Roy Blakeley's Motor Caravan

by Percy Keese Fitzhugh

  Then Brent got kind of serious, not _very_ serious, but kind ofserious--as serious as he could. And he said we should promise him thatwe wouldn't think any more about that dark, mysterious paper, or talkabout it to the other fellows until we got all through at Grumpy'sCrossroads and reached Indianapolis so he could get hold of a map.Because if we couldn't find any stream named Snake Creek running intothe Ohio River, he didn't want the fellows to be disappointed. He saidthere was no use of our going on a wild goose chase.

  You can bet we kept our promise to Brent, but I guess Pee-wee didn'thave any more sleep till we reached Indianapolis. But anyway, he had apretty good appetite. He buried some treasure every night--ice creamsodas at the reunion.

  That's one thing I like about slavery. Because if there hadn't been anyslavery there wouldn't have been any Civil War, and if there hadn't beenany Civil War there wouldn't have been any Veterans' Reunion, and ifthere hadn't been any Veterans' Reunion, there wouldn't have been anyice cream sodas there. See?

  Gee whiz, I never was in the Civil War, or the uncivilized war or anyother kind, but I got a black eye once. Anyway, I killed four sodas whenI got to that reunion.

  I did it for my country's sake.

  CHAPTER XXXI--WE REACH OUR DESTINATION

  Now maybe you'll say it was a long time since we left those other carsand the rest of the fellows, but it was only about an hour. Only a lothappened in that hour--it was condensed, like. That's the way I likethings. Only I don't like condensed milk. But I wish they had condensedice cream. Pee-wee's a condensed scout. I'd like to have condensedlessons, too. Anyway my sister likes pickles--gee, I hate them. She sayseven a postage stamp can stick to its subject better than I can. Ishould worry. I told her you could send an animal by mail, because onceI saw a letter with a seal on it. She's all the time sending notes toHarry Donnelle, she is. She gets awful mad when I jolly her. She playsthe mandolin.

  Let's see, where was I? Oh, yes, now I know. Pretty soon (she likesbonbons too), pretty soon the van and our car came to the place wherethe two roads what-d'ye-call-it--converge--that means come together.And, gee whiz, we had a young reunion right there. Mr. Abbington wasawful nice, but, oh boy, he could hardly keep that other bloodhound fromchewing Brent all to pieces. I guess he thought he was a tramp.

  Harry said, "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Scarecrowof Barrow's Homestead. The only one in captivity. We intend to exhibithim at the reunion for the small sum of a dime, ten cents--three cents'war tax. He used to be an escaped convict, but now he's reformed andhe's a respectable scarecrow, the only real scarecrow ever exhibited.The crows drop dead when they see him."

  Gee whiz, you ought to have heard Miss Ophelia and Topsy laugh. Evenlittle Eva, _she_ laughed. I guess she forgot that she was going to dieand go to Heaven. Anyway, she was awful happy. Gee, Brent made them alllaugh.

  I bet you think it was a crazy procession that started off for Grumpy'sCross-roads, but what cared we? Gee whiz, if you don't like it you knowwhat you can do.

  There was Harry driving the van that was chock full of veterans, becausethey had picked up some along the road, and those veterans couldn't evenhave gone if the railroads had been running, because they lived too faraway from stations and they had never been to things like that before.

  Harry made all the Uncle Tom's Cabin people wear their costumes and whenwe got near to Grumpy's Cross-roads he had the cruel villyan stand ontop of the van cracking his whip. But anyway Uncle Tom sat beside me,eating peanuts, and he should worry. Brent looked awful funny, drivingone of the touring cars, but that only made it funnier.

  After about two hours more we came to Grumpy's Cross-roads. They werepretty cross, all right, because there was a sign that said:

  AUTOMOBILE LAWS STRICTLY ENFORCED

  Oh, boy, you just ought to have seen us. The big van went first, withthe man with the whip up on top, holding the ferocious bloodhounds. Nextcame Rossie's car full of veterans and then the other two cars full ofthose actor people all dressed up for their play.

  We rolled into the Main Street and a band that was there, just gettingready to go to the parade ground, I guess, marched in front of us andplayed "Peggy." Inside of ten seconds there were people crowding allaround us, but Harry told them to get out of the way, he didn't care whothey were--constables, sheriffs, judges, or anything.

  "Where's the parade ground?" he shouted.

  A man called, "Who are you, anyway? Whar do you come from?"

  Gee whiz, it gave me a good thrill when I heard Harry shout back, "We'rethe Boy Scouts of America, that's who _we_ are! Friends and comrades tothe boys who were chased off the parade ground. And the show opens at 3P. M. sharp, so get your tickets and buy your peanuts! We're here! Andnot all the railroads in the country can stop us. _On the job_, that'sour motto! Get from under if you don't want to be run down. There's onlyone man in this whole country we'll take any orders from and that'sMajor Grumpy!"

  CHAPTER XXXII--SURRENDER AND INDEMNITY

  Gee whiz, we reminded ourselves of General Pershing coming home. Justbefore we drove into the parade ground, a little fellow about as big asPee-wee came running up and called to us. He was all excited. Heshouted, "We read your signal; we saw it way up on the mountain. Peoplesaid it was just the woods on fire but we knew what it meant; we readit. We've got a signaler in our patrol. But Major Grumpy said it wasjust the woods on fire."

  Harry shouted down to him, "Climb up on the band wagon and be quickabout it if you want to be in at the finish. Where's the rest of yourbunch?"

  Pee-wee said, "_Troop, not bunch_; don't you know anything about thescouts?"

  Harry said, "Excuse me, I mean gang."

  That kid said that most of them were peeking through the fence of theparade grounds, because they had been chased out. He said one of themwent in to tell Major Grumpy about the smudge message and that he hadbeen chased out again. He said they had dandy ice cream cones in there;he said the ice cream went way down into the point. Oh, boy, that's thekind I like. He said that one of them had enough ice cream in it for twofellows; gee, I've never seen any like that. But I've seen fellows thathave room enough for two cones.

  Poor little kid, he didn't have any scout suit or anything--only just ascout hat.

  Harry said, awful nice and friendly sort of, he said, "Well, you justclimb up here. So you read that message, hey? Well, you and your outfitare all right, Kiddo."

  "Not outfit!" Pee-wee yelled.

  Harry said, "Excuse me, I mean sewing circle."

  I guess that kid thought Harry was crazy; anyway we don't need anybodyto tell us we're crazy, because we admit it.

  That kid said, "Have you got tickets to get into the grounds?"

  "Tickets?" Harry said. "What do we want tickets for when we're going toroll up the parade ground and take it home with us. Who are you for? TheGrand Army or the Boy Scouts? We don't want any hyphens here."

  Poor little kid, he looked more like a period than a hyphen. He was kindof scared of Harry, I guess.

  Harry said, "We've got six scouts, about a dozen veterans, twobloodhounds, nine actors and one scarecrow. Do you think we're afraid?"

  "Surrender! That's what we're here for," Rossie said.

  "Surrender with indemnity," Harry said.

  Poor little kid, he looked all around from one of us to another and thenkept staring at Brent. I guess he didn't know what to make of him. Maybehe thought Brent was a camouflaged cannon, hey?

  When we got to the parade ground there were autos and wagons standingaround and lots of people going in. There was a sign up that said therewouldn't be any show on account of the railroad strike. And there wereabout a half a dozen poor little codgers peeking in through cracks inthe fence; honest it made me feel sorry just to see them. Two or threeof them had on scout hats, but most of them only had scout badges.

  Gee whiz, Harry Domicile didn't care about anybody; all the people, eventhe doorkeepers, began staring at us but he sh
ould worry. He shouted tothose kids, "Fall in line, you; reenforcements are here! Two companiesof war-worn veterans, one Uncle Tom's Cabin troupe, two bloodhounds, sixboy scouts, and a scarecrow! Climb aboard. On to victory!"

  "And a popcorn bar!" Pee-wee shouted. Jiminies, already he had boughtone of those sticky things and he was all gummed up like a piece offly-paper. He had to hold one of his hands out flat with the fingers allapart, it was so sticky. "We'll take all the lemonade booths and candycounters and everything!" he shouted. "We'll show no mercy, hey?"

  I said, "Shut up, you Hun! Already that popcorn bar looks like RheimsCathedral."

  He shouted, "I've got a chocolate stick, too, and I'm going to devastatethat!"

  Talk about frightfulness!

  I guess those poor little kids thought we were crazy. Brent stood up onthe seat of his car and made gestures so as his long sleeves floppedevery which way. He shouted, "Every new recruit report to the commissarygeneral and receive six rounds of peanuts and three rounds of licoricejaw-breakers. Step up!"

  Oh, boy, you should have seen those veterans laugh; they justchuckled--you know the way old men do. One of them said he had fought atGettysburg but that he had never seen anything like this before; oh,boy, didn't he chuckle!

  I don't know when Brent got them, but anyway, he had the pockets of thatcrazy old coat full of bags of peanuts, and he handed them around to allthose little fellows. He made those kids stay in his car, too. They allstarted eating peanuts, but just the same they looked sort of scared, asif they didn't know what was going to happen.

  Harry climbed up on top of the van and began shouting to all of us whowere in the touring cars; gee, but those cars were crowded. About ahundred people were crowding around us too, just staring and laughing;you couldn't blame them. But what made me laugh most of all was to seethose veterans--_good night!_ Even when they were getting wounded in theCivil War, I bet they didn't have nearly as much fun.

  XXXIII--MOBILIZING

  This is the speech that Harry made to his troops, because my sister madehim write it out for me, because she said it would go down in history.Brent Gaylong said he hoped if it went down it would never come upagain. Last term I passed seventy-two in history, but, gee, I hatedates--I don't mean the kind you eat.

  This is the speech that Harry made. He said:

  My brave soldiers:

  Lieutenant Harris will please take the candy out of his mouth and listen.

  "I don't listen with my mouth," Pee-wee shouted.

  "Well then, close it," I told him, "and listen to your superiorofficer."

  Harry said:

  We are outside the Parade Ground of Grumpy's Cross-roads. We are here to demand an unconditional surrender. A courier will go within under the protection of a white flag.

  "I'll go, I've got some popcorn; that's white," Pee-wee yelled.

  If Major Grumpy refuses our terms, then we will storm his stronghold with every peanut that we hold. We shall demand indemnity.

  "Demand the territory where the lemonade counter is," Pee-wee shouted.

  Then everybody began hooting and yelling, and Brent stood up in thosecrazy old rags and began flapping his sleeves to keep us quiet and theold veterans shook--kind of like a Ford car.

  Then Harry read us a note that he said should be delivered to MajorGrumpy in person.

  "I'll deliver it," Pee-wee shouted; "I want to get a frankfurter,anyway."

  This was the note:

  Major Grumpy, Commanding Officer, Veterans' Reunion:

  You are hereby informed that the allied forces, consisting of Boy Scouts, Civil War Veterans, scarecrows, and scout reinforcements from your own town, offer you the choice of unconditional surrender or complete extinction. As hostages we hold Uncle Tom's Cabin troupe scheduled to appear at your reunion. Ten minutes will be given for an answer. We shall advance against your stronghold immediately.

  One of the veterans said it would be better to say, "I purpose to moveimmediately against your works," because those were the very same wordsthat General Grant used. So Harry put it that way.

  Then he said, "Let us have peace," because that was what General Grantsaid, too. Pee-wee thought he said, "Let's have a piece," so he chuckeda licorice jaw-breaker up and it struck Harry, kerplunk, on the face.

  That was the beginning of hostilities.

  Pee-wee fired the first shot.

  CHAPTER XXXIV--TR-R-AITORS!

  That was the only shot in the whole war. It was a punk war. Harry said,"Let the bloodshed cease; who'll volunteer to go in as a courier?"

  Pee-wee shouted, "I will."

  So Harry gave him the note and told him to stick a white popcorn bar ona stick for a flag of truce. Honest, if you could have seen that kidstart off with the note in one hand and that popcorn flag of truce inthe other and his mouth all stuck up with licorice candy, you'd havelaughed till you cried.

  We waited for about ten minutes but still he didn't come out, so Harrycalled for another volunteer and Westy went in, because he said he couldremember just what was in the note. _Good night_, he didn't come outagain, either.

  "WE'RE MAKING A DESPERATE CALVARY CHARGE," SHOUTEDPEE-WEE.]

  Harry said, "This is very strange; they've either deserted or they'rebeing held as prisoners."

  Then Charlie Seabury said he'd go in, so he pinned a marshmallow ontohis buttonhole and went through the admission gate. But he didn't comeback, either.

  Pretty soon five of the fellows had gone in--all the fellows in mypatrol except myself. And none of them came back. We decided that theywere all being held as prisoners.

  Harry said, "This is not civilized warfare at all--not to respect a flagof truce."

  I said, "Gee whiz, I never heard of a fellow that wouldn't respect amarshmallow or a popcorn bar. Even I respect gum drops."

  Brent said, "Well, the only thing to do is to enter the grounds andseize the rifles in the shooting gallery. If we can surround the diningpavilion and seize all the sandwiches, we can cut off their base ofsupplies and force a surrender. What say, comrades?"

  Harry said that was the only thing to do so he paid fifteen centsadmission for all of us on account of that being civilized warfare. Thenwe drove in, and I bet that gatekeeper thought that we were from aninsane asylum, especially when he took a good look at Brent.

  And, _good night, Sister Anne_, excuse me while I laugh! What do youthink we saw when we got inside that place? About a couple of hundredfeet away was a merry-go-round, and riding around on it were our younghero and those other four fellows, and they were all holding on to thebrass rods with one hand and eating frankfurters with the other.

  "I got the brass ring! I got the brass ring!" Pee-wee shouted. "I get anextra ridel I'm promoted from the Infantry, I'm in the Cavalry! We'remaking a desperate cavalry charge!"

  Can you beat that kid?

  CHAPTER XXXV--PEACE WITH INDEMNITY

  I said, "We should worry about the cavalry; the only thing that thiscavalry can surround is the organ on the merry-go-round."

  "I can surround a frankfurter," Pee-wee shouted. Believe me, he could.

  Harry said, "The cavalry will dismount; you're all court-martialed andordered to be shot at sunrise in the shooting gallery. Fall in line."

  Jiminies, I had to laugh to see that bunch trotting along after theautos, all the while munching frankfurters. I guess we were the craziestlooking parade that ever was; but you can have a lot of fun being crazy,that's one thing sure. All the people stopped what they were doing andfollowed after us. Most of the things that they were doing were eating.I wouldn't stop doing that for anybody, I wouldn't.

  All around were veterans in old blue coats and they were sitting ingroups talking; they were talking about Gettysburg and Richmond, andGeneral Grant, and things like that. One of them was talking about SugarLoaf Mountain and Pee-wee kind of slowed up so as he could listen. Iguess he thought
it was some kind of candy, hey? Harry looked around andshouted, "Attention!" And the kid jumped about a foot in the air.

  Pretty soon we came to a little tent and there was a sign on it thatsaid, "_Administration Tent_."

  Pee-wee shouted, "Go on, till we come to the commissary tent."

  I shouted back to him, "You're a whole commissary in yourself. You're anice looking sight to demand a surrender. The first thing you want toseize is a wash basin!"

  Sitting in front of that tent were several veterans and one of them waskind of cross and severe looking and he had a bald head. His head was sobald that I guess he didn't know where to stop washing his face. Youcouldn't even tell where his face was unless he put his hat on. Helooked as if he was used to bossing people around. Anyway, I knew he wasa Union soldier, because he had a telegram in his hand and it said_Western Union_ on it.

  We all stopped right in front of the tent and Harry got down and made asalute; it was awful funny. He said, "Major Grumpy, I believe?"

  "That is my name, sir," the old man said, very stern, kind of like aschool principal.

  Harry said, "I am Lieutenant Donnelle and these are my allied forces. Wecome here under the protection of a white--eh, a white popcorn bar. Holdup the popcorn bar, Private Harris."

  "It's all gone," Private Harris piped up.

  Harry said, "I'm very sorry that our flag of truce has been eaten by oneof our starving troopers. We are here to demand the surrender----"