Anyone but You

by Jennifer Crusie

  Nina’s contempt deepened. “Yes, Alexander, there is a Santa Claus. But those breasts are not real.”

  “I’d rather believe in the breasts.”

  Nina picked up a magazine from the side table and thwapped him upside the head with it.

  “Hey!” Alex turned around, scowling at her.

  Nina scowled back. “Well, you deserve it. You’d rather have breasts that look like Jell-O molds than real-life breasts?”

  “I’ll take any breasts.” Alex turned back to the TV. “Jell-O molds, huh? You may have a point.”

  “Of course I have a point,” Nina said. “I bet they don’t feel natural, either.”

  “They don’t,” Alex said, “but they don’t feel bad.”

  “And how do you know—never mind.” Nina held up her hand before he could speak. “I know. You’re a doctor.”

  “Well, no, I found that out dating.” Alex picked up the remote. “This is probably not a good movie for us. There must be other classics on tonight that we won’t fight over.”

  Nina watched the channels flash before her eyes and debated grabbing the remote and smacking him with it. She had no idea why she was so violent lately. Fortunately, it was always in connection with Alex who deserved beating, anyway.

  “Here,” he said. “Now this is a real classic.”

  Nina squinted at the screen. Rosalind Russell was marching completely dressed through a room full of typewriters, blood in her eye. Nina could relate. Then Rosalind went through a door and there was Cary Grant. “This is much better,” she told Alex. “What is this?”

  “His Girl Friday,” Alex told her. “You’ve never seen this? I can’t believe it. You’re going to love this. Everything Rosalind has is her original equipment and she doesn’t take anything off.”

  Why would she love that? It sounded boring. He must think she was boring. Nina looked back to the screen and watched Rosalind play verbal Ping-Pong with Cary Grant, their dialogue so rapid she was caught up in it within seconds.

  By the time Cary had insisted on meeting Ralph Bellamy, who was dumb enough to think he was going to be married to Rosalind by the end of the movie, Nina was stretched out on the couch, watching raptly over Alex’s shoulder, as usual. “This is a very sexy movie,” she said once in his ear, and he turned his head to grin at her over his shoulder, close enough that if she leaned forward a couple of inches, her mouth would be on his.

  “I know,” he said, and she looked into his eyes for a moment and felt dizzy again, felt the heat rise and cloud her mind and make her body tense. She closed her eyes and tried to think of anything else but Alex and how near he was and how much she wanted him.

  Then he turned back to the movie, and she tried to think cool thoughts while Roz and Cary made verbal love on the television screen.

  She’d never been happier and more miserable in her life.

  Chapter Five

  “Do you ever think about just dating one woman?” Alex asked Max the next night over his coffee table and their beers. “Move in with her? Commit?”

  Max choked and spit out his beer. “God, no. Don’t say things like that to me while I’m drinking.” He mopped at the beer on his black shirt. “Oh, hell, and this was a good shirt, too.”

  “I was just thinking it would be nice,” Alex said. “You know, knowing you were coming home every night to the same woman. Comfortable.”

  Max stopped mopping and squinted at him. “It can’t be Tricia the weeper, and Debbie’s long gone, and even you’re not dumb enough to move in with Deirdre.” He shuddered at the thought.

  “Dated Deirdre, did you?”

  “Only once,” Max said. “You wouldn’t believe what she did to me at dinner.”

  “Sure I would,” Alex said.

  “You, too, huh?” Max shook his head. “I believe in safe sex, but not in the middle of the appetizer. Our waiter almost had heart failure.”

  “Hell,” Alex said, “I almost had heart failure.”

  “So if it’s not Deirdre, who is it?”

  “Nina,” Alex said.

  Max raised his eyebrows. “Still Nina? You hadn’t said anything for a while, so I thought you’d given up on her.”

  Alex shook his head. “Nope. Nina is not the kind of woman it is possible to give up on.”

  Max took another drink. “You’ve been holding out on me. I didn’t even know you’d started dating her.”

  “I haven’t.” Alex leaned forward and picked up his second beer. “I’m afraid to ask her out.”

  Max frowned at him. “I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but if you’re afraid to ask her to commit for dinner, how in the hell are you ever going to ask her to move in with you?”

  Alex leaned his head back against the couch. “I’m not. At least, not right now. She’d spit on me.” He stared miserably at the ceiling. “She was married to Guy Adams.”

  Max whistled. “Big bucks.”

  Alex nodded. “Dad’s got an opening in the cardiac unit.”

  Max stopped with his beer halfway to his mouth. “You told me you liked the ER.”

  Alex closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet Max’s. “I do. But as you keep pointing out, cardiology is more money. And as Dad keeps pointing out, it’s a real career.”

  “So’s the ER,” Max said.

  “I know.” Alex felt miserable. “I know. But I’m thinking about cardiology anyway.”

  “Yeah, but you’re thinking about it as a way to get the money to get Nina.” Max shook his head and took a drink. “Bad idea,” he said when he’d swallowed. “Never plan a career around a woman.”

  “You’re probably right,” Alex said, and then the doorbell rang.

  When he answered it, Charity was standing there, all wild red hair and impossibly long legs in a hot pink dress so short he thought for a minute it was a T-shirt.

  “I came to ask a favor,” she said, and Alex thought of all the men in the world who would love to be in his shoes, and of how much he’d love it if it was Nina in front of him in hot pink asking him for something. Anything. Preferably something that required him touching her. Lying down and touching her. Lying down naked and touching her.

  “Alex?” Charity said, and he said, “Sure. Come on in.”

  She stepped inside the living room, and Max stood up, looking poleaxed as his eyes made the trip from her ankle-strapped heels and thigh-high black stockings to her tangled red hair tied on top of her head with what Alex thought might be another black stocking.

  “This is my brother, Max,” Alex said.

  Max held out his hand and beamed at her. “More than happy to meet you.”

  Charity scowled at him. “I’m a lesbian.”

  Max pulled his hand back. “Did I ask?”

  Alex stepped between them. “Can I get you something to drink?” he asked Charity. “Some milk? An Oreo?”

  “No.” Charity lost her scowl. “Listen, Norma’s reading group is going to read my book next Friday.” She opened her black vinyl bag, a purse large enough to stock a small country, and pulled out a thick stack of papers held together with a rubber band. “And I thought that maybe you’d read it, too, and come to the group next Friday and give us a guy’s opinion of it.” She smiled up at him, anxious, coaxing, and Alex thought again what a waste it was for her to be smiling at him. “Nina’s coming, too,” she told him, and he took the manuscript and said, “I’ll be there.”

  Charity’s smile widened. “Thank you. I appreciate it. Truly.” Her smile dimmed to about five watts as she looked over his shoulder at Max. “Nice meeting you.”

  Max nodded. “Give my regards to the rest of the girls.”

  Charity closed her eyes.

  “He’s kidding,” Alex said. “Knock it off, Max.”

  Charity ignored Max to turn to Alex. “I’ll see you Friday then. And thank you!”

  When she was gone, Alex glared at his brother. “Did you have to say that?”

  Max shrugged and went back to his chair.
“She started it. Boy, that is one scary woman.”

  Alex followed him. “She’s Nina’s best friend. If I become a cardiologist, we can double-date.”

  Max picked up his last beer. “Not in this lifetime. Remember Deirdre? Well, that one would hand you four condoms.” He shuddered. “What’s wrong with women these days?”

  “You should know,” Alex said, stretching out in his chair. “You’re the gynecologist.”

  NINA GREW more nervous for Charity as the next Friday drew closer, but when she and Charity got to Norma’s, the reading group turned out to be small: Norma; Rich; Mary Theresa, a lovely young editor; Walter, a weedy plumber; Steve, a burly accountant; and Alex; all sitting relaxed on Norma’s bentwood chairs in Norma’s airy living room, sipping Norma’s mint lemonade.

  “I thought you didn’t come to these,” Nina whispered to him when she’d joined him after he’d patted the chair beside him.

  “Charity asked me,” he whispered back, and she thought, And when did you talk to Charity? and then shoved the thought out of her mind because it was unworthy and because she had more important things to think about. Like whether Charity would make it through the evening without cutting her throat.

  “I told Norma not to tell them I’m the writer,” she’d told Nina before they’d walked up the stairs. “I want to hear it all, no matter how bad.”

  “Good,” Nina said, and prayed it wouldn’t be bad.

  It wasn’t good.

  First of all, they assumed it was fiction. “Much too episodic,” Steve said. Steve looked a lot like a construction worker, bulky and tanned, but Norma had introduced him as “the best damn accountant in Riverbend,” so Nina mentally thwapped herself for making assumptions. “Every chapter is a story on its own,” Steve went on. “There’s no continuity. It makes it hard to follow the story. It’s a funny story, but it’s easy to put the book down between chapters.”

  “She needs a through line,” Mary Theresa agreed. “A spine to hold the story together until the end. But it’s funny, really funny, so maybe the humor will carry it.”

  “Nope.” Walter the plumber looked like an accountant. “It’s funny, but it’s kind of mean funny. I felt sorry for some of these guys.”

  Great, Nina thought. This didn’t bode well for Charity. Or for Howard Press, for that matter.

  “I didn’t feel sorry for them,” Mary Theresa said. “I’ve dated guys like these.”

  “No, you haven’t.” Rich stretched out his legs and sipped his lemonade. “No guy is all bad. Maybe these guys had limits, but they were human beings, too.”

  So it was a gender thing. Nina thought fast. Women would understand it, but men would feel defensive. Most book buyers were female, but that didn’t mean Charity could afford to offend men. She was going to have to do some rethinking on her male characterization.

  Rich was still talking. “I think the author sacrificed character for humor. You know, like she didn’t have to make them real as long as they were funny. So they all have one thing that she focuses on and makes fun of. Like they’re too anal retentive. Or they’re too preoccupied with sex.” He looked at Nina and smiled. “Or they’re too young.”

  Nina’s face burned, and Rich went on. “So she never sees the real man. She obsesses on this one character trait, and she never sees anything else.”

  Very funny, Rich. Nina stole a sideways look to see if Alex had noticed, but he seemed to be concentrating on what Rich was saying about Charity’s book. Thank God.

  Rich went on, dissecting Charity’s male characters, and Nina watched Charity, prepared to carry her out the door if she looked as if she was going to scream.

  Charity sat on the edge of her chair, frowning as she concentrated. “But won’t it ruin the story if the men are nice?” she asked Rich. “Won’t that make it boring?”

  “No.” Rich leaned forward. “Because then there will be some suspense. The way this is written now, you know each chapter is going to end in disaster. But if they’re nice guys with flaws—”

  “Okay, that’s a problem I saw,” Steve broke in. “Each chapter is a disaster bit. It gets depressing because, you know, you like Jane when you read about her. She’s funny and she’s sexy. You want her to be happy. And she keeps dating Godzilla. Over and over and over.”

  “Right,” Mary Theresa said. “It’s like, why is she so dumb? I wanted her to be smart. She’s so funny and she’s so smart about other things, why is she so dumb about these guys? There should be something about them that’s attractive so you understand why she’s going out with them. She’s so blind.”

  “You’re right,” Alex said, and Mary Theresa smiled at him. Well, that was good, Nina thought. Mary Theresa was very pretty and a lot closer to his age. See, Rich? He’s not interested in me, anyway.

  Alex was still talking to Mary Theresa. “You do expect Jane to learn something after each date. You want her to do better every time.”

  “Yeah, I wanted her to win in the end,” Steve said. “I wanted her to get her act together and end up with some guy, a good guy. I got tired of reading about losers, and then it ends and she’s alone and you know she’s going to hook up with another loser. So, what’s the point?”

  Nina couldn’t look at Charity. Steve had pretty much just summed up the overwhelming problem of the book, right there. More than that, he’d summed up the problem of Charity’s entire life.

  Nina leaned forward to get Steve’s attention. “How about if she learns something from every relationship so at the end she’s ready to start again, and you know she’ll succeed this time, even though there’s not a happily-ever-after chapter? Would that do it?”

  “No,” Mary Theresa said. “I like the idea of her learning something and things getting better, but I want to see her make it. That’s the payoff. If I’ve suffered with her through all those dates, and I’ve got to tell you, you really do suffer through those dates, then I ought to get the payoff, too. I want to see her win.”

  Norma stirred. “You’re all right, I think,” she said, looking directly at Charity, “but what bothered me the most was that Jane didn’t seem emotionally involved with any of them. It seemed as though she went through all the relationships knowing they were going to fail, so she prepared herself by making wisecracks and making conditions for herself. If she lost ten pounds, the relationship would work. If she wore the right clothes, the relationship would work. She never believed any of the men could love her for herself, no matter what she looked like or what she said.” Norma looked at Nina. “Or how old she was. She didn’t believe in unconditional love.”

  Nina closed her eyes and vowed never to come back to Norma’s again. At least not with Alex beside her. She didn’t dare look at him. He was probably embarrassed. She sure as hell was.

  Mary Theresa said, “Did I miss a chapter about a younger guy?” and Nina wanted to groan, but Charity nodded at Norma, caught up in the conversation.

  “You’re right,” she said. “You’re absolutely right. I’ll fix it in the rewrite.”

  “Did you write this?” Mary Theresa asked her, incredulous.

  Charity flushed and sat back. “Yeah. Sorry it was such a waste of your time.”

  Mary Theresa beamed at her. “But it wasn’t. It was funny. And sexy. We didn’t talk about that, but the sex scenes were terrific.”

  “Yeah, they were,” Steve said, looking at Charity with new eyes. “Really good.”

  “I think it’s going to be an excellent book,” Norma told her. “Once you rewrite it to get some of the kinks out of it—”

  “No, leave the kinks,” Steve said.

  “—it’s going to be a terrific novel.”

  “Do you think so?” Charity said.

  “I do,” Walter said. “Do we get to see the rewrite?”

  Charity’s face lit up, and Nina relaxed, more relieved than she’d realized that Charity was okay with the criticism. “You’d read it again?” Charity asked them. “You really would?”

 
; “You bet,” Alex said. “It’s good stuff.”

  “I think we deserve to see it again,” Rich said. “We want to see what happens.”

  Nina smiled at him and thought, Thank you, Rich, I forgive you for the age crack.

  Charity nodded, beaming on them all. “Yes. Thank you, yes, I’d love to have you read the rewrite.”

  “THAT WAS NOT A HELP,” Alex told Norma and Rich when Charity had dragged Nina out the door to talk about revisions, and everyone else had left. “Beating Nina up in public is not going to make her want to go out with me.”

  Norma patted his shoulder. “She just needs to wake up. You’ll see. She just needs to be nudged a little.”

  Alex tried to look quelling. “I’d rather do my own nudging, Norma.”

  “Well, yes, but you’re not,” Rich said as he put the last chair back against the wall. “You’re just standing there with your finger up your nose waiting for a miracle.” He shook his head. “You’ve got to make your own miracles with women, boy.”

  Great. Now he was getting his technique with women critiqued. He tried to look unwounded. “Thank you, Rich. I’ll try to remember that. As a matter of fact, I’m working on the problem.”

  “You’ve been working on it for three months,” Rich said. “It only took me half an hour to ask Norma out.” He grinned at the woman he loved. “And two weeks to spend the night.”

  Norma raised an eyebrow. “That was my decision, not yours,” she told him before she turned back to Alex. “And it’ll be Nina’s decision, too. We were just pointing out to her tonight how blind she’s being in not making that decision.”

  “Well, don’t do it again,” Alex said. “You keep it up, she won’t even watch movies with me.”

  Rich rolled his eyes and took the tray of glasses out to the kitchen.

  “He has a point,” Norma said, and Alex gave up and went downstairs to his own apartment where nobody did postmortems on his seduction technique, no matter how much it needed them.

  CHARITY CALLED Sunday afternoon while Nina was cleaning the kitchen after lunch and trying not to think about Alex.