Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  ◆◆◆

  Back at my apartment, I stared at the building for a good two minutes before trudging up the stairs. I was terrified of what to expect and even more worried about how I would end up handling the impending confrontation. As I unlocked the door, I tried to steel my nerves.

  Inside, I found David sitting in his favorite chair, staring at the door expectantly.

  "Hi," I whispered.

  "Hi," he said firmly, all compassion gone from his expression. "Well?"

  "Well, what?" I asked in a cold tone.

  He drew a deep breath and shook his head. "I never should have gone to Chicago. We never should have moved out of Noho." He bit his lip. "How long?"

  "How long since what?" I was deliberately playing dumb and I hated myself for it.

  "Since you started your affair." He stated each word like it was a complete sentence.

  Hearing it phrased that way was startling. Being with Katie didn't really feel like an affair. I slowly walked over to the couch and took a seat on the arm. David stared at me with anticipation, but I still had no idea what I was going to say. Part of me was tempted to lie just so I could continue going about my life as I always have. Instead, I took a deep breath.

  "Since February." Now that it was out in the open, I felt both free and oppressed by my decision.

  David leaned forward, face still as stone. "Who is he?" He asked softly.

  I stared at the ceiling trying to find the words to say. None came. For a fleeting second, I wished that Katie was there with me. It wouldn't do any good, but I wanted her reassurance.

  "A coworker," I replied in a whisper.

  "Nate?" David asked, immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion.

  I laughed despite the seriousness of the situation. "No. Nate's gay, David!" I expected some response, some acknowledgement of the statement, and got none. My lips were dry and my palms sweaty. "And for that matter," I started. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was short of breath. I hadn't felt this nervous since I was 15. "So am I."

  David sat up and stared at me, mouth agape. "What?"

  I squared my shoulders and met his eyes. "I've been seeing a woman."

  "You said that was a phase," he spat out. "Just harmless experimentation in college."

  "I never said that, David. I told you I had been with women before. I told you that you were the first man I'd been with. I never said or did anything to suggest that it was a passing phase. You married a gay woman who happened to fall in love with you. Not a straight woman who had some interesting flings in college."

  He stood and shook his head. "No."

  My eyebrows went up and for the first time, I was genuinely amused. "No?" I barked out a laugh. "You think you can control how I feel? Especially from several states away when you make it abundantly clear that I don't rank high on your priority list? Come on! I find it hard to believe that you haven't had your own affair in Chicago. One of your fellow professors, perhaps?"

  I was being cold, but I couldn't help it. I'd bottled up my frustration for months now, and tonight he was going to get a full dose of it. David's face froze, and the sudden flash of guilt behind his eyes gave me the vindication I needed.

  He shook his head. "I promised to love you, to be with you for the rest of my life. Why would you think I was capable of backing out on that promise?"

  "Well, you sure haven't been acting like it!"

  He rose and stood in front of me. "I love you. I will always love you, Liz." When I wouldn't look at him, he crouched in front of me.

  “Are you in love with her?” he asked sincerely. There was hurt in his eyes—betrayal—but not anger. And it made me ache inside.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  He hung his head, hand resting on my knee gently. I opened my mouth to ask for a divorce. It would be better for both of us. Before I could get a word out, he beat me to the punch.

  "What can I do to help us move on from this?"

  I had no words. I'd expected an explosion, some kind of horrible anger, but instead he wanted to work things out.

  "I don't know," I said truthfully. I wasn't sure I wanted to move past what I’d done. Katie and I were so close to becoming the way we were. Giving that up sounded both painful and wrong. But the man before me had been there every step of the way for the last five years.

  He gently squeezed my knee, sensing my hesitation. "Please don't give up on us, Liz. I want to try again. I want to make things right. Please," he begged.

  “Since we left Northampton, things have just been off between us. Most of that,” he admitted, “was my fault. I know that now. I never should have prioritized work over our marriage. And if you’ll give me a chance, I will make it up to you. I love you.

  When I looked at him, I no longer saw the borderline stranger who had been visiting every few months. I saw my husband. The same person who used to make me breakfast on Mondays just to have my week start out right, the same person who loved watching chick flicks and respected Ryan Gosling for his performance in The Notebook. Here, before me, was the man I loved and gave up part of myself to be with. And he was asking me to come back to him. I couldn't say no.

  "Okay," I whispered, feeling tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.

  "Really?" He said with such hope that I truly believed we could make it work.

  "Yes," I replied firmly. He wrapped me in his arms and I started sobbing, both from relief and knowing that my decision meant giving up my relationship with Katie. To make things right with my husband, I'd die a little inside. I'd made a promise to him and I owed it to him to try again, or so I told myself.

  Over the next two days, David and I tried to reestablish our romance. We were once again in that tentative and awkward stage, and I desperately hoped I'd be able to feel as passionate as I once did. I called out of work, ignored Katie's texts, and gave my entire focus to him. When he suggested we move back to Northampton, I agreed, though I wasn't entirely sure why. Once we’d made the decision, David reminded me that I needed to make it clear to Katie that it was over between us, I knew he was right, but my heart broke. Reluctantly, I headed over to her apartment that evening to have what was arguably the hardest conversation of my life.

  I stared at the old brick building with a sense of dread. This had become my home for the last few months, and I was about to throw everything away for the sake of a promise I made to a man. I told myself it was the right decision, and that there was nothing else I could do that would be any more useful or better than going back to Northampton. But I couldn't argue with the fact that the one person I loved more than anything lived in that building, was waiting and worrying for me, and wanted nothing more than to see me smile.

  My fingers shook as I punched in the security code and let myself into the relative warmth of the hallway. While it was May, the nights were still cool and the warmth felt wonderful, but no more comforting. I trudged up the stairs, taking them individually rather than my customary two at a time.

  The closer I got to the fourth floor, the harder it was to breathe. My chest felt like someone was ripping it open with a dull knife. The pain was so bad, I almost turned around. instead, I unlocked the door and entered the apartment I'd come to regard as home.

  The warm glow of the living room lamps greeted me alongside the smell of pizza. It was Tuesday...pizza date night. And it was a tradition we'd had since college. In that moment, I realized I wasn't giving up an affair. I was giving up a committed relationship, one that had lasted far longer than my marriage and one that was more meaningful on multiple levels. Why was I doing this?

  "Hey," I called softly, setting my keys on the dining table. Katie came out from the kitchen, smile plastered on her face.

  "Welcome home," she said gently. Slowly, the smile faded and a realization dawned on her. "You have something to say, say it."

  I stared at my feet, unable or unwilling to move much past the front door.

  "Don't play with me, Lizzie," she warned.

&
nbsp; I looked up and met her eyes, ignoring the tear that ran down my cheek. "We're moving back to Northampton."

  "What?"

  "David wants to try to move past this."

  She leaned against the wall between the dining room and the kitchen. "And what do you want?" She asked pointedly.

  I shook my head. "It doesn't matter what I want. You said I had to make a choice and I have. I made a promise to him, Kat."

  She laughed bitterly. "A promise? You're really going to let your wedding vows get in the way of you being happy? What are you? A fucking saint?"

  She bit her lip and stared at me, studying everything about me.

  “Why? Why are you really doing this?” she asked, leaning against the wall of the dining nook.

  I closed my eyes and bit my lip against the tears that threatened to spill. “Because it’s the right thing to do,” I said firmly though entirely without conviction.

  “Bullshit,” Kat shouted. She stomped the four feet over to where I stood and cupped my face in her hands. “I love you,” she stated calmly. “I will always love you. Are you really ready to give up on this…on us?”

  Tears fell down my cheeks as I grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. “I married him.”

  Katie stared at me, a mix of disbelief and anguish creasing her brow. She shook her head. “Get out,” she said firmly.

  “Kat,” I begged, knowing she was right, but still not wanting to hear it.

  “Get out!” she shouted.

  I nodded slowly and placed my key on the table. “I’m so sorry, Kat.” I didn’t wait for a response. I just bolted out of the apartment, collapsing at the top of the stairs in a sobbing heap.

  ◆◆◆

  The next morning, I went to work, half anxious to see Katie only to discover that she’d called out, feigning some stomach bug or another. My first stop was Nate’s desk. I needed to talk to James, but I was afraid to. I needed some encouragement and the only person I could stomach being around at the moment was Nate.

  I knocked on the open door and was immediately greeted by a man in a face mask. “Stay away, you flu carrier,” he warned with a laugh.

  I stared at him confused.

  He pulled the mask down and tilted his head. “Because Katie has the flu,” he explained with a raised eyebrow.

  I hung my head.

  “Or is it a broken heart?” he asked sincerely. I forced a nod and he closed the door, pulling me into a hug. “Oh love, I’m so sorry.”

  I shook my head. “It’s my fault. I’m the one that called it off. David wants to make things work and I said yes. Now, we’re moving back to Northampton and I’m dying inside.”

  He stared at me in confusion. “Why?” he asked. “You and Katie are happy. You’re in love.”

  I nodded. “And I will always love her. But I made a choice and now it’s over. “

  Nate stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re making a mistake,” he said plainly.

  “It’s my mistake to make.”

  “Liz,” he begged. “Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from the one person in the world that makes you happy.”

  I opened the door and forced a sad smile. “I already have.”

  With that, I headed to James’ office to give him my notice. He was far more understanding and promised as many glowing recommendations as I needed to get a good job.

  My next visit was to Stephanie who already knew everything…of course. News of my leaving had circulated through the entire office like wildfire. She was understanding, but horribly unsympathetic, saying Katie deserved everything. To her, I was the golden child that was simply screwed over by a bitch, even when it was the other way around.

  Chapter 18

  The two weeks passed quickly and before I knew it, our U-Haul was loaded up, my apartment was empty, and we were on our way back to Western Massachusetts. We were silent for much of the drive as I watched Boston slowly disappear from view.

  David was trying to be supportive, but his constant reassurances did little to lighten my mood. By the time we made it back to our small town, I was at the brink of tears.

  I stared around our old apartment; the walls were the same, but it felt like everything had changed. Northampton was no longer a safe-haven of pleasant memories; it was my prison. And the empty apartment was the perfect allegory for my life.

  On the outside, I was still Elizabeth Markley, writer. Inside, I was far from the woman that lived here last. Discontent was an understatement. I was quietly bereft.

  Heavy footsteps came through the door behind me followed by two muffled thumps as David tossed my bags into the doorway. I heard him sigh, but I didn't turn around.

  "Welcome home," he said quietly. How could we make this work when I felt dead inside? When he asked to try again, I agreed and it seemed possible. Now, it seemed like every decision I'd made was a mistake. If I could go back in time...

  He came up behind me. Not long ago, he would have wrapped his arms around me and I was grateful when he didn't.

  "You okay?" he asked as gently as he could. I'd chosen this. I'd chosen him. The least I could do was try to make it work. I owed him that much.

  I gathered my composure, bit by bit, before I turned around to face him. There was nothing but love and concern in his eyes. How could I have taken the nicest man and betrayed him so quickly?

  "I'll be fine," I said, forcing a smile. I reached for him and let him fold his arms around me. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel whole. "When do you have class?"

  "Term starts in two weeks," he said, annoyed. Just like his students, David always hated the first week of classes. He was a professor who never properly grew up, as evidenced by the original Nintendo that went everywhere with him.

  I sighed, breathing in his scent and taking comfort in the familiar. "Then we have two weeks to ourselves."

  David pushed me to arm’s length. "Really? You're not going to call Billy and immediately ask for your job back?"

  "No." The thought of going back to small-town news and events nauseated me. I'd wait a few weeks before I begged my way back in. Besides, the two weeks of nothing but us could possibly help me fall back in love with my husband. I desperately wanted to.

  David leaned in and kissed me. It was nice, but I was just going through the motions. The rest of the night passed in a mechanical blur of trying to put meaning behind the motions. Every kiss, every touch, I searched for meaning behind it, some kind of spark or feeling. Just...something other than the aching emptiness in my chest.

  The next morning, David woke first, heading out to the store to get breakfast. I plastered a smile to my face and tried to pretend that everything was normal. As soon as he left, I rushed to check my phone for any messages. There were none.

  I called Nathan.

  "Hey, kiddo!" he said, sympathy clear in his tone. "I miss you."

  "I miss you, too." I closed my eyes against the sudden wave of emotion. "How are things?"

  A loud crash in the background gave me some kind of idea.

  "Busy. Stephanie has taken over your desk. She says it’s yours the second you come back. Quite frankly, I think she's about ready to drag you home by your hair already and you've been gone for less than two weeks!"

  "Is she covering my column?" I asked, wondering who would be picking up the slack for me. She'd done it before, I imagined she'd be able to do it again.

  "Yep," Nathan said around a mouth full of something. "But not very well. James keeps getting on her about how to properly interview people, but nothing sticks." He muttered something to someone in the office. "You're very much missed, my dear." He opened and closed his office door, blocking out the hum of the office. "That's not why you're calling, though."

  I cringed, but remained silent. He knew me too well.

  Nathan sighed. "You sure you want to know?" he asked, regarding my unspoken question.

  I checked my watch. I had at least ano
ther twenty minutes before David came home. "Yes."

  I could feel him shake his head, knew that he was rubbing his eyes. "She's not said a single word about you, or her personal life since you left. She comes into work, does her job, and leaves."

  I bit my lip. "So, she's royally pissed?"

  Nathan muttered a negative. "No. If she was pissed, no one would be able to work with her. You know her temper. Kate's great with teamwork at the moment. I think we have you to thank for that." His chair squeaked audibly over the small phone speaker as he leaned back, thinking. "Any time she's alone, or thinks she's alone, she looks…" He paused, searching for the words.

  "Broken?" I volunteered. It was how I felt.

  "Empty."

  I sighed, fighting the tears that threatened to spill; the last thing I wanted was for David to see me upset. I was supposed to be trying, supposed to be happy. Shit.

  "She's withdrawn and won't even talk to me about her photography. It's like her passion is gone."

  I swallowed, knowing I was not much better off. I'd made a mistake. Once again, I'd made the wrong choice and I knew it the moment I said goodbye to her. Words stuck in my throat, but there was nothing I could do to get them out.

  "Lizzie?" he asked when I didn't respond.

  I forced myself to regain my composure, angrily wiping my eyes. "I'm here."

  "It's not too late." Someone opened his office door. I heard a muffled greeting, a thump of gear being deposited, and the door closing again. "Come back," he begged softly.

  It was too late—six years too late.

  "I have to go," he said gently. "Call me soon?"

  "I will." With that, Nathan hung up and I allowed myself one good cry before David came home. Maybe if I got it all out, I could be the person he needed me to be.

  ◆◆◆

  I stood at the counter, watching the steam rise from my forgotten mug of tea. I couldn't sleep and David was out like a light. There was no waking him and with the amount of Ambien he'd taken, I'd be struggling to wake him up in time for his class in the morning. The truth was, I relished the loneliness of the night, clinging to the shadows. I could drop the mask of happiness and erase all pretense of contentment.