Left for Alive

by Tom Hogan

  Josh nodded. “What happened?”

  “Was he going to take me in?”

  “It was a routine traffic stop, best I can tell.”

  “Damn.” Paul looked at the far wall. “He reached for the radio, and all I could see was me in handcuffs, me in the back of his car. Me back inside and me bent over a….” He shook his head, as if waking up. “So I grabbed his gun. He went for the shotgun and I put one in him. Just one shot, to slow him down.”

  “That will figure into the defense. Donna will be down in the morning and we’ll put together our defense then. But that’s tomorrow.” He nodded at the kitchen table. “Right now, we’ve got to calm things down. As long as we’re holding hostages, the guns outside are trained on us. Let those two go. You’ve still got me as a hostage.”

  “And if I let them go, and you go with them?”

  “You know better than that.”

  Paul looked back at them. “Maybe. In a few minutes. After we talk.”

  “Well, at least let me tell Logan that they’re okay. In case those guys outside are thinking of doing something stupid.”

  Paul nodded at the telephone. Josh picked it up and was immediately connected to the team outside. “We’re good in here, Captain. They’re eating, we’re talking.” He listened. “No. He’s unarmed. It was the officer’s gun. The ballistics will confirm that.” He listened some more. “I know the tests will take time. In the meantime, check the gun. It should have been fired only once.” He hung up.

  “What’s up?” Paul asked.

  “Other than all this?” Josh said in a brittle voice that caused the mother and daughter to look up. “Nothing. Except that the press just reported about the officer dying. Which means every cop out there thinks you’re a cop-killer with a gun. Which means that getting you out of here and into that van just got a bit more difficult.”

  “Let me help you on that front: I’m not leaving.”

  “We just need to calm them down. Cavanaugh can…”

  “You don’t get it, Josh. I didn’t ask you down here to help me out of all this. I asked you down to say goodbye.”

  “Don’t talk crazy.”

  “Crazy? I’m wanted for rape and I just killed a cop. You do the math.” His eyes were fierce. “Remember prison? I do. Now add to it what happens to cop killers in there. No thanks.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “That it’s time to check out. All I want is the cleanest, least painful way.” He smiled weakly. “Once a coward, always a coward.” He gestured around the house. “I’ve been through this place, twice, looking for something to kill myself with. She’s got pills, but all that means is that I pass out, they pump my stomach and I spend the next fifty years being beaten by the guards by day and raped by night. She says there’s rope in the garage, but I don’t know how to tie the right knot.”

  Josh looked hard at his brother, his eyes boring in. “We’re running out of time here, Paulie. Let’s get Donna on the line and explore our options. You and I aren’t in a position to be thinking clearly.”

  “Actually, I’ve been doing nothing except thinking clearly these past weeks. And the conclusion I reached before tonight was I’m not going back to prison. And I’m sure as hell not going back there, now that I’ve killed a cop.”

  Josh leaned back against the counter and stared at his brother. Paul looked back at him with determined eyes. “You don’t want me to die tonight? There’s a solution we haven’t talked about.”

  “At this point I’m up for anything. What is it?”

  “We do it one more time.”

  “Do what?”

  “Change places. You said it yourself when you walked in. With the hair and beard I look like you. I could gag you, change clothes, walk out and say something to them that gets everyone coming in here, and I slip away.”

  “Can’t do it, Paulie.”

  “It could work, Josh. It could.” He took his brother’s face in his hands. “I’m not a killer.”

  “I know that, Paulie. But you’re a dangerous man. You hurt women. I help you escape, you’ll just hurt someone else.”

  “This is my life we’re talking about.”

  “Let’s say I help you escape. What about the next cop who pulls you over for a broken tail light? Or the next woman who says no to you at the wrong time. Can’t do it, Paulie.”

  Paul took his hands from Josh’s face. He took a step back and turned away from Josh for a moment.

  “You’re looking for something you could threaten me with,” Josh said. “Or knock me out. Aren’t you?”

  Paul shrugged without turning around. “It crossed my mind.”

  “Then let me make it easy for you. Even if you could take care of me, Alexis is out there. The moment you opened that door, no matter whose clothes you’re wearing or how you wear your hair, she’d know it was you. You’d be in custody within thirty seconds.”

  Paul started to speak, then dropped his chin. He looked past Josh, at the flashing lights outside. Then he leaned back against the counter next to his brother. “It’s over, isn’t it?”

  “It’s time, Paulie. Now it’s time to start negotiating. We can…”

  “You still don’t get it, do you?” Paul’s voice had a whip to it. “I’m going to die tonight. The only question is how—and whether I die alone or with you.” He put his hand up as Josh started to respond. “Put yourself in my place and tell me what you’d do. The truth.”

  The two men looked straight ahead, a comfortable silence growing around them. Finally, Josh said, “Okay. What do we do?”

  Paul nodded. “Thank you. And before I forget, I’ve got a going-away gift for you. Remind me to give it to you before I go.”

  “What is it?”

  “Let’s deal with this situation first.” His voice grew firmer. “Like I said, I’ve had a lot of time tonight to think about this, waiting for you to arrive. And I’ve got the solution.” When Josh didn’t say anything, he continued. “Remember your pal? The big guy inside, what was his name? Thick Willie?”

  Josh’s jaw tightened. “No.”

  “It was painless, you said. And you know how to do it.”

  “I can’t.”

  “It’s either that or I grab that little girl and open the door and hope for a head shot.” He looked at Josh earnestly. “We don’t do it ourselves, they’ll do it for us. That’s no way to die.”

  “I can’t kill my own brother,” Josh said, more to himself than Paul.

  “Josh,” his voice grabbed. “It’s the last favor I’ll ever ask of you.”

  They didn’t talk for the next five minutes, the kitchen air growing dead, expectant. The mother and daughter had quit talking among themselves and were now staring over at the brothers.

  Finally, Josh cuffed his hand behind his brother’s head and pulled him to him, gently kissing him on the forehead. “Okay.”

  “Thank you.”

  Josh looked past him at the kitchen table. “It’s time to let them go. This is nothing for a little girl to see.” Without asking Paul’s permission, he walked over to the table, stopping three feet from it. He bent down next to the mother. “You can go now. And I’m sorry all of this happened.” He looked at the little girl and nodded, then picked up the phone. “Logan? We’re letting the mother and little girl go.” He listened. “No. Not yet. A few more minutes.” He listened again. “Right. Unarmed.”

  He put his hand under the mother’s elbow and helped her rise. She wrapped her arm around her daughter and the two of them stood by the table, uncertain, hesitant. Josh walked to the front door, then motioned for them to follow.

  He turned the handle and cracked the door. “Okay, Logan,” he shouted through the opening. “They’re coming out. Do everyone a favor and tamp down the lights, okay?” As the glare softened, he opened the door fully. With both
hands on her daughter’s shoulders, the mother looked from Paul to Josh, then stepped outside. Josh closed the door behind them and locked it.

  He turned and leaned back against the door. “Now what?”

  “Let’s go into the living room. I don’t want to die in a kitchen, for god’s sake.”

  They walked into the living room from different angles. Josh walked over and pulled the drapes tight. Paul killed most of the lights, leaving the lamp next to the couch on. Then he turned back towards the kitchen. “I’m going to check and see if there’s anything to drink in there.”

  He came back a moment later, a beer in each hand. “Her last two. I left all the cash I had in my wallet next to the sink. Couple of hundred dollars. Tell her I’m sorry for all this.” He waved around the house.

  He sat down on the couch, a heavy, claw-footed piece upholstered in dark green with rust highlights. He motioned for Josh to join him, but Josh stayed where he was.

  “Don’t worry,” Paul said, patting the couch. “It’s not time yet. I still need to give you that gift I mentioned.” He put Josh’s beer on the table in front of the couch.

  Josh nodded at the beer but stayed where he was. Paul smiled at him. “You’re making me nervous, standing there like that.”

  “Sorry. How do you want me to stand, what do you want me to say—all before I break your neck?”

  “I don’t know, but I don’t want it to be this. Come on over here, sit down. Let’s have one last beer together. And let me tell you something.”

  Josh walked uneasily over to the couch and sat down. Paul twisted the cap off and handed him the beer, tapping his beer against Josh’s. A dull clink filled the dead air.

  Paul’s tongue moved over suddenly-dry lips. “I never thought I’d be telling you this. It has to do with Baltimore.”

  “Can we just let Baltimore go? Especially now.”

  “No, we can’t. Especially now. Remember that girl you cut?”

  “Angela Rinaldi.”

  “That was her name? Huh, I didn’t know that. Or if I did, I forgot it.”

  “I remember it. So would you, if you were the one who cut her up.”

  Paul looked down. “That’s what I have to tell you. You didn’t cut her up. I did.”

  “That’s your goodbye gift to me? How dumb do you think I am?”

  “Dumb enough to believe something that isn’t true. Dumb enough to believe what I told you rather than what you know about yourself.” His eyes locked on his brother’s. “So do you want to hear what happened or not?”

  “Go ahead. But don’t lie to me, Paulie. Especially not about this. And not now.”

  “You ever wonder why you can’t remember what happened? That never bothered you?”

  “Of course it bothered me. But I took a pipe to the head. I was concussed. You can’t expect me to…”

  “You were knocked out, Josh. Out. That’s why you can’t remember anything clearly.”

  “No. I remember her coming at you with the razor. I remember heading over to help you out…”

  “And that’s the last thing you remember.”

  “No. You were in trouble…I was…” Josh’s eyes rolled up to the ceiling, as if looking for something that wasn’t there.

  “Listen to me, Josh, because I’m the only one in this room who knows what happened that night. You’re right—I was in trouble. One of those guys was holding me up so that—what was her name, Angela?—could carve me up. And out of the corner of my eye I saw you coming over to help me.

  Paul’s breath shallowed. “She was coming at me, this crazed smile on her face, swinging the razor back and forth. And there was nothing I could do. But you fought your way over, taking a few shots along way. But you just kept coming. And when you arrived, you pushed her aside and you nailed the guy who was holding me. And all of a sudden I was free. But just then another of their guys came up behind and nailed you with the pipe. I’ll remember that sound forever, how solid it was. And down you went. You weren’t out, but you sure as hell didn’t know where you were.”

  He swallowed. “I bent down to get you, but at that moment that bitch took a swipe at me. The razor opened up my arm and got caught in my shirt. I jumped back and swung, hard as I could. And my fist caught her flush on the temple and knocked her out. Out cold.”

  Josh’s eyes locked in. “What happened next? And don’t lie to me, Paulie.”

  “I picked up the razor. You were trying to get up, so their guys started in on you with their boots. So I stepped over the girl, showed them the razor and they took off.”

  “And then?”

  “I looked back and there she was lying on the ground. I looked down at her and thought about all the guys she’d marked, guys who’d be wearing her mark for the rest of their lives, and I thought I’d give her a taste of her own medicine. Not deep, but enough to draw blood.”

  “What did you do with the razor, Paulie?”

  “Her dress was up around her waist. And, as you know, she didn’t wear panties. So I put the razor where it would shame her the most. Simple as that.”

  “Simple as that?” Josh’s voice was incredulous.

  “I’m not ashamed of what I did. It wasn’t sexual. It was to shame her, to show her that she wasn’t even worth cutting. Down there, at least.” He looked at Josh. “What I am ashamed of is what happened next.”

  “What happened next, Paulie? And make it good, because I’m not believing this fairy tale.”

  Paul’s voice straightened. “What happened next, Josh, is that I let you take the fall. That’s what happened.” He shifted and moved his face closer to Josh’s. “I’m going to tell you the truth—the truth, Josh—but I’m not going to spend my last moments trying to convince you, if you’re still dead set on punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.”

  He waited for a response, but Josh just motioned for him to continue. “The cops hit us with the spotlights just as she slashed me. They saw what happened next, including what I did with the knife, then they started towards us.

  “I grabbed you, got you to your feet, and we started to run. Remember what we used to do when the cops were after us?”

  “We’d split up.”

  Paul nodded. “I yelled at you to split up, that we’d meet back at the house. So we split up. You went right, I went left. I hopped a fence and was gone. Then I went to the house and waited for you. But you never came.”

  “I was in jail, remember?”

  “I would never have said to split up, if I’d known how badly you were hurt,” Paul said, ignoring him. “According to the police report, you were just stumbling around in a circle when they grabbed you. They put you in the car and went back to the scene. Took photos of the girl, just lying there. Then one of the cops, the one with the spotlight, came over to the car where you were held and identified you as the one who had the razor. So they took you in and booked you.”

  “But I remember…” Josh stopped, his brow narrowing.

  “You remember shit from that night, Josh. Other than what they told you.” He looked down. “And what I told you the next day.”

  “I remember that clearly. You told me the same story the cops did.”

  “Remember the circumstances, Josh. It was the day after just another gang fight. The booking clerk said it was no big deal, you were a minor, you’d get a slap on the wrist and have to see a youth authority counselor for a few months. That would be it.”

  “Whereas you…” Josh stared at him.

  “Whereas I was an adult. With priors. Looking at real jail time, if they wanted to press it.” He tilted his head. “So I let you take the fall. I went back to where they were holding you. You basically confessed to me—basically saying what the cops had told you.” He stopped. “That was my one chance to confess. But I didn’t think they’d believe me. And like I said, you were a youth
, I was an adult.”

  “And then that kid died.”

  Paul nodded. “That had nothing to do with you or me. It was at the other end of the alley. But he caught a knife in the leg and bled out. And all of a sudden a simple gang fight became a symbol of how Baltimore was going to hell. And the press and cops were determined to make a statement. And you were that statement. I never believed they’d charge you as an adult. But they did.”

  Josh’s eyes had gone flat, dead. “You’re telling the truth, aren’t you?” Paul nodded, not meeting his brother’s eyes.

  “All these years…” His voice trailed off. Then it firmed up. “All these years, Paulie. Tell me why you never told me. Just tell me that.”

  “Because of the way you’re looking at me now,” Paul’s voice shot up. “Because I knew that if I told you, I’d lose the only family I had.” He looked down. “And I knew I’d always need you.”

  Josh looked down and talked at the floor. “Do you know the damage you did? Do you know how I’ve lived because of that night?”

  “I didn’t. Not until recently. I was sorry—you don’t know how sorry—that you did time. But you did your time, got on with your life and seemed to do great—at every level. From everything I saw, you had a good life.”

  His hands worked nervously as he talked. He worried the nail of his thumb, picking it down to the skin line. “I never thought about you and women. Or if I did, I never tied it back to Baltimore. I just figured you liked living alone. Or when the camp got going, that you liked that kind of life. But when I saw you with Alexis, when I realized… Up until then, I didn’t know how much damage I’d caused.”

  He started to say more, but Josh put his hand over his, stilling the nervous motion. “It’s okay. You’ve told me. That’s enough.”

  Paul swallowed and nodded. Then he leaned over slightly, letting his shoulder touch Josh’s. Josh stiffened for a moment, then tipped his head slightly, reclining it against his brother’s. They sat together in the faint light, their eyes fixed on the dancing blue and white lights leaking through the curtains.

  Paul was the first to move. “We need to get on with it before a tear-gas canister comes through that window.”