His lips move up my stomach again, but his fingers are back on me. In fact, they’re no longer on my thighs and are now hovering on a place no one has ever touched me before. They move in a pattern that brings my body completely off the bed. I grab at the sheets and blankets, trying to keep any other noises from escaping my mouth.
“I don’t want you to stop yourself,” he mutters with his lips still on me. “Do you want me to stop? Because I will, just say it.”
“No,” I whine. “No, I don’t want you to stop.” His fingers move faster and I moan again. “But you have to!”
His mouth moves back down my body, ignoring my request. His lips are right above his fingers now. “Do me a favor,” he mumbles, “and try hard to stay quiet.”
Fucking impossible.
A low growl escapes my mouth and I savagely pull at his hair with my hands, forcing his head away from where I so desperately want him to stay. He lets out a small laugh and moves his lips back up my body until they once again find mine, pulling my panties and pajama shorts up in the process.
“I’m sorry,” I say to him in between his kisses.
“Never say sorry for making me stop,” he says, a very somber look in his eyes. “I want you, Eva. God, I want you. All of you. I want to do everything with you, and I want to hear you. I want to know how good I can make you feel, but only when you’re ready.”
“I am ready,” I blush. Even the words that just came out of his mouth make me want to pull off my own clothes and let him have his way with me. “Jesus, Bodhi. I’m definitely ready. Just not here—where I can’t … let go.”
Bodhi smiles and lines kisses along my neck as he whispers, “When that happens, it’s going to be amazing.”
He gives me one more kiss before lying down on his side. I stay on my back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to steady my breathing. The Bodhi I last knew at fourteen is not the same Bodhi I now know at seventeen. The innocence is gone, and it’s frightening to see firsthand how advanced he seems to be sexually. It’s like he knew exactly what he needed to do to get me to lose complete control. I’ve had sex enough times with Porter that I lost track, but he never did anything like what Bodhi almost did. I’ve never felt that way before.
I look over to see him staring at me. “Was that okay?” he asks. “What I did? I didn’t even stop to think that maybe you didn’t want—”
My laugh interrupts him. “Bodhi, it was definitely okay.”
He looks relieved but still unsure. “You look upset.”
I stare back at the ceiling. “Not upset. Just a bit shocked at how—well, advanced you are sexually?” I say my thoughts out loud.
He laughs now. “Does that make you mad?”
“No. I wish you had learned it with me. That we had learned together, that’s all.”
He stays silent long enough that I glance over to make sure he’s still awake. He’s staring at me again, which makes me nervous.
“Just because I know a few things already, doesn’t mean we aren’t learning together,” he says. “Everything we do together for the first time is new to me. I wish I already knew what makes you feel good, what makes those noises escape your mouth that I love to hear … what makes you lose yourself in our moment. We’ll learn together, okay?”
His fingers start running along my collarbone. I roll over so that we’re facing each other, my leg wrapping around his lower body.
“What makes you feel good?” I ask him.
“You,” he replies.
“Bodhi,” I sigh. He kisses my forehead.
“We’ll learn together,” he repeats. “But every time I look at you, I feel like I can’t breathe and that I might pass out. And every time you bite your damn lip, or moan when my mouth or hands are on you, I about die.”
“Mental note. Don’t bite my lip or moan anymore.”
“Don’t you dare stop,” he smirks, bringing his lips onto mine.
I close my eyes as he kisses me once again. My mouth parts and I feel his tongue tracing my own. I moan, and then quickly pull my lips away. “I didn’t mean to do that!”
He laughs and brings my body as close to his as possible, running his fingers along my collarbone again. They don’t stop. He keeps running them over and over my skin until I find myself dozing off because it’s so hypnotizing.
“Eva?” Bodhi whispers.
“Hmm?”
“Those thoughts, the ones you had before? When we weren’t together? If you ever, ever have them again, you’ll tell me, right?”
“I won’t. I won’t have them again,” I make clear.
“But if you do …”
“I’ll tell you right away.”
He settles into his pillow and pulls me in even closer. “I love you, Eva,” he whispers into my ear. “Just in case you didn’t know already.”
“I love you, Bodhi,” I whisper back. “And I did know.” Then I fall asleep, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.
chapter twenty
Bodhi
T he next morning, I wake up early, too early, but I can’t try to sleep anymore. I think the sun must have just made its way up over the Halifax as there’s a soft glow in the bedroom. It’s the type of glow if you stare hard enough, you can see little particles of dust spinning through the streams of light coming in from the windows. I’ve always found this fascinating.
Eva’s still asleep, lying there peacefully on her back with her gorgeous hair fanning out around her head and all over her pillow. It’s like a halo around her beautiful face. I can’t get enough of her. It frightens me a little with how obsessed I’m becoming. How I have become completely infatuated with her. It’s like no matter how long my lips are on hers, my hands touching her, her body up against mine, I crave more. This feeling is so intense, needing her by me to feel sane, I’m already dreading leaving her later.
With what she told me last night, I must have woken up a hundred times thinking about what she had said. I would pull her in as close to me as possible each time, while wondering if there was ever a moment over these last three years, where I could have lost her for real. I think I spent most of the night just lying there, staring at her beautiful face as she slept in my arms.
I hope I make her feel as safe and whole as she makes me feel.
I pull my arm out from under her and quietly get out of bed. She doesn’t move. I slip my t-shirt on and head out of the room. I need coffee, I need to think, I need to make sure I do everything right by Eva for the rest of my goddamn life, and that needs coffee.
I turn into the almost dark kitchen and see Mrs. Calloway sitting at the counter. The sun has yet to come in through the patio door or windows. There’s one little light on over the sink, illuminating her as she sits there. Her back is to me and I try not to laugh at her pink pajamas with pelicans all over them. It’s not what I would expect Audrey Calloway to wear to bed. I don’t think she hears me at first, but then she turns. Coffee in one hand, cell phone in the other, her black hair hanging down around her face. It’s like I’m seeing Eva twenty-five years into the future.
“Morning, Bodhi,” she greets me, not at all embarrassed by her pajamas. I roll with it.
“Morning,” I say back. I move forward and stare at the cabinets, trying to guess where the coffee cups are.
“The one next to the microwave,” she points and smiles.
“Thanks.” I pour myself a cup and give myself a minute before turning to face her again. This is a little awkward, but I don’t want it to be.
“Eva?” she questions and points down the hall. “She make her way down last night?”
I nod and blush, and look away for a moment as the memories of my lips on Eva’s body flood my mind. “She’s sleeping. I’m sorry if—”
Mrs. Calloway shakes her head. “No, no need for that. I knew that’s where she’d end up. It’s okay, really, Bodhi. It’s okay. She … she needs you. You’re like an extension of her almost? She’s not Eva, without you. Her light is gone when you’
re not around. Does that make sense?”
It makes complete sense. I nod my head and take a big sip of my coffee. It burns my tongue as I swallow it down.
“Are you doing alright, Bodhi?” she sincerely asks.
“I’m okay,” I answer swiftly. I’m not used to people asking me how I’m feeling. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until they force their way out.
She narrows her eyes at me. “I’m not buying that.”
I laugh a little. “I don’t think I’ve had time to process anything, to actually think about my mom. It sort of feels like she’s in the hospital. That happened a lot this past year. She’d be in the hospital for a few days and then come back home. It feels like that.”
“Are you waiting for her to come back home?” she carefully asks me.
“Maybe?”
“Oh, Bodhi,” she sighs. “What’s going to happen when you realize she isn’t?”
I look away from her for a minute and stare out the patio door as the sun peeks its way through. I watch the dust particles spin in the air before I turn back to her. “I’ll have Eva,” is what I say.
I watch as a single tear falls down her face. She wipes it away quickly. “The Coopers, you’re staying with them for the next year, right?”
“Yeah. I guess once I turn eighteen, I’m free to do whatever I want though.”
“That’s stupid,” she announces. “You don’t magically turn into an adult on your eighteenth birthday.”
I laugh. “No, no, you don’t.”
“Do you have an idea of what you’ll do? After you turn eighteen?”
I have no clue. “Finish high school first,” I blurt out. “I’ll be eighteen in March. After that, I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far out yet into the future.”
“But, Eva?” she says, her eyes tightening a bit. “Eva’s in your future plans?”
I don’t have a future without Eva in it. “Without a doubt,” I respond. “I know we’re only seventeen, and it might come across as insane to assume I already know this, but she’s an extension of me too.”
Mrs. Calloway smirks a little. “That’s good to hear. College? Work? Any major thoughts on those?”
I shake my head. “I guess I should apply to a few colleges, right?”
She shrugs her shoulders, which catches me by surprise. “College isn’t for everyone, but it never hurts to apply to a few, even if you’re uncertain of what to do after you graduate.”
I nod my head. “Did you go to college?”
“I did,” she tells me. “And I have done nothing with my degree that my parents took out a second mortgage to pay for.”
I laugh a little, even though it isn’t funny.
She laughs too. “They’ve never held it over my head, but as soon as I got pregnant with Eva, they knew my college degree was simply a piece of paper.”
I haven’t known her that long, but I feel like I can be honest with Mrs. Calloway, and she won’t judge me with anything I tell her. “I’m not sure if I want to go to college,” I say. “I kind of feel like there’s more to life than going to school for four years just to work until you’re sixty.”
“I don’t disagree with you there,” she smiles. “What if Eva wants to go to college though?”
“Then I support her completely.”
Mrs. Calloway lets out a laugh. “I can see Eva packing a suitcase and her camera, and hitting the road and never looking back as soon as graduation is over. She’s too good for Flagler.”
I smirk because that’s the Eva I know. “I would completely support that too,” I make clear, and then I pause for a moment. I watch Mrs. Calloway as she sits there, sipping her coffee, looking so much like Eva. I want her to realize that I can take care of her daughter no matter what Eva does with her future, even though I’m only seventeen.
“Hey, did you know my mom set up a trust fund for me?” I can tell by the look on her face she did. I don’t wait for her to answer. “Do you realize how much money is in there?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know the exact numbers, but it’s quite a bit, isn’t it?”
I nod and wait a few moments in silence before asking, “Where did she get all that money? She—she never told me about it. It’s a lot. Too much for one person. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it all.”
Mrs. Calloway bites her lip, something I see Eva do all the time. “I don’t, Bodhi. She never told me. Just that you’ll never have to worry about money, ever. Is that the case?”
“Yes.”
She takes a big sip of her coffee. “Hit the road and never look back.”
I stare into her eyes, her eyes that are exactly like Eva’s. I think she’s scared I’m going to take Eva away from her. I don’t want her to think that.
“This is home,” I then say. “Flagler. No amount of money in the world can change that.”
She smiles and nods her head. “Must be a really overwhelming feeling. Finding out you have all this money waiting for you. Have you told anyone?”
“No. Well, Ma and Pop know, the Coopers, and now you. I haven’t told Eva, not that I’m not going to, it’s just so much money and I don’t want her to look at me like I’m different because of this.”
She bites her lip again. “Eva would never do that. She loves you, Bodhi. She loves you. You know that, right?”
“I do. I think I’ll look at myself differently, when I say it out loud to her.”
“Then you wait until you feel like it’s okay to say out loud,” she suggests.
“You won’t tell her?”
“Absolutely not,” she shakes her head.
“Thank you.”
She nods. “Bodhi, you know you have other people who care about you, right? Not just Eva.”
I take another sip of my coffee. “Yeah?”
“Me, and Calvin,” she lists. “You aren’t alone. You don’t have to navigate through life by yourself from here on out because your mom isn’t here anymore with you. I want to make sure you understand that. Your mom, she’d want you to know that there are other adults who care about you.”
“I know now,” I say.
She looks happy with my reply. “I’m excited to get to know you a little better, Bodhi. I’ve watched you grow up from afar these last five years. It’s nice to talk to you face to face, and it’s nice to see you with my daughter.”
“Definitely an improvement for me too.”
“So …” she casually says, running her finger around the rim of her cup. “Eva.”
Here it comes. The moment she pulls her mom card out and tells me the strict rules of being with her daughter.
“I want to apologize to you, Bodhi,” she says. “I realize I played a part in what happened these last three years between you and her, and I’m sorry for that.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “I don’t think you did anything intentionally.”
“No,” she agrees. “But I could have handled it all differently, which would have made this all a hell of a lot easier on the two of you.”
I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
“I just want to see her safe and happy,” Mrs. Calloway continues. “Okay? She’s been so unhappy and hurt these last few years …”
“I would never hurt her.” I’m sure she knows this, but I want her to hear it from my mouth. “Never,” I repeat. “But she was hurt, and unhappy. I think even more than either of us will ever realize. Like scary unhappy. Did you not see how bad it was? How much weight she’s lost? You noticed this, right?”
She looks down at her cup. “I did.”
“Why didn’t you get her help?”
She looks up at me. “I tried. She wouldn’t even talk to me. She wouldn’t leave the house, I even brought a therapist to the house, twice. Both times she locked herself in her room and refused to come out for days. Trust me, Bodhi, I know how bad it was. I was there.”
That stings. “I would
have been there too, if it wasn’t for your husband.”
She nods her head. “I know, Bodhi. I’m sorry that he—”
“I’m really trying to not let Eva see how pissed I am,” I cut her off. “I don’t think talking bad about Mr. Calloway in front of her is going to help anything, but three years. He kept us apart for three years, while Eva wasted away in front of you guys. I never would have let that happen. It wouldn’t have happened, had I of been there.”
Mrs. Calloway doesn’t look up from her coffee cup. But she does say again, “I know, Bodhi. I’m sorry.”
Enough with this. I don’t want her to think I’m attacking her. “She’s okay now though. Eva. She will be, at least. I’ll make sure she’s okay and that she stays okay.”
Mrs. Calloway looks concerned. “You would tell me if she wasn’t? She doesn’t share much with me.”
I nod quickly. “I would. I will.”
“Thank you.”
I lean into the counter and rest my elbows on the cold marble. “Can I ask, why’d you keep her past with my grandparents from her?”
Mrs. Calloway looks out the patio door, towards the Halifax, in the direction of the Channing estate. “I’ve never trusted him,” she shakes her head. “From day one when Brayden met him and introduced Eva and I to him when she was five.”
There’s Eva’s answer right there. Her mom doesn’t know how long Mr. Calloway has actually known Mr. Channing.
She continues. “I didn’t tell her, because I didn’t want them to know. Henry and Porter. I didn’t want them to realize how close we were with Rose and Calvin.”
“I can understand that.”
She goes on. “When Calvin and Rose left, slowly Eva stopped talking about them. Years went by, lots of years. I especially didn’t talk about them once Eva started spending time with Porter. She was with them a lot these last couple years, Porter and Henry, and I know they have some sort of grudge towards Calvin and Rose,” she looks up at me. “I’m sorry if this upsets you.”
I look down at my coffee. “The only thing that upsets me is that Eva had to spend time with the Channings, when she didn’t want to.”
Confession Page 22