Such a prayer, prayed sincerely, will channel the Christian’s energies in the right direction, namely, toward seeking God’s fellowship and wisdom. If and when the other person confesses and repents of wrongdoing, we must stand ready to forgive and work at rebuilding the relationship.
In the meantime, we are walking in the light, having fellowship with God, knowing that God’s purposes for our lives will not be thwarted because of what someone else has done. In fact, the Scriptures say that God will turn even the wrongs done to us into something positive. (See Romans 8:28–29.) Let me be clear in noting that such action does not restore the fellowship with the person who has wronged you, but it does liberate you to go on with your life and to use your time and energy in a more constructive way.
ASKING FORGIVENESS FOR OUR SINS
In this chapter, we have talked primarily about our responsibility to confront family members and friends who sin against us and to seek reconciliation. However, there is another word from Jesus. It has to do with our own sin. His instructions are clear. “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God” (Matthew 5:23–24).
When we sin against others, it is our responsibility to confess and repent of our own sins. We should take the initiative as soon as we realize that we have done or said something unfairly to another. Thus, it will be clear to the astute reader that whether I have sinned against someone else or someone has sinned against me, it is my responsibility to take the initiative to seek reconciliation. If I have sinned against someone, very likely the person is experiencing anger toward me. If the person has sinned against me, then I am the one experiencing anger. In God’s plan, anger is designed to motivate us to take constructive action in seeking to right the wrong and restore the fellowship with the other person.
QUICK TAKES
FORGIVING WHEN YOU’VE BEEN WRONGED
1. Rebuke the offending person—bring the offense to his or her attention. Do this only after you have calmed down emotionally.
2. Wait for the person to admit his wrongdoing and express a desire to turn from practicing that wrong in the future. When the individual does this, you should forgive him or her.
3. Even after the person repents, realize that there might be lasting scars from the event. You may still struggle with anger or disappointment, but remember that forgiveness entails a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
SENECA
WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY AT YOUR SPOUSE
“I don’t ever remember losing my temper until I got married.”
Dan may have had a faulty memory about his years before marriage, but one thing he was certain of: Sarah provoked his anger. “When she says certain things or gives me ‘that look,’ I get furious.”
Sarah would make sarcastic, rhetorical comments like, “Are you going to fix that broken chair, or do I have to ask my father to come over and do it?” “That look” to which Dan referred happened when Sarah set her head a certain way and stared at him. “That look,” he said, “is worse than a thousand condemning words. What I see in her eyes is, ‘I’m sorry I married you.’”
Dan was angry because Sarah struck at his self-esteem. Most of us want to be liked, accepted, and appreciated. When we’re criticized we tend to respond defensively. Sarah may argue that she is criticizing Dan’s behavior, not his person, but since our behavior is an extension of who we are, it is difficult for most of us, including Dan, to make the distinction. Something deep within Dan said, “It’s not right for my wife to put me down.”
The tone of Sarah’s voice indicated that she too was angry. She has likely concluded that Dan is not doing his fair share around the house. The broken chair sits unfixed while he twiddles on his phone. She takes out the garbage while he obliviously watches TV. That is not exactly her idea of a loving husband.
All married couples experience anger. Experiencing anger is not wrong. The tragedy is that thousands of couples have never learned how to process anger productively. Thus, they explode in tirades that do nothing but make the situation worse, or they suffer in isolated silence as they withdraw from each other. Most of us can look at our own childhood and remember picnics that were spoiled not by the rain but by the parents’ anger toward each other. How many birthdays have been ruined by the bickering of parents who have not learned to resolve their anger? How many holidays have become days of horror because of the reign of anger?
Sadly, most married adults have never learned how to handle anger properly. Marriage becomes a battlefield, each spouse accusing the other of firing the first shot. If the couple do not learn to properly handle their anger, they will never have a satisfying marriage. I say “never” because love and uncontrolled anger cannot coexist. Love seeks the well-being of the spouse, while uncontrolled anger seeks to hurt and destroy.
SIX KEYS TO ANGER MANAGEMENT
The good news is that couples can learn to handle anger responsibly. In fact, they must learn if they are to survive. I’m not suggesting that learning to handle anger is an easy process. I am suggesting that it is a necessary one, and any couple can be successful. Built upon the principles of anger management described in chapter 3, let me suggest a six-step strategy for handling anger in marriage.
First, acknowledge the reality of anger. In the course of marriage, each of us will experience anger from time to time. Some of this anger will be definitive, spurred by wrong action on the part of the spouse. Some of this anger also will be distorted, stimulated by a misunderstanding of what happened. We will each experience a fair share of both types of anger. This is a part of being human and living life with each other.
Remember, anger is not sinful; rather, it is evidence that we have a concern for fairness and justice. Thus, we do not need to condemn ourselves or each other for experiencing anger, nor do we need to deny that we are angry.
When we give each other the right to feel anger, we are giving each other the right to be human. This is the starting place in learning to process anger positively.
Second, agree to acknowledge your anger to each other. When you are angry with each other, give the other the benefit of knowing what you are feeling. Otherwise, the spouse must guess based on your behavior. Such “guessing games” are a waste of time and usually not very accurate. If you are angry toward your spouse, it’s because he or she has done or said something that you deem inappropriate, or failed to do or say something that you expected. In your mind, he or she has done you wrong. Your partner has treated you unkindly, unfairly, or inappropriately. You do not view the behavior as loving. At that moment, the event—the inappropriate action of your spouse—has become a barrier between the two of you. Your spouse deserves to know this. He cannot work on a problem of which he is unaware.
We each deserve the benefit of knowing when our spouse is angry and what she is angry about. The couple who commit to give each other this information have taken a major step in resolving anger productively.
Third, agree that verbal or physical explosions that attack the other person are not appropriate responses to anger. Such unhealthy venting of anger is always destructive and should not be accepted as appropriate behavior. This does not mean that once your spouse and you make this agreement neither of you will ever “lose your cool” again; however, it does mean that when you do so, you’re committed to acknowledging that the response was wrong. Explosive expressions of anger always makes things worse, and the debris from such explosions must be cleared before we can deal constructively with the event that stimulated the original anger.
One practical way to break this negative practice of explosion is to agree that whenever either of you begins to explode, the other will walk out of the room, and if you are followed, you will walk out of the house. If the spouse pursues you in
the yard with yelling and screaming, you will run to a neighbor’s house or around the block. If you both agree to this strategy, then each of you will know that when the other starts walking or running, it’s time to stop and reflect on what is happening. The hope is that when you return from the walk or run, your spouse will have calmed down and will be able to say, “I’m sorry. My exploding at you was wrong. I guess I was so hurt and angry I lost control. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” You can then forgive your spouse for this momentary lapse, and you can pursue the issue that originally aroused his or her anger.
Fourth, agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment. If you are angry with your spouse, your first impression is that his behavior is wrong. But you should always take this as tentative until you hear his side. We often misinterpret the words and actions of our spouses. For instance, he forgot to bring the milk home even after he wrote himself a note. She interprets this as irresponsibility, and she experiences anger. But it may be: the store was out of milk; he took a colleague home from the office and didn’t go by the store; or he knew she didn’t need the milk for dinner and plans to get it when he picks up Lindsay from gymnastics. If she is committed to seeking an explanation, she will hold her judgment of irresponsibility as tentative until she hears his perspective.
Rob thought he heard his wife say on the telephone that he was “late and that she couldn’t stand being late.” He felt angry because he had made every effort to be there on time and was only two minutes late. When he sought an explanation, he found that she was actually talking about a friend’s baby who arrived two weeks late. If actions and words are open to misunderstanding, motives are even more difficult. Since motives are internal, we can never know another person’s motives unless he or she tells us. We often attribute motives to our spouse that are totally off base.
Jonathan was acting wisely when he said, “I may really be misreading this, and that’s why I’m asking for an explanation. It appears to me that you charged $300 at Macy’s. I thought we agreed that neither of us would spend over $100 without consulting the other until we get our debts under control.” He was shocked by Bethany’s response.
“Oh, darling, I can explain. Our section at work went in together and bought Betsy a retirement gift. They asked me to pick it up during my lunch hour since I was meeting Ginger at the mall. So I put the whole thing on Visa, but they each gave me $20. It’s in my purse. I think I have $300. If so, my part is only the tax.”
Jonathan’s anger subsided as he counted the $300. Then he smiled as he remembered what his response would have been six months ago, before he and Bethany took a marriage enrichment class and learned how to process anger. He could visualize his face getting red and his voice exploding to Bethany about what she had done. “I really am making progress,” he said aloud.
“What are you talking about?” Bethany asked.
“I was just thinking about how I would have responded before we took the marriage enrichment class.” Jonathan was smiling now. “I would have been furious and would not have asked for an explanation. Then I would have felt stupid afterward when you told me what happened. I much prefer our new system.” Jonathan and Bethany have learned the benefit of seeking an explanation before making final judgments.
Fifth, agree to seek a resolution. In the case of Jonathan and Bethany, Jonathan’s anger was resolved once he received Bethany’s explanation. Obviously not all anger resolution is that easy. Let’s assume that Bethany had actually broken their commitment and had made a $300 purchase after agreeing that neither of them would purchase anything over $100 without discussing it with the other. Let’s assume her explanation was, “But, honey, it was on sale. I saved $200, and we need it. I didn’t think you would object.”
“Well, I do object,” Jonathan replies. “It would be nice to have it, but we don’t really need it. We’ve gotten along quite well without it, and we can’t afford to add $300 to our debt. We made an agreement, and you have broken the agreement. And I think that is wrong.”
Bethany replies, “I’m surprised at your response. I really didn’t think that you would object. I thought you wanted it as much as I did.”
“I do want it, sweetheart. I would like to have it, but we cannot afford it. And we agreed to draw the line on purchases, and I think we must stick to our agreement.”
“Well, if you insist. I can take it back,” Bethany says. “I don’t want to, but I will.”
“It’s not a matter of wanting,” says Jonathan. His voice is firm but not loud. He is in control of his feelings and offers an explanation. “I would like to keep it, but the bottom line is we can’t afford it now. I wish we could, but you know our situation as well as I do.”
“Okay,” says Bethany. “Then I’ll take it back.”
“Fine. You do know that I love you and someday we will buy it,” adds Jonathan, putting his hand on her shoulder.
“I know you love me, and in retrospect it was a poor decision. I’m glad you are holding me to our agreement.”
Some of you are asking, Is that not extremely idealistic? My response is, Not for couples who have learned how to process anger responsibly and who are committed to loving each other.
Sixth, agree to affirm your love for each other. After the anger is resolved, tell each other of your love. In doing so you are saying, “I am not going to allow this event to separate us.” As a couple, you have heard each other out, the issue has been resolved, you have learned from the experience, and you move on together.
Where genuine wrong has been committed, where one has been unkind, unloving, or unjust, resolution requires confession and repentance on the part of the one who committed the indiscretion and forgiveness on the part of the other. Anger subsides when this process has been completed. Anger has served its noble purpose of holding each of us accountable for our behavior.
In the case of distorted anger, where the anger is aroused by a perceived wrong that later turns out to be a misunderstanding, resolution comes by means of seeking an explanation and finding that one’s original interpretation of events was wrong. The person who has not learned the difference between definitive anger and distorted anger will assume that his anger is always legitimate and the other person’s actions always wrong. Such an assumption does not allow anger to be resolved and will, in fact, stimulate anger in the spouse who knows that your anger is distorted. Your rigid insistence on being right will stimulate anger in your spouse that also needs to be resolved.
One can easily understand how unresolved anger can snowball and become an ever-increasing problem as the marriage goes on. Few things are more important to a successful marriage than learning to resolve anger in a responsible manner.
I believe a genuine commitment to these six principles will get a couple on the pathway toward productive anger management. Marriages need not be destroyed by uncontrolled anger. The Christian must set the pace in learning how to handle anger responsibly. It is my sincere desire that this book will help thousands of couples come to grips with what has become a major problem in Christian marriages. If you are married, I urge you to mutually commit yourselves to these six principles and begin today to practice them.
“IS THIS A GOOD TIME TO TALK?”
In my efforts to help couples get started, I have often suggested the following exercise. On a three-by-five card, write the following words:
I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry. I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?
Put this card on the refrigerator door or some other easily accessible place. The next time you feel anger toward your spouse, run for the card. Holding it in your hand, read it to your spouse as calmly as you can. If it’s not “a good time to talk,” then set a time to talk. And at the appointed time, begin the process of seeking an explanation and resolution of the issue that stimulated your anger. In this brief written speech, you have acknowledged that you are experiencing anger, you have affirmed your commitment not t
o explode, and you have expressed your desire for an explanation and resolution through conversation.
When you sit down to discuss the issue, begin by saying, “I know that I could be misunderstanding this and that’s why I wanted to talk with you. Let me tell you what I am feeling and why. Then if you can clarify the situation, please do so, because I need help in resolving this.” Such a beginning creates a nonthreatening atmosphere in which to discuss the event that sparked your anger.
In every marriage, anger will make its occasional visit for reasons discussed throughout this book. I believe that anger is a friend, not an enemy. The Christian couple who understand the source of anger and the purpose of anger has also the aid of the Holy Spirit to practice this disciplined biblical approach to resolving anger in a constructive manner. This lesson is one of the most important you will ever learn and is an essential ingredient to a successful marriage.
DEALING WITH ANGER TOWARD YOUR SPOUSE
Here are six steps for dealing with anger you feel toward your spouse. Most of these six steps should be in place before the anger comes; that way, when it appears, an agreed-upon plan can help calm and direct the discussion.
1. Acknowledge the reality of anger. Whether your anger is legitimate definitive anger or distorted anger, do not condemn yourself for experiencing anger. Recognize and admit to it, remembering that the anger itself is not sinful.
2. Agree to acknowledge your anger to each other. Express clearly your feeling of anger when it arises; do not make your spouse guess based on your behavior. Both you and your spouse deserve to know when the other is angry and what he or she is angry about.
3. Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate responses to anger. Either kind of explosion will always make things worse.
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