‘Lord knows. Mum heard about it when she went to a CWA meeting yesterday. It’ll probably be in the papers tomorrow. Mum said he was always a bully. Maybe he bullied her once too often. Sandra wasn’t there. She’s gone to Brisbane to live.’
Despite Lillie never having forgiven Sandra for those first days at school and the awful things she’d said about Uncle Finn, she didn’t deserve this.
‘So where’s her mum?’
‘Jail, I suppose. Maybe she can get off on self-defence if he was bullying her. Who’d know?’
Lillie took a sip of her coffee. ‘Your mum said she’s really nice, so I hope she’s okay.’
‘Yeah … Let’s hope so. Anyway,’ Deb added, ‘fancy us, eh. You off to Sydney and me off to uni in Armidale. I’m going to miss you so much.’ She paused and fiddled with her coffee spoon. ‘Have you heard from Ronan?’
‘No. But that’s one of the reasons I want to go down there — to see him if I can. By the time I get there Dave told me he should be at Holsworthy Barracks on the outskirts of the city. I didn’t tell Ma and Dad in case he won’t see me.’
Lillie wondered if Ronan would see her. Or would she bring back too many memories of what had happened?
* * *
In Sydney Lillie found a flat to share with two other girls in Manly and started working two jobs. During the day she sorted books in a library. Four nights a week she waitressed in a coffee lounge on the esplanade at Manly. She wrote home often and missed them all heaps. Whenever she opened a letter from Freddie she could hardly read it without tears dropping onto his squiggly writing. Once Ma enclosed a cutting about Sandra’s mother, Winifred, who was charged with murder and awaiting trial. Although Lillie hadn’t told her parents the whole story, she had told them that Deb’s mother had once been married to Sandra’s dad. And as Winifred used to be a friend of Uncle Finn’s ex-wife Dawn, they were taking an interest in the case.
The first thing she had done when she got to Sydney was to ring Holsworthy Barracks. At first they were loath to give her too much information about where Ronan was, but in the end she got out of them that he would be back from an exercise in the bush the next day. She left a message for him to ring her. The next night she waited anxiously for his call, but it didn’t come. Two days later she left another message. When the weekend came around and she still hadn’t heard, she rang again.
‘I’m sure your messages have been passed on,’ the switchboard operator said. ‘Who did you say you are again?’
‘His sister.’
‘Yes, of course.’
The way she said it made Lillie think there might be lots of girls who rang up saying they were a soldier’s sister, when in actual fact they were girls in pursuit of a boyfriend.
‘Please,’ Lillie said. ‘Can you tell him it’s urgent?’
She didn’t mind saying that, for as far as Lillie was concerned it was urgent.
The next day he rang. As he had the next day off he reluctantly agreed to meet her at the Oaks Hotel in Neutral Bay the following afternoon. Lillie fidgeted nervously as she sat at a table under the plane tree in the beer garden waiting for him to arrive. When he walked in she got a dreadful shock to see how much weight he had lost, and that his lovely thick hair was now a crew cut.
‘Good to see you, li’l sis,’ he said with a languid Ronan smile and leant down to give her a kiss on the cheek.
‘Ronan, when are you going to stop calling me li’l sis?’ she said, holding on to his arm as if she never wanted to let go. ‘When I’m sixty?’
‘Ah,’ Ronan grinned, ‘I might think about it then.’
Lillie studied his face. To a casual observer there was little change, apart from being thinner. However, to Lillie his eyes weren’t as brilliant as they used to be. It was as if something had died in them. And the set of his mouth was slightly harder than she’d seen before. Even the sound of his laughter wasn’t quite as unreserved as it once was.
After they got their drinks Ronan asked her how their parents were. And Marcus and Freddie.
‘They sound okay on the phone,’ Lillie said. ‘Missing you, Ronan.’
‘I’m sorry for that.’
‘As you can imagine it’s taken Ma a while to get over what Jessica did in keeping that secret and you taking off like that. But she’s putting a heap of photos together to do another exhibition at the gallery. And there are a couple of new foals. That’s keeping her busy.’ She took a sip of wine and held his eyes. ‘But, Ronan, what about you? How are you liking the Army?’
‘Not so bad. I’ve made some good mates. And,’ he said, patting his flat stomach, ‘the regime keeps me fit.’
‘I can see that.’
There was an awkward pause as they both sipped their drinks.
‘I’m so sorry about what happened,’ Lillie said, placing her hand on his. ‘The whole thing’s just so awful.’
‘You’re right there.’
‘Have you heard how Clara is?’
‘I’ve only had one letter from her. She said she was okay and living in a flat in London with an old school friend. She’s decided to go to university.’
‘Did you write back?’
‘She didn’t give me the address. She just wanted me to know she was all right.’ He smiled dejectedly. ‘Before she left she said she might marry Charles Fitzpatrick after all.’
Lillie touched his hand again. ‘I bet she said that in anger. In any case I’m sure we would’ve heard if she had. Sheelagh would’ve told me. Or Grandma. It would’ve been in the Irish papers.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’
‘She’ll write to you, Ronan. Give her time.’
‘Not sure what the point of writing would be. There’s little that can be done about the situation.’
‘You could still be friends.’
‘We could. Nonetheless, it’s best we don’t see each other.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’d find it too difficult.’
There was a pause before Lillie asked the question she’d been throwing around in her mind ever since she’d arranged this meeting.
‘Why don’t you come back with me to Eureka when I go next? The longer you leave it the harder it’ll be for everyone.’
Ronan fiddled with the Toohey’s coaster on the table. ‘I’m not sure if I could face them.’ He picked up his beer and took a sip. ‘It wasn’t pleasant last time I was there.’
‘I know. But they’re really hurting, Ronan. And Freddie’s missing you heaps.’
‘Yeah … I miss him too.’ He kicked the ground with his heel. ‘So when are you heading up there?’
‘The weekend after next. Please think about coming. I know it’d mean a lot to Ma and Dad.’
He took another sip of beer and put the glass back down. ‘As a matter of fact I do have that weekend off …’
‘It’s settled then. You can pick me up. We’ll drive up together.’
He pulled out a cigarette. Ronan was never much of a smoker. This was the third one he’d smoked. ‘Well, if you think they’d like to see me … What’s say I pick you up at nine on Saturday week?’
Lillie threw him a grateful smile. ‘Thanks, Ronan. Everyone will be so pleased.’
‘Can I drop you back to your flat?’ he asked.
‘No. I want to do some shopping. There’s a great little boutique around the corner. I’ll catch the bus later.’
What she didn’t tell him was that she’d been going out on a few dates lately and tonight she was going to a dance at the Manly Surf Club. But she felt if she told him she was dating, it would make him sad about Clara.
As she waved him off in his Mini, she was happy she’d persevered in finding him. When she got back to her flat at Manly she’d ring Ma and Dad and tell them he was coming up. She could imagine the smile on Ma’s face when she heard the news. Dad’s too. And Freddie would be over the moon.
CHAPTER
44
Ronan was nervous as he pulled up outsid
e Lillie’s flat. How would he cope with being back at Eureka Park? The place where he had found out the man he’d called Dad wasn’t his father. Where he’d discovered Clara was his sister. Where he’d been awful to Ma.
As he got out of the car he heard Lillie call out from the window above. ‘Won’t be a sec!’
Moments later she bounded out of the front door and onto the path. She looked lovely with her newly washed hair gleaming in the sunshine and a large smile on her face. At times Lillie drove him mad with her constant interrogations but he was very fond of her. Although he was nervous about what lay ahead, he was glad she had sussed him out and insisted he come to Eureka Park with her today.
‘You look snazzy in that get-up,’ she said and planted a kiss on his cheek.
Ronan had come straight from a dawn parade and was still in uniform. They set off and six and a half hours later, after stopping to get a hamburger in Muswellbrook, they were driving along Wattle Creek Road. A sick feeling churned Ronan’s stomach as they passed the spot where Clara had jumped out of the car in horror.
He turned to Lillie. ‘This is more or less the spot where I told Clara she was my sister.’
Lillie put her hand on his arm. ‘It must have been awful for you.’
‘It wasn’t nice, that’s for sure.’
‘I do wish she’d contact us.’
Every day Ronan waited for another letter from Clara. None came. All he wanted to know was whether she was coping okay.
‘Yes,’ he said to Lillie. ‘So do I.’
Driving up through Eureka Park’s paddocks, Ronan saw the horses grazing happily. How different it all looked to when the O’Sullivans first arrived and there were no horses. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he remembered driving up here with Clara in the back of the car when she first came to Eureka. How she had been talking about her marriage to Lord Charles Fitzpatrick and showed them all her ring. He remembered how he had tried not to become jealous. If only she had gone home and married Charles. How different their lives would be now.
At the homestead he parked the car and he and Lillie got out. When he first saw Ma walk down the garden path, then stop, he held back. It was as if they were two statues glued to the ground, unable to move because of the huge burden of love and regret filling every inch of them.
It was Freddie who broke the ice. Rushing forward, he gave Ronan an appraising look up and down. ‘You look kinda sharp in that uniform. I wouldn’t mind one of those myself. Reckon I should join the Army as well.’
Ronan tugged Freddie’s ear. ‘You might have to wait a few years, young Fred. But I reckon you’d make one heck of a soldier.’
Ronan moved across to give his mother a kiss and a warm hug. She held on to him like she’d never let go and he smelt the familiar shampoo in her hair, which was greyer than when he last saw her.
‘It’s good to see you, Ma,’ he said, stroking her hair and trying to hide his shock at how much she had aged. He suspected he was the cause of most of it.
After Ma finally let him go, he turned to his father. ‘And, Dad, you look fit.’
Ronan saw how happy James was that he’d called him Dad.
‘Welcome home, Ronan,’ James said, holding out his arms to embrace him. ‘Welcome home.’
Now Marcus came up and shook his hand. ‘So what’s it like being a soldier?’
Ronan told them how the first thing that had happened after he’d arrived in the bus with the other recruits at Kapooka was that they’d been herded into the Army barber, who cut off all his hair. Next he had to have a medical check before being issued with his uniform.
‘That one?’ Freddie asked, as they all moved inside for the lavish afternoon tea Ma had prepared.
‘I’ve got a few. For different occasions.’
He told them how he slept in the barracks, which were noisy and it was hard to get to sleep. How the fearsome sergeant major yelled and shouted if they weren’t performing as he thought they should. How Ronan had to turn up for a parade every morning and watch out if anyone was late or marched out of step. He told them about the dining hall where the food was fairly ordinary.
‘Nothing like yours at all, Ma,’ he said, reaching for another slice of his mother’s chocolate cake as they all sat around the kitchen table. ‘But seeing as there’s nothing else to eat I soon got used to it. And,’ he laughed, ‘as Lillie said, I’ve lost weight, which isn’t a bad thing.’
‘What about the other soldiers?’ Freddie asked.
‘They’re not a bad bunch. Some better than others, but that’s anywhere for you.’
Ma poured another round of tea for them all as he told them how fit he was from all the cross-country and obstacle courses he had to do. How they had been dropped into the bush miles and miles away and told to find their way back with just a compass.
‘So did you get back?’ Freddie asked.
‘He wouldn’t be here now if he didn’t,’ Marcus scoffed.
Ronan smiled. Things never changed with Marcus and Freddie.
‘So what’s it like at Holsworthy where you are now?’ Marcus asked.
‘Not bad.’ He laughed. ‘At least the food’s a bit better and the sergeant major’s not so fearsome.’
What he didn’t tell them was how desperate he’d felt on the long bus trip to Kapooka, wondering if he’d done the right thing joining up. How after the first week he thought he’d see if he could get out of it. But by then it was too late. He’d taken the oath and there was no escape. He had to make the best of it.
Now Ma insisted on taking a photo of him in his uniform before he got changed. Firstly he stood by himself under the willow tree outside the front fence, and then with Lillie, Marcus and Freddie. Afterwards Lillie took one of him with the rest of the family. As he stood there under the willow tree with the family he loved so much, Ronan was pleased he’d taken Lillie’s advice and come home. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed them.
* * *
Ronan might have said he was fit but when Kathleen first saw him standing by the car she had a dreadful shock. Not only had he lost weight, he had also lost something else. At first she wasn’t sure what that was, then she realised. He had lost his youth. He was no longer the Ronan she had known all his life. This man before her looked as though he had already been to war and suffered dreadfully. His face was drawn and his beautiful brown eyes had lost their sparkle. He would have seen a change in her as well, but she doubted it was as dramatic as the change in him. It took all of her self-control not to burst into tears, so she was pleased when Freddie had rushed forward to break the ice before Ronan could see the shock in her face.
After they’d had afternoon tea and he’d changed his clothes, she took him for a walk along the riverbank. Kathleen put her arm around her son, and felt her heart would fragment into tiny ripples, much like the ones cascading over the rocks in the river below. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, wiping tears from her eyes. ‘So sorry, my darling.’
‘It’s all right,’ Ronan said, giving her a hug. ‘You weren’t to know. No one was to know. Except Jessica. She really should have said something.’
Kathleen placed her hand on his. ‘Have you heard from Clara?’
‘One letter to say she was back in London and was okay. As you can imagine it’ll take her a while to get over it.’
‘I can quite understand.’ She gave a small smile. ‘Maybe … Well … Maybe one day she’ll want to see her father’s family again.’
‘Not sure about that.’
‘You must miss her so much,’ Kathleen said.
Ronan nodded. ‘It hasn’t been easy.’
‘I really miss her too. We all miss her. Poor Freddie’s devastated.’
‘Yeah, I bet he is.’
They were silent for a moment before Ronan said, ‘Tell me more about my father. I’m afraid I didn’t take much notice of what was in that letter once I discovered he was my father and … Clara’s. What was he really like?’
Kath
leen sat down on a rock and beckoned him to sit beside her. ‘Where should I start?’
‘At the beginning. When you first met him.’
It was an hour later, when the sun had disappeared over the far hills, that Kathleen finished talking.
‘I’m sad I didn’t meet him,’ Ronan said. ‘He sounds a really nice man.’
‘Yes, he was,’ Kathleen said. ‘I suppose in hindsight I should have asked him about Jessica. After all, she was the one who introduced us. But then again, I was so much in love I didn’t really mind who he’d taken out before me. And, in fairness, he never asked me who I’d gone out with before either. We were having too much fun to think about such things.’
‘I’m surprised Jessica didn’t say something when you and he got together.’
‘Jessica has enormous pride. To think he preferred me to her would’ve devastated her. They probably met and got together when Dermot first started flying out of Calcutta and I was posted to Darjeeling with Garrison Headquarters as a Hindi interpreter. I was sent there from time to time.’ She paused. ‘If I think back to when Dermot died, Jessica was nearly as upset as I was. Maybe I should have guessed. Of course I didn’t. And then when I found out about you, she was the only one I told, apart from Finn. I swore her to secrecy. She was brilliant and has never told a soul as far as I know. In all fairness, I don’t suppose she’d have let on about Clara if you and she hadn’t fallen in love. Although we all thought she wanted Clara to marry Charles Fitzpatrick because of his wealth and position, perhaps it was also because she’d guessed Clara was in love with you. Maybe that’s why she was so adamant.’ She sighed. ‘All we can hope now is that Clara somehow gets over it all. And, you, my darling, can get on with your life without her as your wife. And that the Vietnam War is over before you have to go.’ She caressed his face with her hand. ‘It’s enough that Dermot died there.’
‘I doubt the war will end that soon. I leave in a couple of months.’
‘Oh. That soon?’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s such a horrid war. I hate watching the news.’
‘Don’t go worrying yourself, Ma. I’ll be fine.’
The Homestead on the River Page 37