Undeniable

by Maya Banks

  “That’s wonderful,” he said huskily.

  But her expression said it was anything but wonderful. She looked as though she was battling tears.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” she said in a choked voice.

  Alarm blistered up his spine and rammed into the base of his skull. “What do you mean?”

  She rose and it was all he could do not to tie her to the damn sofa because he had a sudden sense that she was slipping away from him in more ways than one.

  Her hands shook but she exerted admirable control over her emotions as she courageously faced him down.

  “This marriage. You asked how long it would take to determine whether it would work. The truth is, it was never going to work. It’s taken me this long to realize it, but I deserve more. We both do. You deserve to find a woman you can love and that you won’t be manipulated into marrying. I deserve a man who adores me and wants to be married to me. Someone who won’t try to change me. Someone who accepts me, faults and all. Someone who loves flighty, impulsive Ashley and isn’t embarrassed by her.”

  Tears clouded her eyes and her voice grew thick with emotion. “I thought… I thought I could make you love me, Dev. It was a mistake from the beginning to even try. It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I can’t be someone I’m not even if it meant you’d eventually love the new me. Because it wouldn’t be Ashley you loved. It would be someone I made up and all the while the real Ashley would be standing there, unloved. I can’t do that to myself. And I can’t do it to my child. I want to be a woman and a mother I can be proud of first. Before anyone else. I have to love and be at peace with myself, and you know what? I am. I liked me just fine. Was I perfect? No, but I was happy in my own skin and my family and friends accept that person. Someday there’ll be a man who’ll accept me, too. Until then, I’d rather be alone and true to myself than with someone who places conditions on his ability to love and accept me.”

  So stunned was he by her declaration that he stood while she walked quietly toward the door. When he realized she’d already slipped by him, he whirled around, calling her name, the lump in his throat so huge that it came out as a mere croak.

  But the door had already closed quietly behind her, leaving him standing there so numb…and broken.

  Dread consumed him. The realization, the true realization of just what he’d done threatened to completely unravel him. Oh, God. What had he done?

  His legs buckled and would no longer sustain his weight. He staggered back onto the couch and slumped forward, burying his face in his hands.

  She was right and so very wrong all at the same time. The realization was as clear to him as if someone had hit him over the head with it.

  He’d destroyed something infinitely precious and he’d never forgive himself for it. He didn’t deserve forgiveness.

  Dear God, was this what he’d done to her? She’d come into his office and delivered the news of her pregnancy in a dispassionate fashion, as if she were telling him that she had a dentist appointment or that she was buying new shoes.

  Where she’d once jumped up and down and squealed her joy over her cousin’s pregnancy and vowed she’d do the same over her own pregnancy, she’d related the news with dead eyes and a broken spirit.

  He’d done that to her. No one else. Him and his highhanded, arrogant opinions of how she should act or not act. He’d taken something beautiful and precious and had spit on it.

  He’d suffocated a ray of sunshine and sucked every bit of joy and life from her.

  Cam was right. Eric was right. Ashley was right. He didn’t deserve her. They’d seen clearly what he’d blithely ignored. In his arrogance, he’d assumed he was right and that he knew what was best for Ashley.

  He had tried to change her. And she was bloody perfect just as she was. He hadn’t even realized how much he’d missed all the things he professed to be annoyed over. The random calls at work just to say she loved him. The sudden attacks of affection when she’d throw her arms around him. Her exuberance around others.

  She hadn’t cleaned and organized their apartment because she felt like it. She’d eradicated every hint of her presence there because she’d thought that’s what he wanted. She’d tried to become this image of the perfect wife to please him. He himself had thought he wanted her to.

  The cooking. The endless trying to kill herself to please him. She’d gone from a vibrant breath of fresh air to a subdued, beaten-down shadow of her former self.

  She no longer sparkled. All because he was the biggest ass on the face of the planet.

  His pulse ratcheted up and the sick feeling inside him grew as he realized just how long it had been since she’d said she loved him. Since she’d demonstrated any outward affection for him. Since she’d simply smiled and seemed happy.

  Tears burned his eyelids. He’d taken something so very beautiful and he’d crushed it. He’d rejected her love. The very gift of herself. He’d arrogantly told her in essence that she wasn’t good enough for him. That he knew better. That she wasn’t worthy of him.

  A low moan escaped him. Not good enough for him? He wasn’t good enough to lick her boots.

  In clear and startling detail, he realized what perhaps he’d fought from the very first moment he laid eyes on Ashley. He loved her. Not the new, subdued Ashley. He loved the impulsive, passionate, sparkly Ashley. And the very thing he loved the most was what he’d tried to kill.

  Rafe and Ryan had nothing on him when it came to being complete and utter bastards to the women who loved them. Devon had surpassed any amount of sin a man committed against someone they claimed to care for.

  How could he possibly expect Ashley to forgive him when he’d never be able to forgive himself?

  She was pregnant with his child and she was leaving him.

  He didn’t deserve her. He should let her walk away and find someone who adored her beyond reason and would never ever treat her as he had.

  But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be that selfless. He adored her beyond reason and if it took the rest of his damn life, he would make it up to her for every wrong he’d done to her.

  But first he had to make damn sure she didn’t walk out of his life forever.

  CHAPTER 19

  Ashley tugged the coat tighter around her as she stepped from the cab in front of her parents’ apartment building. She had no desire to face them today but she needed to get it over with and she wanted the comfort only her mother could provide.

  Devon had already called her cell a dozen times until finally she’d shut it off so it would stop ringing. She’d expected resistance. She was fortunate that she’d caught him off guard enough that she’d been able to get out of his office without much fuss.

  But now he would want to talk to her. No doubt he’d give her another lecture about being impulsive and reckless and whatever other adjectives he’d want to assign to her. Then he’d inform her that there was no reason they couldn’t have an enjoyable marriage, blah, blah, blah.

  She wanted more than some damn enjoyable marriage. She wanted…awesome. She wanted a man who loved her and celebrated her for who she was. Maybe she’d never have it. But she damn sure wasn’t going to settle for someone her father had bribed to marry her.

  Which was another reason she’d come to her parents’ apartment. Because first she was going to tell her father to stop interfering in her life. Then she wanted a hug from her mother.

  She walked into the apartment and took off her coat. “Mom?” she called. “Daddy?”

  Gloria Copeland hurried out of the kitchen and smiled her welcome. “Hi, darling. What brings you over today? I wish you’d called. I would have made sure I had tea ready.”

  “Where’s Daddy?” Ashley asked quietly. “I need to talk to him. To you both, actually.”

  Gloria frowned. “I’ll go get him. Is something wrong?”

  “You could say that.”

  Alarm flashed across her mother’s face. “Go sit down in the living room. We’ll be ri
ght there.”

  Her mom hurried away and Ashley made her way into the spacious living room. Instead of sitting, she went to the fireplace, grateful for the warmth. She was cold on the inside and it felt as though she’d never be warm again.

  A moment later, she heard the footsteps of her parents and she turned slowly to face them.

  “Ashley, baby, what’s wrong?” her father asked sharply.

  Both her mother and her father stood a short distance away, impatient and worried. She drew a deep breath and took the plunge. “I’ve left Devon and I’m pregnant.”

  Gloria gasped and put her hand to her mouth. William’s eyes narrowed and he frowned. “What the hell happened?”

  “You happened,” she said bitterly. “How could you, Daddy? How could you manipulate us both that way?”

  Her father threw up his arm in anger and swore. “Damn it, I told him not to tell you.”

  “He didn’t. I found out on my wedding night. Can you possibly imagine how awful it was to find out on my wedding night that my father had all but bought and paid for my husband?”

  “William, what on earth is she talking about?” Gloria asked in bewilderment.

  It relieved Ashley that at least her mother hadn’t known. She wouldn’t have been able to handle the double deception.

  “He made me part of the Tricorp deal,” Ashley said with more calm than she felt. “He forced Devon to marry me or the deal was off the table.”

  “Damn it, it wasn’t like that,” her father bit out. “You make it sound like…” He dragged a hand through his hair and closed his eyes wearily. “I just wanted what was best for you. I thought Devon would take care of you. He seemed perfect for you.”

  “I can take care of myself. I don’t need a man to do that. I want a man who wants me for who I am, not because my father waves a lucrative deal in front of him. I want someone who loves me.”

  “Oh darling,” Gloria said, finally finding her voice. She rushed forward and enfolded Ashley in her arms. “I’m so very sorry. How awful for you. I had no idea.”

  Ashley closed her eyes, absorbing the love and acceptance she’d been denied with Devon.

  Her mom pulled away and gently stroked a hand through Ashley’s hair. “What about you being pregnant? When did you find out?”

  “I went to the doctor this morning. Then I went to see Devon.”

  “Ashley, are you sure about this?” William asked. “I don’t believe for a moment that Devon doesn’t care about you. Think about what you’re doing here, honey. Do you really want to throw everything away because of the way you met? I understand your anger and I take full responsibility. Devon never wanted to deceive you. It was me from the start.”

  She had to take a moment as she battled tears. “He doesn’t like the real me. He thinks I’m flighty, irresponsible, impulsive, too trusting. He wants to change everything about me. How can you possibly think this is a man I’d want to be with? Is that really who you’d want your daughter married to? What would that teach my daughter if I stay with a man who doesn’t value me? How can I expect her to have any self-respect if her mother doesn’t?”

  Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulders and glared her husband down with furious eyes. “I can’t believe you did this, William. What in the hell were you thinking? You may as well have told your daughter that she doesn’t matter. You’ve pulled some stupid stunts in your time, but this takes the cake.”

  William sighed. “Ashley, please don’t be angry with me. I only wanted the best for you. You’re my only daughter and I just wanted to see your future secured. I thought that you and Devon would make a sound match. I was wrong and I’m sorrier than you can possibly imagine.”

  “You aren’t pulling the plug on this deal,” Ashley said in a low voice. “You won’t punish Devon because he can’t love me. If you think he’s the best choice for the business then leave me out of it. I’d appreciate being able to make my own choices in the future, free of manipulation.”

  “I do love you, baby. Please believe that. I never meant to hurt you. Devon tried to tell me but I wouldn’t listen. I thought I knew better. He wanted me to tell you everything. He didn’t want to deceive you but I tied his hands and for that I’m sorry.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. Who knew what may have happened if they’d just been left alone?

  William hesitantly pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight. “You know you can count on me and your mother to help you with whatever you need, and we’ll be here for the baby when it comes.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “And I love you too, Daddy. Just let me make my own mistakes from now on. Your heart was in the right place but now I’ve fallen in love with a man who can never love the real me.”

  He slowly released her and her mom pulled her into another hug. “Do you want me to send someone over for your things? You know you can stay here as long as you like.”

  Ashley shook her head. “I’m going to stay with Pippa for a bit until I figure out what my next step is. I need to find a better job. I have a child to consider now. Devon is right about one thing. It’s time to pull my head out of the clouds and grow up.”

  * * *

  How long could she possibly avoid him? Devon paced his office, though he hadn’t gotten any work done in the three days since Ashley had walked out on him. He hadn’t slept. He’d worn out his phone trying to call her. He’d called her friends, her parents, every family member he had a number for.

  The reception had been understandably chilly.

  He didn’t care. He had no pride where Ashley was concerned. He didn’t care if he came across as the most pathetic, lovesick guy who’d ever lived. He just wanted her back. He wanted her stuff strewn all over his apartment. He wanted to be able to smell her as soon as he walked into a room. He wanted her to be happy again. He wanted her to smile.

  When he wasn’t at the office, he was at the apartment, waiting. She hadn’t returned. Not even to get her things. All her clothes were still neatly hung in the closet. Her shoes—and there were a ton of shoes—were stacked in boxes on the shelves in his closet. Ashley never went anywhere without her shoes and the fact that she still hadn’t returned to the apartment worried him.

  If only she’d answer her damn phone. Or one of the hundreds of texts he’d sent her. He just wanted to know she was all right. Worry was eating a hole in his gut. She was pregnant. What if she had another one of her headaches? Who would take care of her?

  Eric had said she had frequent headaches when she was unhappy. Devon had made her miserable. Her medication was also at the apartment but surely she couldn’t take it now that she was pregnant. He could at least hold her, rub her head, make sure it was cool and dark in the room.

  If she would just talk to him. Just give him a chance to tell her how much he loved her. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the sunshine she brought into his life until it was gone. Snuffed out over careless, thoughtless words he’d thrown at her.

  His cell rang and he scrambled for it, nearly dropping it in his haste to see if it was Ashley calling. Disappointment nearly flattened him when he saw it was Rafael. With a heavy sigh, he put the phone to his ear and muttered a low hello.

  “It’s a girl!” Rafael said in a jubilant voice. “A beautiful six-pound, twelve-ounce baby girl. She was born an hour ago.”

  Devon’s eyes closed and he swallowed back the bitter disappointment. He was so envious of his friend in this moment that it took everything he had not to throw the phone at the wall.

  “Hey man, that’s great. How is Bryony doing?”

  “Oh she’s wonderful. What a trooper. I’m so damn proud of her. She breezed right through labor. I think she was a hell of a lot stronger than I was. I was ready to fall over by the time the little one made her appearance. But boy, is she gorgeous. Looks just like her mama.”

  Devon could practically hear Rafael beaming through the phone.

  “Give her my love,” Devon said. “I’m happy for both of yo
u.”

  “Is everything okay, Dev? You sound like hell if you don’t mind me saying.”

  Devon hesitated. He didn’t want to dump on Rafael on the day his daughter was born, but he was at the end of his rope and he could use any advice he could get.

  “No,” he said bluntly. “Ashley’s pregnant and she left me.”

  “Whoa. Back up a minute. Holy crap. I thought she was head over heels in love with you? What the hell happened? And damn, you move fast. How far along is she?”

  “I have no idea,” Devon said in a weary voice. “I don’t know anything. She came to my office three days ago, told me she was pregnant and then announced she was leaving me.”

  “Ouch. That blows, man. I’m sorry to hear it. Is there anything I can do?”

  Devon sank into his chair and rotated around so he could watch the falling snow through the window. “Yeah, you can give me some advice. I have to get her back, Rafe.”

  There was a prolonged silence. Then Rafael blew out his breath. “Okay, well the first question. Do you love her? Or is this more of a ‘you’re not leaving me because you’re pregnant and we should stay married’ type thing?”

  Devon swore. “I love her. I screwed up but I love her. Not that she’ll ever believe me. I messed up so bad with her, Rafe. I make you and Ryan look like choirboys.”

  “Oh boy. That’s bad. That’s really, really bad.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you like a certain gentleman once told me when I was standing around with my thumb up my ass wondering how the hell I was going to get Bryony to forgive me. Either go big or go home.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you need to pull out the big guns. Do something huge. Make a gesture she can’t possibly misunderstand. And then get on your knees and grovel. Trust me. The first time on your knees sucks, but if she takes you back, you’ll spend the rest of your life on them anyway so better get used to it now.”

  “If she’ll take me back, I’ll gladly stay on them,” Devon muttered.