by J P Sayle
My hand froze on the handle of the shower door. Was that me and Jamie? A couple of mismatched men who were looking to find their happy ever after together?
Oh, please, that’s the sappy books talking. Jamie would never see you as more than his friend.
With drooping shoulders, I listened to the voice of reason and stepped into the shower. Once washed, dried, and dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, I stretched out with my Kindle. I couldn’t for the life of me concentrate on the novel. Oh, it was good, and there was plenty of steam to make me as happy as a bear in the woods, but I couldn’t seem to shift the idea that there could be more between me and Jamie.
I got up off the couch, knowing that lying staring at my kindle wasn’t going to help. I grabbed the pen and pad lying by the phone on the small table next to the couch.
Chewing on the tip of the pen, I eyed the pad for an age. What stopped me and Jamie from taking things further? I started to write, my hand trembling.
After five minutes of staring at the pad, I read the two things I’d come up with.
1) Jamie likes city life
2) Jamie dates sleek men who take care of themselves
Bile burned at the back of my throat and my stomach heaved in distress. There may have only been two things on my list, but they were pretty big barriers to making a relationship work. I threw the pad across the room, along with the pen. The smack as they hit the wall and fell behind a chair gave me no satisfaction. There was an urge to punch something, anything to release the reality that wouldn’t let go of my heart and stop crushing it.
My hand rubbed at my chest, willing the vice that gripped it to ease. Stop this, it’s nonsense.
I got off the couch and grabbed my truck keys off the counter where I’d left them and headed to the door. Needing some fresh air to allow me to draw in a breath that didn’t remind me every second of Jamie, I took off.
Outside, I took a deep breath and quickly walked to my truck parked at the curb. I cursed my lack of jacket when the wind bit into my exposed arms. The warm spell of the other day now seemed like a distant memory.
I drove out of town, needing to find some greenery. Since childhood, the outdoors had been my happy place. Whenever I needed to think about anything I would take myself off into the woods and gather my thoughts. Needing that now, I headed to the national park on the outskirts of town. Parking up, I searched the truck for something to cover my arms. With an old tatty jacket over my t-shirt, I got out and walked with my head down past the few people stood in the car park. In no mood to talk, I kept up a fast pace until there was nothing but trees and the sounds of the forest.
Leaves rustled as the wind blew through them. My feet crunched on those that had fallen. The scent of damp earth and wood eased a little of the tension in my shoulders, the bunched muscles relaxing the deeper I went into what was a world of green, brown and orange.
Fall was the season I loved best. It gave an abundance of colours that left me feeling mellow and content. Well, most of the time, when there wasn’t the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Seeing a small stump, I went and sat. Inhaling the damp air, I let it fill my chest and worked on finding my peace.
Do I go home early? Or do I stay and face what is happening in my relationship with Jamie?
Those were both tricky questions. If I went home, then Jamie would more than likely date the prick. If I stayed, then I was going to find myself up to my neck in more feelings than I could cope with. Oh decisions, decisions.
Staring off into space, I sat for longer than I’d planned. Not that I had a plan, but whatever. I was cold and stiff when I traipsed back to the truck. The sky was darkening and the heavy grey clouds threatened rain. Shivering, I climbed back into the cab, no closer to finding an answer than when I came.
Deflated, I drove back into town, checking the time as I passed the bank. Seeing as it was nearly closing time, and there was an empty spot outside, I pulled over with plans to drive Jamie home.
The local radio station announcer was prattling on about some Thanksgiving parade as the minutes ticked by. When staff started to leave, I waited for several minutes, but seeing no sign of Jamie, I got a prickly sensation at the base of my neck. I wasn’t sure why but something urged me to go and find Jamie, now. Climbing out of the truck, I got to the door. Peering through the glass, I pushed open the door and spotted the security guard stood in the foyer.
“Sorry sir, we’re closing.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m here to pick up my boyfriend, Jamie.” Unsure what compelled me to say that, I went with it when the guards face lit up with a smile.
“Oh, I bet you’ve got your hands full with that one. He’s a cheeky little imp.”
Responding to the old guy’s genuine, toothy smile, I grinned back. “You’ve got that right, but I wouldn’t swap him for a million dollars.” The moment the words came out of my mouth I knew they were true. I wouldn’t swap him for anything. He was mine. I just needed to figure out how to change fake into something real.
Itching to go and find Jamie, I asked, “Is it alright if I go find him?” The sense of urgency was making my pulse race.
“His office is at the back and to the left of the counter. He should be out any second.”
I didn’t respond, instead I gave a wave of thanks and walked off in the direction he’d said to take. As I approached Jamie’s office the sound of a loud squeal and a grunt set my alarm bells ringing.
Bursting through the partially open door, I stood speechless for a second.
Jamie was pinned to Brent’s chest, his hands gripping Brent’s muscular arms. A red stain covered his cheekbones and his chest was heaving.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I growled, the anger making it hard for me to see straight as I walked forward and ripped Jamie out of his boss’s arms.
When he collapsed against me and started to sob in earnest, I quickly got the picture.
Tucking Jamie tightly into my chest, I glared at the fucker who was now staring me down like it was me who’d done something wrong.
Jamie
I SAGGED AGAINST TODD, RELIEF pouring through me that he’d managed to yet again rescue me, and stop Brent from trying to kiss me.
I had been minding my own business, packing up my desk when Brent had come into the office to ask about one of the client accounts. While going into my computer to pull up the data, he’d jumped me, dragging me against him. I’d managed to get one good solid kick to his shin before he’d held me hostage.
The years of bullies holding me down had flooded my mind. The pain I’d suffered came back with a vengeance and I’d frozen in my panic. My hands clutching at his arms, I realised, could have been misconstrued to anyone walking into the room. But the panic wouldn’t let go and for a brief moment all I could do was grip his arms.
Then Todd had burst through the door and for that brief second, he’d stood staring at me. I’d thought he was going to believe the worst. Now I could see that was a real misjudgement on my part, yet again. I sobbed into his broad chest, knowing it was something else I’d need to apologise for later. But for now, with his arm wrapped around my shoulder and the scent of the woods clinging to his clothes, I didn’t care. All I wanted was for him to protect me like he’d always done. If that made me appear weak, then so be it. I didn’t care.
“Care to explain why you had your hands on my boyfriend?”
The open hostility in Todd’s voice made me shiver and he clutched me tighter to him.
“I think you’ll find it was the other way around. He had his hands all over me. Your boyfriend seemed to have forgotten your existence when he was in my arms.”
Bristling at the outright lie, I let go of Todd and stomped across the room, my earlier fear forgotten now that Todd was present. My chin thrust forward leading the way, my hands on my hips. “You liar! I never laid a hand on you till you yanked me out of that chair. And the only touch you got from me was a kick to the shins.”
He lowered his face to mi
ne, his breath stinking of curry, or something equally as smelly which caused my guts to churn. I eased a step back, but he followed me.
“Stop telling lies Jamie, you know what happened. And remember it’s my word against yours.” He sneered at me, his eyes firing a warning shot at me that didn’t miss.
The air in my lungs got trapped as the panic returned at thoughts of him reporting me for sexual harassment or some such bogus charge. Strong arms wrapped around me from behind and held me against Todd’s chest, his mouth lowering to my ear.
“Go outside, Bluebell and stay with the guard until I come and get you.” There was such gentleness in his touch, even when his eyes roasted Brent in front of me.
Uncertain, I hesitated until he nudged me towards the door. “Go on, I won’t be but a minute.”
With my chest feeling way too tight, I left the room and ran to Gary. I knew it was useless to even suggest the old security guard go and help Todd, when Todd was forty years his junior and twice his size, but I wanted Todd to have every chance against sleazy Brent.
“Gary, can you go and check that Todd is okay with Brent?” The raised brow and uncertain smile were not what I needed right then. My palms were sweating and time seemed to be racing with every second the love of my life was in the office along with my boss.
Love of my life! Oh shitttttt!
What if Todd believed the crap Brent was probably telling him right now? My heart stuttered in my chest. He wouldn’t, would he?
Twisting around at the sound of feet walking on the marble floor, I didn’t have time to have a debate with myself. Todd strolled over towards me, his whole body vibrating wearing a pinched expression on his gorgeous face.
“See, there he is. I don’t know what you were fussing at Jamie.” Gary patted my arm as you would a silly child saying pointless things.
Giving an absent nod in response, my gaze was fixed firmly on Todd.
I waited till we were out of the building and in the truck before I pounced. “What did he say? What did you do? You didn’t hit him, did you? Shit, what if he presses charges against you, or against me? I’m sure he’s going to tell head office I was harassing him,” I wailed while Todd sat there saying nothing, his hands gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.
“Come on, say something,” I begged, my voice breaking on a sob. I buried my head in his shoulder and broke down. Tears coursed unheeded down my face as arms dragged me across the cab until I was sat in his lap.
“Shush. There, there Bluebell, I got ya. I won’t let that fucker touch you again. You hear me. I’ll break his fucking arms.”
I sobbed and sniffed into his neck, not sure if what he was saying was helping or not. It didn’t answer any of my questions, but I was emotionally drained and couldn’t muster the energy to demand answers. Once I’d calmed down enough and soaked his jacket, he placed me back in the seat, buckled me in, and took me home.
After a hot bath with my favourite bath bomb, and takeout pizza, I headed to bed. I needed to get to grips with where my head and heart were at. After the revelation in my office about my emotions for Todd, I was feeling a little delicate, though not particularly surprised. His tenderness always made me feel special, but somehow with these extra feelings of love floating around inside me, I couldn’t put up the barrier to hide it.
I lay on the cool, cotton sheets and stared up at the ceiling, the glow from the lamp casting colourful shadows through the rainbow-glassed dome covering the bulb. Why did faking it change everything?
It was like I’d flipped this switch on and now I couldn’t turn it off. The love that developed through years of friendship was now mixed with a heavy dose of love that had fuck all to do with friendship. In fact, it wanted no part of the friendship. It wanted hot, naked time with extra sprinkles of lust.
Rolling over, I buried my hot cheeks into the soft pillow and moaned in distress. How had I got into such a mess?
Bright sunlight bathed my eyelids in warmth and roused me from a lovely dream where Todd was doing delicious things to me with his mouth. I stretched and twisted my head towards the clock on my bedside cabinet. Blinking, I rubbed at my eyes when the time didn’t change.
I sprang up, my heart in my throat. It couldn’t possibly be eight forty-five?
I was supposed to be at work in fifteen minutes. With a trembling hand, I checked the alarm. Fuck! In my misery, I’d forgotten to set it.
Frozen on the spot, everything that had happened the previous day came flooding back to me. I sank onto the mattress, my legs turning to water.
My mini breakdown was halted with a light tapping at my door. “Yeah,” I shouted, still not quite sure my legs were steady enough for me to stand.
Todd came into the room, and I noticed he was already showered and dressed. Why hadn’t he knocked earlier to see where I was?
“Mornin Bluebell, I thought I’d just come and check to see if you were alright. And to ask if you wanted some breakfast? I’m grilling some bacon.” His neutral expression masked his thoughts.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I went with my first thought.
“I could hear you moving around a lot through the night after you went to bed”—he gave a shrug, his black t-shirt shifting over his torso and drawing my gaze to the way the muscles flexed at the movement—“so I thought I’d let you have a sleep in,” he finished, sounding totally lame.
A giggle bubbled up at the guilty expression he wore. “Is that right? Even though you knew I have to go to work, you let me sleep in.” My brows arched at the flush that heated his neck and rode up his face.
“I rang the bank and said you were sick and that you wouldn’t be in for the rest of the—”
I jumped off the bed, my shaky legs forgotten. “You did what!” I screeched like an old fish wife, which I’d be mortified about later. But right now I was too angry to care. “I’m not sick. I’ve never once had a sick day in all the years I’ve worked at the b—”
Todd interrupted me as I had done to him, “Then it’s way past time you took some. Class them as mental health days, or whatever you want, but you’re not going in.” He stalked across the room, his eyes glowing with something that made my belly quiver. “You need a few days to think about what you’re going to do about that asswipe. I might not be here to stop him next time,” he growled through clenched teeth, his hands balled at his sides.
I shuddered at the thought and nearly missed the look of distress that Todd wasn’t quick enough to mask. I reached for his hand, needing to soothe us both. I acquiesced. “Okay. I’ll take a few days. But I don’t know what good that will do.” I huffed, but when Todd brought me in for a hug, I went willingly, needing his touch more than I wanted to admit.
Sniffing, I pulled back. Was that the scent of burning meat? “Did you leave the bacon under the grill?”
I didn’t get a chance to say anything else as I was dragged behind Todd as he barrelled from the bedroom, down the hall through the lounge, and into the kitchen.
The pair of us coughed as thick smoke poured out from the grill, making it hard to see. My eyes watering, I ran to the window just as the smoke detector started to blare loudly.
“Fuck. Quick, grab a stool and switch it off or I’ll be charged for a false call out by the fire brigade.”
Todd did as he was told, as I went and turned the cooker off, and took the grill pan out from under the heat. Eyes streaming, I coughed up my lungs as the deafening noise shut off. Forgetting the smoke, I breathed in relief, then started to cough again in earnest.
When Todd came and took the tray from me and offered an apology, I could only manage to muster a nod. My throat was starting to burn from all the coughing and smoke.
I croaked, “Maybe we should go out for breakfast and let the smoke clear.”
Todd
ALL I’D WANTED WAS TO make Jamie feel better, and what I’d done instead was chase us both out of his home. The scent of smoke still lingered in my nose and on my clothes. B
urnt bacon was not a fragrance that worked on anyone.
I glanced at Jamie out of the corner of my eye as he sat silently next to me in the cab of my truck. We’d decided that eating in town might not be the best idea as I’d told his work he had an upset stomach. So we’d decided to go to the next town for a late breakfast. But the silence stretching between us, and the tension I was sure you could cut with a knife, left me debating if I shouldn’t just turn around and head back to town.
It had taken me several hours of tossing and turning last night to work through what I was going to do to win Jamie over. To turn this stupid fake shit we had going, into reality. The truth had hit the moment I’d walked into his office and seen Brent with his hands on Jamie. Regardless of it being against Jamie’s will, what it did show me was that I never wanted to be in a position where I watched another man touch the man who meant more to me than my own life. So I’d devised a plan on how to woo Jamie into seeing that we could be more than just friends.
Then I’d burnt breakfast, which was not part of it. The romantic gesture I’d planned so we could sit down and talk about what I wanted, went up in smoke. My clumsiness and ineptness was something Jamie had laughed at in the past. His face this morning wasn’t laughing.
Now I was feeling uncertain I could achieve anything. How was I supposed to woo him when I couldn’t even make breakfast without it turning into a disaster?
“Didn’t you say you wanted to go to Miss Martha’s for her pancakes?” Jamie questioned, his eyes squinting out of the window.
Shit, I’d missed the turn. “Crap, I wasn’t concentrating.”
“Please don’t say that when you’re driving me,” Jamie squealed in alarm, his gaze now firmly fixed on me.
I flicked a glance at him, offering an apologetic smile. “I wouldn’t do anything that put you in danger, Bluebell.”
A smile curved his lips and put a light into his bluebell-coloured eyes that hadn’t been there since I’d tried to set fire to his home. “I know.”