Anger

by Gary D. Chapman

  Next, seek to understand the angry person’s plight. Put yourself in her shoes and try to view the world through her eyes. Ask yourself, Would I be angry in the same situation?

  It was not hard for me to identify with the angry man whose muffler lay beneath his car in the church parking lot. Had it been my car, I would likely have felt similar angry feelings. I may not have responded the way he responded, but it was not difficult to understand his anger.

  It is true that sometimes the person’s anger may be distorted. He may not have all the facts. He may be overlooking his own responsibility. My angry intruder may have been speeding through the parking lot. After all, that’s why the speed bumps had been installed. They had been in place for two weeks, and his was the first muffler to be abducted. On the other hand, perhaps his muffler was hanging lower than the mufflers on other cars. These were details of which I had no knowledge and which were of little concern to him. It would have been useless for me to have raised those issues; they would simply have been attempts to defend the church and to point blame toward him. Both of these would likely have escalated the anger rather than helped to process it.

  If you can listen long enough to get all the thoughts that are rumbling through the mind of the angry person, you will likely be able to understand why he is angry. Whether one’s interpretation of the situation is correct is not the issue at this point. What you are trying to do is to understand what the person is seeing in the situation. Given his interpretation, can you see how he would feel angry? This is not the stage in which to argue with the person about his interpretation. What you are trying to do is to understand his anger so that you might help him process it.

  “I WOULD BE UPSET TOO”

  Marina and Alicia worked in the same unit at a hospital. Marina heard by way of the grapevine that Alicia had told their supervisor, Barb, that Marina would be happy to work on New Year’s Day because she hated football games and would like to have a reason to get out of the house. Marina had been chewing on this tidbit of information for the last two hours. As she did her work, she was thinking, I really wouldn’t mind working that day, but Alicia had no right to tell the supervisor that. She’s simply looking out for her own interests and taking advantage of me. Her anger was beginning to fester. Two hours later when the holiday work schedule was posted and Marina saw her own name on January 1, she exploded.

  Later, on break, she went up to Alicia and said, “You had no right to tell Barb that I would be happy to work on a holiday. You had not asked me about that. Don’t ever speak for me!”

  Alicia, startled, had no idea what Marina was talking about but said, “Marina, let’s go sit down. Now tell me exactly what you are talking about.”

  “You told the supervisor that I would be happy to work on January 1 because I hate football and would like an opportunity to get out of the house. Well, that’s partly true, but you had no right to set me up to work on a holiday. That’s wrong, and you know that’s wrong. And that’s why I’m upset.”

  The situation began to dawn on Alicia. “Are you saying that you think that I told her that you wanted to work on New Year’s Day and that she should assign you that holiday rather than me?”

  Marina nodded.

  “Then I can see why you would be so angry,” Alicia said. “It makes sense. If I thought that you had done the same thing to me, I would be upset too. I don’t blame you for being angry. I would probably be angrier than you are if I thought you had done that to me. But let me tell you what really happened. Barb came to me and asked if I would like to work on January 1. I told her that I preferred not to, but I would be happy to if she couldn’t get anyone else. I did say, ‘You may want to check with Marina. I know she’s said she doesn’t want to stay home on New Year’s Day. She might be interested in working.’

  “I thought the supervisor would go to you and ask if you wanted to work. I was certainly not telling her to assign you to work without asking you. In fact, if you want, I can work on the first. It’s probably my turn.”

  Alicia, after listening, expressed understanding of Marina’s anger by putting herself in her coworker’s shoes. This is the fifth step, expressing understanding of the other person’s anger. Alicia told Marina that she, too, would be angry if the same thing happened to her. And by doing this, Alicia defused the adversarial dynamic of the conversation.

  Once you understand the other person’s plight (step four), let them know you understand. You stand beside her in her anger. You acknowledge you not only understand her anger but that you would be angry in a similar situation.

  Having expressed understanding of the other person’s anger, you are now ready for step six: Share additional information that may shed light on the subject. In the case of Alicia, this meant telling Marina exactly what happened in her conversation with Barb, the supervisor. It was the sharing of this information that allowed Marina the freedom to let her anger subside and to realize that Alicia had not wronged her. If anyone had wronged her, it was the supervisor by not checking with her before making the work assignment. But since Marina had actually wanted to work on the holiday, any anger she felt toward Barb was short-lived.

  Often the person we encounter has distorted anger; she does not have all of the facts or she is misinterpreting the facts. We do the person a great service when we share our perception of what happened. But if this is shared too early in the process, we will not be heard, and we will find ourselves in a heated argument with the angry person.

  “Setting the person straight” immediately after she has unleashed her first statement of anger is a serious mistake. It will almost always spark conflict and seldom leads to a positive resolution. Friendships are often destroyed by such angry counterattacks.

  It is important to share the facts as you see them but only after you have listened, understood, and expressed understanding for the other person’s anger. Then your information will likely be received and processed in a positive way by the angry person. This leads to resolution of the issues and restoration of the friendship.

  The final step in responding to the angry person is confession and restitution. If you realize that the angry person’s anger is definitive; that is, you have genuinely wronged her—intentionally or unintentionally, what you did or said was unfair and hurt her deeply—then it is time for your confession and efforts to make right the wrong you have committed.

  What would such a confession sound like? It would include accepting responsibility and asking for forgiveness. To try to defend one’s own actions when you have, in fact, been wrong is an effort in futility and will again lead to argument and seldom to resolution. Many of us find it very difficult to admit that we have done or said something wrong. To admit failure diminishes our self-esteem, and thus we fight to be right even when we know we are wrong. Such behavior ultimately is to the detriment of one’s self-esteem. When we know that what we’ve done is wrong and we defend ourselves rather than admitting our wrong, we may be able to convince others by our defense, but we do not convince ourselves. Our conscience begins to fill with guilt, and we feel bad about ourselves.

  Defending our own wrongdoing is never a road to mental or relational health. On the other hand, confession and restitution almost always lead not only to emotional health but to strong, healthy relationships.

  I believe that these seven steps are the most productive way to respond to an angry person. Let me urge you not to rush through steps one, two, and three. Listening, listening, and listening again is the foundation for gaining understanding so that in turn you can express understanding. In addition, recognize that steps one through five are crucial for creating an atmosphere where you can then share the facts as you see them and thus resolve the issue; or, if wrong-doing has been committed, lead to confession and restitution that can bring resolution. The other person’s anger subsides because you have helped him thoroughly process his anger. And in so doing, you have maintained a positive relationship with the other person.

  WRONG
RESPONSE ONE: TRYING TO CAP THE ANGER

  A word of caution against two common approaches in trying to respond to an angry person. The first is trying to put a cap on the other person’s anger. Parents are often guilty of this. “If you can’t talk to me without yelling, then shut up and go to your room.” Such a statement made by a parent to a child stops the flow of the child’s emotions and bottles them within the child. Take two swallows from a Pepsi, screw the cap back on the plastic bottle, and shake it vigorously, and you will have a visual picture of what is happening inside the child whose parent made this statement. The child is in his room, the door is closed, the cap is on his anger, but inside the carbonated feelings are surging. When the cap does come off, you will have a child in rage. If the cap never comes off, you will have a child in depression or one who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior. That is, his anger will never be expressed directly but indirectly. By his behavior, he will do things “to get back” at the parent.

  Seeking to put a cap on another person’s anger is perhaps the worst way to respond to an angry person. The only positive response to such action is that the parent gets momentary calm, but that is a high price to pay for such temporary and shallow peace. We may not like the way the angry person is speaking to us, but the fact that he is sharing his anger is positive. The anger cannot be processed positively if it is held inside. It needs to be expressed, even if it is expressed with a loud voice.

  In order to help the angry person, you must temporarily overlook the loudness of his voice, the glare of her eyes, and the intensity of the body language. You must look beyond all of this to the heart of the matter: What is the person angry about? What wrong does he perceive has been committed? It is dealing with this wrong that is the issue. Whether the wrong is definitive or distorted, it is real in the mind of the angry person. If we do not listen to the person’s message, the anger will not be processed positively but will later show up in outrageous behavior, depression, or, tragically for some, suicide. Attempting to put a cap on another person’s anger is an effort in futility.

  WRONG RESPONSE TWO: MIRRORING THE BEHAVIOR

  A second negative way to respond to the angry person is to mirror his behavior. She is yelling at you, so you yell at her. He is calling you bad names, so you call him worse names. Such a response to an angry person obviously worsens the conflict. One angry person who is out of control is enough. We don’t need two angry people out of control.

  Thus, when you encounter an angry person, it is time to pray, Oh, Father, please help me to be redemptive in this situation. Give me a listening ear. Let me get beyond the angry behavior so that I can understand why this person is angry and try to help him resolve it. Such a prayer is in keeping with the admonition of the apostle James, who said, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19–20 NIV).

  An angry person who is out of control does not need someone who will fight with him but someone who will wade through the smoke to get to the root of the angry person’s behavior. A fire will burn out faster if you don’t throw gasoline on it. When the angry person is spewing out words and you engage in argument with him, it is like throwing gasoline on the fire. An angry person can burn all night if you continue to throw gasoline. But when you listen as the anger burns, eventually the fuel of his anger will burn out. When he senses that he has been genuinely heard, he will become open for your help. But until he has been heard, his anger will continue to burn.

  This principle also applies to our response to our children. We may be bigger and more powerful, but trying to dominate will not work. Paul admonished fathers, “Do not provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4). Responding angrily and harshly to a child who is trying to express her anger simply provokes more anger. And a key proverb advises, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV). Whether the person is age seven or thirty-seven, harsh words thrown in the face of an angry person will simply arouse more anger. In contrast, an open heart that listens sympathetically and gives a gentle answer will cause anger to subside. This is the Christian model to which we aspire.

  Angry people need someone who cares enough to listen long enough to understand the pain. They need someone who listens carefully enough to identify with the person’s anger, wisely enough to express understanding, and courageously enough to respond with a gentle, truthful answer—an answer that seeks resolution of the issue that gave rise to the anger. That is our goal: to help the angry person discover a healthy response and a constructive solution.

  QUICK TAKES

  RESPONDING TO AN ANGRY PERSON

  1. Listen to the person. The best thing you can do is hear him out and begin to understand his story.

  2. Listen to the person. Having heard his story, ask the angry person to repeat it. This shows that you really want to understand what happened and that you are not condemning his anger.

  3. Listen to the person. Ask additional questions to clarify the situation. It can take three or four rounds of listening for the angry person to get out all of his or her concerns.

  4. Try to understand his plight. Ask yourself if you would be angry in the same situation.

  5. Express your understanding of the situation. Speak with compassion; affirm the person’s feelings of anger.

  6. Share any additional information that may shed light on the subject. At this point you may help the person realize that you have not wronged him.

  7. Confess any wrongdoing and seek to make right the wrong you have committed. If the person’s anger is valid and you have wronged him, this is the step to take.

  AFTERWORD

  A man or woman who learns to control anger responsibly has taken a giant step in Christian maturity. Many of the problems contemporary Christian families struggle with are rooted in misunderstood and mismanaged anger. Few tasks in the area of marriage and family life are more important than correcting this widespread anger mismanagement. Controlling anger will also benefit relationships with our neighbors and coworkers.

  My sincere hope is that this book will serve as a catalyst in the Christian community to stimulate discussion, prayer, and eventually a clearer understanding of how to respond to the experience of anger. My desire is that you will not only read this book, but that through the self-assessment on page 211, you will learn more about yourself—and those you love. Additionally, the online discussion guide (www.5lovelanguages.com) with its reflections and applications will help you apply these insights in a group setting.

  Finally, if you’re married, I hope you will become a positive model for your spouse and children in how to respond to anger.

  Let me suggest three ways you can apply this message in your life and the lives of others:

  1. Share this book and its principles with your friends.

  2. Suggest the book and the accompanying discussion guide as a study topic for your small group or adult class. Few topics are more pertinent to marriage and family—and all other human relationships—than the topic of anger.

  3. Look for ways to help your non-Christian friends. Classes or conversations focused on proper anger management may be a bridge to a world that has lost its way and is increasingly driven by uncontrolled anger.

  If Christians can learn to handle their own anger positively, perhaps God will give us the opportunity to share with our non-Christian friends. If we are not successful in dealing with our own anger, we may find ourselves “losing our cool” with our neighbors and thus confirming their suspicion that our Christianity is only skin-deep.

  In reality, our anger is at the very heart of who we are. Tell me what you are angry about, and I will tell you what is important to you. For the mature Christian, anger will focus on true injustice, unfairness, inequity, and ungodliness—not on petty personal irritations. Such anger will motivate positive efforts to establish justice, fairness, equity, and godliness. Such anger wi
ll be tempered with mercy and humility, as the Christian also realizes that he—or she—is also capable of falling. To use the words of the ancient Hebrew prophet, “He has shown you … what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8 NIV).

  Such a lofty lifestyle—practicing justice, mercy, and humility in our daily actions—requires first that we reconcile with God through Christ; that gives us the motivation to aspire. Second, it requires the daily empowering work of the Holy Spirit, which enables us to succeed.

  Of all people, the Christian has the greatest potential for understanding and processing anger to the glory of God. That is the message and goal of this book.

  NOTES

  Chapter 1: Where Does Anger Come From?

  1. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 6th ed., s.v. “anger.”

  2. Mark P. Cosgrove, Counseling for Anger (Dallas: Word, 1988), 30.

  Chapter 6: Explosions and Implosions

  1. Mark P. Cosgrove, Counseling for Anger (Dallas: Word, 1988), 71, 95.

  2. Ibid., 98.

  Chapter 7: The Anger That Lasts for Years

  1. See Romans 3:26.

  2. Romans 12:19 KJV.

  Chapter 10: Helping Children Handle Anger

  1. For further information on how to meet your child’s need for emotional love, see Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children (Chicago: Northfield, 1997, 2012).

  Chapter 11: When You Are Angry at God