In a promiscuous environment, men have learned to expect sex no later than the third date. Many may try way earlier. Too bad that they will have zero chance with you. Our two-ninths policy will cause them to see you as useless, a complete waste of time, while the settle-down man will see you as a potential wife. If a man really is ready to settle down, he will not eject before the ninth date, no matter how sexually frustrated he becomes. In fact, such a man will probably wait until marriage to have sex with the woman he sees as his ideal partner.
It’s challenging for me to come up with a universal policy on sex for women who live in different parts of the world. For example, if you’re from a small conservative town, kissing on date two and having sex on date nine may be seen as within the realm of normal and not at all hard for a man to endure. If you’re living in New York City, on the other hand, the two-ninths policy will be exceptionally effective at blocking out fun-stage men. Assuming you live in a medium or large city, the two-ninths policy should provide a substantial delay that is likely to be the longest a man has ever encountered from a woman who is attracted to him. While it’s fine to extend the timeline and delay intimacy even longer, I don’t advise you to shorten it, which may happen unintentionally if you drink alcohol on dates.
If you’re a virgin, you may be wondering if it’s better to wait until marriage before having sex. I personally think that is a great idea, and I would consider marrying a virgin myself if the courtship wasn’t longer than a year, but this is challenging to pull off if you’re not embedded within a religious community. If you’re not a virgin, however, delaying sex until marriage will come across as a charade.
Difficulties may arise if in the past you’ve slept with many random men. If I meet a girl today and she delays sex beyond a few dates, I will investigate her sexual history. In the case I find out that it’s riddled with encounters where she put out quickly, I will drop out, because I will feel cheated if she denies me the physical satisfaction that she willingly gave other men who didn’t put in as much time.
Imagine if a man insists on taking you to McDonald’s for dinner on every date, telling you that he doesn’t want to “waste” money on fine dining. Then you find out that he used to take dates to luxury Michelin-rated restaurants. You’d feel short-changed and think he cares less about you than the other girls he dated. A man feels the same way when it comes to sex.
You may be tempted to lie about your sexual history to overcome this problem. As I mentioned earlier, any lie will be exposed at some point, often when you least expect it, and erode the trust a man has in you to such an extent that he may end the relationship after you’ve invested a lot of time into it. Therefore, if you have engaged in promiscuous behavior and a man calls you out on trying to delay sex, you may lose him upon sharing the truth. This is a risk you must take.
At some point, you’ll need a man to accept your past mistakes, just as you accept his, so I can’t advise you to change the two-ninths policy even if a man thinks it’s unfair, because if you do, you will return to the failed strategy of sleeping with men who aren’t invested in you. You may have to give up on men who demand sex before date nine even if they seem like a good partner. Unless he can give you an ironclad pledge that he’ll stick around if you break your rule for him, why should you do it?
While it’s positive that you’ve learned from your past, you won’t be able to escape it entirely. The more mistakes you’ve made, the more likely you will lose good men, just like how I’ve lost girls because of my public sexual history. That’s the cost of living life. If it makes you feel better, you can blame the sick culture for your past behavior, because that’s what I do!
Besides, if a man is putting intense pressure on you for sex, it may be a warning sign that he’s in his fun stage. Don’t think that succumbing to his pressure will ensure that he sticks around afterwards—it may do the exact opposite and accelerate his departure. The next man who loves you must accept that you’ve made mistakes and learned from them. If he sees you as a potential wife, he will be patient.
What’s great about delaying sex for a long time is that you’ll have nothing to be ashamed of when a man asks you about your sexual history. “I had sex with the last man I dated... on the ninth date… but it didn’t work out.” If a girl told me this, I definitely wouldn’t put her in the fun box, because waiting that long for sex is almost unheard of. It’s much better to get “burned” after ninth-date sober sex than to lose control on the first or second date while inebriated, well before you’ve had time to identify the values of a man and if he’s dedicated to having a serious relationship.
Is it possible for the two-ninths policy to be too long and frustrating for even a good man? Understand that the number-one problem good men have isn’t sex but finding a virtuous woman who doesn’t sleep around. The fact that you don’t drink and are not easy to get into bed will actually excite him into thinking that he has found a woman with the right values. There may be a problem if your sexual history is overly promiscuous, and you will have to disclose it at some point, but if you’re buying a book like this, I imagine your sexual mistakes are minor compared with those of the general female population.
An additional benefit when a man accepts delaying sex is that you no longer have to ask yourself, “Does he like me?” A woman usually asks this question when she becomes physically intimate with a man quickly. Of course she’s unsure whether he’s just using her for sex when it was one of the first things they did together. When you offer a man fast sex and don’t make him invest in you first, he will like you for sex and nothing else. This problem can easily be avoided by waiting nine dates before engaging in any kind of sexual activity. It provides you with evidence that yes, he does like you, yes, he is committing to you, and yes, sex won’t be the primary feature of the relationship. Sex will be important, but the relationship will transcend beyond it.
You can identify how interested a man is more through his actions than his words. Unlike women, we don’t like expressing our emotions. It’s not that we don’t feel, but others can use our feelings as a weapon to attack us. There’s no need to get hung up on why a man is not regularly paying you compliments or verbally expressing his attraction for you as long as he’s reliable and consistent. It would be nice if your man knows how to allay your insecurities, but most men don’t have this ability because it’s unnatural for a hunter to compliment the animal he’s hunting before he has conquered her physically and spiritually. If a man chooses to be with you, that should be enough, and if you insist on forcing him to compliment you or express his feelings, he will come to resent you for it.
One additional concern you may have is that a player might stick around for nine dates only to pump and dump you. If a man is a genuine player, he is most likely to jump ship after the first date once he finds out that you don’t drink or won’t let him kiss you. If he has only a kiss to show for his efforts after hanging around for five dates, he will feel ashamed to tell his player friends that he has yet to get sex, and he will start pushing extra hard by inviting you straight to his apartment or insisting that you drink alcohol. At this point, you’ll have all the information you need.
I’ve known more players than most men, but not a single one has waited until date nine or beyond, got sex, and then never contacted the girl again. I’m sure it has happened at some point in human history, but the odds of it happening are minuscule compared with the typical scenario of a girl drinking alcohol and having sex by the third date.
There are dozens of other details that are relevant when it comes to dating. How should you dress on dates? How quickly should you reply to his text messages or calls? How much interest should you show? What should you talk about? What should you do if he’s not being assertive? What if he’s behaving in a cheap manner? What if you catch him lying about something? What if he’s becoming overly needy and creeping you out? Instead of trying to come up with a rehearsed response for every possible scenario, there are two overarchi
ng principles that you should keep in mind.
The first dating principle is to stick to your pre-determined policy when it comes to intimacy while testing him to ascertain his real values. Do not succumb to his persistent demands for sex, and do not sacrifice your core need of wanting a man who is in his settle-down stage, ready to protect and provide. If you communicate these values, but a man is still far from acting on them, or simply doesn’t get it, you have to abandon ship.
The second dating principle is to stay in the frame of him doing the hunting and you responding with encouragement and feminine energy. While it’s fine to initiate text messages or suggest dates, it’s his job to lead the interaction. This also means not trying to change his personality or habits. Every man is flawed, and during the initial nine dates you will have a good idea of what his flaws are. If his flaws are too big for you to handle, end the relationship. Otherwise, accept them, just as he should accept your flaws.
For example, let’s say he’s texting you a lot of silly things without asking you out. How should you respond? The second principle kicks in, meaning you should withdraw from the interaction if he has had an opportunity to ask you out on a date but has failed to do so. It’s not your job to be the masculine partner.
What if he’s pushing hard for a kiss on the first date when you want to wait until date two? The first principle kicks in, which means you should tell him that it’s too early. If he leaves, then great—you’ve just saved yourself from a potential pump-and-dump.
What if a man tells you he has a stable job but you discover he is unemployed with few future prospects? Since he is far from being able to protect and provide for his woman, the first principle kicks in, indicating that he’s a poor choice. Lying is also a huge red flag that a man is in his fun stage and willing to say anything to get laid.
If you remind yourself of these two dating principles when an issue arises, you’re more likely to make a good decision about what to do next.
The broken way to obtain a commitment is to date someone for an indeterminate amount of time while enjoying no-strings-attached sex and have the “talk” somewhere down the line. A woman who does this may be upset when she discovers that the man she likes, and with whom she has been having sex for months (or years), is not at all interested in monogamy or marriage, but this is to be expected, because why would a man want to take the relationship further when he’s already comfortable and getting what he primarily wants? Such a woman will fail to get him to commit because she didn’t pursue what she truly wanted or identify his values at the very beginning of the relationship.
The better option is to require a commitment to be monogamous, or be firm that sex will take place only once you’re married. If you’re going to ask for a commitment on date nine, make sure the man is of sober mind, because if he’s sexually aroused, he’ll agree to just about anything in order to get you into bed.
Won’t you scare away a man if you require a commitment before sex? To answer this question, we have to ask what a man who is ready to settle down would do if he’s dating a woman he cares about and sees as a potential wife. Would he be scared off on date nine when she states that she wants a commitment before she will sleep with him? No, he would not.
If tomorrow I meet a pretty girl who shares my values, is obviously not promiscuous, wants to sleep with me only, and sees me as a potential husband, I would be pleased with her suggestion, because the last thing I want to do with a potential wife is share her with other men. At the same time, I would agree only if I was absolutely sure we were a good match, which is likely to be the case if we made it to date nine without sex. If I were a woman, I’d want a strong assurance that a man is serious about me and would definitely seek a commitment before having sex. I would rather be burned by a man who breaks his commitment down the road than waste my time with one who never intended to commit in the first place. (In a few pages, I will discuss how to secure a man’s commitment.)
Since you now have a screening process that mercilessly excludes fun-stage men, I expect you not to experience many failures after having sex. Your biggest problem will be that very few men will make it to date nine. This won’t be a surprise, because as I’ve discussed, most men are in their fun stage, and even many men in their settle-down stage won’t feel highly compatible with you, through no fault of your own. Taking my advice means you will need more willpower not to have sex with men you are sexually attracted to but who don’t have any long-term potential. This may mean going long periods without sex, to the point where your female friends implore you to sleep with anyone to break your cold streak. If you listen to them, you will feel guilty after a meaningless sexual encounter and not be any closer to finding the man you want.
Depending on the quality of men in your city, along with its population size, it may take up to two years to enter a committed relationship with a man you’re highly compatible to. I know this is not what you want to hear, especially in a culture that promises quick results, but understand that the kind of man you’re looking for is either already in a relationship or lost in a sea of men who are just trying to get laid. Even worse is that you won’t experience “mini-successes” along the way to stay encouraged, which means you will fail to make it to the critical sex stage with more than 99% of the men you meet before finally succeeding with one. You may feel like a nun at times, and you will certainly be teased by friends.
I advise that you wait at least six months before lowering your standards. The clock should start running once you’ve improved your appearance and begun displaying yourself to potential men through social circles, community networks, and public venues. If you’re finding it difficult to meet good men after six months, the problem may be that you are stuck in the frame of wanting to feel sexually attracted to a man when you meet him. Without even realizing it, you’re dismissing men who don’t create a good first impression. I understand that you don’t want to marry an “ugly” man or one who is unkempt, but you need to probe deeper when you meet men you don’t have an instant attraction for to see whether they have values that are not visible on the surface.
For example, let’s say I see a pretty girl at an outdoor café who’s wearing a revealing shirt and smoking a cigarette. Off the bat, I want to dismiss her as promiscuous, but because she meets my beauty standards, I decide it’s worth having a conversation with her to find out what kind of person she is. If she tells me that she’s trying to quit smoking because her priest advised her to and that she’s wearing her sister’s “awful” shirt because it’s laundry day, I may consider her for a date. The point is not to write off someone immediately if they present yellow flags instead of red ones. If a girl has tattoos and facial piercings, which are definitely red flags for men in their settle-down stage, I would not have a chat with her.
If you’ve been feeding your devil for your entire life, it’s to be expected that you won’t be interested in good men who put out a protector and provider vibe. Your negative perceptions are based on your habits and experiences, not on objective standards of what a good man is. This is why I advise waiting at least six months before you start to widen your funnel for more men to enter it, because the problem may not be the men you’re meeting but that your devil is sabotaging how you view them. Stick to your guns so that your devil weakens enough for you to develop healthier attraction instincts. As long as a man has a decent job and is obviously not in his fun stage, you should give him a chance, even if your first impression of him is not entirely favorable. Set aside snap judgments about his appearance and behavior to look deeper into his values.
A warning sign that you may have to do some serious soul searching is if men in their settle-down stage are consistently passing you up. If you’re meeting a number of men who are hungry for a wife, but they are not choosing you, it’s possible that you are not putting out feminine signals of love, nurturing, and selflessness. Are you presenting yourself as career-oriented? Does your behavior come across as bossy or masculine? Do your s
tories imply that you’re maintaining a fun lifestyle? If you refuse to embrace the feminine, the masculine will not want to embrace you.
If you’re having a rough time after one year, you may start thinking of moving or traveling. This isn’t a bad idea for men because women in third-world countries are more conservative, and travel taps into our innate masculine spirit of exploration and conquest, but it’s still an exceedingly difficult option that can take years to yield meaningful results. Apart from short trips for fun, I wouldn’t advise a man to go “wife hunting” abroad unless he has completely exhausted all other avenues for meeting women in his home country.
In your case, I don’t advise moving or traveling at all, mainly because it is time-consuming. Since your biological clock is ticking much faster than a man’s, you can’t afford to waste years trying to find men in faraway cities or countries who may differ only superficially from the men in the city or town where you live. In addition, foreign men will always view you as easy pickings because of the stereotype that Western women are the most promiscuous in the world. You will attract way more men in their fun stage than in your home city.
Traveling makes sense only if you meet a foreign man in your home city or town and decide to move to his hometown in order to have a family. Otherwise, travel will simply feed your devil. You’ll become caught up in a routine of seeking novelty, taking exciting selfies, and meeting men with sexy accents who seem to be fawning over you and saying romantic things, but who primarily see you as a release for their sexual needs, quickly disappearing once you suggest commitment.
Single And Over 30
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