by Harper Bliss
“No. Not even when you left without saying goodbye. Sure, it hurt. But deep down I always knew why you left. And, I understood why you did it the way you did. If you’d told your mother you weren’t going to med school, but instead intended to pursue photography, she would have said things. Hurtful things and you, in all probability, wouldn’t have chased your dreams. And if you’d told me… I was young enough not to understand completely and I may have done the same. If that had happened, I’d regret everything to this day.”
Eileen started to speak, but stopped, unable to find the words to express the relief she felt about Melissa’s understanding and the shame for not seeing through her mom’s meddling.
“I’ve followed your career from the beginning. The stories you’ve told through your photos. Making the atrocities that take place in tiny corners of the world real to the rest of us. You’ve always wanted to do your part in saving the world and you’ve succeeded.”
“Yeah, right.” Eileen snorted. “No matter how many photos I take, these things keep happening.”
“That’s because people are terrible.”
“Exactly.” Eileen reached for the pen, needing to occupy her left hand. “Sometimes I wonder what’s the point.”
“You may not be able to stop all the people on the planet from hurting others, but you can shine a spotlight on those who do, so people like me, who stay in cozy homes in safe towns, know what’s going on. It’s not just me, either, who appreciates what you do. Your photos are everywhere. Online, in newspapers all over the world—it matters. Your work matters.”
“It did until...” Eileen glanced down at her arm, trying to block out her mom’s taunting about the jar.
“I know you better than most, even if I haven’t seen you in far too long. You’re probably already working on another way of bringing the truth to people.” Melissa placed her hand on Eileen’s open notebook. “You’ve always been a fighter.”
“Are you sure I was the one who knew how to cheer you up and not the other way around?” There was a faint smile on Eileen’s lips.
“I learned from the best.” Melissa squeezed Eileen’s hand. “Can you do me a favor?”
“What?”
Melissa leveled her gaze onto Eileen’s pinched face. “Promise me first.”
“You’re cheating. You’ve always cheated this way.” There was a hint of nostalgia in Eileen’s voice.
“And have I ever given you reason not to trust me.”
“You’re still cheating.”
“You’re still not giving me your word.”
“Fine,” Eileen said through gritted teeth. “I promise.”
“Forgive yourself, Eileen Makenna Callahan.”
“For?” Eileen placed the pen back on the paper.
“Leaving. You did what you had to do or you would have been miserable. No one should feel guilty for being who they are.”
Eileen rested her chin on her hand, plucking up the courage to say the words she’d always wanted to say. “I should have said goodbye, though. I’m sorry for that.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. It was so very you back then.” Melissa shrugged.
Eileen tapped her fingers against her cheek. “Meaning I was an asshole.”
“I never said that. And no, you weren’t.” Melissa’s expression darkened with worry. “Tell me, Ellie, who has you this worked up?”
“Who else?”
“Your mother.” She said without having to put too much thought into it. “Why do you let her get to you? Julia has learned how to handle her.”
“She’s had more practice.” And their mom didn’t resent Julia’s very existence.
“There’s that, but Julia also decided not to give a crap about the stuff your mom says. Be like a duck.”
“And let it roll off my back.” Eileen groaned. “I’m one hundred percent positive I never said anything like that to you when I was supposedly acting like Oprah or Dr. Phil.”
“No, you probably said something like, suck it up, buttercup.” Melissa grinned.
Wide-eyed, Eileen asked, “And you found that helpful?”
“Coming from you, yes. Because it’d make me laugh, instantly perking me up. That was the one thing you could always do. Make me laugh.”
Eileen sighed. “I don’t know if I have that power anymore.”
“I’m sure you do still somewhere inside.”
Why bother trying to uncover that ability if she wouldn’t have the chance to make Naomi laugh again? “I hear you’re moving to London.”
Melissa smiled. “Did I hit too close to home, prompting you to switch topics? I was considering the move, but have opted against it.”
Eileen nearly burst into laughter. All of her mom’s scheming to get Eileen back together with Melissa would have been for naught.
“Is it just your mom that has you worked up? And not a certain person I’ve been hearing rumors about?”
Eileen massaged her eyes, taking in a deep breath. “Not you too. This town is ripe with gossip.”
“If you ask me, I think she’s a good fit for you.”
“She’s so much younger and idealistic.”
“Says the woman who ran off to save the world one picture at a time.” Melissa gulped her drink. “Don’t write off someone for such silly reasons. If you like her, you like her. It’s as simple as that.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Naomi sat across from her best friend, who still didn’t know she’d gone through the entire process of having the hots for someone, sleeping with her, and breaking up. On top of how lousy she felt about the break-up, it made Naomi feel like the worst best friend in the world.
“I’m all ears, Nomes,” Kelly said.
Naomi studied her face. Had she figured it out without Naomi having to spill the beans?
“For?” Naomi asked.
“Christmas is one week away. You must be full of plans for the kids. What extravaganza are you cooking up this year?” Kelly knitted her eyebrows together. “Although, I have to say, you don’t seem as possessed with the Christmas spirit as you’ve been in all the years I’ve known you.”
“Remember that woman…” Naomi started. Because she really needed to confide in her friend. She needed to get some things off her chest that she couldn’t share with her mother. “The one who came in here one day and dropped a bunch of coins on the floor?”
Naomi gazed at the spot where she and Eileen had first exchanged a few words. Eileen’s attitude had been frosty then, and had only thawed after some insistence from Naomi—only to turn cold and dismissive again a few weeks later.
“Yeah. Eileen Callahan,” Kelly said.
“You know Eileen?”
“I don’t know her personally, but I’ve heard of her,” Kelly said. “Tyson, for one, can’t stop talking about her. And I also happen to know she’s of your persuasion…” The penny seemed to drop. “Oh. Did you…”
“We had a thing. If you can even call it that,” Naomi said, sadness dropping like a heavy stone in her stomach once again.
Kelly’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. “No way.” She shook her head. “My best friend had a ‘thing’ and she didn’t breathe a word about it to me? I don’t think that’s possible.”
“We kept it on the down-low. Obviously, that was for the best because it had barely even started when it ended.” Naomi heaved a sigh. “Believe me, I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know where to begin.”
“I can imagine. Tyson did refer to her as that sweet, ‘middle-aged’ lady.” She gave a chuckle.
“All kids think anyone above thirty is old,” Naomi rebuffed. Speaking of Tyson made her think about the small farewell gathering she had put together for him later. Tomorrow, he would finally be allowed to leave the hospital. She’d seriously considered putting her own feelings aside and asking Eileen to stop by, but she hadn’t been able to do it. Not yet. Not even for the sake of one of the kids in the ward.
“How old is she?” Kelly drummed her f
ingertips on the table.
“Forty-nine. Way too old for me,” Naomi said, even though she didn’t mean a word of it.
“What happened?” Kelly had lowered her voice.
“She flew off the handle one day and just ended it.”
“Can you be just a tiny bit more specific, pretty please?” Kelly smiled at her.
“She has a bunch of issues, such as not being able to accept that she had a stroke. Some family drama. She and her mom don’t get along very well so that stressed her out also. Plus, she has no definite plans to stay in Derby, so there’s that minor detail as well.”
“So, it was like a holiday fling for her?”
“Maybe.” Naomi nodded. “Maybe I was just a welcome distraction from all her problems.”
“What was she to you, though?” Kelly drained the last of her tea.
“It’s hard to say.” There was that lump in her throat again. Deep down, Naomi knew very well what Eileen had been to her. She just found it very hard to translate that feeling into words. “I fell for her, I guess. Maybe, to me, she was just a rebound person after Jane.”
“Maybe… or maybe not,” Kelly said.
“It doesn’t matter anymore now, anyway. The stubbornness of that woman.” Naomi shook her head. “I deal with people who are in difficult situations every day, and I can so clearly see how certain things are very hard to accept, but Eileen really takes the cake.” Naomi wasn’t sure where those words were coming from all of a sudden. “It’s not so much self-pity. If it was, I would have run a mile.” She paused to think for a few seconds. “It’s this deep-rooted belief that she’s somehow a failure. And for that reason, undeserving of love.”
“Wow.” Kelly leaned back in her chair. “Her age aside, that doesn’t sound very much like someone who’s ideal relationship material.”
Naomi shrugged. “You know I like a challenge.”
“Maybe you like a challenge a little bit too much.” Kelly gave a warm smile. “Trust me when I tell you that I mean that in the nicest possible way.”
“You sound just like my mom right now.” Naomi found it hard to resist Kelly’s smile.
“What did she have to say about it? She wasn’t too freaked out by the age difference?”
“She was at first, but after that she was surprisingly mellow about it. Probably because Eileen broke up with me only a day after I told her.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. Your mom has only ever wanted you to be happy.”
“Yeah, well, fat chance of that now.”
“Oh, no, no. I’m not going to have you wallow in self-pity a week before Christmas.” Kelly squared her shoulders. “Let’s start making some plans right here, right now.”
Naomi tried to mimic her friend’s posture—and Christmas spirit. Why was it so hard to forget about Eileen, anyway? It wasn’t as if they’d ever stood a real chance. Maybe this wound that had opened up inside her was more due to Naomi having allowed herself to be so swept up in the whole thing, without considering the consequences. But that was how she was. She got swept up in things, in their magic and wonder, and sometimes, she had to pay the price.
“Let’s start planning,” she said, painting on a smile.
“Okay, big man,” Naomi said. “Enjoy this view one last time, because this will be the last you’ll see of me.” She shot Tyson a big grin.
“I’ll see you in a few months when I come in for my check-up,” he said, sounding very much like a tiny wise-ass.
“Is your friend not coming?” Deborah, Tyson’s mother, asked. “We would love to thank her for getting Tyson so excited about photography.”
“Guess what I asked Santa to bring me?” Tyson had a big smile plastered across his face.
“Aren’t you a little old to be asking Santa for presents?” Naomi asked, avoiding Deborah’s question.
“W-what do you mean, Naomi?” Tyson said in a pretend-shaky voice.
“Are you sure you want to take him home?” Naomi winked at Deborah, hoping she wouldn’t bring up Eileen anymore.
“You’d better take him home,” one of the nurses, said. “We’ve had enough of his wise-cracks on this ward. She shot Tyson a toothy grin.
Naomi looked at Tyson as his face broke into the widest smile. She thought it a perfectly normal smile for someone who had been receiving invasive cancer treatment for far too long and was finally declared well enough to go home. Until she noticed how Tyson turned his head toward the door and Naomi found out who that warm smile was actually meant for.
“Sorry I’m late,” Eileen bounded into the room. “Thank goodness you’re still here.” She was carrying a plastic bag.
“I only get to leave tomorrow,” Tyson said.
Eileen briefly nodded at Naomi, then focused all her attention on Tyson. “Just in time to deliver this then.” She put the plastic bag on Tyson’s bed.
“Is—is that for me?” he asked.
“Yup, but don’t get too excited.” Eileen contradicted her words with the sparkle in her eyes. She appeared extremely excited herself about giving Tyson this present.
Tyson dug into the bag and unearthed what looked like a very old camera.
“This was made decades before you were born,” Eileen said. “I found it in my old bedroom. It’s the very first camera I ever owned. The one that started everything.”
“That’s way too much,” Deborah said. “That must have such sentimental value to you.”
Eileen turned away from Tyson, who was inspecting the camera with a furrowed brow, touching a finger to all its buttons. “Honestly, I forgot I still had it and it will make Tyson so much happier than it does me. I’ve had my use of it,” she muttered under her breath.
“What do you say, champ?” she asked Tyson. “Will I see your name on the Pulitzer winner list in a decade or so?”
Naomi was awestruck by Eileen’s gift-giving ability. Because not only had she given Tyson something he really liked, but by doing so, had taught him to look far into his future—a future that had hung precariously in the balance for the past couple of months of his young life.
“How does this thing work?” Tyson asked. “It’s not the same as the disposable camera you gave me.” He kept fiddling with a button that didn’t move.
“How about we meet up in the new year and I give you some lessons?”
In the new year? What was Eileen talking about? Wasn’t she meant to go back to London and start work again?
“Awesome,” Tyson said.
Eileen addressed Deborah and Tyson’s dad. “I’ve been looking into setting up some photography classes for kids in town. It may take a while, but I’m hoping to get it off the ground sometime next year.
Naomi couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Did this mean that Eileen was staying? But if she was, why wouldn’t she have told Naomi?
There was only one plausible conclusion: her decision to stay had nothing to do with Naomi.
All the harsh words Eileen had spoken to her flitted through Naomi’s mind again. Eileen staying didn’t change anything for the two of them.
She tuned out the conversation the others were having and looked away from Eileen. She took a deep breath. A part of her hoped Eileen wouldn’t show up during her volunteering shifts too frequently, but, of course, the bigger part of her was happy that the kids would have someone like Eileen to spend time with and look up to.
Then, as she looked at the smile on Tyson’s face again, and Eileen’s body language, which was the complete opposite of when Naomi had last seen her, she was overcome by the need to get out of the room.
“I have to go, Tyson,” Naomi said. She walked toward him and opened her arms to him. He accepted her hug as graciously as a thirteen-year-old could.
“Naomi,” Eileen said. “Can we t—”
Naomi just shook her head. She just wanted to get out of there and try to forget all about Eileen—again. “I’m late for something,” she lied, and hurried out.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Michael Bublé’s “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” assaulted her ears. She’d never been gung-ho about the holidays and, after Naomi had dashed away from her at the hospital, Eileen had zipped past Grinch level to something that was nearly impossible to quantify. Was there a Grim Reaper equivalent for Christmas?
Melissa had been wrong when she’d said the only thing that mattered was Eileen liking Naomi.
Liking Naomi wouldn’t get her very far if the mere sight of Eileen sent Naomi running for the hills. One-way liking was torture. Probably what she deserved, though.
Eileen’s mind wavered. Should she leave Derby and head to Boston? Be closer to the home office and surround herself with work and things she understood? Because she sure as hell didn’t understand people, not even herself. Her mom was a horrible person, even pathological or something, and yet Eileen was looking for a Christmas gift for dear old mom, because that was what daughters did. Eileen was a mess. No wonder Naomi had fled like she did.
The distance had allowed Eileen to ignore her Mommy issues for so many years, but now that she was back in Derby, everything was resurfacing, and she realized why she’d run away. It had seemed a whole lot easier than figuring everything out.
Then her mind grew set on staying and convincing Naomi she wasn’t always the asshole Naomi had witnessed. At least. Eileen didn’t want to be that way forever. Was it too late for growth or self-awareness? She’d returned home and found the person Eileen now knew she was meant to be with, but she’d blown it. Naomi was constantly on her mind. And it was fucking hell. Pure and simple.
How could Eileen convince Naomi to give her another chance? Would this be the second or third? Eileen knew, if given one final chance, she’d hold on. She had to or her heart would never heal. Had she really just thought that?