Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals

by Robert M. Pirsig

  Hold it there, he said, and gave her the boat hook.

  He went to a big box by the mast and opened it and took out a rope and then came back. He dropped the rope into the dinghy and then stepped and lowered himself down over the guard rail.

  She looked around. It was so quiet here. Just the rolling of the cars across the bridge. The sky was still all orange from the light from the city but it was so peaceful you would never guess where they were.

  When he was done the Captain grabbed the guard rail and pulled himself up again.

  I figured it out, he said. It’s because the tide is changing… This is the first time I’ve seen this… Look around at all the other boats. You remember when we came they were all pointed toward the bridge? Now they’re all skewed around.

  She looked and saw that all the boats were facing in different directions.

  They’ll probably all be pointing away from the bridge after a while, he said. It’s warm enough out — let’s sit up here and watch it. I’m sort of fascinated by this, he said.

  Lila brought up the bottles and ice and some sweaters and a blanket to put over them. She sat next to him and put the blanket over their legs together. Listen to how quiet it is, she said. It’s hard to believe we’re this close to New York.

  They listened for a long time.

  What are you going to do when you get to Manhattan? the Captain asked.

  I’m going to find a friend of mine and see if he can help me, she said.

  What if you can’t find him?

  I don’t know. I could do a lot of things. Get a job waitressing or something like that… She looked at him but couldn’t see how he took it.

  Who is this person you’re going to see in New York?

  Jamie? He’s just an old friend.

  How long have you known him?

  Oh, two or three years, she said.

  In New York?

  Yes.

  So you’ve lived there a long time?

  Not so long, Lila said. I always liked it there. You can be anyone you want in New York and nobody will stop you.

  She suddenly thought of something. You know what? she said, I bet you’d like him. You’d get along fine with him. He’s a sailor too. He worked on a ship once.

  You know what? Lila said. He could, help us sail the boat to Florida… If you wanted to, I mean… I mean I could cook and he could steer and you could… well, you could give all the orders.

  The Captain stared into his glass.

  Just think about it, Lila said. Just the three of us going down to Florida.

  After a while she said, He’s really friendly. Everybody likes him.

  She waited a long time but the Captain didn’t answer. She said, If I could talk him into it would you take him?

  I don’t think so, the Captain said. Three’s too many.

  That’s because you haven’t met him, Lila said.

  She took the Captain’s glass and filled it again and snuggled up to him to keep warm. He just wasn’t used to the idea.

  Give him some time, she thought.

  The cars rolled over the bridge one after another. Bright headlights went in one direction and red tail lights went in the other, on and on.

  You remind me of someone, Lila said. Someone I remember from a long time ago.

  Who?

  I can’t remember… What did you do in high school?

  Not much, he said.

  Were you popular?

  No.

  You were unpopular?

  Nobody paid much attention to me one way or the other.

  Weren’t you on any teams?

  The chess team.

  You went to dances.

  No.

  Then where did you learn to dance?

  I don’t know. I went for a couple of years to dancing school, the Captain said.

  Well, what else did you do in high school?

  I studied.

  In high school?

  I was studying to be a chemistry professor.

  You should have studied to be a dancer. You were really good last night.

  Suddenly Lila knew who he reminded her of. Sidney Shedar.

  You’re not much of a ladies’ man, are you?

  No, not at all, he said.

  This person wasn’t either.

  Chemistry’s not so bad if you’re into it, he said. It gets kind of exciting. I and another kid got the key to the school building and sometimes we’d come back at ten or eleven at night and go up to the chemistry laboratory and work on chemistry experiments until dawn.

  Sounds weird.

  No. Actually it was pretty great.

  What did you do?

  Adolescent stuff… The secret of life. I was working hard on that.

  You should have stuck to dancing, Lila said. That’s the secret of life.

  I was sure I was going to find it, studying proteins and genetics and things like that.

  Really weird.

  Is that what this other person was like? Sidney? Yes, I guess so. He was a real nerd.

  Oh, the Captain said. And I remind you of him?

  You both talk the same way. He used to ask a lot of questions too. He always had a lot of big ideas.

  What was he like?

  Nobody liked him very much. He was very smart and he was always trying to tell you about things you weren’t interested in.

  What did he talk about?

  Who knows! There was just something about him that made everybody mad at him. He didn’t really do anything bad. He just — I don’t know what it was — he just didn’t… He was smart but at the same time he was dumb. And he could never see how dumb he was because he thought he knew everything. Everyone used to call him Sad Sack.

  And I remind you of him?

  Yes.

  If I’m such a nerd why did you dance with me last night? the Captain asked.

  You asked me.

  I thought you asked me.

  Maybe I did, Lila said, I don’t know. You looked different maybe. They all look different at first.

  You know Sidney really was smart, Lila said. About two years ago I was sitting at a table in this restaurant and I looked up and there he was, much older and he had glasses on and he was getting bald. He’s a pediatrician now. He’s got four children now. He was really nice. He said, "Hello, Lila," and we talked a long time.

  What did he say?

  He just wondered how I was and everything, and was I married and I said, "No, the right one hasn’t come along yet," and he laughed at that and said, "Someday he will."… You see what I mean? Lila said.

  She excused herself and went down to the bathroom. On her way back she had to hang on to things to keep steady. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t going anywhere. She sat down again next to the Captain and he asked, How long have you known Richard Rigel?

  Since the second grade, she said.

  The second grade!

  Surprised, huh?

  God, I’ll say! I had no idea.

  She arranged the blanket neatly and settled back and then looked up in the sky. There was so much light from the city there weren’t any stars at all. It was just all orange and black. Like Halloween.

  Whew! the Captain said.

  What’s the matter?

  I’m just sort of shook, he said. The second grade! That’s just unbelievable!

  Why is that unbelievable?

  You mean he used to sit behind you and make faces at the teacher and things like that?

  No, we were just in the same class. Why does that seem so unbelievable?

  I don’t know, the Captain said. He doesn’t seem like the sort of person who would have had a childhood… But I suppose he must have.

  We were good friends, Lila said.

  You were childhood sweethearts.

  No, we were just friends. We’ve always been friends. I don’t see why you’re surprised at that.

  Why, out of a whole classroom full of people, would you pick a person like him for
a friend?

  He came in at the second grade and I was the only one who was nice to him.

  The Captain shook his head.

  After a while he made a sound like, Tch!

  You don’t know him, Lila said. He was very quiet and shy. He used to stutter. Everybody laughed at him.

  He sure doesn’t stutter now, the Captain said.

  You don’t know him.

  So you went all the way through grade school and high school with him?

  No, after sixth grade he went to prep school, and I didn’t see him much.

  What does his father do?

  I don’t know. They were divorced. He lived in New York somewhere. Or, I think, Kingston, maybe. Where we were last night… Well, I guess what’s bothering me, the Captain said, is, if you’ve known him since the second grade and you’re such good friends, why was he so down on you last night?

  Richard likes me, Lila said.

  No. Not true, the Captain said. That’s what’s getting me. Why was he so rude to you? Why wouldn’t he talk to you last night?

  Oh, that’s a long story, Lila said.

  Last night he didn’t even say "hello".

  I know. That’s just the way he is. He just doesn’t approve of the way I live.

  Well, that’s true, the Captain said.

  Lila held up the bottle and showed it to the Captain. You know something?

  What?

  I think we are getting a little smashed… At least I am. You’re not drinking very much.

  But something’s still missing, the Captain said.

  What?

  You never saw him after prep school.

  I saw plenty of him after prep school.

  You mean he used to go out with you?

  Everybody used to go with me, Lila said. You don’t know what I was like. I wish you could have seen me when I was younger. I had such a cute figure… It sounds like I’m bragging, but it was true. I don’t look like so much now, but you should have seen me back then. Everybody wanted to go out with me. I was popular then… I was really popular.

  So you went out with him.

  Sometimes we’d go out together and then his mother found out about it and she made him stop.

  Why?

  Well, you know why. She is very rich and I’m not in their social class. Also women don’t approve of people like me. Especially mothers with little sons who are interested in me.

  The booze was hitting real hard now. She had to stop.

  Anyway Richie is a real nice guy, she said.

  The Captain didn’t say anything.

  … And you aren’t, she added.

  Rigel said you got someone named Jim in trouble.

  Did he talk about that? Lila shook her head.

  What was that all about?

  Oh, God. I wish he hadn’t talked about that.

  What was it about?

  Nothing!

  We weren’t doing anything… Anything worse than you and me are doing on this boat right now. I told Jim never to tell anyone about us. Then he went and told Richie and Richie told his mother and his mother told Jim’s wife. That’s when all the trouble started. Oh, God, what a mess that was… All because Richie’s mother couldn’t leave us alone.

  His mother?

  Look, Richie dotes on his mother, morning, noon and night. That’s where he gets all his money. I think he sleeps with her! She really hates me! Lila said.

  Why did Rigel’s mother hate you?

  I told you. She was afraid I was going to take her little Richie away from her. And she was the one who got Jim’s wife to hire the detectives.

  Detectives!

  'We were in the motel and they pounded on the door and I told Jim, "Don’t answer it!" but he didn’t listen. He said, "I’ll just talk to them." Sure… that’s all they wanted. Just to talk… Oh, he was so dumb. It was just awful. As soon as he opened the door they came in with flash cameras and took pictures of everything. Then they wanted him to sign a confession. They said they wouldn’t prosecute if he just signed.

  You know what he did? He signed…

  He wouldn’t listen to me. If he’d listened to me there’s nothing they could have done. They didn’t have a warrant or anything.

  Then they left and you know what Jim did?… He started to cry… That’s what I remember most, him sitting on the edge of the bed, with his big eyes all full of tears.

  I was the one who should have been crying! And what do you suppose he was crying about?… About how he didn’t want his wife to divorce him… Oh, he made me so disgusted. He made everybody disgusted.

  He was weak. He always complained about how she ran his life, but he really wanted her to. That’s why he wanted to go back.

  They always talk about how they’re going to leave their wives, but they never do. They always go back.

  Did his wife take him back?

  No… she wasn’t dumb. She took his money instead. Almost a hundred thousand dollars… She couldn’t stand him any more than I could, after that.

  Did you see Jim after that?

  For a while. But I never respected him after that. Then he got fired from the bank and I got tired of him and I met this friend from New York, Jamie, and I came down here with him for a while.

  I thought Rigel said he was Jim’s lawyer.

  He was, but after they got the pictures and the confession there wasn’t much he could do.

  Why did he take the case?

  Because of me. I’m the one who told Jim to go to him.

  The Captain made a tch sound again. He tipped his head back and looked up at the sky.

  He didn’t say anything for a long time. He just stared up into the sky like he was looking for some stars.

  There aren’t any stars up there, Lila said. I already looked.

  Is Rigel married? the Captain asked.

  No.

  Why not?

  I don’t know. He’s all messed up just like everybody else… You know something?

  What?

  You’re not drinking as much as I am. She held the bottle up to the sky and looked at it. And you know something else?

  What?

  I’m not going to answer any more of your questions.

  Why not?

  You’re the detective. That’s what you are. You think you’re going to learn something. I don’t know what, but you’re not going to learn anything… You’ll never find out who I am because I’m not anything.

  What do you mean?

  I’m not anybody. All these questions you’re asking are just a waste of time. I know you’re trying to find out what kind of a person I am but you’re never going to find out anything because there’s nothing to know.

  Her voice was getting slushy. She could tell it was getting slushy.

  I mean, I used to play I was this kind of person and that kind of person but I got so tired of playing all those games. It’s such work and it doesn’t do any good. There’s just all these pictures of who I am and they don’t hold together. They’re all different people I’m supposed to be but none of them are me. I’m not anybody. I’m not here. Like you now. I can see you’ve got a lot of bad impressions about me in your mind. And you think that what’s in your mind is here talking to you but nobody’s here. You know what I mean? Nobody’s home. That’s Lila. Nobody’s home.

  You know what? Lila said.

  What?

  What you want to do is make me into something I’m not.

  Just the opposite.

  You think just the opposite. But you’re really trying to do something to me that I don’t like.

  What’s that?

  You’re trying to… you’re trying to destroy me.

  No.

  Yes.

  Well, you’ve completely misunderstood what I’m asking these questions for, the Captain said.

  No, I haven’t. I’ve completely understood it just exactly right, Lila said. All men do that. You’re no big exception. Jerry did it. Every man does it. But you kno
w something? It won’t work.

  I’m not trying to destroy you, he said.

  That’s what you think. You’re just playing around the edges, aren’t you! You can’t go to the center of me. You don’t know where the center of me is!

  That set him back.

  You’re not a woman. You don’t know. When men make love they’re really trying to destroy you. A woman’s got to be real quiet inside because if she shows a man anything they’ll try to kill it.

  But they all get fooled because there’s nothing to destroy but what’s in their own mind. And so they destroy that and then they hate what’s left and they call what’s left, "Lila," and they hate Lila. But Lila isn’t anybody. That’s true. You don’t believe it, but it’s true.

  Women are very deep, Lila said. But men never see it. They’re too selfish. They always want women to understand them. And that’s all they ever care about. That’s why they always have to try to destroy them.

  I’m just asking questions, the Captain said.

  Fuck your questions! I’m whatever your questions turn me into. You don’t see that. It’s your questions that make me who I am. If you think I’m an angel then that’s what I am. If you think I’m a whore then that’s what I am. I’m whatever you think. And if you change your mind about me then I change too. So whatever Richard tells you, it’s true. There’s no way he can lie about me.

  Lila took the bottle and took a swig down straight. The hell with glasses, she said. Everybody wants to turn Lila into somebody else. And most women put up with that, because they want the kids and the money and the good-looking clothes. But it won’t work with me. I’m just Lila and I always will be. And if men don’t like me the way I am, then men can just get out. I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. I’ll die first. That’s just the way I am.

  After a while Lila looked around and saw that all the boats were lying straight in line just like the Captain said they would be. That’s pretty good. He’d figured that out. She told him about it. He didn’t say anything. He hadn’t said anything for a long time.

  A bad feeling started to creep up. He wasn’t drinking. Was he getting mad? That’s what happens when you don’t keep up drinking. You get mad.

  She was talking too much. Sober up, Lila, before it’s too late. Hang on. Sober up.

  You know what? Lila said.