After I arrived at Aunt Mildred’s, James came to see me. Despite the fact he knew I’d been so in love with Dermot, he asked me to marry him. At first I refused, thinking he was only doing it out of duty. But I soon realised that what I first thought was only friendship could grow into the beautiful thing that our marriage has been and we were married straightaway in Dublin.
We agonised whether to reveal that James was not your biological father. Alice was adamant that it was a secret we should keep, for times were different in Ireland then. And James and I went along with it.
Ronan, just as James is a wonderful man, so was Dermot. A man you would also be proud to have as a father. I only wish with all my heart that he could have lived to be part of your life. And mine. I have the letters he wrote to me. You’ll see from them, my darling, that he truly loved me. And at the time I truly loved him. Sometimes when James and I look at you, we see Dermot and it has become a special bond between us. In some ways you don’t look like him at all. He had blue eyes and you are taller. But in manner and speech, you are the image.
Ronan knew what Ma was telling him was no joke. He felt a huge wave of sadness flood through him. How could his parents have kept this from him? He thought of the man he’d always known as Dad down by the river with Dingo; Ma in her bedroom. His hands were now covered in sweat as he held the pages and he could feel perspiration running down his forehead. Soon the perspiration was mixed with angry tears. For a moment he thought of screwing up the letter into a tiny ball and throwing it into the wastepaper basket. But like a magnet, his eyes were drawn back to his mother’s writing.
I know Alice is eternally grateful that you are so much part of her life. Every time she looked at you, she told me she could see Dermot. When we said we were coming to Australia, I think it was you she knew she would pine for the most, even though she adores your brothers and sisters.
Now, my darling Ronan, I wish with all my heart that we had told you the truth. You’ve every right to be furious with us all. In fact you may never forgive us, and I wouldn’t blame you. Not that I think what we concealed would have made a difference in the long run in regards to the next thing I’m going to have to tell you.
Ronan swallowed hard. How could there possibly be more?
What I was unaware of until I spoke to Jessica on the telephone last night was that before she introduced me to Dermot at the Tollygunge Club in Calcutta, she’d had an affair with him, which had petered out. When she discovered she was pregnant, Dermot and I were already an item and she could see how very much in love we were. So she never told him about the baby she was carrying. His baby. Clara. Who she passed off as Guy Preston’s daughter when, in fact, she was Dermot’s. And I don’t have to tell you, my darling, what that now means.
Ronan felt a huge wave of nausea sweep over him. He put his hand to his mouth and swallowed hard. When he tried to read his mother’s words again, they blurred before his eyes. Blinking hard, he finally managed to focus. There was no doubt what Ma meant. He had thought finding out James was not his father was the worst moment. But no, the worst moment was here right now. Waiting for him.
I suppose I should have realised when Jessica was so keen for Clara to become part of Rathgarven there had to be a reason. She wanted Dermot’s daughter to experience what he had experienced when he was growing up. For Clara to become part of the family. She should have guessed what might happen. For that I will never forgive her.
If only she had told me years ago what had happened with her and Dermot! But she told me on the phone last night that she knew how much Dermot meant to me. And how his family loved him and honoured his memory and his enormous courage. It possibly would have broken Alice’s heart if she discovered her heroic son had fathered two children out of wedlock. And the scandal would have tarnished Dermot’s memory. But, Ronan, it was wartime then. We were all living each day as it came, never knowing if there would be another. And in Dermot’s case, sadly there wasn’t. Yet the gift he left me has been such a precious thing in our lives. And you, my darling, darling boy, have been the son that Dermot would have been so proud of. The same as James and I have been.
Even though Dermot won a DFC, to me the greatest deed he ever did was to leave me you.
Ronan stood and began to pace, his heart pounding. He felt such anger as he’d never felt before. Clenching his fist he punched the wall with force, not caring who could hear. Shaking with fury he went back to the letter.
Poor, poor Clara. She should have married Charles Fitzpatrick. That’s why Jessica was so adamant. But then again I know how much you love her. How much she worships you. Please understand James’s role, too. His only crime was to protect you and me and go along with his mother’s wishes. For James loves his mother dearly. And she had already lost her husband. Then she lost her youngest son. To let her have her way was a small price to pay. Or so we thought.
Had we told you who your birth father was, I don’t know if this story would have had a different ending. You might have found out more about Dermot. Followed a trail that led you to his affair with Jessica. Although I doubt she’d have told you the truth unless she’d discovered you and Clara wanted to get married. But others may have known. Even then, would either of us have guessed that Clara was a result of that? Or would I? I always knew Guy Preston wasn’t Clara’s father. That thought is bound to haunt me forever.
And you, my darling, you never had the chance to find out the truth.
CHAPTER
41
The nausea Ronan felt before came back more strongly now. His whole life had been a sham. What words could he possibly find to tell Clara she’d been sleeping with her brother? That they had committed incest? How in God’s name could he flick a switch and think of her as his sister? Their life was in ruins.
He looked out the window to see if Clara had returned from her ride. But there was no sign of her. For a second he mulled over leaving Eureka right now and just disappearing from her life without a trace. Surely that would be preferable to having to tell her that the love they shared was incestuous. He could envisage the shock and horror in her eyes when he told her. He thought of taking off without seeing his mother. But he wanted to make sure what he’d read was not some sick joke. So instead, he went to the bedroom door. Without knocking he threw it open and marched inside. She was lying on the bed, her face wet with tears.
‘Is it true?’ he asked. ‘Tell me.’
Kathleen sat up and looked at him. ‘I’m so very sorry,’ she said, her body racked by sobs. ‘I wish I could say it’s not … but yes, I’m afraid it is true.’
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to make sure.’
Turning his back on his mother he stomped out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him. When he got outside he leant over the flowerbed and threw up. He knew the man he had thought of as his father was waiting for him down by the river. He didn’t care. As long as he lived he never wanted to see his family again.
Down at the stables he found Clara putting the saddle and bridle away. ‘We’re leaving,’ he said.
‘Now?’
‘Yes, right now.’
‘Why?’
‘I’ll tell you when we get going.’
‘Can’t I get my things?’
‘I’ll get them. You finish up here.’
Five minutes later Ronan had thrown some of his belongings into a duffle bag and asked a bewildered Lillie (who he’d hurled his mother’s letter at, telling her to read it as it would explain all) to get Clara’s things from her bedroom, and he and Clara were in the car, speeding down the driveway, tyres screeching, dust flying up behind them.
When he pulled over on Wattle Creek Road and told her what he had found out, she stared at him in utter horror.
‘Is this some sort of sick joke?’
‘No. I’m afraid it’s not.’
She leapt out of the car. ‘I don’t believe it,’ she shouted. ‘It can’t be true. How can it be?’
‘It was
during the war,’ Ronan said, going after her. ‘All sorts of weird things happened.’
‘I bet my mother made it up.’
‘No, Clara. She might be a bitch, but there’s no way she’d make up something like this. She wouldn’t destroy your life like that. It’s why she was so keen for you to marry Charles Fitzpatrick. Maybe she guessed you were in love with me after your last visit to Rathgarven.’
‘I was. But oh my God, Ronan! What if I’d got pregnant?’
Ronan knew his next words would be the hardest he’d ever had to utter. ‘We probably shouldn’t see each other for a while.’ He picked up a twig and clamped it between his teeth. ‘I don’t think I could trust myself if we do.’
Clara scrambled up the bank of grass and paced around. When she reached the barbed-wire fence she kicked the wooden post angrily. After she’d kicked it for the fifth time, Ronan went to her. She turned around, placed her head on his shoulder and sobbed. As Ronan stroked her hair he could see his own tears falling between the strands.
‘You can take me to Armidale to get my things,’ she said, lifting her head. ‘I’ll stay the night at the St Kilda Hotel. Then I’ll go down to Sydney. Decide what to do. Maybe I’ll go back to England.’ Her body heaved with more sobs. ‘Perhaps I’ll marry Charles Fitzpatrick after all.’
Ronan forgave her for that; he was sure she didn’t know what she was saying. Then again, after what had happened, who was he to tell her what she should do?
Eventually he said, ‘Is that fair to the man?’
‘Do you think what’s happened to us is fair?’
‘No, it’s not fair at all.’ Ronan tried to think of what he could say that might make her feel any better. Or make either of them feel any better. ‘Maybe after some time apart we can see each other again. As brother and sister.’
‘No, Ronan. Once I’m gone, that’s it. I never want to see you or your family again.’
‘Clara, please …’ He went to touch her, but she shoved him away and stomped back to the car. She got in and slumped down on the seat, slamming the door. Ronan got in behind the wheel.
‘Take me to Armidale, Ronan,’ she said without looking at him. ‘And when I’ve got my things, let me go. Every time I think of us sleeping together I feel sick to the core.’ She paused. ‘How can something that was so beautiful become so hideous?’
Ronan sighed. ‘We didn’t know. It wasn’t our fault.’
Clara started crying again. All Ronan wanted to do was reach out and comfort her. But this was not the time. All the way to Armidale whenever he began to speak she told him to stop. It was as if she was too upset to listen. Or talk. All she did was stare blankly out of the window. Ronan thought it was the longest trip of his life.
On arriving at their place, Clara turned to him. ‘I don’t care what time it is over there or how much it’ll cost, I’m going to ring Mummy. I want to hear it from her own mouth.’
Ronan nodded. ‘If you think it will help, do. You can use the phone in the hallway.’
‘Will you wait?’
‘Yes.’
With that she jumped out of the car and headed to their digs. While she was gone Ronan held on to the faint hope that when she came out she would say it was all some ghastly mistake. Yet Ma was so sure it wasn’t. And in his heart Ronan knew it wasn’t either.
Ten minutes later she got back in the car with her bags. ‘It’s true,’ she cried. ‘Oh God, how I hate her. Why didn’t she tell me? Why did she have to keep it a secret?’ She sobbed and sobbed. ‘It all adds up. I never looked anything like my father, like Guy Preston. Now I know why.’
Ronan put his hand out to touch her, but she flinched and moved away.
‘Take me to the St Kilda,’ she said, her voice quivering. ‘Please, Ronan. Now.’
At the hotel he got out to take her bags inside and check there was a room. When she got the key they stood looking at each other, neither knowing what to say. When he moved forward she put her hands up.
‘Don’t touch me, Ronan. Please. I’ll write and let you know where I am.’
She then turned and walked away.
Trying to control his emotions, Ronan went back down the steps to his car. Through tears he started the ignition and drove up to the lookout where he had first made love to Clara. He turned the engine off and sat staring down at the lights of the town below, then he put his face in his hands and wept. It was as if a dyke had burst and there was no way of controlling the flow. As far as Ronan was concerned his life was finished. Without Clara, how could he go on? He had loved her virtually all his life. To discover that that love was incestuous was more than he could bear. He flung himself out of the car, walked around, knelt and touched the ground. The ground where he and Clara had made love.
‘Oh, Clara!’ he cried. ‘Clara!’
It was some time later when he stood up and wiped his eyes. He looked around. If he stayed in Armidale, every moment of every day there’d be something to remind him of Clara. And there was no way he could go back to the room they had shared. He would spend the night here, where they had been so happy. But when it was 4 a.m. and he was still there, he got in his car and drove around town. He stopped in front of the St Kilda Hotel. Which room was Clara’s? A light was on in a window at the far end of the building. Was she still awake, like he was?
After some time he drove on. When it was 8.30 and he knew Dalgety’s would be open, he went into the manager’s office and resigned. The university could post his graduation certificate to him.
CHAPTER
42
Kathleen thought every car that drove up to the homestead might be Ronan. Every time the phone rang she hoped it would be him. As the days went by and she realised he wasn’t going to come back or ring, she got more and more depressed and found it difficult to leave the bedroom. She berated herself for not telling Ronan whose son he was. And for not guessing that Jessica may have had an affair with Dermot before she introduced him to Kathleen. Was I so blinded by love that I didn’t see the obvious? Why didn’t I see Dermot in Clara? Because not for one minute did I think of looking. She thought of Finn. Did he know? He flitted in and out of Calcutta and saw Dermot. And Jessica. Surely if he had an inkling he would have said something? Was it a secret he took to the grave, never imagining the consequences of his silence? If he were alive and living here at Eureka Park, and saw how close Clara and Ronan were becoming, surely he would have somehow stopped it happening. Why oh why did he have to go kill himself like that? But blaming a deceased Finn was fruitless. As was blaming anyone other than herself. She was a complete idiot for not having guessed.
It wasn’t only Ronan she had alienated. It was also Lillie, who came storming into the bedroom after Ronan and Clara had taken off, brandishing the letter Kathleen had written.
‘Ma, how the billyo could you keep a secret like that about Ronan’s father?’
Kathleen eyed her sadly. ‘Because we thought it for the best.’
‘Well you’ve ruined his life that’s for sure. And here’s me thinking he was my brother and …’
‘He’s still your brother, Lillie. Nothing’s changed.’
‘Oh yeah, Ma. Try telling that to Ronan and Clara.’ She stomped off leaving Kathleen bereft.
One night Kathleen rang Jessica and gave her a blast down the phone. ‘What was the point of keeping your affair with Dermot from me?’
‘Pride, my sweet. I didn’t want you to think Dermot preferred you to me.’
‘But look what’s happened. Ronan’s taken off to God knows where. And poor, poor Clara …’
‘If she and Ronan hadn’t got together no one would’ve needed to know she was Dermot’s daughter. And she’d be happily married to Charles Fitzpatrick.’
‘Well, you should have thought of the consequences before you let her come to Rathgarven.’
‘How was I to know they’d fall in love?’
Kathleen sighed. ‘Have you any idea where she is?’
‘Unfortunately no.�
�� A long pause. ‘I haven’t heard from her.’
‘Aren’t you worried about her?’
‘Of course I am … but what can I do? When she comes to her senses hopefully she’ll come back here and contact me.’
‘If she does, can you please tell her we’re very concerned for her.’
When she hung up Kathleen collapsed into tears once more.
One afternoon as she was sitting in the chair by the bedroom window feeling miserable, Lorna Medlow arrived.
‘I rang and got James,’ she said, coming into the room after knocking. ‘He’s very worried about you.’
Kathleen wrapped her dressing gown around her body and looked forlornly at her friend. ‘Did he tell you what’s gone on?’
‘He said it was best I come up and talk to you. Do you want to tell me about it?’
Kathleen nodded. ‘Oh, Lorna … You won’t believe the awfulness of what’s happened.’
‘Try me.’
After a moment Kathleen pointed to a chair nearby. ‘Sit down and I’ll tell you.’
Having let her talk for close to ten minutes without interrupting, Lorna stood up and placed an arm around her. ‘You poor, poor thing,’ she said, stroking her hair. ‘I can quite understand why you’re hurting so dreadfully.’
Kathleen sniffed. ‘What makes it even worse is that I wouldn’t be surprised if Ronan and Clara had been sleeping together. That alone would turn their minds. For Lord alone it’s turning mine.’
Lorna sighed. ‘At least she didn’t get pregnant.’
‘Yes, I suppose that’s something.’
‘I thought I had problems with Maddie … My God, that’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through.’ She gave her a hug. ‘Dermot O’Sullivan sounds like a bloody good sort. I can quite imagine why you fell for the bugger. But why the hell would that Jessica woman hold onto a secret like that for so damn long?’
The Homestead on the River Page 35