‘It was certainly a rollercoaster ride,’ is what I eventually manage to say.
Harrison lets out an expletive.
‘You went all that way to have your heart stamped upon?’ He sounds angry on my behalf.
‘Not in that way, Harrison. I mean emotionally. It was an unbelievable few days and Daniel didn’t disappoint on any level, at all.’
‘Well, that’s good news, isn’t it? You sound all loved-up, lady!’
I laugh; Harrison just seems to understand and I can hear how happy he is for me.
‘I am but my head is still all over the place and I have to ground myself. First of all I need to get the divorce sorted and then when Daniel finally gets back he’ll bring Bella to visit us so that the girls can spend some time together.’
Harrison lets out a loud exclamation. ‘What? That’s the extent of the plan so far and you’re happy with it?’
‘There’s no point in getting ahead of ourselves, Harrison. And in the meantime we’ll both be going through quite a major upheaval and we can support each other through it. It’s a great way of cementing our relationship.’
‘Ha! You sound more like a builder’s mate than a woman on the brink of falling headlong in love. If you haven’t already,’ he declares, clearly puzzling over the fact that I’m suddenly downplaying everything. Somehow I know he’ll figure out that if I’m not sharing something with him, it’s for a very good reason.
‘We had a frank talk and I can see now that I have trust issues. The best way around that is to take it slowly. If I’m going to worry about anything now it’s what that rat of a husband of mine might do when he receives the divorce papers. I need to focus on becoming a free woman and how I’m going to pay for it. When Daniel returns to the UK in August, we’ll have a much better idea about how things are panning out.’
Harrison makes a sound along the lines of a protracted ‘Hmm’ but he’s too much of a gentleman to pursue it.
‘I think I need to meet this guy who seems to have allayed all of your fears and put you at ease so readily. Perhaps we could all go out for a meal together when he gets back. I want to satisfy myself that he really is as good as he sounds.’
I can’t help chuckling to myself. Poor Daniel will have to face Harrison as well as my dad.
‘He was a little jealous when your name came up. He asked why I suddenly decided to talk to a counsellor and, of course, that was down to you. I explained you were already taken.’
Harrison laughs. ‘I bet that was some conversation. Well, everything I’ve read about him and his work so far sounds genuine enough. So I guess you’re in safe hands.’
It’s touching that Harrison has spent time checking Daniel out on my behalf. ‘When you meet him you’ll understand that isn’t necessary. He’s kind and caring and genuine.’
‘Okay, I get the message and I’m thrilled for you, lovely lady. I’m just a bit anxious about the upheaval to come, I suppose.’
I’m pushing all of that to the back of my mind for now because there’s only so much I can cope with at any given time. Besides, there’s no point in speculating about what might, or might not happen. I know that Harrison would be frowning if he knew that the only person I can talk to about it all is now Daniel himself. And we text constantly; my phone is rarely out of my hands at the moment.
I realise that what I’m doing is precisely what I accused Harrison of doing with his situation. I’m avoiding the real issue here. Is it irresponsible of me to gloss over some hard truths in order to grab the happiness I long to have? Have I the right to expect my family to cope with the fallout if something goes wrong, when they have absolutely no idea there’s even an issue? Daniel’s secret will have to be shared eventually and I’m not even sure I can fully understand the implications. All I know is that I want to be there for him whatever happens. But what impact will this have on Rosie and my parents for the future? I bitterly regret it’s a question I can’t ask Harrison because his endorsement would be reassuring.
I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
I turn to meditation and for the very reasonable price of £7.99, a CD takes me on a daily journey to a calmer place. My working days are filled with routine. School run, walk, meditation session, work, walk, school run. Dinner, quality time with Rosie, bedtime story and a final meditation session.
Then I tackle one of the two elephants in the room. I jump online to read up as much as I can about child custody and parental access rights, until I’m so tired I simply drop into bed. Most of it is anecdotal, as Ollie has given me chapter and verse on the law. But judging by what I’ve read when it comes down to it, there’s often a lot of heartache following bitter and drawn-out battles. It’s not at all unusual for estranged husbands to step back in to claim right of access, or apply for shared custody.
Even worse is the complication when the parents are in different countries. I try not to read the stories about cases where a child is handed over in good faith for a visit but then never returned. I shed tears as I read how a parent suddenly loses all access to the child they once took care of; sometimes years pass while everything is tangled up in litigation. Forewarned is forearmed, but it’s depressing. Exhaustion means I’m too tired to dream, or at least remember what goes through my head in the dark hours of night.
Daniel and I now talk on the phone more than we text and just to hear his voice is like a welcoming hug. We are committed to keeping up each other’s spirits but time just seems to be stretching out endlessly with little happening to move either of us forward.
At weekends Rosie and I plan something different each day so that our hours are filled and happy. Now she no longer has gym club there are no restrictions until she decides what she wants to try next. Taekwondo is still high on the list, although she’s adding to it on a daily basis and the latest one is a sewing class.
I’m now being sent all manner of things to test and review including backpacks, suitcases, a fashion range of crease-resistant clothing – you name it, I get it. Which is great, but it means I’m really busy.
My second appointment with Jackie was what sparked the purchase of the meditation CD. She felt it was something that would help me to learn to detach myself from my worries. Even if it is only for two half-hour sessions each day. With my stress levels at an all-time high that is bound to affect Rosie, so I have to at least try to do something about it.
When I started seeing Jackie I thought she would come up with answers, but really all she does is ask a question to start me talking. And then she’ll ask another question and when I think about it, what she is doing is getting me to look inwardly and challenge myself. Why do I blame myself for the fact that Kelly is lost to us all? Why should I have been left with large debts about which I had no prior knowledge?
I’m beginning to accept that I can only control my own actions. What other people do, or don’t do, is not my fault even though it might have an impact on my life. It doesn’t change anything but it finally lessens the guilt. I felt I should have been able to see through Antonio; but if I had then maybe he wouldn’t have been in my life long enough for us to have had Rosie. That was a sobering thought, as she is everything to me. My concern focuses now on Antonio’s intentions and future actions.
Another thing I’ve learnt is that it’s okay to admit when I’m feeling down and vulnerable. But I also need to acknowledge that I’m a strong person who has survived a real ordeal and nothing should rob me of that satisfaction.
We have talked a little about Daniel but I haven’t told her how close we have become. Daniel and I chat every night for about an hour before going to sleep. The new rule is to give the highlight and the lowlight of the day to remind us that life is about achieving a balance; and not simply focusing on the negative. We keep each other moving forward with positivity and purpose and that’s all I need to stay strong.
My phone buzzes and the caller ID tells me it’s Ollie.
‘Hi Ollie, how can I help?’
I save the file I
’m working on and stand up, needing to stretch my legs.
‘We’ve had a response from your husband. Before he signs and returns the paperwork he wants to talk to you.’
I suck in a deep breath and my heart starts to pound in my chest as anxiety begins to take hold. My fears were real, not imagined and now he’s making his first move.
‘Has he made any other demands?’
‘Nothing at all, as yet.’
I take a few deep breaths, trying to slow everything down so I can stay in control and focus on the conversation.
‘What do you advise?’
‘With no indication at all of what he wants to talk to you about and given that he has no legal representation, I would advise exerting caution here. Especially given the circumstances. That first contact may well be an emotionally driven one, on both sides. The last thing we want is for a heated exchange so early in the process.’
I knew this was coming; Antonio is going to start making demands because from bitter experience I’ve learnt there’s always a reason behind everything he does.
‘Can we force his hand and say a call is unacceptable?’
‘Of course. Although it might be that what he wants to talk about doesn’t involve custody or financial issues relating to the divorce itself.’
‘An explanation of his actions, you mean?’
‘It’s possible. Either way, I would advise that if any such conversation does take place it should involve either myself, or an independent third party as a witness. It could avoid potential fallout further down the road. People’s memories can play tricks because they hear what they want to hear. As a trained mediator, though, I should emphasise that it’s important to keep the lines of communication open if at all possible.
‘In this case it’s a starting point. If he lived in the UK, we would arrange a face to face meeting to begin with. That isn’t an option so I’m going to suggest you come up to our offices in Leeds and we can book a conference call. That way I can sit in on it with you. If I feel either of you are straying into areas which are best dealt with in other ways, I can then intercede on your behalf. How does that sound?’
It may well be easier if I’m on neutral ground and maybe add some weight to the seriousness of the situation from Antonio’s perspective. He’ll no doubt think it’s acceptable to have my phone number and that would be a mistake.
‘Okay. Let’s get this over and done with as soon as possible. Just arrange a time and a date and I’ll be there. I can’t have this question mark about what he wants hanging over my head for much longer. If there’s going to be a battle then I want to know exactly what he’s after. Thanks, Ollie. I couldn’t face this on my own, it would be too much.’
‘I’ll respond immediately and email you the details, including directions to our offices. I know you are concerned but a frank discussion at this stage could be very helpful to the process.’
I was praying that Antonio would simply sign the papers and return them, taking away any thoughts of a potential custody battle. If this was simply about him wanting to catch up on how Rosie is doing, he would have written to me via his parents. No, this is Antonio sending a clear signal that he feels he has the upper hand before we even begin.
‘I’ll be in touch as soon as the date has been confirmed. Take care, Leah, and try not to worry unduly.’
~
Having settled Rosie down for the night, it isn’t long before Sally arrives in answer to my panicky phone call to her earlier on.
‘Thanks for popping around. I need to talk to someone. But first, I’ll put the kettle on. How are you feeling?’
Sally closes the door behind her and follows me through into the kitchen, flopping down onto one of the dining chairs.
‘Ghastly every morning until about half past ten, then I perk up for the rest of the day. Aside from that I’m hungry all the time but that’s it. The website is growing busier by the day and it’s hard not to be constantly snacking. My diet is now officially on hold although I am trying to make sure what I’m reaching for are the healthier options these days. Crisps, biscuits and chocolate bars have been banned from the house.’
I raise my eyebrows in surprise at the sheer determination in her voice.
‘Good for you. I can offer some nuts or dried fruit if you’re in the mood.’
She laughs. ‘No, I’m good, I’ve just eaten, thank you. So, what’s this worrying new development with Antonio?’
I carry our drinks across to the table and sit next to her. It’s all still sinking in and fear is wrapping itself around me like an invisible net, drawing me down to a place I don’t want to go.
‘Ollie rang the day before yesterday to say Antonio wants to talk to me. I’m heading up to the solicitor’s offices tomorrow for a conference call. Ollie is going to sit in, in an advisory capacity.’
‘Is Antonio aware of that? I mean, there’s no way he could insist on talking to you alone? What if he starts making threats?’
‘Yes, he’s aware. Ollie says if he tries that we’ll simply terminate the call and insist that any communication from that point onwards should be in writing. Ollie has warned that things can deteriorate really quickly, though, so his advice is to take a very cautious, but receptive approach. Antonio hasn’t appointed a solicitor but I’m scared, Sally.’
She looks at me, pulling a long face.
‘He shouldn’t have any rights at all, Leah. He doesn’t deserve any consideration, if you ask me.’
I nod. ‘I feel the same way, especially as he has literally torn this family apart. But that’s an emotional reaction and the law is clear about his rights. Obviously, the debts he left behind and which I have now cleared, will be taken into account if he tries to demand any money from me. But mostly I’m worried about a custody fight over Rosie, given that he lives in Florida now.’
Sally looks aghast.
‘I had no idea he could exert any rights at all after such a long period with no contact. Even ignoring the fact that this situation is of his own making.’
I stare down into my coffee mug. ‘Ollie did explain at the start that the court will only take into consideration what is in Rosie’s best interests. And I agree with that in principle. But if a man can tear a family apart with his selfishness, then abandon his wife and daughter for seven years knowing the situation he left them in, how can he ever be trusted?
‘However, if Antonio decides he’s going to begin making an effort, then it appears that I have no legal right to refuse him contact unless I can prove neglect, or abuse. And if I could it would be after the fact, which I find totally horrifying. If we can’t agree on an appropriate level of access to Rosie it will be for the court to decide. Ollie said that Antonio’s lack of consistency will be taken into account, but the court will still opt to give him a chance. He told me that it would be a grave mistake to adopt a rigid position as there are no provable concerns over safety issues. The reason the court won’t attach much weight to what happened in the past is because it’s possible for someone to see the error of their ways and change.’
Sally shakes her head.
‘You’ve always provided a safe, nurturing environment for her, but what if Antonio says he can now offer the same?’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen because I could never place my trust in him again after what he did.’
Sally’s frown deepens. ‘So, the only other option is to reach a mutual agreement?’ Her tone is one of disgust.
‘Yes. If we can’t agree, then we go through a dispute-resolution service and thrash out something called a Parenting Plan. Ollie is also a trained resolution practitioner but Antonio could insist someone else is appointed.’
We look at each other with something akin to frustrated disbelief plastered all over our faces. It’s beyond a joke.
‘This is appalling, Leah. Morally it seems so very wrong and I don’t care what the law has to say on the matter.’
I nod in agreement, st
ill grappling with the real fear that I might have no choice but to hand Rosie over to Antonio at some point. What if he disappears again, this time taking her with him? A cold chill begins to settle in the pit of my stomach.
‘The reason I wanted to talk to you is that it’s easy for me to see this solely from my own perspective. Ollie can only advise me on the technical detail of the law, obviously, and a lot of this is worst–case scenario stuff. But I need you to step back a little and think about it from Rosie’s perspective. You’ve known her all her life. She knows nothing at all about what’s happening and I’m not even sure he wants to come back into her life until I’ve spoken to him.
‘Maybe he’s after money, having convinced himself there would have been spare equity in the house – which there wasn’t. But he was always good at fooling himself and you only need to look at the way a once lucrative business fell through his hands and ended up amassing large debts. Most of the items on the credit card bills were business-related expenses; it allowed him to ignore the truth of the situation for months and when things were about to fall apart he just ran away.
‘If the worst happens and he’s adamant he wants to begin a relationship with his daughter, morally have I the right to fight against that? Would I be robbing Rosie of the chance to get to know her real father? Should I be the one to ask for her opinion before all of this kicks off?’
Sally sits back in her chair looking at me in a state of bewilderment.
‘That’s a tough one. I think you should wait until you’ve spoken to him before you talk to Rosie. This will come as quite a shock and if it’s hard to handle as an adult, how difficult will it be for a nine-year-old child? My advice is that you get all the facts first.’
My head is aching with it all.
‘Every child obviously wants to believe their parents are both loving people who put them first and that’s the example I’ve set.’ I never thought to question how wise that decision was at the time.
‘Rosie has no real idea of what her father did, or the type of person he is – or the state he left you in, does she? Maybe you’re been too protective, Leah.’ Sally is, ironically, reflecting my own thoughts now.
A Greek Affair Page 25