Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  David blushed. "Since mid-August. Casually. Very casually. And only with other people there. We'd agreed to try again, and then she came into the picture...and you left Katie for me. I feel like an ass," he agonized.

  I just laughed. "We owed it to ourselves to try."

  He studied my face and smiled sadly. "We'll talk to an attorney next week and get the ball rolling," he promised. "Just promise me one thing?"

  I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees. I felt no apprehension, no anxiety or sadness, just a relentless optimism.

  "Anything," I replied firmly.

  "We'll stay friends. After the paperwork is signed. Don't drop off the face of the earth. You're still important to me, Liz. I don't want to lose you."

  I bolted to my feet and wrapped him in a hug. It was the first time I'd had genuine feelings of affection for him since last December that weren’t hinged on guilt and regret. "You won't lose me, David. I promise."

  We looked at each other and smiled. We still cared for each other. It would never be enough for a romantic relationship, but a friendship? That I could handle. He smiled and stood up.

  "I'm ordering a pizza. Want any?"

  "Sure."

  We sat together, shoulders touching on our couch and for the first time in a long time, felt like friends. Long after the pizza was finished and a couple of beers were in our systems, David turned to look at me.

  He looked genuinely puzzled as he studied me. "Can I ask you something? In the spirit of absolute candor and honesty?"

  I grinned. We were long past the point of secrets and he deserved to know just about anything he wanted. I wouldn't hide anything.

  "How long have you been in love with her?"

  I thought about it, wanting to be honest. "Always." My voice was strong and sure. David nodded. "When we broke up, I just pushed her to the back of my mind. I never thought about it or even attempted to confront the issues that made the break up happen. I just wanted to be happy. To have an easy life. And when I met you, it felt like things had fallen into place."

  David nodded grimly. "But there were never any sparks, were there?"

  I leaned into his shoulder. "No. But that doesn't mean I didn't love you."

  David wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "No, but it does mean you settled." He turned to face me.

  I leaned against him heavily. "It didn't feel like settling." I tried to remember our first year of marriage. It was happy; we were both content, but it was just contentment. "It was just easy, nice..."

  "Mmm, but not passionate." He hugged my shoulders. "I'm sorry we took so long to figure this out."

  Clearly, I underestimated my husband on a frequent basis. It was a pity that I couldn't be in love with him. He really was the nicest man anyone could ask for.

  The next day, David and I made an appointment with our attorney. There were no arguments or squabbles over our meager possessions, just a building excitement in both of us. Once our signatures were on the paper, David and I couldn't help but smile like idiots. It was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and we both welcomed it.

  Chapter 22

  What little I had fit comfortably in the back of my new-to-me Volkswagen Westfalia Vanagon. I’d picked it up off a college kid that needed the cash and reasoned it would be enough to help me haul myself and my stuff back to Boston with the added benefit of giving me my own set of wheels. She was a beautiful hunter green and had been lovingly maintained throughout her life. I pulled into the city with a smile on my face driving to my new apartment in the same building I’d lived in for the last year.

  The apartment was, thankfully, furnished and all I had was a few boxes of clothes, photos, and some bedding that was easy enough to haul up the stairs. I’d gotten the last box into the living room when a loud knock sounded on the door. I glanced through the peep hole and saw Nate practically bouncing in front of me.

  “Hi,” I said grinning as I pulled the heavy door open. He pulled me into a bear hug and spun me around.

  “It’s about damned time!”

  I laughed. “Sorry it took me so long,” I said gently.

  He glanced around the apartment, taking in the furnishings that were suitably bland and the small stack of boxes in the corner. “That’s it?”

  I shrugged. David loved our furniture and I had absolutely no sentimental attachment to it, so he’d kept it.

  “Christ, Liz, I would have thought that hunk of an ex-husband would let you keep a few more things.”

  “I didn’t want any of it.”

  Nate stared at me, eyebrow raised, but said nothing.

  “Want a beer?” I asked, automatically. That was the first thing that went into the fridge—a case of my favorite Smuttynose IPA. It was the only IPA I liked, and it was largely due to sentimental reasons. Nate nodded and took a seat on the rather stiff sofa.

  “So, how does it feel to be newly single, newly divorced, and newly free?” he asked with a grin.

  I popped the tops off our beers and smiled. “It feels good. I wasn’t expecting it to feel this liberating, but I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.”

  He studied my face earnestly. Nate was always perceptive and there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d be able to hide everything from him. “How are you really?”

  I sat on the coffee table, elbows resting on my knees and stared very intently at my feet. I didn’t want to think about it.

  He interpreted my silence immediately. “That good, huh?”

  I laughed once, startled by the sharpness of the sound. “I’m surviving. I miss her more than I ever thought possible, but I’ll be okay eventually.”

  He rested a hand on my forearm gently. “I know you will, and I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered, angrily brushing at the tears that stung my eyes.

  “In other news,” he started, “James is incredibly relieved to have you back and you can expect more than a full workload the moment you step foot into the office.”

  I laughed. “I can imagine. Did he really go through three people?”

  Nate shook his head. “It was five. The most recent new-hire walked out not 30 minutes before you called. I’ve worked for the man for the last seven years and I’ve never seen him jump for joy like that before. You single-handedly made his year.”

  We turned the conversation away from work and towards his and Stephanie’s personal lives. He was still single and enjoying dating, but Steph was getting serious with her girlfriend. They’d even moved in together. By the time he left, my mood had lightened and I knew without the shadow of a doubt that I’d made the right decision.

  Sitting in the silence of my apartment, I couldn’t help but miss Katie. So, I called Em.

  It went to voicemail almost immediately and I sighed. I should move on. I should stop missing Katie, but it wasn’t that simple for me. Now that I was divorced, I could do something about the mistakes I’d made, but I didn’t know where to start. I settled on the sofa and watched a movie on my computer without really paying attention to it.

  It was midnight when my phone buzzed. Absently, I stared at the screen, half-expecting another spam email; they’d been flooding my inbox for the last few weeks.

  Instead, I smiled as I read the text from Em.

  Sorry I missed your call. I hope the move went well. If you’re still up, feel free to call me.

  I immediately dialed her number.

  “How’s it feel to be back in Boston?” she asked brightly.

  “Good. Weird…lonely.”

  She sighed. “I can imagine. You gonna be able to sleep all alone in that place?”

  That was the real question, wasn’t it. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “At least I won’t have to listen to David’s snoring anymore,” I added with a laugh. I bit my lip and worked up the courage to ask the question that had been on my mind since I’d learned about the show. “How’s Kat’s exposition?”

  Em was silent f
or a few seconds as she weighed what to tell me. “Good.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yup. That’s all I can say right now,” she said gently.

  I took a deep breath. “Is she in the room with you?”

  “Yes.”

  My heart caught in my throat.

  In the background, I heard Katie shout something that sounded like ‘get off the damned phone,’ and felt my eyes sting yet again.

  “Is she okay?”

  Emily sighed. “As much as can be expected,” she said quickly. “Listen, I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

  The line went dead, leaving me staring at my phone and feeling unbearably alone. On a whim, I googled Kate’s gallery show and was surprised to see that tomorrow was the closing reception. The website said she’d be there. I needed to go, I needed to try to talk to her, and see if she would be willing to take me back. It was my last chance, and it was now or never.

  I emailed James and told him I wouldn’t be in the office—that I had a personal emergency. He would understand. He knew about me and Katie, and I think even he wanted us to get back together.

  I barely slept that night, though not for the reasons Em thought I wouldn’t. I was planning all the things I’d say to Katie once I saw her. I’d made enough mistakes for a lifetime and I vowed not to make them again.

  By 8 a.m., I couldn’t bear it anymore. I grabbed my still packed duffel bag and headed to the train station where I took the first line to New York. I settled into my seat and started to drift off but before I could, my phone buzzed and startled me. It was James.

  “Hey, boss.”

  “Personal emergency?” he asked skeptically.

  I smiled. “Something like that.”

  He chuckled softly and I imagined him pinching the bridge of his nose like he always did when he was trying to avoid being frustrated.

  “Go get her back,” he said gently. “And, Liz?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Good luck.”

  I tucked my phone in my pocket and stared out the window, watching the countryside roll by.

  ◆◆◆

  I hovered next to the open bar, feeling much like I had when I was in college—awkward and unsure of myself. I was surrounded by pictures that I had never seen before, but I recognized. The style was all hers and it made my heart race. Beer in hand, I separated myself from the comfort of the non-judgmental bartender, and meandered through the display.

  Image after image showed me what Katie had been going through for the last few months. And it wasn’t pretty despite the beauty of the pictures. I wandered down the wall, doing my best to get to know the woman I loved through her work. Finally, I came upon one image, carefully framed in brilliant color. My silhouette stood out stark against the bright orange-pink sky on a hill overlooking the pond at our college. I did my best to ignore the tear falling down my cheek and sighed. Written in Katie’s careful hand at the bottom of the image was a title: Letting Go.

  With a sigh, I turned around and headed deeper in to the gallery, taking in her work. As I stared at a self-portrait, showing her scars and hollow eyes, I felt someone looking at me. Half expecting one of our college friends, I turned around and found Katie watching me from across the room. I smiled politely and turned my attention back to her work.

  Footsteps crept up behind me, but I didn’t turn around. “What do you think?” she asked softly, standing only a few inches away from me.

  “They’re beautiful, Kat,” I squeaked. “All of them. Congratulations.”

  “I wouldn’t have been able to put this together without you,” she said honestly. “You know how good my work gets when I hit rock bottom.”

  I smirked. “You and me both.” I chanced a glance at her and was, as always, taken by her beauty. The solid black top she wore accented her already slight frame, and it made my heart ache. “I miss you,” I blurted out.

  She clenched her jaw and stared at her feet, absently playing with the stem of her champagne glass. “Don’t.”

  “Leaving you was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I see that now.”

  She barked out a laugh. “And what? What do you want from me? You’re not here for the art, that much I know.”

  I took a deep breath, steeling my nerves. “I want a second chance.”

  “You already had one and you fucked it up just as bad as the first time. Why would this time be any different?”

  I wasn’t deterred. “I left David.”

  She schooled her face into a blank mask. “Good. He deserves better.”

  “I know,” I said softly, staring at my feet. “You both do.” I swallowed hard and nodded. I deserved that. “But the truth is, I still love you. I’ve always loved you.”

  She glared at me. “You have no right.”

  “Please, Katie.” She scoffed and crossed her arms, becoming the same woman half The Wire feared. “If you don’t love me anymore, say so.”

  She stared at her feet. “I don’t love you,” she spat.

  “Look me in the eyes and tell me that.” She was a decent liar when she avoided eye contact.

  She stared at me and started to say something. One tear rolled down her cheek, and she stayed silent. It was a small victory, but it was a victory.

  “Just leave, Lizzie.” She spun on her heel and walked away, leaving me alone in the back of the gallery. I watched her expertly navigate the crowd, painting a smile on her face as if nothing had happened. My heart was breaking all over again, and though I wanted to chase after her, I let her be. She was right. I had messed up and that was that. I forced myself to leave, keeping to the periphery of the gallery and headed outside just to get fresh air. This time, I’d said what I wanted to, but it didn’t pay off. Katie was still uninterested.

  ◆◆◆

  “Hey,” Emily’s voice said from over my shoulder as I leaned against a street sign for lack of any other motivation. I forced a smile. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” she said with false cheer.

  “I figured it was my last chance to see what she’s put together,” I explained. It was at least the partial truth.

  “And you thought you’d get her back,” she said, immediately putting two and two together.

  I nodded slowly. “As you can see, it was a complete success,” I replied sarcastically.

  She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “She just needs time.”

  “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I just don’t deserve her. Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.”

  She looked at me with such utter concern in her eyes that I lost all self-control and proceeded to sob on the street corner.

  To my surprise, I felt Em’s arms wrap around me and clung to her jacket. “You’re not a bad person, Liz. You deserve to be happy. Just maybe it’s not with my sister. Maybe you need to figure out who you are on your own before you start a relationship with someone.”

  I laughed bitterly. “Why are you always the one picking up the pieces?”

  She shrugged. “Because someone has to and I’m here.”

  We sat like that for a few minutes until she excused herself to go back into the event.

  “Look, I may be Kat’s sister, but I’m still your friend. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” She smiled sadly. “And I won’t even tell Kat what we talk about,” she added with a wink.

  “Thanks, kiddo.”

  She nodded and turned on her heel, heading back into the still full gallery.

  Left alone, I started moving, letting my feet take me down the streets of New York without a clear destination in mind. It was time to close the door on the past and accept that my future would not look the way I’d wanted it to.

  Chapter 23

  The reception I received back at the office was surprisingly warm. I barely had enough time to set my laptop down before Stephanie was sprinting right at me. She plowed into me with a full-force bear hug and wouldn’t let me go.

  “It’s about time!” she said excitedly. “You have no idea
how much I’ve missed having you around.”

  I felt myself smile genuinely for the first time in months. “I missed you, too.” I looked over her shoulder, somewhat nervously. If Katie were in the office, she couldn’t miss Stephanie’s squeal.

  She noticed. “Kate’s gone, remember?”

  My smile faltered. “Right. I forgot.”

  “Hey, that just means it won’t be awkward for you anymore,” she said smacking my arm hard. “Anyway, I need to get through the design backlog, but we should do lunch today. My treat.”

  “You know I never turn down free food.”

  With that, she sauntered back to the design hub and I headed towards what was now Nate’s office. The door was cracked, so I knocked out of politeness.

  “Come in,” he said distractedly. I found him hunched over a tablet, working pixel by pixel for an upcoming edit.

  “Hey, you,” I said softly, leaning against the doorframe, taking in Katie’s now-empty desk.

  He tossed the stylus no his desk and crossed the short four feet to the door, enveloping me in his strong arms. My resolve faded and I struggled not to cry.

  “Welcome home,” he whispered. All I could do was nod. “I’m sorry it’s not quite the homecoming you’d imagined.”

  I forced a laugh. “No, but it’s the one I deserve. She was right not to take me back.”

  He tilted his head in confusion. “Do you really think so little of yourself?”

  “Only when it’s true.”

  Nate pulled Katie’s old chair around and motioned for me to sit. I did, relieved that the leather didn’t hold onto her scent.

  “So, you went to the gallery and it didn’t go as planned,” he stated.

  I took a shaky breath. “It went horribly. But she was right—I made the right choice way too late.”

  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Be that as it may, I’m surprised. She still loves you.”