While all of these positive purposes are true, they still do not answer all the questions that race through our minds in the face of personal pain and loss. The call of God is that we will trust Him in the darkness as we trusted Him in the light. He has not changed, even though our circumstances have been painfully altered.
HOW DO WE DEAL WITH OUR ANGER TOWARD GOD?
The problem with our anger toward God is not the anger itself but how we handle the anger. We could paraphrase Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:26 by saying, “When you are angry with God, do not sin.” Your anger with God is distorted anger. God has done you no wrong, but your feeling is still real anger. In fact, your anger is not a choice. Anger was your response to a situation that brought great pain to you and that you believed God could have averted. Thus, in your mind, God has treated you unfairly. Anger is the normal human response when we encounter what we perceive to be injustice. God made us with this capacity for anger. However, what we do with our anger is our responsibility. This is where we exercise the human freedom that God has given us.
The first step in responsibly handling our anger toward God is to take the anger to God. You need not be ashamed of your anger, for it is evidence of your concern for fairness. You can freely express your perception of things to God. You will not “hurt His feelings,” nor will you stir up His anger. You are His child, and He wishes to share all of life with you. Your anger will not catch Him by surprise. He knows what you are experiencing and wants you to share your thoughts and feelings with Him.
“I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, LORD”: ELIJAH’S STORY
Beyond Job, the Bible tells many stories of people who expressed anger toward God—such as the great prophet Elijah. In 1 Kings 18–19, we find that Elijah had confronted King Ahab with his sin and had challenged the prophets of Baal to a “showdown.” Elijah had seen the demonstration of supernatural power when fire fell from heaven and consumed the sacrifice at Elijah’s invocation. The people responded, “The LORD—he is God! Yes, the LORD—he is God!” (1 Kings 18:39). The prophets of Baal were then destroyed, and God—and Elijah—had won a great victory.
But Elijah’s fortunes turned quickly. The next day, Queen Jezebel sent word to Elijah that within twenty-four hours, she would see that he was killed. Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. The word anger is not used in the biblical text, but we can read between the lines in Elijah’s prayer: “‘I have had enough, LORD,’ he said. ‘Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors’” (1 Kings 19:4).
After this desperate prayer, Elijah fell asleep. In due time, he was awakened by an angel who simply said, “‘Get up and eat.’ He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water!” After eating, Elijah fell asleep again and was again awakened by the angel and instructed, “Get up and eat.” Strengthened by the food, Elijah traveled forty days to “Mount Sinai, the mountain of God. There he came to a cave, where he spent the night” (see verses 5–9).
With Elijah fully fed and rested, God initiated a conversation with Elijah about his emotional state. Elijah’s response was, “I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.” The Lord’s response was not to argue with Elijah; rather, He asked Elijah to stand on the side of the mountain and observe. Elijah saw a powerful wind tear the mountains apart, an earthquake, and then a fire, but in none of these did Elijah see God. “And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave” (verses 10, 12–13).
Then God initiated another conversation with Elijah. Elijah repeated his prayer, expressing his disappointment that in spite of all he had done for God, he was now the object of a manhunt. God’s response would seem strange to some. He commanded Elijah to anoint a new king over Aram (Hazael), a new king over Israel (Jehu), and a prophet to succeed him (Elisha). God told Elijah that these leaders would take care of those who were opposing him. God also told Elijah that he was not the only one who worshiped God—that, in fact, there were seven thousand in Israel who stood true to God. Elijah accepted his new assignment from God, got up, and started on his journey.
We see from this story the value of talking to God about our anger. God is our compassionate Father and wants to hear our complaints. At the same time, He is also the sovereign God who does no wrong. He will either help us understand His perspective on our present situation as He did with Elijah; or He may, without explanation, simply ask us to trust Him as He did with His servant Job.
Elijah illustrates the second step in processing our anger with God: Listen to God’s message. Having expressed our honest concerns to God, we are now in a position to listen to His “quiet whisper” to us. This sometimes comes through a trusted Christian friend or through a sermon by a faithful pastor. It may come through reading a Christian book written by a believer who has walked a path similar to ours. God’s word may come through the words of an old hymn or a contemporary chorus, or it may come in your personal times of reading the Scriptures. Whenever God speaks, you will know it is His voice if the message you receive is consistent with Scripture. We listen to His voice, look for the good that may come out of this painful situation, and seek to grow in Christlikeness.
In the final analysis, we must accept what has happened in our lives, choosing to believe that though we do not understand it, God will use it to accomplish His good purposes. God’s own Word, the Scriptures, and His very character as a wise and sovereign God, indicate He will. Listening does not always lead to understanding, but it does lead to accepting our situation without malice toward God.
This stage of acceptance may come quickly or it may take weeks, even months. But the believer who honestly shares his anger with God, eventually “will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds” (Philippians 4:7).
With this peace comes the full assurance that my life is in the hands of a loving God, that what has happened does not mean He has abandoned me. Rather He is touched by the feelings of pain that I experience and interprets even my anger as an expression of my love for Him. After all, why would I be angry if I did not believe that He loved me and would look out for my interests?
After the peace of acceptance settles upon us, there is a third stage. We report for duty to get our next assignment from God. As long as we are alive, God is not through with us. Though Elijah wanted to die, God had kings for him to anoint. You may be diseased, discouraged, disappointed, and in deep pain; but God has plans for you, and those plans are all good. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the LORD. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope’” (Jeremiah 29:11). As we get up and begin to do what God has gifted us to do, it does not mean that our pain has evaporated. It does mean that our anger is no longer a barrier between us and God.
Diane, whom we met at the beginning of this chapter, sat in my office over twenty years ago. Today, as she has done for many years, she is teaching a women’s Bible study. Her classes are always crowded. “She has experienced what she teaches,” one lady said. Diane does not seek to whitewash her pain and fully acknowledges that daily she thinks of her Jennifer and wonders what would have happened with her life if she had continued to live. Yet she also acknowledges that God has taught her much through the heartbreak.
Diane has many unanswered questions, but she is willing to wait for answers. In the meantime, she has chosen to believe that God is at work even in the most painful of life’s experiences.
CAIN—OR ELIJAH?
Elijah was able to move on from his anger with God. On the other hand, Cain stands forever as the first example of how not to respond to anger. He lured his brother Abel to a secluded field and there murdered him. God held Cain accountable for his s
inful behavior. Cain’s life went on for many years, but it was marred by the sinful act he committed, which was motivated by distorted anger toward God.
Every person who feels anger toward God will follow the example of either Cain or Elijah. If we follow Cain, we will yield to our sinful impulses and in uncontrolled anger do things that will make our lives more difficult. If we follow Elijah, we will fully share our anger with God but also listen to the “quiet whisper” that comes from God. With much or little understanding, we will choose to trust God, knowing that He too is acquainted with pain.
For the Christian who learns to process his anger toward God constructively, the future holds hope in spite of the present pain. And for many believers, history will repeat the epithet of Job. “So the LORD blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning” (Job 42:12). Like Diane and like Job, we will receive God’s blessing, and He will use us in great ways.
QUICK TAKES
WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY AT GOD
1. Take the anger to God. Freely share your feelings. As our compassionate Father, God wants to hear our complaints. At the same time, as our Sovereign Lord, He will either help us understand His perspective on our situation, or He will ask us simply to trust Him.
2. Pay attention to where He may be speaking. God’s “quiet whisper” to us may come through a trusted Christian friend, a pastor’s sermon, a book, an event. Other times His purpose or simply His peace will come through music, prayer, or reading His Word. However it comes, you will know it is His “whisper” if the message you receive is consistent with Scripture.
3. Report for further duty. As long as we are alive, God still has “hope and a future” for us, a purpose whereby we can carry out His good plans.
Be at peace with yourself and then you will be able to bring peace to others.
THOMAS À KEMPIS
“I’M ANGRY AT MYSELF”
The radio announces it is 65 degrees at 8 a.m., and Ron decides this is a perfect day to repair the steps leading to the deck behind his house. Within fifteen minutes, Ron is outside, hammer in hand. A minute later Ron hits his thumb with the hammer.
Waves of intense physical pain are quickly followed by waves of intense anger at himself. How stupid! Why did I keep my fingers on that nail? I should have hired a carpenter to do this. I know I’m not good at this stuff.
What is Ron experiencing on this summer Saturday? Anger directed at himself. He believes that the pain in his thumb, which is now running up his arm and making him dizzy, is because of his own careless behavior. His anger grows as he concludes that he made a wrong decision when he chose to repair the steps himself. What an idiot. Now I might have to go to the ER. Day’s ruined.
Carmen has been dealing with a new job requiring a lot of travel. Her friend Rose has texted and called several times and left messages suggesting they get together. Carmen keeps thinking she’ll get around to responding to Rose’s messages. The longer she puts it off, the guiltier she feels, especially because she knows Rose is between jobs and struggling. After a few weeks Rose stops calling. Carmen is angry at herself (I’m such a bad friend, she thinks). She would like to reconnect with Rose but isn’t sure how.
From time to time, most people feel anger toward themselves. Usually it is because we perceive that we have done something wrong: We have acted carelessly, foolishly, or irresponsibly. In the heat of this anger, our thoughts are self-condemning. As with Carmen, anger is sometimes accompanied by guilt and shame.
As we have noted throughout this book, anger is an emotional and physical response of intense displeasure when we encounter someone or something that we perceive to be wrong, unfair, or unjust. When we experience anger toward ourselves, it is because we perceive that we are the ones guilty of the wrongdoing, the unkindness, the injustice, or, as in the case of Ron, the careless act.
“I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT”
Often, falling short of our own expectations can provoke self-focused anger. Jonathan was a young business executive, a hard worker, and a rising star in the company. But on Tuesday night, his wife, Kim, found him moping in self-condemnation. “I can’t believe I left one of the most important elements out of my report. When my colleague mentioned it, it was so obvious. I can’t believe I overlooked that. It makes me look so stupid, and to think the VP was there. He never comes to those meetings. I just can’t believe it.”
Jenna usually comes home from choir rehearsal in a positive, excited mood, but tonight Mac notices that she is quiet and withdrawn. “How did choir go?” he asked.
“It was awful,” she said. “I don’t know why I tried out for that solo. I should never have auditioned. I sounded terrible. I know I can do better than that. I don’t know what happened. My voice just tightened up. I sounded like a screeching owl.”
Jonathan and Jenna are angry at themselves because they did not live up to what they know they are capable of doing. They reason that not to do one’s best is inexcusable. Therefore, they are angry with themselves for their poor performance.
Most of us sometimes act carelessly or foolishly. When these acts result in detrimental consequences, we tend to get angry with ourselves for being foolish or careless. Bruce was driving down a straight stretch of interstate highway in his newly leased car. He was focusing on his GPS when he ran into the back of a slow-moving pickup truck. He was furious with himself. I can’t believe I did that! I’ve always lectured Andy to never text or drive distracted. Keep your eyes on the road. I’ve told him that a hundred times, and now I do something stupid like this!
Perhaps the area that makes us the angriest at ourselves is when we violate our own strongly held values. The Christian husband who is sexually unfaithful to his wife may try to blame her for his indiscretions but may later experience intense personal anger for allowing himself to fall into immorality.
Stacy, a committed Christian, lied about having completed a task at work. It wasn’t a major project, but she had been putting it off, and when her boss asked if she had finished the job, she told her she had, not wanting to get into trouble and figuring she could finish the task and no one would be the wiser. But somehow her boss found out and called her on it. Driving home after work, Stacy brooded over the episode: Why did I do that? I didn’t even have to lie.
Anger at ourselves over our own moral or ethical failure is often accompanied by feelings of guilt. Anger and guilt should lead to repentance and refreshing forgiveness, which we will discuss later. However, sometimes we wallow in our guilt and turn our anger inward.
“MY LIFE IS USELESS” AND OTHER UNHEALTHY RESPONSES
Whatever the source of the anger we feel toward ourselves, we must learn to process it constructively. Explosion and implosion, which we looked at earlier, are negative forces we can turn on ourselves. We may explode through orally berating ourselves in private or with others: “I can’t believe I can be so stupid. I don’t ever do anything right. How did I do this? I am so ashamed of myself. I don’t think I can ever face the world again. I wish I could just die.” Such tirades may extend to physical acts of violence—pulling one’s hair, scratching oneself, beating one’s head against the wall or floor, cutting one’s body with sharp instruments, even suicide attempts.
On the other hand, we “implode” when we attack ourselves mentally and silently. On the outside we may appear to be calm, but inside we are raging against ourselves. I deserve to suffer; look what I did. I was so stupid. I don’t know why anybody would believe in me again. I did what I knew was wrong. I don’t deserve forgiveness.
Sometimes the thoughts are highly condemning. My life is useless. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t have any reason to go on living. These are the emotional messages that play in the minds of those who internalize anger toward themselves. Such internal self-condemnation often has a detrimental effect upon the body and brings on physical problems usually associated with the digestive and neurological systems of the body.
Obviously, neither explos
ion nor implosion is a healthy response to self-focused anger—so how can we deal with this anger constructively?
FIVE GOOD WAYS TO BE ANGRY AT YOURSELF
Let me suggest a positive approach to processing anger toward oneself. The following five steps represent healthy responses to your anger.
First, admit your anger. Admit it to yourself, to a trusted friend or family member, to a counselor or pastor, but admit that you are experiencing anger toward yourself. “I am really feeling angry at myself” is the first statement of healing. Admit the other thoughts and feelings that accompany your anger. Perhaps: “I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel so stupid for letting this happen. I feel like I have let people down, including myself and God. I feel so irresponsible.” Express as clearly as you can what you are thinking and feeling.
If you like, write the statements down. Say them aloud to yourself and say them in prayer to God. But admit and declare your anger.
Second, examine your anger. Anger toward oneself may either be definitive anger or distorted anger, as discussed in chapter 4. Definitive anger at myself means that my anger grows out of an actual wrong that I have committed. Distorted anger means that my anger has arisen from a perceived wrong rather than a real wrong. Both must be processed, but it is helpful to know the kind of anger that you are dealing with. There is a vast difference between the anger Ron felt when he hit his thumb with a hammer and the anger a husband who has been sexually unfaithful to his wife feels. The latter is an immoral act, and the anger is definitive. On the other hand, hitting one’s thumb with a hammer is not immoral.
But it is careless, so Ron may choose in time to confess his carelessness to God, accept forgiveness, and seek to learn from the experience. He might pray, “Father, forgive me for being careless with the body You have given me. Thank You for Your love and Your forgiveness. Help me to learn from this painful experience. I love You and pray for the healing of my thumb.” After such a prayer, Ron’s anger subsides while his thumb continues to throb. He has handled his anger in a constructive way.
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