Falling into Rarohenga

by Steph Matuku

  First published in 2021 by Huia Publishers

  39 Pipitea Street, PO Box 12280

  Wellington, Aotearoa New Zealand

  www.huia.co.nz

  ISBN 978-1-77550-623-2 (print)

  ISBN 978-1-77550-631-7 (ebook)

  Copyright © Steph Matuku 2021

  Cover illustration copyright © Stacy James Eyles 2021

  This book is copyright. Apart from fair dealing for the

  purpose of private study, research, criticism or review,

  as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part may be

  reproduced by any process without the prior permission

  of the publisher.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the

  National Library of New Zealand.

  Ebook conversion 2021 by meBooks

  For my mum and dad

  Contents

  Chapter 01

  Chapter 02

  Chapter 03

  Chapter 04

  Chapter 05

  Chapter 06

  Chapter 07

  Chapter 08

  Chapter 09

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Acknowlegements

  Backmatter

  TUIKAE

  I know something is wrong. I can feel it. That’s the crappy thing about being a twin. It’s like you’re connected by invisible cords that bleed if anything bad happens. Mum said that when I was little, I’d cry if Kae fell over, even if he was in another room or outside where I couldn’t possibly know if he was hurt. One time, I was at home with Auntie Huia while Kae was with Mum at the supermarket. He went missing, and apparently, I screamed and screamed right up until they found him in the underground car park playing racing cars with the trolleys. By then I’d had a fit or something, so an ambulance got called. I don’t remember much about it, actually, except they gave me a lemonade iceblock afterwards and I threw it up all over auntie’s leg. I still hate lemonade iceblocks, even now.

  Anyway, I have that weird feeling in my stomach that I always get when something’s up with Kae, so I push my books away and go over to the library window, which looks out over the rugby fields. There’s a group of kids way off in the corner under the trees, crowded around a couple of boys fighting on the ground. Even though I can’t see properly through the smudgy window, I just know that Kae is there and that he’s not one of the spectators. So I take off, leaving reference books all over the table, and Mrs McKenzie hisses, ‘Tui, clean up your mess now,’ but I can’t because Kae is in trouble.

  Again.

  I sprint down the corridors and bang out the fire exit doors into the quad. Even though I’m hot from running and from that familiar cross feeling I get whenever Kae is doing something stupid, a shiver goes down my back and goose pimples spring up on my arms. It’s chilly for a late summer’s day. Dark grey clouds hang overhead and everything feels too still, as though there’s going to be a thunderstorm. I charge right through a group of giggling girls from my year, and one of them drops her phone and yells ‘bitch’ at me, but I don’t care.

  Bloody Kae. Bloody, bloody Kae.

  I’m getting a stitch already, so I slow down to a jog, and by the time I get to the group of kids I’m puffed out. They’re cheering, and a couple of them have their phones out filming, which makes me so mad. Kae could have his chances ruined forever if something like this gets online. Not that he’d care, but I do.

  I use my elbows, and most of them fall back as soon as they see who I am. I’m pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that I’m Kae’s sister, rather than the fact that I’m a prefect. These guys don’t care about school rules much.

  It’s Ari fighting with Kae, and I’m so not surprised. Ari’s always been trouble. He makes disgusting comments about me when I pass him in the corridor, and I’ve reported him more than once.

  He gets Kae in a headlock and tries to punch him in the face, but Kae twists and elbows him hard in the gut. Ari grunts, before slugging Kae again.

  ‘Stop it, stop it,’ I shriek. I grab at Ari to pull him away, and he swings at my ear, and then kicks out. I trip and fall on top of him, and both of us hit the ground. My elbow connects with his nose, and there’s a sickening and yet – I’m not ashamed to say it – satisfying crunch.

  The kids fall silent, and next minute Mr Tamati has Kae by the collar with one hand and is dragging Ari up with the other. Ari is covered with blood, and good job too.

  ‘My office,’ says Mr Tamati.

  ‘He started it. He took my uke, sir!’ Kae says.

  ‘It’s here,’ offers one of the boys, holding up Kae’s ukulele.

  I don’t care about what they were fighting about. I’m more concerned about my earring, which flew off somewhere when Ari shoved me. I drop to my knees and begin feeling around for it. They were a present from my Auntie Huia, and they’re pretty much the only thing I have of hers. Besides which, they’re diamonds, so hello. I spot a little twinkle in the grass and snatch it up with relief, just as Mr Tamati says, ‘And you too, Tui.’

  ‘Me?’ I scramble to my feet and jam my earring back into its piercing. ‘I had nothing to do with any of this. I was trying to stop it.’

  ‘Oo boke by nobe!’ Ari says, his hands cupped around his stupid, bleeding face.

  ‘You kicked me!’ I snarl, and because I’m still mad at losing my earring, I kick him back. ‘How does it feel?’

  ‘All of you! My office!’ Mr Tamati roars. ‘Anyone else?’

  All the watching kids sift away, heads together gossiping, and soon it’s just the four of us under the darkening sky.

  Ari and Kae slouch off up to the school buildings, and Mr Tamati says, ‘I’m surprised at you, Tui. I hope your brother’s influence isn’t rubbing off on you.’

  ‘I seriously doubt it,’ I snap, straightening my uniform and smoothing my long hair back.

  We may be twins, but Kae and me are nothing alike. Thank God.

  TUIKAE

  Tui is the biggest pain in my arse ever. She’s been banging on and on since we left the school grounds, and I’m over it. It’s all the same. ‘Why are you such a dick?’ ‘Why can’t you get it together?’ ‘You’ve got exams; you’ll never pass at this rate.’ And the classic, ‘You lost me my prefect badge, which could mean the end of my future, and if I don’t get into uni, I’ll kill you.’

  I finally snap. ‘Piss off. It’s not all about you. And nobody asked you to get involved. You just stuck your nose in where it didn’t belong, as usual.’

  ‘You’re so stupid!’ she growls. ‘When are you going to realise that what you do affects me too?’

  I don’t bother replying. I just plop my headphones back on my ears, d
eliberately speeding up to leave her behind.

  We’re cutting through the back of the old shopping centre. There’s not much there now. Most of the shops have either closed down or made the move to the big new mall on the other side of town. There’s a dairy with overpriced everything, a fish and chip shop, a roast dinner shop, a TAB, a clothing store that sells knock-off designer tees that fall to bits in the first wash, a second-hand furniture store and a shop that fixes old lawnmowers and bikes.

  As I grump through the little walkway between the shops, I spot a lady sitting on the brick corner of a weedy garden bed. She’s dressed all in black – not in a Gothy, witchy kind of way, but more sophisticated, like the corporate chicks you see on their way to business meetings in the city. Her hair’s all sleeked back and her lips are blood red. She’s so out of place, I can’t help staring at her a bit.

  She catches my eye and winks.

  I hastily look away, thinking, Jeez lady, you’re old enough to be my mother.

  Except she isn’t. She seems older and younger at the same time. Older than me, older than the world. But young too. No wrinkles or anything.

  Tui snatches the headphones off my head and I jump. I yank them back.

  ‘What were you even fighting about, anyway?’

  ‘He took my uke. I told you.’

  ‘But you’ve let him play it heaps before. I’ve seen you.’

  ‘So? I didn’t want him touching it right that second, okay?’

  ‘You’re so stupid,’ she says, again.

  ‘Piss off,’ I say, again. There’s no way I’m going to tell her the real reason. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

  She flounces off in a huff, and I glance around to see if that lady in black is watching, but she’s gone. I peer down the walkway through the shops, half thinking I should go too, and never, ever go home. I could run off, seek my fortune like in the old days. Stow away on a ship, join a great fleet migrating to a new land, never to return, ever.

  Whatever.

  A drop of water falls on my hand, and I look up. The clouds are thick and black now. Another drop spatters my cheek.

  With heavy feet, I follow Tui home.

  TUIKAE

  on top of everything else, it rains on our way home, and by the time I get through the front door, I’m absolutely satched.

  Kae barges past me as I’m hanging my jacket up. ‘Let me tell her.’

  I’m so mad with him, I yell out, ‘Mum, Kae got suspended!’ I add under my breath, ‘and bloody good job too.’

  Kae gives me this dirty look and stomps off to his room, leaving his shoes and wet jacket lying on the hallway floor. I kick them into the corner. Hopefully they’ll go mouldy.

  ‘Mum?’ I call up the stairs.

  There’s no reply. No surprises there: Mum’s hardly ever at home.

  I head straight to my room. I unpack my books, boot up my laptop, get changed out of my wet uniform and hang it up to dry. Then I go down the hall to the kitchen. I take an apple from the bowl and bite into it, staring idly out the window at our messy garden. When Auntie Huia was alive, the hedges were nicely trimmed and the vege garden was weeded and tidy.

  Mum doesn’t have time to do the garden properly anymore. Kae and I take turns mowing the lawn, and we pull out weeds every now and then if Mum bribes us, but otherwise the garden pretty much does its own thing. Much like all of us, really. Mum’s always off working or studying, Kae is always in his room playing music, and I’m always head down in my schoolwork. I have to, if I’m going to get into uni down south, away from this dump. I’ve got it all figured out. Become a doctor, or a lawyer or something, be rich, live my best life away from here. Okay, so maybe not all figured out, but that’s the general idea.

  I take another bite, chew and then notice something strange. The washing on the line is hanging all limp and drizzly in the rain, but – here’s the weird thing – half of it is still lying in the basket underneath, like Mum couldn’t be bothered hanging out the rest.

  Her laptop’s on the table, and piles of paper and notes are stacked to one side. The screen saver’s still on, so she can’t be too far away.

  ‘Mum?’

  No reply.

  I glance up at the calendar hanging on the wall. Most of the days on it are marked with Mum’s stuff, either ‘Work’ or ‘Uni’, but today’s square is blank. Maybe she’s just gone to the shops or something. Or maybe the school’s called her and she’s gone off to get us? My heart drops at the thought of it. Whenever we get in trouble (and I mean Kae, because I hardly ever do), Mum usually blames herself, and then she throws herself into her work so that she can make more money and give us a better life, whatever that is. To be perfectly honest, she’ll be madder that she’s missing work or study time than about whatever Kae and I have done, anyway.

  Hanging next to the calendar is a collage photo board, all pictures of us smiling and being happy. Not showing the truth, really. Still, most pictures don’t, do they? They say a picture tells a thousand words, but I reckon most of the time they tell a thousand lies. The only picture on the board that comes halfway to showing our true feelings is the one where Dad has been cut off with angry scissors. Kae and I are about ten there. Kae is scowling, I look unhappy and Mum’s face is just blank, like there’s nothing left of her. I remember that after Dad finally left, she started to slowly come back to herself, but she never came back to us. Not really.

  I check the bathroom, the lounge, the laundry. The laundry door leading to the garden is wide open, and raindrops are splattered across the lino. That’s when I start to freak a bit. Mum would never leave the house with the doors open, never.

  I go to Kae’s bedroom and knock. I always knock now, ever since that disgusting incident of two years ago when I’d barged into his room unannounced and sprung him … doing you know what. I mean, he could at least do it under the covers like I did. Boys are so gross.

  He doesn’t answer. I gingerly crack the door open, my hand ready to cover my eyes just in case. But he’s lying on his bed, playing his stupid ukulele and humming along to music in his headphones. He hasn’t even changed out of his uniform.

  His curtains are still drawn, so his room is dark – and messy. You can only just make out the posters on the wall, and the photos of Auntie Huia, and his school friends and sports teams and things. There’s also a picture of Dad, the other half to the one in the kitchen. Kae grabbed it when Mum went crazy, chopping up the photos and burning Dad’s stuff in the backyard. It’s the only photo of Dad in the house. When I was younger, I used to sneak in to look at it. I’d pat his face and whisper my secrets to him. But he never answered, and after a while I stopped doing it. I guess I grew out of it.

  With a grimace, I toe one of Kae’s dirty socks on the floor, and he scowls.

  ‘Get out.’

  ‘Did Mum say she had anything on today? I keep telling her to write it down for us but she keeps forgetting.’

  ‘She’s never here anyway. Who cares where she is?’

  He strums again and starts crooning, ‘It’s not easy to push on through, it’s not easy without you …’

  It gets on my nerves.

  ‘I hate that song. Can’t you play anything else?’

  ‘Get out!’ he roars, and throws a book at me.

  I dodge it and stick my tongue out at him. Then I stamp up the stairs to Mum’s bedroom, hoping I’m putting Kae off his strumming with all the noise. I push the bedroom door open. And that’s when I start screaming.

  TUIKAE

  When Tui screams, I almost fall off the bed. She never screams. Screaming is Out Of Control and Tui is never that. Deliberate, planned, organised and boring, that’s Tui. If she’s screaming, there’s gotta be a good reason for it.

  I scramble from the bed, and charge up the stairs two at a time, still holding my uke. I have to admit, I’m pretty relieved to see her standing in Mum’s doorway. From the sound of it, I thought she’d be bleeding to death or something.

  I
push past her to see what she’s looking at and stop short.

  ‘Whoa.’

  The room’s a mess. Furniture tipped up, clothes and ornaments thrown all over the room, the dressing table mirror shattered.

  ‘Shit.’ My voice comes out all croaky. ‘We’ve been robbed.’

  ‘No, wait …’ Tui has gone white as; she’s trembling and breathing hard as though she’s been in a race. ‘Everything’s there, her jewellery, her bag … and the laptop’s still downstairs …’

  I move into the centre of the room, and I know Tui sees it at the same moment as I do. All Mum’s stuff is scattered evenly around me in a circle, as though it’s been chucked into a salad spinner. It’s like I’m in the eye of a tornado. The room wavers for a second, like the shimmering of sand dunes on a hot day, and I blink. I must be in shock or something. My eyes are playing tricks on me. Then the room steadies, becomes clear once more.

  I take a step back and feel a crunch under my foot. It’s a picture of Auntie Huia. The glass in the photo frame is cracked right across one corner.

  ‘I didn’t do it! At least, I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘Don’t touch anything! The police might need to get finger-prints or something.’

  ‘They’ll find our fingerprints over everything. We live here.’

  I pick up the picture and rub my thumb across Auntie’s face, just to remind Tui she has to quit with the whole bossing around thing, especially because we’re going through A Crisis.

  The ground wobbles under my feet and the light shade jerks back and forth.

  ‘Did you feel that?’ We get little shakes like that now and then, so I’m not too worried. Tui hates them, though. Ever since that big one killed all those people in Christchurch, she’s always been a bit scaredy-cat around them.

  She’s already clutching the door frame. ‘Just so you know, this doorway’s mine.’

  ‘You’re so dramatic. I bet that was only about a three-pointer.’

  The ground shudders again, and the ornaments roll along the floor in an arc. There’s a sharp jolt that makes the bones in my neck crack. I dive for the doorway and hold on tight.