The husband who has been unfaithful to his wife has a much bigger issue to deal with. He has broken one of God’s clearly stated moral laws. He is feeling angry with himself, and his anger is definitive, rising from a moral wrong. With his anger he may feel guilt, shame, and embarrassment. All of these are normal and expected feelings when one has violated moral principles. He feels guilty because he is guilty; he feels shame because he did a shameful thing; he is embarrassed because others know about his sinful act. His anger at himself is real and must be processed, which brings us to the third step.
Third, confess wrongdoing to God and accept His forgiveness. There is only one appropriate way to process anger toward oneself that arises from one’s own sin. That way was prescribed by the apostle John: “If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness” (1 John 1:9). This is the clear message of all Scripture. God loves us and wants to have fellowship with us, but because He is holy, our sin breaks that fellowship, and He must treat us as disobedient children. This means that He will rebuke and discipline us. (See Hebrews 12:5–11.) But when we are willing to confess our sins, He is fully willing to forgive our sins. That is what the cross of Christ is all about. He took the punishment for our sins so that God could forgive us and still be just. Our part is to admit that we need His forgiveness. When we reach out for His forgiveness, He always responds in forgiving love and makes us pure again. Once again, we can enjoy His fellowship.
When our sin has been not only against ourselves and God but against another person, then we are to confess our wrongdoing to the person we sinned against and request his forgiveness. The apostle Paul practiced this in his own life. “I always try to maintain a clear conscience before God and all people” (Acts 24:16). We empty our conscience of guilt toward God by confessing to God, and we empty our conscience toward man by confessing to the person we sinned against. True repentance of sin is always accompanied by a desire to admit our wrongdoing and to make restitution to those against whom we have sinned. Confession is the first step in restitution.
Zacchaeus, the dishonest tax collector, demonstrated this principle when he encountered Jesus. Zacchaeus said, “‘I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord, and if I have cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much!” Jesus responded, “Salvation has come to this home today” (Luke 19:8–9).
Jesus did not forgive Zacchaeus because Zacchaeus offered to make restitution; his restitution was evidence that he acknowledged Jesus as Lord. When one is right with God, his desire is also to be right with other people. The husband who repents of an adulterous relationship and confesses to God will experience God’s forgiveness. He can never experience his wife’s forgiveness until he has acknowledged his wrong. If she chooses to forgive him, he then has the opportunity to work at rebuilding his wife’s trust and bringing new life to the marriage.
Having experienced God’s forgiveness and perhaps the forgiveness of the person we sinned against, we are now ready for step four:
Fourth, choose to forgive yourself. Forgiving oneself is much like forgiving someone who has sinned against you. Forgiving someone else means that you choose to no longer hold the sin against them. You will accept him back into your life as though he had not sinned, and you will seek to continue building your relationship with him. His or her sin is no longer a barrier in your relationship. If the wall is seen as a symbol of her sins against you, forgiveness tears down the wall. Forgiveness allows the two of you to communicate again, to listen to each other with a view to understanding. It opens up the potential of working together as a team.
As noted in chapter 8, forgiveness does not necessarily remove the hurt, the pain, or the memory of wrongdoing. But it does not allow these to hinder the relationship. With time, these will heal. Nor does forgiveness remove all of the results of sin. For example, trust is often destroyed when someone sins against us. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. Trust must be built by the repentant person being trustworthy in the future. If he remains trustworthy in the weeks and months after repentance and confession, trust will grow strong again.
These same principles are true in forgiving oneself. At its root, self-forgiveness is a choice. We feel pained at our wrongdoing. We wish we had never sinned. The reality is that we have. But we have also confessed our sin to God and received His forgiveness. If our sin was against another, we have confessed it and requested forgiveness, and we are seeking to rebuild that relationship. Now it is time to forgive ourselves. We must choose to do so. No positive purpose is served by berating ourselves explosively or implosively. All such behavior is destructive and thus a sinful response to our anger. This too needs to be confessed to God.
Choosing to forgive ourselves is best done in the context of prayer, letting God witness our self-forgiveness. The following prayer may help you express your thoughts and feelings to God.
Father, You know the wrong I committed. I have already confessed it to You, and I know that You have forgiven it. In fact, Your Word says that You no longer remember that against me. I thank You for Your forgiveness. You also know that over the past few weeks I have put myself down, beaten myself with destructive words, told myself that I am not worthy of living, that I deserve to be punished forever, that I wish I could die. I know that these self-destructive thoughts are not pleasing to You. Because You have given me life and because I have trusted in Jesus, I am Your child. I have no right to condemn myself after You have forgiven me. I confess these wrong attitudes to You, and I ask for Your forgiveness.
I thank You that You love me and that You freely forgive. Now understanding who I am—Your child—I forgive myself for the wrongs I have done. Even though the pain may follow me for a long time, and when I think of my failures I may weep, I will no longer allow my past failures to keep me from doing the positive things You have called me to do.
With Your help, I remove those failures from my life forever, and I commit myself to following You in the future.
Such a prayer, offered sincerely, can be the decisive step in forgiving oneself. As in forgiving others, this self-forgiveness does not remove all the pain or memories of your past failure, nor does it necessarily remove all the results of your failure. For example, if one’s sin was lying or stealing, one may still have to face the results of those actions. Accepting God’s forgiveness and forgiving oneself does not keep the thief out of jail. What forgiveness does is to release you from the bondage of your past failures and give you the freedom to make the most of the future. That brings us to step five.
Focus on positive actions. You are now in a position to change the course of your life. You can learn from your failures. Sometimes people make the mistake of trying never to think again about the failure. Their reasoning is, Now that God has forgiven me and I’ve forgiven myself, I don’t want to think about it anymore. This, I believe, is a mistake. The fact is, we can learn much from our failures. The Scriptures indicate that God wants to work good out of everything that happens to us. (See Romans 8:28.) My part is to cooperate with Him. “Father, help me to learn the lessons I need to learn from my past failures” is a prayer that God welcomes.
What are the factors that led you to yield to temptation in the past? Those are things that need to be changed. For example, if you fell to the temptation of alcohol or drug abuse, it may be because you put yourself in a situation that fostered drinking or drug use. In the future, you must not allow this to happen. If your failure was sexual immorality, then you must remove yourself from the environment that would encourage you to repeat that failure. If your sin was fostered by not having a daily devotional time with God, then this needs to be built into your daily schedule. “What caused me to fail in the past?” and “What changes do I need to make to prevent this in the future?” are thoughtful questions that can lead to constructive growth.
In addition to learning from past failures, you are now in a position to take positive steps to
make your future brighter. This may involve reading books, attending seminars, talking with friends, or counseling with a Christian counselor or pastor. These are the kinds of steps that give you new information and insights with which to direct your future. If your sin was against a family member or friend, this is the time to focus on positive action toward that person. I do not mean that you seek to manipulate the individual into forgiving you or thinking more positively of you. Manipulation is an effort to control another person. This is never constructive in human relationships. I am talking rather of acts of love that reach out to do something good to the other person without expecting anything in return.
Unconditional love is not payment for services rendered, nor is it a bribe to get what we want. It is a true effort to enhance someone else’s life simply because we care about him or her. It is what God does for us every day.
THE POWER OF LOVE
When it comes to positive action, love is the greatest. The Scriptures indicate that if we choose to live a life of unconditional love for other people, God will give “us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:5). Loving is God’s lifestyle. It is central in God’s desire for us. “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples” (John 13:34–35).
Love is to be the distinguishing mark of the Christian. As you take positive action in loving the person you have wronged, you cannot force him to reciprocate your love, but you can be confident that love is the most influential weapon for good in the world. If your love is truly unconditional and is expressed in actions as well as words, you are doing the most powerful thing you can do for another person. However the individual responds, you will feel good about yourself because you are following the teachings of Jesus. You have been forgiven by God, perhaps by others, and you have forgiven yourself and are facing the future with hope.
QUICK TAKES
ARE YOU ANGRY AT YOURSELF?
1. Admit your anger. Write it down if necessary. Voice it to God in prayer.
2. Examine your anger. Is it justified—or are you loading yourself with needless guilt and shame?
3. If your anger toward yourself is valid, confess wrong-doing to God and accept His forgiveness.
4. Choose to forgive yourself rather than berating yourself. In prayer, let God witness your self-forgiveness.
5. Learn from your failures. Take positive steps toward ensuring that the wrongdoing will not recur.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
PROVERBS 15:1 (NIV)
CONFRONTING AN ANGRY PERSON
Sitting in my office one April afternoon counseling a young couple, I heard a loud rapping on my office door. “Pardon me,” I said to the couple, as I stood and walked to the door. As I stepped outside, I saw a man who appeared to be in his early fifties. He wasted no time in stating his mission.
“I’ll tell you right now, the church will pay for my muffler. Those speed bumps are too high,” he said, pointing to the church’s parking lot adjacent to my office. “They pulled the muffler right off my car, and I wasn’t going fast. They should never have installed those speed bumps. If they tore my muffler off, they’ll tear somebody else’s muffler off. The church is responsible, and they are going to pay for it.”
He said all of this without taking a breath and in his loudest staccato voice. His face was red. His eyes were glaring, and his nostrils were flared. I knew I was in the presence of an angry man.
I closed the door to my office. (Up until this time, my hand was still on the knob and the door still ajar. Perhaps subconsciously, I was planning my way of escape in case he got violent.) I said to him softly, “Now tell me again exactly what happened to your car.” Again his angry words began to flow.
“I was driving through the parking lot, and when I went over that speed bump, it pulled my muffler right off the car. I don’t know when they put those speed bumps in. They are too high, and somebody is going to pay for my muffler.”
“Now tell me exactly which direction you were traveling and which speed bump you hit,” I continued.
SLOWING DOWN
His voice lowered a bit and his pace slowed as he said, “I was coming from the activities building around toward Peace Haven Road. It’s the speed bump at the end of this building. Why did they put a speed bump there? It’s too close to the street.”
“And did it pull your muffler completely off your car?” I asked.
“No, it’s still hanging on at the back, but it’s dragging on the street. I’ve got to find some wire to attach it so I can drive home. It’s not right. The church should pay for my muffler.”
Feeling that I had heard his story and understood the situation, I said to him, “I can see why you would be upset. I would be upset if that had happened to me. I didn’t realize the speed bumps were that high, but if it pulled your muffler off, it will likely pull someone else’s muffler off, and we need to have it fixed. I can assure you that the church will pay for having your muffler repaired. That’s the least we can do. If you will send me the bill, I’ll make sure that you get reimbursed. If I weren’t counseling with a couple, I would go down and try to help you attach your muffler. But I think you will find one of our maintenance men on the first floor. Perhaps he could help you find some wire. I really appreciate your sharing this with me, because if you hadn’t taken the time to come up here, I would not know that there is a problem with the speed bump. And obviously we need to have it fixed. I appreciate your taking the time and effort to come up and share that with me.”
Now, more calmly, he said, “Well, I just felt like you’d like to know it. Did you say that you’re counseling a couple?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Oh, I’m so sorry I interrupted you,” he said. “And I’m sorry I beat on your door. I should not have been so upset.”
“I understand. It was a pretty loud rap,” I said, smiling.
“I know. I’m ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t have gotten so out of control.”
Not wanting to add to his guilt, I said, “All of us sometimes get out of control. It’s good when we realize it and are willing to admit it. I’ve been there. I know, but I genuinely appreciate your sharing the information with me about the speed bump. And we will have it corrected.”
Backing away from me and moving toward the door of my outer office, he said, “Thank you, and again, I’m sorry I disturbed you.” As he opened the door and walked into the hallway, I said, “It’s okay. Thank you.”
I had never seen the man before or since. But I have often used this experience as an example of how to respond to an angry person. Perhaps I use it because this is one time when I feel I did it right. (Incidentally, I never received the man’s repair bill for the muffler. I can only assume he was too ashamed of his behavior to divulge his name and address.) The speed bumps had been installed two weeks before. As far as I know, his was the only muffler that was ever attacked, although we did have some complaints that the speed bumps were too high. The next week, we had them shaved.
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO
From time to time most of us encounter angry people. Some are out of control. Others are trying hard not to be verbally or physically abusive, but inside they are steaming over what they consider to be an injustice. It may be a neighbor who believes that you have treated him unfairly. It may be a fellow employee who perceives that what you have done is wrong. It may be a fellow student who accuses you of cheating or is angry with you because you will not cheat. It may be a mother-in-law or a brother-in-law, a father or a son, an uncle or a nephew, or it may be someone you have never seen before, such as the man with the wounded muffler. How are we to respond to these angry people?
Let me suggest seven steps. The first three are extremely important. First, listen. Second, listen. Third, listen. The best thing you can do for an angry person is to liste
n to his story. Having heard it, ask him to repeat it. Having heard it a second time, ask additional questions to clarify the situation. Listen at least three times before you give a response. That’s why I call listening the first three steps in responding to angry people.
In the first round of listening, you become aware that you are in the presence of an angry person, and you get something of the person’s story and the heart of why she is angry. In the second round of listening, she begins to see that you are taking her seriously, that you really want to understand what happened, and you are not condemning her anger. In the third round, she is scraping up the details and making sure you get the whole story; at this point, the individual usually begins to calm down, as she senses that you are trying to understand her. It takes at least three rounds of listening, sometimes four, for the angry person to get out all of his or her concerns.
If you respond to someone’s anger before you have thoroughly heard his story, you will not defuse the anger. You will compound it. Inside the mind of the angry person is a deep sense that he has been wronged. He is expressing his anger to you either because you are involved or he thinks you have the power to help. When you listen to him, you are respecting his right to be angry. You are treating him as you wish someone would treat you if you were angry. This is what all of us want when we are angry. Why not give it to the angry people whom you encounter? Listening paves the pathway to understanding, which brings us to our fourth step.
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