RECONCILIATION AND REPENTANCE
God’s forgiveness toward us serves as a model of how we are to forgive others. The Scriptures say that we are to forgive each other, “just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). In this divine model, there are two essential elements—confession and repentance on the part of the sinner and forgiveness on the part of the one sinned against. In the Scriptures, these two are never separated.
For example, God’s call to Israel was, “‘This is what the LORD says: ‘… Come home to me again, for I am merciful. I will not be angry with you forever. Only acknowledge your guilt. Admit that you rebelled against the LORD your God. … Return home, you wayward children’ says the LORD, ‘for I am your master’” (Jeremiah 3:12–14). Never does God agree to reconcile while Israel continues in sin. There can be no reconciliation without repentance. In the New Testament, Jesus expressed the same reality when He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let me. And now, look, your house is abandoned and desolate” (Matthew 23:37–38). God cannot be reconciled to those who are unwilling to turn to Him.
There is no scriptural evidence that God ever forgave anyone who did not repent of sin and turn in faith to Him. Some would object by raising the following question: What about Jesus’ prayer on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34)? Was that prayer not answered by the Father? My response is, “Yes, but not immediately.” Not only were they not immediately forgiven, but they continued in the dastardly act of crucifying the Son of God.
That they were not forgiven immediately is clear from Peter’s sermon recorded in Acts 2, which took place on the day of Pentecost. Peter spoke to many of those who were responsible for the crucifixion of Christ when he said, “Fellow Israelites, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know. This man … you, with the help of wicked men, put … to death by nailing him to the cross. But God raised him from the dead. … With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them” (Acts 2:22–24, 40 NIV).
He was obviously preaching to some who actually participated in the crucifixion of Christ. More than three thousand responded to the truth and acknowledged Christ as Savior (verse 41). The rest of Acts records numerous others who responded to Christ. And in Acts 6:7 we read, “The number of believers greatly increased in Jerusalem, and many of the Jewish priests were converted, too.” Apparently, it was after Pentecost when many of those who crucified Jesus came to acknowledge Him as the Messiah and experienced God’s forgiveness. Jesus’ prayer on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing,” is an indication of His willingness and deep desire that they experience the Father’s forgiveness. It is this willingness to forgive that we must emulate. But those for whom He prayed did not experience the Father’s forgiveness until they repented and placed their faith in Christ the Messiah.
REBUKING—AND REBUILDING TRUST
Let’s go back to Madison, who felt betrayed by her friend. What should she do?
Let’s look at the biblical paradigm laid out by Jesus in Luke 17. “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive” (verses 3–4). Notice the progression of events. First, there is a sin committed—your brother, sister, or friend treats you unjustly. Immediately you experience valid righteous anger. Your first response is clear: You are to rebuke the person who sinned against you. As noted earlier, the word rebuke means to place a weight upon, to bring a matter to the attention of. In short, you confront the other person with his or her sin.
As we’ve discussed, it is usually best to give yourself time to cool down emotionally before you make this rebuke. But to think that you are going to be totally calm when you have been sinned against in such a radical way is to be unrealistic. However, you must be careful not to sin in your rebuke. You must treat the person as one for whom Christ died. You must exhibit Christian love so that your deepest desire is that the person will confess and repent of her wrong so that you may extend forgiveness.
The next step is that the person who has sinned must repent; that is, she must confess the wrong committed and express a desire to turn from practicing that wrong in the future. If this is done, then Jesus said we are to forgive the person. We are to lift the penalty and receive the individual back into a restored relationship with us. And we begin the process of rebuilding trust. We refuse to allow someone’s misdeed to keep us away from her, and we do not allow our feelings of hurt and disappointment to control our behavior toward her. We forgive her in the same manner that God has forgiven us and in the same manner that we hope she would forgive us if we sinned against her.
Forgiveness, however, does not remove all the effects of sin. When David sinned against Bathsheba and her husband, God fully forgave David when he confessed his sin. But the negative results of David’s sin plagued him throughout the remainder of his life. The same is true of our sin. Let me illustrate. Let’s say that I commit the sin of drunkenness, and in my drunken state I drive my car down the highway. A short time later, I veer off the road, run into a utility pole, and in so doing break my leg and extensively damage my car. I may confess my sin to God before I get out of the car and experience God’s forgiveness. But my leg is still broken and my car is still twisted, even though I am forgiven by God. My wife shows up at the scene, and now I am faced with the reality that I have sinned against her. If I confess my wrong to her and if she chooses to forgive me, I now have the opportunity for rebuilding her trust in me. But she too will suffer; she too will be affected when our car insurance rate goes up because of my accident, and when my license is removed and she must drive me to work. I am forgiven by my wife and God, but I must continue to face the results of my wrong as the news spreads through the community.
No, forgiveness does not remove all the results of sin. I must be held accountable for my actions, and I must seek to learn through my failures.
A second reality of forgiveness is that forgiveness does not remove all of my painful emotions. My wife may well forgive me, but when she thinks about what I did, she may once again feel disappointment and anger toward me. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done. It is a decision not to demand justice but to show mercy; that is what the forgiving wife (or husband) must do. Nor does forgiveness mean that I will never think of the situation again. Because every event in life is recorded in the brain, there is every potential that the event will return to the conscious mind again and again.
If we have chosen to forgive, we take the memory to God along with the hurt feelings, acknowledge to Him what we are thinking and feeling, but thank Him that by His grace our sin has been forgiven. Then we ask Him for the power to do something kind and loving for that person today. We choose to focus on the future and not allow our minds to be obsessed with past failures that are now forgiven.
“BUT IF HE WILL NOT LISTEN …”
But what if the person does not repent? Am I still to forgive the person? The biblical answer is clear, and it is found in the teachings of Jesus. “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” (Matthew 18:15–17). The principles of church discipline delineated by Jesus apply fully as well in any close relati
onship we have (including non-Christians), and it answers the question as to what we do if the person does not repent after our loving confrontation. We broaden the circle of experience by inviting two trusted friends to join us in confronting the erring person once again. If there is still no repentance, then we treat the person as an unbeliever.
How do Christians treat unbelievers? We pray for them; we seek to be kind to them, but we do not treat them as though they were innocent, for they are not. Remember, all sin brings separation. The separation is not removed by our choosing to overlook the sin. Sin always creates barriers in human relationships, and the barriers only come down when there is genuine repentance and genuine forgiveness.
Consider a wife—we’ll call her Angie—who discovers her husband, Tom, is having an affair. Angie confronts Tom with what she has discovered. He may have one of several responses. He may deny the allegations until he is convinced she has evidence. He may confess and promise her that he will sever the relationship with the young woman at work. He may tell her that he is in love with the young woman and that he wants a divorce so he can marry her. He may confess and actually break the relationship with the other person.
It is only the last of these options that will make forgiveness possible. If Angie is to forgive and Tom is to receive genuine forgiveness, he must begin with confession and repentance. Then, together, they can work on rebuilding their marital relationship.
SHOULD WE FORGIVE TO AVOID PERSONAL BITTERNESS?
Back to Madison. Should she forgive her friend simply for her own benefit—so that anger does not harden into bitterness against Sophia? I would certainly agree that Madison should release her anger before it turns to bitterness. But from a biblical perspective, forgiveness cannot be a one-way street. Forgiveness is a gift, one that cannot be opened until the sinner is willing to admit that “I need it and I want it.”
There is no scriptural evidence that God ever forgives the unconfessing, unrepentant sinner. God is always willing to forgive, desirous of forgiving, but He cannot actually forgive until the sinner repents.
The same is true in human relationships. Christians with the aid of the Holy Spirit must always stand ready to forgive, willing and desirous of forgiving, extending forgiveness, but we cannot force forgiveness to someone who does not desire it.
What then should Christians do with their angry feelings and thoughts when the person who wronged them refuses to repent of the wrong committed? I believe that we are to lovingly confront the person as God confronts us. If the individual does not respond positively to our first confrontation, we should pray for him and make another attempt, perhaps inviting one or two others to go with us, thus broadening the circle of knowledge about the sin. If the person does not respond in due time to this confrontation, then the reality of the sin must be shared with the larger community, which typically involves the extended family and, in some cases, the church family.
If the person still does not repent of the wrong, then he or she is to be treated as a “pagan.” This is the word Jesus used. The Matthew 18 passage primarily addresses relationships between Christian believers, but the principle applies to all who would let sin fracture a relationship. A pagan was an outsider, an unbeliever. Whether the offending person is an actual unbeliever or just an unrepentant sinner, we treat the individual the same, as one who has broken fellowship with us. To treat the person as a pagan means we do not regard him as a close friend. We should continue to pray for him, to be kind to him, to treat him with dignity and respect. Remember, here is a person for whom Christ died, a person with whom we would desire to be reconciled. But we cannot act as though the sin does not exist. The fact is the sin has created a barrier between the two of you, and the barrier will not dissolve with time alone.
I am often frustrated when I hear Christians admonish each other that they must forgive the offending party even if the person is unwilling to confess and repent of his sin. How many Christian wives have been put in an untenable position by pastors who encourage them to forgive husbands who are having affairs even though the husband refuses to repent? I understand the intention of the pastor’s advice. He wants the wife to be free of the anger, bitterness, and perhaps hatred that has built up in her heart toward the husband and is destroying her own well-being. He desires to see her freed from all of that and walking in fellowship with God, not allowing her husband’s sin to destroy her life. This intention is wholly admirable, but a nonbiblical forgiveness is not the answer.
TWO DECISIVE STEPS: RELEASE TO GOD; CONFESS ANY PERSONAL SIN
I believe the answer lies in taking two decisive steps. First, commit or release the person who has sinned against you to God, letting God take care of that person rather than insisting that you pay him back for the wrongful action. The Scriptures teach that vengeance belongs to God, not to man. (See Romans 12:19.) The reason for this is that God alone knows everything about the other person, not only his actions but his motives. And God alone is judge. So the person who is eaten up with bitterness toward another who has treated him unfairly is to release that person to an all-knowing heavenly Father who is fully capable of doing what is just and right toward that person.
The apostle Paul demonstrated this when he said to young Timothy, “Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm, but the Lord will judge him for what he has done. Be careful of him, for he fought against everything we said” (2 Timothy 4:14–15). Not only had Paul not forgiven Alexander because Alexander had not repented, but Paul warned Timothy to be on his guard because Alexander may also treat him unjustly. Paul did not whitewash the matter by offering an easy forgiveness to Alexander. Instead, he did the responsible thing by turning Alexander over to God. After Paul made this decision, I don’t think he lost any sleep over Alexander. His anger was processed by the conscious act of turning the offender over to a just and merciful God.
Peter indicated that Jesus Himself took a similar approach. Having discussed the sufferings of Christ, Peter said, “He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:23).
As a man, Jesus did not take the prerogative of taking revenge on those who had wronged Him; rather, He committed the whole situation to God, knowing that God would judge righteously. Often when we have been wronged, we think that if we don’t press the issue and demand justice, then no one will. The fact is that God is in a far better position to be the judge than we. You can turn your erring friend and the wrong committed against you over to God, knowing that He will take the best possible action on your behalf. He is more concerned about righteousness than you are.
The second crucial step is for the person who has been sinned against to confess any of his own sin. Remember, anger itself is not sin, but often we allow anger to lead us to sinful behavior, such as an explosion or implosion (discussed in chapter 6). Thus angry employees returning to shoot it out with the supervisor are sinful; they are committing their own wrong and are compounding the problem. However, when we unleash verbal tirades against the person who has wronged us, or if we commit acts of physical violence, we also are sinful. And let’s not forget implosive anger: Anger held inside often becomes bitterness and hatred, both of which are condemned in Scripture as sinful.
As noted in an earlier chapter, anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident. The biblical challenge is that we are to rid ourselves “of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language” (Colossians 3:8). When you or I become obsessed with our own hurt and anger, we are no longer focusing on God and are guilty of misguided passion. If ever there is a time when we need the help and guidance of God, it is when we have been wronged by a friend or family member.
At that point, prayer is vital. The following prayer may help you take these two steps toward alleviating your own inner turmoil.
Father, You know the pain, the hurt, the anger, the bitterness that I feel toward _________. You know what he (she) has done to
me. You know that I have made every effort to seek reconciliation, but he is unwilling to deal with the wrong. You know his response to me and You know his continued lifestyle. I recognize that he is beyond my control. I cannot make him do what I wish he would do. So I want to commit _________ to You, knowing that You are a just and honest God, and that in the future, You will treat him justly. So I put _________ in Your hands and trust You to work in his life what is best.
I also want to confess that I have allowed his wrong to consume me. I have become obsessed with my anger, my hurt, my disappointment, my frustration. I’ve had a bitter spirit toward this person, sometimes toward You for allowing this to happen. I want to confess that this is wrong, and I want to thank You that Christ has paid my penalty. I want to accept Your forgiveness for my wrong attitudes.
I pray that Your Spirit will fill my heart and my mind, and help me to think Your thoughts and to do only those things that will be helpful in my situation. I don’t want my life to be ruined because of what the other person has done to me, and I know that is not Your desire. Guide me today as I read Your Word, as I seek the right kind of Christian friends, as I look for Christian books that will help me, as I seek to put my life back in Your hands. I want to follow You. I want to accomplish Your purposes. Let this be a day of new beginnings for me. In the name of Christ, my Savior and Lord. Amen.
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