hand, saying: "Lord love you, you'vesaved my life--wife--both."
Then he turned and ran to Marjorie with the good news. He had quiteforgotten their epoch-making separation. And she was so glad to seehim smiling at her again that she forgot it, too. He came tearing intothe observation room and took her by the shoulders, whispering: "Oh,Marjorie, Marjorie, I've got him! I've got him!"
"No, I've got him," she said, swinging Snoozleums into view.
Mallory swung him back out of the way: "I don't mean a poodle, I meana parson. I've got a parson."
"No! I can't believe it! Where is he?" She began to dance withdelight, but she stopped when he explained:
"Well, I haven't got him yet, but I'm going to get one."
"What--again?" she groaned, weary of this old bunco game of hope.
"It's a real live one this time," Mallory insisted. "Mr. Lathrop hasordered a minister and he's going to lend him to me as soon as he'sthrough with him, and we'll be married on this train."
Marjorie was overwhelmed, but she felt it becoming in her to be atrifle coy. So she pouted: "But you won't want me for a bride now. I'msuch a fright."
He took the bait, hook and all: "I never saw you looking so adorable."
"Honestly? Oh, but it will be glorious to be Mrs. First LieutenantMallory."
"Glorious!"
"I must telegraph home--and sign my new name. Won't mamma be pleased?"
"Won't she?" said Mallory, with just a trace of dubiety.
Then Marjorie grew serious with a new idea: "I wonder if mamma andpapa have missed me yet?"
Mallory laughed: "After three days' disappearance, I shouldn't besurprised."
"Perhaps they are worrying about me."
"I shouldn't be surprised."
"The poor dears! I'd better write them a telegram at once."
"An excellent idea."
She ran to the desk, found blank forms and then paused with knittedbrow: "It will be very hard to say all I've got to say in ten words."
"Hang the expense," Mallory sniffed magnificently, "I'm paying yourbills now."
But Marjorie tried to look very matronly: "Send a night letter in theday time! No, indeed, we must begin to economize."
Mallory was touched by this new revelation of her future housewifelythrift. He hugged her hard and reminded her that she could send aday-letter by wire.
"An excellent idea," she said. "Now, don't bother me. You go on andread your paper, read about Mattie. I'll never be jealous ofher--him--of anybody--again."
"You shall never have cause for jealousy, my own."
But fate was not finished with the initiation of the unfortunate pair,and already new trouble was strolling in their direction.
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