The Homestead on the River

by Rosie MacKenzie

  Kathleen smiled gently. ‘I’m sorry, darling. She’s not here.’

  ‘Where’s she gone?’

  ‘She was never here.’

  ‘But I saw her. I heard her.’

  ‘It was just me, darling.’

  Ronan noticed the worried expression on Ma’s face. Her eyes red-rimmed from lack of sleep, her hair even greyer than when he last saw her. How could he have mistaken her for Clara?

  ‘I think it’s the drugs,’ Kathleen said. ‘They’ve affected your mind.’

  Ronan turned away. An image of Clara projected itself onto the wall opposite. It was when she had first arrived at Eureka Park and they were down by the river. She was wearing her white bikini and laughing. Beside her was Dingo. Next to Dingo were Marcus and Freddie. Lillie was there, too. And Dad and Ma. He remembered how much he had tried not to look at Clara, when all he wanted to do was stare and stare. She was so beautiful. All too clearly now he saw the truth: Clara had never been to his hutchie in Vietnam. She had never been sitting beside his bed. She had disappeared from his life a long time ago. But without Clara, why was he still here? What was the point?

  Some time later he focused on Ma again. The mother he loved so much. The mother who had given him life. His gaze wandered back to the wall; the image of that afternoon by the river was still so clear. Clara was no longer there, but Lillie was. So was Dad, Marcus and Freddie. Even Dingo. Most of all Ma was there, laughing, telling Freddie to stop teasing Clara. Ronan took a deep breath that made his chest hurt. His life might no longer have Clara in it, but it did have the rest of his family. He owed it to them to pull through. After a moment he tried moving his right leg. There was no feeling in it at all.

  ‘Don’t try to move, darling,’ Kathleen said, and he could see the tears shining in her eyes. ‘I’ll go and get the doctor.’

  Shortly afterwards the doctor arrived and bluntly told Ronan what his injuries were. Which was the way Ronan wanted it; no bullshit. When he’d gone Ronan asked Ma to leave him for a while. It felt as if a thick veil had been thrown over his determination to pull through. What was the point? Not only did he not have Clara, the damage to his leg was so severe he might never walk again without crutches.

  ‘If I’d given in when your father died,’ Ma said when she came back some time later, ‘I wouldn’t have you. If you give in now, you’ll be letting me down.’ She took a deep breath and put her hand on his. ‘We’ll get through this, darling. I know we will. And you’ll soon be up and about.’

  ‘That’s a load of baloney, Ma,’ Ronan said. ‘Don’t belittle me by lying.’

  Silence pervaded the room. Ronan tried to come to terms with the life ahead of him. Bad as he felt, he knew if he gave in now, Ma, who had gone through so much, would be grief-stricken. For her sake he should try to pull himself together. He saw his father come in carrying two coffees. For his sake as well he should snap out of it.

  He took Ma’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘I won’t give in,’ he said to them both. ‘I promise.’

  And he meant it.

  * * *

  But it wasn’t easy. He went through two operations on his leg and it was weeks before he was able to get out of bed. Lillie came down to see him the first week and brought Marcus and Freddie with her. She looked so distraught to see his condition that Ronan found he was the one trying to cheer her up.

  ‘You sure you’re not having twins?’ he said. ‘Seems a huge bump for just one.’

  Lillie patted her stomach. ‘Seamus thought he’d wait to come down until you feel a little better. He didn’t want to intrude.’

  ‘I’m not all that keen on joining the Army now,’ Freddie said. ‘Not if I can end up like this.’

  Marcus stood by his bed and scoffed. ‘Stupid idiot for getting hit like that. Should have been more careful.’

  Good old Marcus, Ronan thought. You never change.

  But he had to admit Marcus was spot on. When Ronan was finally released from the hospital, he had to stay in Sydney for rehabilitation. He was pleased when Ma found a small house close to the hospital, big enough for them both and for the rest of the family to visit. Sometimes Dad came down and relieved her. Or it might be Lillie and Seamus, who Ronan thought a decent bloke.

  ‘You sure you know what you’re in for with my sister?’ Ronan said with a grin when he first met Seamus. ‘She’s pretty bossy.’

  Seamus laughed, placing his arm around Lillie. ‘I’ve got a fair idea. But I daresay I’m in for a few surprises.’

  Ronan went to outpatients every day, where the physios worked so hard with him that after six weeks he was able to shuffle about with the help of crutches, before graduating to a stick. One Saturday his friend Dave was down for the weekend and insisted he come out for a drink with him at a nearby beer garden.

  ‘Dave’s thinking of going to New Zealand over the summer,’ he said to Ma the next day. ‘He’s told me to get better so I can go with him.’

  ‘That’s a great idea, darling.’

  ‘A mate of his owns a deer farm. Seems to be doing well. With all this time on my hands I’ve been trying to work out what to do with my life.’

  ‘There’s always Eureka.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. But maybe I can get a piece of dirt of my own at some stage. Deer farming might be the thing if I find the right spot. I’ll get a bit of compensation from the Army to keep me going till it’s up and running.’

  ‘It gives you something to work towards,’ Kathleen said. ‘First New Zealand and then we can look around for a small farm or something.’

  So that’s what Ronan tried to focus on when he woke in the night, worrying what would become of him.

  Then one morning the physio said to him, ‘We can do no more for you here. The rest is up to you.’ He looked at Ma. ‘He might as well go back to Eureka Park and continue his exercises there.’

  Two days later his father drove down and collected them. As Ronan sat in the back seat of the car looking out over the countryside, he remembered when they had first driven up in the Holden in 1963. So much had happened since then, not least of which was this bloody leg of his. He tried not to think about Clara. But it was impossible. He only had to feel the pain in his leg to remember why he had gone to Vietnam.

  CHAPTER

  50

  Lillie almost cried as she watched Ronan hobble around the garden and down to the stables when he first came back to Eureka. She also suspected it wasn’t only his external injuries he was trying to come to terms with and that Clara was still causing him immense pain. Once she had asked him to play his guitar, but he refused. Was it because it would remind him of Clara singing with him?

  ‘Do you think we should let Jessica know that Ronan was injured?’ she asked her father not long after Ronan had arrived at the hospital in Sydney. ‘I’m sure Clara would want to know what’s happened. Maybe Jessica’s got some idea where she is. I know Ronan said he and Clara didn’t really want to keep in touch. But if I were in her shoes I’d want to know. She must still care about him a lot.’

  Eventually her father nodded. ‘Yes, you’re probably right.’

  But when Lillie rang Jessica’s number, another woman answered the phone. Jessica wasn’t there. She told Lillie she was Jessica’s friend Mary Archer.

  ‘I’ve been living with Jessica to help her with the rent. Can I pass a message on?’

  When Lillie explained who she was and how Ma and Jessica had been friends for years and Clara had been out to stay with them in Australia, she said: ‘Jessica told me all about your family. I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you that she’s in hospital. Cancer. All that smoking caught up with her in the end. It seems to have taken a hold.’

  ‘Oh. How awful,’ Lillie said. ‘Does Clara know?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of. Jessica and I have tried to find her. A bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. If you want to get lost in London it’s so easy. Not that we know for sure if she’s still in London.’

  ‘I
suppose she could be anywhere.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Could you give me Jessica’s address at the hospital? I’m sure Ma would like to write to her.’

  ‘Of course … I’ll get it.’

  Lillie and James agreed that Ma should be told, but when Lillie rang her down in Sydney she said she was far too concerned about Ronan to be worried about Jessica.

  ‘What if Clara gets in touch with her?’

  ‘Well, if you’ve got Jessica’s address, maybe you could drop her a line.’

  So Lillie did. But the family hadn’t heard back.

  One afternoon when she was sitting on the back verandah while Ronan was doing his rehabilitation exercises nearby, Seamus strode across the lawn and sat down beside her. He put his hand on her belly.

  ‘And how’s that baby of mine this afternoon?’

  ‘Kicking and shoving as though it wants to get out. Now.’

  ‘Well, perhaps we should take a stroll down to the horses and that might get things on the move. How about you, Ronan?’

  Ronan shook his head. ‘You two head off. I’ll work here a little longer.’

  Lillie was pleased that Ronan and Seamus got on so well. They both loved rugby and when Ronan was still doing rehab in Sydney Seamus sent him books on Irish history, which Ronan devoured. Seamus had ditched the book he was writing on the Crimean War to write another about the uprising in Ireland, which he had called The Chalice, and he gave Ronan the manuscript to read.

  ‘Rathgarven features in it a great deal,’ he’d said to Lillie, when he first arrived at Eureka Park and gave her a copy. ‘Well, I don’t call it Rathgarven in the book. I call it Ballymont. I didn’t want that Donoghue man getting any spin-off out of it if, by chance, it became successful. Which,’ he laughed, ‘is highly unlikely. Mind you, I put all the right ingredients in — sex, lies, betrayal, violence. The lot. As you well know, it was an explosive time back then.’

  When Lillie finished it she thought it was one of the best stories she’d ever read. Ma and Dad thought the same.

  ‘You’ve captured the burning of Rathgarven so well,’ James said. ‘I was only very young but I do have certain memories.’

  ‘But you’ve never seen Rathgarven,’ Lillie said to Seamus.

  ‘Ah, your descriptions were enough to fire my imagination.’

  ‘Well, it’s very good,’ Kathleen said. ‘Congratulations.’

  ‘Ah, you’re all biased,’ Seamus had chuckled, sounding chuffed all the same.

  * * *

  It was now coming close to the time when Lillie and Seamus had to make a decision about where they were going to live. Seamus couldn’t stay in Australia forever. He had a bit of money saved from the earnings of his last book, and he had some dividends from shares, which they were living on. He’d sent his manuscript of The Chalice to his agent, but hadn’t heard back. ‘I’ll need to go see him and give him a push when we get back to Dublin,’ he said to Lillie.

  Fortunately, when the Australian government heard that his wife was pregnant, they gave Seamus an extension on his visa, but that would run out in a few months. Since their honeymoon, he and Lillie had been living together in the manager’s cottage — Arthur had decided to take a year off and travel around Australia with his girlfriend. Although James had employed another head stablehand in Arthur’s absence, he lived at Gullumbindy and travelled out each day, meaning the manager’s cottage was free. Lillie had decorated it with seagrass matting and cane furniture, making it feel homely.

  ‘I could get used to this,’ Seamus proclaimed one balmy evening as they sat on the verandah looking down on the river. On the far bank the cattle were milling as they usually did at this time of the day. ‘If I didn’t have a flat in Dublin I’d suggest we make your parents an offer and live here forever. It’s a grand spot for a writer.’

  ‘I know you could apply for residency,’ Lillie said. ‘But you wouldn’t survive without Ireland. And Ireland wouldn’t survive without you.’

  ‘Your family has coped.’

  ‘That’s different,’ Lillie said.

  But she wondered if it was much different after all. Lillie knew her father missed Ireland. There wasn’t an Irishman in the whole world who didn’t dream of his homeland. No matter what success they’d had in their new homes, Ireland, with its emerald fields and haunting music, would always hold their hearts. Much as Lillie loved Australia and would miss her family, she too was missing Ireland. And she would like to be closer to Grandma before she got much older and frailer. The only cloud was that she wouldn’t be able to go back to Rathgarven. But at least she could visit Drominderry House and see Maisie and Paddy and gaze down on the beautiful Kenmare River.

  ‘How soon do you think we can fly after the baby comes?’ Seamus asked.

  ‘Maybe if we plan to go back when it’s around four months. If you like I’ll ring Qantas and see if we can get a reasonable fare then.’

  ‘That sounds like a good idea,’ Seamus said, getting up to give her a kiss. ‘Mind you, my freezing cold flat in Dublin will be a lot different to this.’

  Lillie looked down to the river with the last of the sun shimmering across its smooth surface. Seamus was right. It certainly would be different.

  * * *

  ‘Oh my God,’ Lillie screamed. ‘I don’t think I can do this. Can’t you give me anything? Gas or something?’

  ‘You’ve had enough, love. If you have any more you won’t be able to push,’ the officious white-clad nurse said as she wiped Lillie’s brow with a wet cloth. ‘A few more hard pushes and you’ll be there.’

  The pain was so excruciating Lillie thought she was going to die. Her mother had gone through this four times. How had she done that?

  ‘Push,’ the nurse urged again, standing at the end of the bed. Now the door opened and the doctor came rushing in.

  ‘I think it’s about to come,’ the nurse said to him.

  Sure enough, just as Lillie thought she couldn’t cope with the agony a second longer or push any more, she felt her baby slide out from between her legs and she heard a loud bellowing cry.

  ‘Oh my God! What is it?’ she stammered.

  ‘A girl,’ the doctor said. A few minutes later he handed a messy bundle to her. ‘A beautiful, perfect little girl.’

  Lillie looked at her daughter and felt such a rush of love she immediately forgot the pain she had just endured.

  When Seamus set eyes on her he declared, ‘She’s a bonny wee lass. Like her beautiful mother.’

  They decided to call her Gemma simply because they both liked the name and she would always be their little gem. For her second name they settled on Alice, which delighted Lillie’s parents.

  When Marcus and Freddie saw her they thought she was the funniest thing they’d seen in a long while. When Ma looked at Gemma she burst out crying.

  ‘She looks so like you,’ she said to Lillie. ‘I don’t believe it.’

  ‘Nothing of me at all then?’ Seamus asked. ‘Not a smidgen?’

  ‘I can see she’s got your eyes,’ James said diplomatically.

  As Gemma had been born with blue eyes and Seamus’s joyous eyes were so obviously green, both Lillie and Ma laughed.

  The next day Ronan came in with Seamus. For some reason Lillie got a shock when she saw him walking with his stick. With all that had happened over the last day or so, she had more or less forgotten about his injuries. Although she could see he was genuinely happy for her, she was sad for him. This is what he thought would happen when he had proposed to Clara.

  * * *

  On a brisk morning with a stiff wind blowing and everyone rugged up in warm coats, Father Fogarty christened Gemma at the church in Gullumbindy. Deb and Ronan were godparents. Outside the church afterwards the family stood on the steps posing for photographs. Gemma was screaming her little head off, causing Freddie to exclaim, ‘She doesn’t like having her photo taken, so we should stop doing that right now!’

  Lillie soon realised t
hat being a mother was no piece of cake. She seemed to be forever sitting with Gemma attached to her breast, trying to pacify her, or washing bucketloads of dirty nappies and hanging them on the line to dry. It was as if a Martian had dropped down from the sky and taken hold of her life and turned it upside down. In fact Lillie wasn’t sure how she would have coped without Ma during those first few weeks. It wasn’t only the lack of sleep, it was the feeling of hopelessness when Gemma screamed, kicking her legs in the air and flailing her little arms.

  ‘It’s only wind,’ Ma would say, placing her over her shoulder and burping her.

  And sure enough Gemma would settle down until Lillie was ready to feed her again. However, if Lillie tried to mimic Ma and lay Gemma over her shoulder to burp her, she would continue to bellow.

  ‘She must sense you’re an anxious new mum,’ Ma said one day when Lillie came to the homestead bemoaning there was no way she could stop Gemma crying. ‘I had the same problem with Ronan. That’s when Alice was such a help.’

  In some ways Seamus seemed frightened of Gemma. ‘What if I drop the wee thing? And she breaks in two?’

  And he certainly was no good at changing nappies.

  The one who was best with her was Freddie, who spent ages sitting by her bassinet talking to her and trying to calm her down. Lillie was pleased to see Ronan was getting out and about a bit more with his walking stick. His friend Dave often came out to Eureka and they would go off for the day in Dave’s car. Ronan told her he had made a firm commitment to go to New Zealand with Dave where Dave’s family friend had a deer farm.

  ‘I daresay they’ll find me some sort of job,’ he said, glancing at his walking stick. ‘Even if it’s bookwork. Gives me a bit of breathing space before I decide what to do next.’

  Lillie thought that was a great idea. He needed to get away from Eureka. In New Zealand he might be able to get over the trauma of Vietnam and forget Clara for a while. He may even meet someone else.

  CHAPTER

  51

  It was late November 1969 with Gemma now nearly four months old. Lillie and her mother were sitting on a rug in the garden letting her little legs get some sunshine when Lillie picked up the newspaper Ma had been reading. On the front page was a report that Winifred Black had been acquitted, the judge and jury believing her account of Finn’s murder and that it was self-defence when she killed her husband. Lillie knew the police had been out to Eureka when she and Seamus were away on their honeymoon to collect evidence and get Winifred to show them exactly what had happened.