Down to Sleep

by M K Farrar

He stepped closer and leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Try to relax. Take a bath and get some sleep. If you want anything from the kitchen, just help yourself, okay? Treat this place like your own. I want you to do that.”

  His kindness overwhelmed her, and she found herself blinking back tears. “Okay, thank you, Kyle.”

  “Don’t be silly. It’s the least I can do. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

  He turned and left, and there came the click of a key turning in the lock. Seconds later, the Audi’s engine started, and the sound faded as Kyle drove down the road.

  She frowned. Did he just lock her in here?

  Natalie went to the front door and tried the handle. Yes, it was locked.

  Unease swam through her.

  He probably hadn’t done it intentionally. It was one of those things a person did automatically, like when you’re driving to one place and you end up in another because you always take that other route.

  She hurried through the house to the back door and tried it as well. To her relief, the door opened. The garden was surrounded by six-feet-high fencing, but if there was an emergency, she was sure she’d be able to get over it. If he’d actually wanted to lock her in, he would have locked the back door, too.

  Why the hell would he want to lock you in? You’re being paranoid.

  It was hardly surprising she was on edge, considering what she’d seen last night. There were some bad people out there—she’d learned that from an early age.

  Natalie pulled the back door shut again. How long would Kyle be? A couple of hours? More? She wasn’t really hungry, but she did need a shower. A bath would have been more relaxing, but she was aware of wanting to sleep as well, and a bath would take longer.

  In the end, she made herself a cup of tea and then went up to the bedroom, where the en suite was located. Not wanting to get into bed with wet hair—and unsure if Kyle would even own a hairdryer—she got into the shower and washed her body. Maybe she should have waited until he’d come back with the clean clothes.

  She got out and wrapped a towel around herself and went back into the bedroom. She definitely didn’t want to get into bed completely naked, but she didn’t want to put on a pair of dirty knickers either.

  Cautiously, she pulled open a couple of drawers of the dresser to reveal neatly folded clothes. Quickly rummaging through, she found a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt she could borrow.

  She pulled on Kyle’s t-shirt and shorts, and feeling cleaner and refreshed, she slid beneath the sheets. Each time she squeezed her eyes shut, all she could see was blood, but she was exhausted, and eventually sleep won.

  SHE WAS SITTING ON the wall of the stone bridge, cold water rushing and gurgling beneath her. She didn’t want to be here; she already knew that. Something bad was going to happen, and all she wanted was to swing her legs off the side of the wall and onto the narrow road that crossed over the bridge and run until her legs gave out and her lungs burned.

  Someone was sitting beside her, but she kept her gaze fixed on the churning water below. If she looked, all her worst fears would come true, and she didn’t think she was strong enough to handle that.

  The person next to her shifted closer, and she kept her face angled away, trying to block them out.

  The sun warmed her shoulders and the top of her head. It was such a beautiful day, especially for this time of year. How could something so awful happen on a day like this?

  But it was going to happen, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

  The weight of a cold hand landed on her thigh, fingers digging into her skin, squeezing hard enough to hurt. She couldn’t have moved even if she’d wanted to. She was frozen in place, glued to this spot on the wall.

  Still she kept her face averted, focusing instead on the copse of trees on the other side of the river.

  Someone was there! A figure obscured by the tree trunks and the thick black shadows beneath the foliage. She’d have missed it if she hadn’t been looking in that direction. Who was that? She couldn’t see, but she wanted to open her mouth and call to them for help. If someone else stepped in, maybe things would go differently this time.

  Do you want them to go differently? Do you want a life where Anthony is still alive?

  She couldn’t picture how that would have been, but her mind seemed to jolt, as though trying to rearrange itself with different memories. Memories of an existence that had never happened. Would he have gone through with his threats? Would she have been forced to lie back, his hand covering her mouth to muffle her crying, while he took what he wanted? It would have been a choice between suffering through that or having him go to their parents and tell them that she had come on to him, that she was the bad one—the sick pervert. Her parents would have been heartbroken and disgusted and would never have wanted to see her again.

  But did that justify murder?

  It wasn’t murder. It was an accident, that was all. He’d lost his balance.

  No, he didn’t. You pushed him.

  She didn’t want to admit it to herself, but it was the truth.

  No. None of that had happened yet. She was still in a time before. She could change things now.

  The person sitting beside her pressed themselves closer, their hot breath against her cheek.

  Her paralysis suddenly broke, and she threw herself backwards, tumbling down onto the road behind her.

  Where she’d been sitting on the wall, a figure rose to their full height. The shadow fell over her, and she squinted, the sun a white blare of light behind them. The figure seemed so much bigger—a giant towering over her. Terror clutched at her soul, but somewhere, beneath her fear, the rational part of her mind spoke to her.

  Push him. If you want to be free, you have to push him again.

  Yes, that was her truth. No matter how badly she’d felt about herself, no matter what pain and grief she’d caused the two people in her life who she proclaimed to love more than anyone, if she had to make the choice all over again, she’d still push him off the wall.

  With a shriek of anguish and fear—and somewhere deep down, with bittersweet vengeance, too—she threw herself forward and shoved at the figure on the wall with all her strength.

  The person staggered back and teetered on the edge, just as he’d done all those years ago. Only now, a cloud had crossed the sun, and she was able to see clearly again.

  Her heart lurched. It wasn’t Anthony teetering on the edge of the wall, but Kyle.

  No!

  She lunged for him, planning to grab his arm and pull him back to safety, but their skin was slippery with sweat, and she couldn’t hold on.

  She registered something in his eyes. Not fear or regret.

  But something that said: You’ll be sorry...

  Chapter Fourteen

  Natalie burst from her nightmare, her skin coated in sweat, her heart pounding. She’d had that same nightmare countless times before, but never had it been someone else she was pushing. It had always been Anthony. The same moral dilemma had been there, though, that feeling that she could change things in real life if she only made another choice.

  She always chose to push him.

  What kind of person did that make her? Not only was she capable of killing him in real life, if she had to make the decision again, she’d do the same.

  It wasn’t real, though. It was only a dream. Maybe if she was faced with that choice in real life, she’d do things differently. She’d let him live and just walk away, disappear and change her name, and never put her adoptive parents through the heartache of losing their beloved son.

  If he was like that as a teenager, what kind of man would he have made? If she’d done nothing, would she be reading of the rape of some young girl and discover he was the offender, and that she’d known what he was like and had done nothing to stop it? But she’d condemned him for a crime he had never committed. He might have grown out of it and gone on to live a respectable life.

  What about the crime he commit
ted against you?

  She didn’t know why, but that he’d been hurting her didn’t seem as important as if he’d been hurting someone else.

  Natalie gave up on trying to sleep and went down into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. Sleep was supposed to be an escape, not a route for punishment.

  It still felt strange being inside Kyle’s home when he wasn’t here. It was good that he trusted her enough to leave her here alone. Plenty of men wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving a woman they’d only known for a short while by themselves in their house, thinking they’d use the time to rifle through drawers and cupboards. She guessed he didn’t feel like he had anything to hide, which could only be a good thing.

  The front door unlocked with a click, and she jumped, her heart racing.

  “Hey,” Kyle called out. “Only me.”

  “In here,” she replied, folding her arms across her chest and shivering. She suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable.

  He barrelled through, his arms full of shopping bags. He was smiling, but caught sight of her and frowned. “Everything all right?”

  She forced a smile. “As right as they can be, considering.”

  “Yes, of course. That was a stupid thing to say.”

  “You know, you locked the front door when you went out.”

  He frowned and glanced back, as though he would still find it locked. “Did I?”

  “Yes, I heard it lock and then I went and checked. It was definitely locked.”

  “God, sorry. I was just on autopilot. My head was all over the place.” His frown deepened. “You were okay, though, weren’t you? I mean, you could have got out if there was a fire or some other kind of emergency.”

  “Yes, of course. The back door was open.”

  He leaned in and kissed her on the head. “Good. No need to worry then. Although, you could always have called my mobile and I would have come back and opened it, if you were worried.”

  “My phone was dead, and I couldn’t find your house phone.”

  “Yeah, sorry. The computer is plugged into the landline, so I only have my mobile. I don’t have a normal phone.”

  She felt like she was making a big deal out of nothing. “I wasn’t worried. Everything was fine. I just thought I’d mention it.”

  He dumped the bags on the kitchen island. “Hopefully these will cheer you up.”

  Natalie eyed the bags curiously. They were from one of the big department stores.

  “Go on then,” he encouraged her. “Take a look. I hope you like them.”

  She pulled the nearest bag towards her and opened it up. It contained a pair of polyester, cream trousers, the kind with a crease down the front of each leg.

  “Oh, wow.” She didn’t know what else to say. This wasn’t the kind of thing she’d normally wear at all.

  Her stomach tightened with anxiety as she reached into the second bag and took out the contents. In her hand was a high-neck, ribbed jumper like her mother would wear. It was striped in cream and dark blue, the cream matching the tan colour of the trousers. The other bags contained almost identical outfits.

  “What do you think?” He was practically bouncing up and down with enthusiasm, clearly proud of himself.

  “They’re...nice.”

  She didn’t know what else to say. He had clearly not picked up on her discomfort. What was wrong with a nice pair of jeans and a T-shirt? It wasn’t as though he’d ever seen her wearing these kinds of clothes before.

  “I’m so pleased you like them,” he said. “I tried to picture everything I saw on you and I thought these would be perfect.”

  He’d also brought her a clean set of underwear. The knickers were big, white, and definitely not her usual kind of lacy garment. Luckily, he hadn’t attempted to buy her a new bra. She couldn’t even begin to think how that would have turned out.

  They hadn’t known each other long, but surely, he’d be able to see that this wasn’t the sort of thing she would wear.

  He’s just a man. I can’t have expected him to know much about women’s fashion.

  It wasn’t as though she was into fashion or anything, but she tried to make an effort. Kyle looked so pleased with himself, she felt she didn’t have any choice but to try the clothes on.

  She went upstairs and slipped into the bedroom. Though there were several outfits, she decided to go with the first one. With her stomach in knots, she put on the trousers. The fabric was slightly scratchy. Then she dragged the jumper over her head. It covered her right from her waist up to underneath her chin.

  Natalie stared at herself in the full-length mirror. The clothes had just aged her ten years, but she couldn’t complain about it. He’d gone to all that effort to get them for her and, considering what had happened last night, she didn’t think it was really a big deal.

  Self-conscious, she went downstairs to show Kyle the outfit. She hoped he’d see her and realise how wrong he’d got it. She stood in front of him and tugged at the sleeves of the jumper, but his face lit up in a smile, and he nodded approvingly.

  “Perfect,” he declared. “I got the fit just right.”

  She laughed awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

  “Oh, and one more thing.” He reached into another bag and took out an item. “I thought you might need this.”

  She took it and glanced down. It was a new charger for her phone.

  “Oh my God. Thank you so much.”

  The clothes almost forgotten, she kissed him hard.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The following day, Kyle had already left the house before she’d even woken up. She found a note on the pillow beside her head.

  Sorry! Work meetings all day. See you when I get back. Miss you already. K.

  Natalie let out a sigh and stretched, then wondered what she was going to do with her day.

  Her car was still parked on the street outside her flat. She was going to need the car to get to and from work. She could wait until Kyle got back and see if he’d give her a lift to go and pick it up, but she didn’t like being so reliant on him. He’d already done so much for her. She’d been more than capable of catching the bus around the city before she’d met him, and she was still capable of doing it now.

  She could figure out what buses she needed to take to get as close to her neighbourhood as possible, and then she’d have to walk the rest from there.

  Assuming he hadn’t locked her in, of course.

  She nipped out of bed, got dressed, and went to the front door. This time, it opened with ease, and, when she shut it again, she saw it locked automatically, making it accessible only for someone on the inside. She frowned. If it locked automatically when it was shut, why had he felt the need to deadlock it when he’d left the house, locking the door from the inside as well?

  He was probably just extra security conscious—which was why he’d been so bothered about her living back where she had.

  When she left to pick up the car, she’d have to shut the door behind her. He’d not given her a key yet, so she wouldn’t be able to get back in until he arrived home. She’d have to keep herself entertained until then.

  Thirty minutes later, she was on the bus, heading into the city centre. From there, she switched buses and caught the one that took her nearest to her old flat. At her old stop, she jumped off the bus and proceeded to walk the well-known route back to her place.

  Her stomach knotted with each step closer to her road, and when she finally turned the corner and stepped onto it, she could barely bring herself to lift her head.

  The police were gone, though blue tape warning ‘police, do not cross’ was still blocking the front door of the building.

  She didn’t even want to glance at her flat, never mind the one above. How did the other neighbours feel about living so close, knowing what had happened? At least they hadn’t seen anything more than the aftermath—the police and the ambulance arriving, the bodies wheeled out on stretchers, but their faces and all the blood was neatly hidden ben
eath the body bags. It was different for her. She’d seen everything, and it was something she’d never forget.

  How could she go back to living here when she couldn’t even bring herself to look at the place? Her lease was up in the next month or so. She hoped she’d get her deposit back. She hadn’t done anything to damage the place, but she knew what private landlords were like. He’d make up some excuse about the place needing a professional clean and he’d need to keep a good chunk of her deposit to do it.

  It seemed silly to worry about such things after what Mina and Sajad must have gone through, but they were her worries, and she couldn’t help it. Maybe she could go back to Devon and move back in with her parents, but she felt sick with anxiety at the thought. She loved them both with all her heart, but she was twenty-five years old, and there was nothing there for her anymore. There were no jobs within the little village, and she’d have to commute out to one of the larger cities, like Exeter or even Plymouth, so she might as well stay in Bristol.

  Except I would have to move back into the flat.

  Or she could stay with Kyle.

  While it was a lovely thought in principal, she couldn’t stay with him forever. It wasn’t healthy for a relationship to get as intense as theirs had done over just a couple of weeks. Besides, it was only meant to be for a short time while she got herself sorted. She knew he wasn’t comfortable with her living in this area, though—in fact, nothing about her life seemed to make him comfortable. He didn’t like her job either. No, that wasn’t fair. He’d been really great about meeting her parents, and his response when he’d found out at least part of the truth about Anthony and her being adopted. Some men would have got irritable and defensive about her not telling them the full truth—or at least what they knew to be the full truth—and he’d been nothing but understanding. He’d been brilliant about coming out to pick her up in the middle of the night as well, after she’d found the bodies. She needed to stop being so critical. After all, she was far from perfect herself.

  Curtains twitched in the properties either side of the road. Word would have got around by now that she was the one who’d found the bodies, and they’d all want to get all the gory details off her. She needed to get out of here before enquiring minds started tapping on her car window.