Anger

by Gary D. Chapman

  On one occasion Jesus began to teach His disciples that He was going to suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and that He would be killed and after three days He would rise again. The Scriptures record the reaction of one disciple: “Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him” (Mark 8:32 NIV). Why did Peter rebuke Jesus? Because in his mind, what Jesus was saying was wrong. This is not the way you establish a kingdom. And certainly my Master is not going to be killed. Perhaps Peter thought Jesus was depressed, but he certainly didn’t agree with what Jesus was saying, so he privately rebuked Him.

  In response, “Jesus turned and looked at his disciples.” Then “he rebuked Peter. ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ he said. ‘You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns’” (Mark 8:33 NIV). Jesus knew that Peter misunderstood reality; that in fact he was speaking the words of Satan. In brief, Peter was wrong, and Jesus clearly confronted him with his wrong. On another occasion, Jesus rebuked James and John for their hostile attitude toward the unbelieving Samaritans. They suggested, “‘Lord, should we call down fire from heaven to burn them up?’ But Jesus turned and rebuked them. So they went on to another village” (Luke 9:54–56). Clearly their attitude was wrong, and Jesus brought the matter to their attention.

  Rebuke is not verbal abuse. Rebuke is laying a matter before a brother or sister whom you perceive to have wronged you. Such a rebuke needs to be done kindly and firmly, recognizing that there is always a possibility that we have misunderstood the brother’s words or actions as Peter misunderstood the words of Jesus regarding the Savior’s approaching death.

  I often suggest that people write their rebuke before trying to speak it. It may go something like this: “I’ve got something that has been bothering me. In fact, I guess I would have to say I’m feeling angry. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the situation, but when you have an opportunity, I’d like to talk with you about it.”

  Such a statement reveals where you are, openly reveals your anger, and requests an opportunity to process it with the person involved. You have acknowledged up front that your perception may be imperfect, but at any rate, you want to get the issue resolved. Few people will not respond with an opportunity to talk about it if you approach them in such a manner. If given the opportunity, then you lay before them your perception of what you heard or saw or think to be true, and ask if you are understanding the situation correctly. This gives the person an opportunity to (1) share with you information that you may not be aware of, or (2) explain his motives in what he did or said, or (3) clearly admit to you that what he did was wrong and to ask your forgiveness.

  In this context of open communication, each trying to understand the other, the issue will be resolved. Either by the other’s explanation or the other’s confession of wrong, the framework is laid for reconciliation. If the person admits to wrongdoing and expresses a repentant attitude, the clear teaching of Jesus is that we are to forgive the individual.

  In Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus described how this principle works in the context of the local church. “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” And how do you treat a pagan or a tax collector? You pray for his salvation and you pray for his restoration. You treat the person with dignity and respect, as an individual for whom Christ died. But you cannot have warm fellowship with him because he refuses to deal with the offense, which always divides.

  Thus, in the church or out of the church, reconciliation with a friend or family member is always the ideal. Confronting is never for the purpose of condemning but rather for restoring the relationship to one that is genuine, open, and loving. If there has been a misunderstanding, the air is to be cleared so that we can resume fellowship as brothers or husband and wife. If wrongdoing is confessed, we are to forgive and the relationship is restored. The apostle Paul wrote that we must always remember that next time we may be the one who offends (see Galatians 6:1). None of us is perfect, and when we do wrong, we are likely to stimulate anger in the person whom we have wronged.

  Loving confrontation is not easy for most people. We have had no training and very little experience in this approach to handling anger. We are far more experienced in either ventilating or seeking to deny or hide our anger, but such approaches are always destructive. Loving confrontation with a view to reconciliation is normally the best approach.

  THE FINAL STEP: TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION

  Which brings us to our fifth step: Take constructive action. Once we have explored our options, it is time to take action. If I choose to let the offense go, then I should share this decision with God. You might say something like this: “Lord, You know what has happened. You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel. But I really believe that the best thing for me to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to You. You know not only his actions but his motives. I know that You are a righteous God, so I trust You to do what is right by the person. I also release my anger to You. The anger moved me to think through the situation, and I am taking the step I believe to be best. Therefore, the matter is over. My anger has served its purpose, and I release it to You. Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that come to me over the next few days. I want to use my life constructively and not be hindered by this event. Thank You that I am Your child and You will take care of me.”

  If over the next few days or weeks your mind reverts to the wrong done to you, and the emotions of hurt and anger return, take those thoughts and feelings to God and say, “Lord, You know what I am remembering right now, and You know the feelings that I am feeling. But I thank You that I have dealt with that, and I release these thoughts and feelings to You. Help me now to do something constructive with my life the rest of this day.” Then you move out to face the challenges of today.

  On the other hand, if you choose the option of lovingly confronting the person who has wronged you, remember the challenge given by Paul. “Brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself” (Galatians 6:1). Your confrontation may go something like this: “I have something that is bothering me, and I need your input. Is there a time we can talk?”

  If your request is granted, you may say something like, “I’m feeling some hurt and anger over something that happened. I know that I may be misunderstanding the situation. That’s why I want to talk about it. Yesterday when you [whatever], I interpreted that as a very unkind action. I felt like you were not considering my feelings at all. Maybe I misunderstood your actions, but I need to resolve this.” Perhaps the person will give an explanation that will shed light upon his or her actions and give you a different perspective on the actions and the person’s intentions. On the other hand, the person may admit that what he or she did was thoughtless and unkind and may ask you to forgive him or her. In this case, you must always forgive.

  If the offense was extremely grave in nature, forgiveness may not restore your trust in the person. We will discuss the nature of forgiveness in a later chapter, but forgiveness is the promise that you will no longer hold this particular offense against the person. Your anger has served its purpose, and the two of you are reconciled.

  Such loving confrontation typically results in either a genuine confession of wrongdoing and the extending of forgiveness, or the conversation sheds new light upon the subject; you learn that what the person said or did was not exactly what you had perceived or that the motives were not the ones that you had attributed to him or her. In eithe
r case, the issue is cleared; the matter is resolved and the relationship continues to grow. Anger has served its rightful purpose. It has motivated you to take constructive action to see that the issue was resolved.

  “I DON’T WANT MONEY TO COME BETWEEN US”

  Confrontation does not always lead to justice, but it may well lead to a restored relationship. Nick, a hardworking entrepreneur, had achieved some success in his business and had accumulated a substantial investment portfolio. Jerry, his longtime friend, was starting a new business and came to Nick asking for a loan of $50,000 to help him get his business off the ground. Nick freely loaned him the money. They each signed a simple loan agreement that Jerry could have the money for one year without interest and after that would repay the entire sum or renegotiate the loan.

  By the end of the year, Jerry’s business was no longer in existence, and the $50,000 had been spent. Jerry got another job, but his salary was not adequate to repay the loan. He promised to repay Nick whenever he was able over the next five years. Jerry never made enough to repay the loan. He had good intentions but never came through with the money. Nick let it ride but struggled with anger toward Jerry.

  Eventually Nick had a reversal in his own business and could really have used the $50,000, but Jerry was not able to pay. After much prayer and talking with his pastor and other trusted advisors, he confronted Jerry and shared his anger. Jerry expressed his own pain that he had not been able to repay the loan. “If I had the money, I would give it to you,” he said. “If I ever get it, I will give it to you.”

  Nick decided to no longer expect the money from Jerry. He told Jerry, “We’ve been friends for a long time. I don’t want money to be a barrier between us. If you are ever able to repay the loan, I would really like that, but if not, I’m not going to pressure you over the money.”

  Nick had the legal right to sue Jerry for failure to repay. However, he knew that to do so would devastate Jerry financially. He chose not to do that, believing that it would serve no good purpose. His was the choice to accept less than he desired. He and Jerry are still friends, and Jerry is grateful for Nick’s attitude and sincerely hopes that someday he will be able to repay his old friend.

  There are times when choosing not to seek justice is the best alternative. For Nick, this was a conscious choice that came after confronting Jerry with his thoughts and feelings. Confrontation led to a resolution that was something less than ideal. But Nick is now free from his anger, and his relationship with Jerry has improved.

  Of course, there is always the possibility that when you confront someone the person will deny wrongdoing, even though you know the person has wronged you. This often happens when a spouse confronts a partner who is guilty of having an affair. The partner lies in order to protect himself or herself. The lie itself gives rise to more anger. If you are certain of your facts, you must then realize that you cannot reconcile with this person. Unconfessed sin fractures relations with people and God. You must then decide what your next step will be. This may be turning to a pastor, counselor, or trusted friend to seek advice. It may be reading an appropriate book. It will certainly mean prayer for God’s guidance in what you should do.

  If after further confrontation the person refuses to deal with his wrongdoing, you must eventually acknowledge that the person is choosing not to continue his relationship with you. We cannot make people confess, repent, and reconcile with us. We must let them walk away, and we must pray for them. Loving confrontation does not always result in reconciliation, but it does give us the peace of mind that we sought to deal with the wrong in a responsible manner.

  In summary, here are the steps in responding to anger:

  1. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry.

  2. Restrain your immediate response.

  3. Locate the focus of your anger.

  4. Analyze your options.

  5. Take constructive action.

  This is the road to making anger productive—and it is worth spending some time reflecting on and praying about these steps, or even jotting them in a journal if you are so inclined. You will also find some pointers on these five steps in the summary “Quick Takes” (next page).

  QUICK TAKES

  HOW TO HANDLE YOUR ANGER

  1. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Say it out loud: “I’m angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement makes you aware of your own anger and also helps you recognize both your anger and the action you are going to take. You have set the stage for applying reason to your anger.

  2. Restrain your immediate response. Avoid the common but destructive responses of verbal or physical venting or their opposite, withdrawal and silence. Refuse to take the action that you typically take when feeling angry. Waiting can help you avoid both saying and doing things you may not mean and later will regret.

  3. Locate the focus of your anger. What words or actions by the other person have made you angry? If the person has truly wronged you, identify the person’s sin. How has she wronged you? Then determine how serious the offense is. Some wrongs are minor and some are major. Knowing its seriousness should affect your response.

  4. Analyze your options. Ask yourself: Does the action I am considering have any potential for dealing with the wrong and helping the relationship? And is it best for the person at whom I am angry? The two most constructive options are either to confront the person in a helpful way, or to consciously decide to overlook the matter.

  5. Take constructive action. If you choose to “let the offense go,” then, in prayer, confess your anger and your willingness to turn the person over to God. Then release your anger to Him. If you choose to confront the person who has wronged you, do so gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions. If the person admits that what he or she did was wrong and asks you to forgive, do so.

  “Anger” is one letter short of “danger.”

  AUTHOR UNKNOWN

  WHEN ANGER IS WRONG

  By this time you may be asking, “If anger is so positive, then why has it caused so much trouble in the world?”

  The answer is as ancient as the garden of Eden. The drama revealed in Genesis 3 featuring Adam and Eve, the serpent, and a fruit tree significantly altered human nature. We now have the tendency to take every good gift of God and distort it into something perverse. The gifts of reason, sexuality, love, and so much more have all been perverted.

  Anger is no different. The deceiver is still among us, and the scene of Eden is repeated daily. Perverting the divine purpose of anger has been one of Satan’s most successful tactical designs.

  The Enemy has used many strategies to twist God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all of our anger is of equal value: “If I perceive that I have been wronged, then I have been wronged.” This illusion leads us to conclude that we always have a right to feel angry.

  DEFINITIVE OR DISTORTED?

  But the fact is that much of our anger is distorted. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, steals our property, lies about our character, or in some other way does us wrong. This is the only kind of anger God ever experiences. It is valid anger. The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood, or any number of other things that have nothing to do with any moral transgression. The situation simply has made life inconvenient for us, touched one of our emotional hot spots, or happened at a time when we were extremely tired or stressed.

  I call this “distorted anger,” not because the emotions are any less intense than those experienced with definitive anger, but because they are the responses to something less than genuine wrongdoing. Much of our anger with people is also distorted. What the person did frustrated me, disappointed me, hurt me, or embarrassed me, but what the person
did was not actually wrong. My anger experience may be just as intense as ever, but my response to such anger will be different from my response to definitive anger.

  THE STORY OF A VALIANT SOLDIER

  That people can recognize when anger is distorted and make positive responses is illustrated by the story of Naaman, a great military commander and valiant soldier who had leprosy. The commander had heard from a young girl, a prisoner of war, that a prophet in Israel could heal leprosy. Naaman immediately went to the king, told him what the young girl had said, and asked permission to go to the prophet in Israel. The king not only gave permission but encouraged Naaman in his pursuit. Naaman packed his gold, silver, and other gifts and headed off in search of healing. When, through a circuitous route, he finally reached the gate that led to the prophet’s house, the prophet did not so much as go to the door. Rather, he sent a messenger, saying to Naaman, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.” Naaman’s response is notable:

  But Naaman became angry and stalked away. “I thought he would certainly come out to meet me!” he said. “I expected him to wave his hand over the leprosy and call on the name of the LORD his God and heal me! Aren’t the rivers of Damascus, the Abana and the Pharpar, better than any of the rivers of Israel? Why shouldn’t I wash in them and be healed?” So Naaman turned and went away in a rage. (2 Kings 5:11–12)

  Clearly, Naaman is an angry man. His blood pressure has risen. His nostrils are flared. His feet are stamping the dry ground. His anger quickly jumps to rage. Thoughts, which to him seem logical, race through his mind. How absurd, how foolish. Where is the respect? I’m giving him a chance to show his God’s power, and he tells me to go wash in the muddy Jordan. How ridiculous.