Little Lies

by H Hunting

  Even worse, he looks absolutely gleeful over it.

  I yank my coat from the hook and shrug into it jerkily. My legs still feel like Jell-O. I point at him. “Never again.”

  He shakes his head and nods once, smiling. “Never.”

  He’s going to want to do this every chance he gets.

  I sling my backpack over my shoulder, take a deep breath, and open the door enough to slip out, closing it behind me. I keep my head down and find the nearest bathroom. I’m a total wreck.

  I do my best to make myself presentable, but I can’t get rid of my red cheeks or the blotchy patches on my neck. Kodiak is waiting for me outside the bathroom, looking ridiculously smug and smelling a lot like eau de vagina. There is no way I’m leaving through the main entrance with me looking the way I do and him wearing that expression. I leave the book I was supposed to check out behind. I’ll have to come back for it when I’m less mortified.

  I brush by Kodiak, and he automatically links his pinkie with mine. “Where we goin’?”

  “Out one of the side doors. It’s closer to your class, which you need to be at in”—I point at the wall—“sixteen minutes if that clock is correct.” The exit is also not frequently used, so we’re less likely to run into people. Besides, I passed a group of girls who I know from my psych course before I ran into Kodiak, and I would like to avoid them post-orgasm.

  I take the stairs as quickly as my short legs will carry me, Kodiak’s pinkie still linked with mine. When we get to the last flight, I glance down between the railings and catch a glimpse of a couple in what looks like a very heated make-out session. And upon closer inspection, I’m pretty sure half of the couple is Josiah. They’re so engrossed in each other, that they must not hear us.

  “What time does your class end?” I ask rather loudly as we descend the final flight.

  They jump apart, and I almost trip down the last four steps. Because the other half of that couple is my twin.

  THE FOUR OF us stand there for a few long seconds, staring at one another. Well, I assume Kodiak is staring, but he’s behind me, so I can’t know for sure. He bends and kisses me on the cheek, whispering in my ear, “I gotta get to class. You gonna be okay?”

  I nod, aware he has a test and can’t be late.

  “I’ll see you at your place after class. Text me if you need me.” He traces a figure eight on the side of my neck, tips my chin up, and presses his lips to mine. “Josiah, River.” He gives them a nod and disappears out the door and into the sunshine, leaving me alone with my brother and Josiah, who both look cagey as fuck.

  River begins, “Lav, it’s not—”

  Josiah’s head snaps in his direction, and he pins my brother with the same look he gave Kodiak when he made it rain dicks in my bedroom and acted like a territorial asshole.

  River’s expression is pained and conflicted.

  “I’m not going to be some secret you’re ashamed of,” Josiah says quietly. He turns to me. “I wanted to tell you, but River was adamant he be the one.” He takes a couple of steps toward the door. “Call me when you’re tired of hiding in your closet.”

  “’Siah.” River reaches out, but Josiah shakes his head, and River’s hand falls limply to his side.

  “Sorry, Lavender. This is not how I wanted you to find out.” Josiah pushes through the door, leaving me and River alone in a stairwell that smells like guilt, shame, desire, and cologne.

  I lean against the railing and set aside my feelings about River and Josiah keeping this from me, so I can deal with my twin. “You do realize this isn’t a surprise, right?”

  River’s gaze shifts to meet mine. How he manages to have a furrowed brow and wide eyes is beyond me.

  I raise a finger and clarify. “I mean, the fact that it’s Josiah is a surprise, but you being gay, or bi, or however you choose to identify, isn’t.”

  His gaze darts around before it finally settles on me again. “Gay. I’m gay.”

  Based on Josiah’s reaction, this isn’t a random hookup. “You know you don’t have to hide who you are from me, right? I’m always going to love and accept you, no matter what.”

  He nods, but the sound of a door opening somewhere in the stairwell above us prevents him from responding.

  “Wanna get a coffee?” I ask.

  “Shots would be better.”

  “I’m done with class for the day, so we can go home and you can do shots and we can talk?”

  He nods.

  Twenty minutes later, we’re at the house. I’m no longer wearing ripped tights and damp underwear, and my brother and I are sitting on my bed, both of us drinking coolers even though it’s the middle of the afternoon.

  “So when did you and Josiah become a thing?” I figure I can start with the easier questions.

  “A couple of weeks into the semester, I guess. I met him last year at some party, but nothing really came of it until I saw him again. He figured out pretty quick that you and I were related because my name isn’t all that common.” He takes a huge gulp of cooler and blows out a breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I felt shitty about it—I feel shitty about it—but it’s so fucking complicated.”

  “Complicated how? As far as I can see, it’s pretty simple. You like him, he likes you, and that’s that.”

  “We live in a neighborhood full of hockey players and jocks, Lavender. How do you think it’s gonna go over if I have a boyfriend and I’m on the football team?”

  “Shouldn’t we all be past that archaic line of thinking?” I’m not asking to be a jerk; I really don’t have the answer.

  “Should we? Yes. Are we? No. It’s better than it used to be, but it’s still not going to be easy.”

  “Nothing worth fighting for is easy, River.”

  “I know.”

  He holds his index finger out, and I link mine with it. “There’s a but coming.”

  “What if our friends aren’t cool with it? What about Mom and Dad?”

  “If our friends aren’t cool with it, they weren’t good friends in the first place. And our parents just want us to be happy. Mom isn’t going to care one way or the other, but I’m sure you’ll get a talk on safe anal or something ridiculously embarrassing. And as for Dad, I think more than anything, he wants to understand you and find a way to connect with you. I know that hasn’t been easy. Give him a chance to do that. Give us all a chance. We love you unconditionally. Let us prove it.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  “I figured you would when you were ready.” So much makes sense about the past couple of months—the not coming home, his excessive reclusiveness, the distance between us. “And now that I know, maybe we can do the double-date thing. Or at least you can bring Josiah here.” I bolt upright. “Oh my God. That night Josiah was here to help me with econ, were you two already a thing?”

  River’s cheeks go red. “Uh, yeah. I was kinda surprised to see him, to be honest—and worried he was going to out me.”

  “Wow.” I relax back into my pillow. Part of me wants to feel hurt that they’ve been going behind my back this entire time, but I get why it’s been difficult for River. He’s always been guarded with our dad. I used to think it was because of me, but I realize there are far more layers to my twin that he’s kept hidden all these years. “So are you, like, in love with Josiah?”

  River shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe? I like him a lot, and he’s been really patient with me. Up until now, anyway.”

  “Well, if you want it to work, maybe you should call him and invite him over so you can talk it through.”

  His finger tightens around mine. “You mean here?”

  I squeeze back. “It’s a good way to show him you’re serious and that you care, don’t you think?”

  “You’ll be around in case things don’t go well?”

  My heart breaks for my twin, aware that he carries everyone else’s perceived expectations and his own fear of failure and disappointment around like a burden he can’
t shake. And now, more than ever, I understand why it’s been easier for me to be his focus. That way he didn’t have to face his own truth and deal with it.

  “Of course,” I tell him. “But I’m thinking if he’s been patient with you up until now, he’ll be willing to hear you out.”

  “Okay, I’ll invite him over.” He pulls me into a tight hug and mumbles, “Trampoline.”

  “Safe to fall.” I’m glad for once I get to be his soft place to land, instead of the other way around.

  Present day

  WEEKS BLEED INTO each other, the holidays quickly approaching. As excited as I am for the break, I’m not really looking forward to two weeks during which I won’t be able to sleep next to Kodiak. We’ve gotten used to spending most nights together, other than his overnight away games or my occasional sleepovers at Lovey and Lacey’s—which often coincide with each other.

  Finals are coming up, and even with Kodiak’s help, I’m barely passing my economics course. But at least I am passing, and I’ll never have to take it again after this. It’s a chilly December morning, snow swirling frantically in the biting wind as I head for the quad. Lovey and Lacey are already in the café, and Kodiak and BJ are supposed to meet up with us for coffee before we all go to our next classes.

  I duck my head to protect my face from the biting wind. My eyes water, thanks to the way my contact lenses are trying to freeze to my eyeballs. Because I’m looking at the ground and not where I’m going, I run right into someone and lose my hold on my backpack, which was slung over one shoulder.

  “I’m so sorry.” I bend to pick up my bag, but a foot comes down on the strap.

  I’m looking at a very impractical, heeled boot for this weather. It’s icy and salty everywhere.

  “You’re about to be, bitch.”

  The familiar voice sends a shiver down my spine, and I slowly push to a stand, reluctant to confirm what I already know. I’m about to have a long-overdue confrontation with Bethany, my very brief former roommate and one of Kodiak’s bunny groupies.

  Kodiak never came out and told me exactly what happened, but based on his sometimes voyeuristic and slightly kinky predilections, I have a pretty good idea.

  I’ve seen Bethany a bunch of times on campus, but I’ve always been with other people. When I’m with Lovey and Lacey, she shoots me dirty looks, but when I’m with Kodiak, she pretends neither of us exists. Today she’s with two of her friends. They’re all wearing some kind of school gear—although their allegiance seems to have changed to the rugby team.

  “You fucked things up for me, for all three of us.” She motions to her friends.

  I don’t respond. Not because I can’t, but because I have no idea what to say to that. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be the communal fucktoy for a college sports team. I imagine low self-esteem has something to do with it, but pointing that out probably isn’t going to help my case.

  “Kody was mine first. I had dibs. There’s a system here, and you messed with it, and now we’re blacklisted from all the hockey and football parties. You’re not special, you know. They’re all gonna get bored with you. And Kody’s never going to stick with just you. He likes variety. Isn’t that right?” She looks to her friends for confirmation.

  They nod their agreement. “We’d know. We’ve all had a piece of him,” the one on the right says.

  “Okay, well, that’s just . . . kind of gross, and also probably untrue.” I shudder at the thought. While Kodiak is certainly no saint, he’s also too much of a germaphobe to play pass-the-bunny.

  “Are you calling us liars?” Bethany is unnecessarily loud.

  I shrug. “If the shoe fits . . .”

  “Whatever. Believe me or don’t, he’s going to get tired of you, and when he does, we’ll all be there to make him feel better.”

  Her outburst is drawing attention—the embarrassing kind. I’m actually mortified for her, and also myself, because this is fairly horrifying as far as public self-humiliation goes. But I recognize that it’s par for the course. And when Kodiak eventually gets called up to play for the NHL, the rumors will become infinitely worse. Things will be taken out of context; pictures will be manipulated. I know because my mother has never hidden what happened with her and my dad when they first started dating.

  My relationship with Kodiak will most definitely be tested.

  These are all the things I’m thinking about as Bethany rants and raves about how she’s determined to get her team-bunny status back.

  “What’s going on here?”

  Kodiak’s voice brings instant relief and added anxiety at the same time. I don’t want him to lose his shit publicly on these girls.

  “Kody! Oh, hey! We were just talking. Isn’t that right?” Bethany’s smile is ridiculously fake.

  I stare at her in absolute disbelief. As if I’m going to pretend we were having a fun, casual chat.

  “Lavender?” Kodiak wraps an arm around me, going into overprotective mode. “Stay away from my girlfriend.”

  “We were girl bonding.” Bethany flips her hair over her shoulder and motions between her and me. “Sharing stories, ’cause we know what you’re like.”

  I can’t even with this girl. “Look, Bethany, I’ve known Kodiak for as long as I’ve been breathing, so whatever chance you girls think you have with him, you don’t. He’s mine. He’s always been mine, and he will always be mine. End of story.”

  I tug on Kodiak’s arm. I need to get away from these girls and the scene they’re causing before they say something even more humiliating, or expose either of us in ways I’d prefer they didn’t. I’m so angry, I’m shaking.

  Kodiak tightens his arm around me as we cross the quad toward the closest building. A student comes out of a stairwell exit, and Kodiak catches the door before it can close, tugging me inside. He pulls me against his chest, wraps me in a hug, and tells me how sorry he is while he rubs my back. I let him, because it’s freezing outside, and he’s warm, and it feels nice to be held.

  Someone mutters excuse me, and he shuffles us out of the way, finally releasing me. He jumps back like I’ve turned into a poisonous spider, eyes wide with panic. “Shit. You’re shaking. Are you okay? I’m screwing this up, aren’t I? I shouldn’t be doing this.”

  “Shouldn’t be doing what?” I’m super confused right now.

  He runs a hand roughly through his hair. “Falling into old patterns.”

  “Old patterns?”

  “Trying to save you from a panic attack.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not having a panic attack, Kodiak.”

  “But Bethany was ripping into you, and you’re shaking, and I thought maybe you were starting to panic because of all the people around.”

  “I’m shaking because I’m pissed off.”

  “At me?”

  “No, at her and her asshole friends. I’m also highly disturbed by her lack of self-worth and how intent she seems on being a team fucktoy when you’re done with me.”

  “Oh.” He looks appropriately chagrined. “Well, that’s never going to happen. Either of those things.”

  “I know. That’s why I told her you were mine.” I rub the space between my eyes. “I’ve learned how to deal, just like you have, Kodiak.”

  “I know you have. I just . . . I think it reminded me of that time with Courtney, and then everything got so messed up after that, and I lost you for more than half a decade, and I really can’t go through that again.”

  I take his cold hand and press it against the side of my neck, doing the same with mine. “Who’s panicking now?” It’s half joke, half not.

  He huffs a laugh. “Me.”

  “Don’t forget that I’ve grown up with Mav being a giant playboy and River being a commitment-phobe. We’re okay, Kodiak. You’re not creating dependency by wanting to be there for me, and I don’t need you to save me, but it’s nice to feel safe and loved.” I tug him closer, and he wraps his arms around me again.

  I sink into the affec
tion, aware he needs it as much as me.

  Maybe even more.

  Maybe he always has.

  Present day

  THE FALL SEMESTER ends—I pass economics with Kodiak’s help, barely—and the winter semester rolls in, bringing colder temperatures, more snow, and the desire to hibernate. Hockey and studying takes up more and more of Kodiak’s time. He has frequent conversations with his parents about making sure he’s finding balance between sports, schoolwork, and friends—something he’s never been particularly good at, and still isn’t. I know when he’s been talking to his dad, because those are the nights he’s extra needy in bed.

  River manages to patch things up with Josiah, and he even starts inviting him over, but he has yet to say anything to our parents. He wants to, but he says he’s trying to figure out how to do it. As confident as I am that they’ll support him, I know he needs to do it in his own time.

  The parties from the beginning of the year dwindle to almost nothing. Everyone’s focus is shifting to studies, especially after Maverick barely managed to eke out a passing grade in two of the classes he typically excels at.

  This also prompts a visit from my parents, during which my mom takes me and River out for lunch while my dad lectures Maverick on being responsible and not putting his dick before his studies. Actually it’s my mom who makes the “study before sex” comment prior to ushering us out the door. She’s never been one to sugarcoat things, except when she’s dealing with me. I try to persuade River that now would be a good time to say something about Josiah, but he says he doesn’t want to invite a different kind of safe sex and responsibility talk. The timing seems pretty opportune to me, but I don’t push, so Mom sticks with her general “work first, party later” conversation during lunch.

  I will say that’s one thing Kodiak takes very seriously. Sex is always a reward for hours put into homework and studying. A very frequent reward. Despite his genius status, Kodiak spends an inordinate amount of time reviewing notes, always aiming for perfection. I don’t envy him in that regard. It would be difficult to constantly strive for the impossible.