Finally, I reached the ground. I passed Lauren to Cade and jumped into the back seat of the car. As soon as I was in, he passed her down to me.
She was as light as a feather and it made the whole manoeuvre easier than it should have been. She was slim normally, but over the last few days the weight had fallen off her. She was thirsty all the time and too physically tired to even get to the bathroom. I’d spent the last twenty-four hours giving her water and carrying her to the bathroom to pee.
For a couple of days, we’d thought she’d just caught a virus. But she hadn’t gotten any better and even with a very limited medical knowledge between us, we knew it was far more serious. She was getting worse, not better.
Holding her tight in my arms, I looked down at the girl that had given up everything to be with me. The claws of fear had opened and attached themselves to my flesh. I couldn’t lose her, I couldn’t exist without her.
Please let her be okay. I’ll give anything for you to make sure she’s okay.
I didn’t have a religion and I didn’t believe in any God, but at that moment I let my silent prayer lift up to whoever might be listening and wiped away the one tear that had rolled down and off my face and onto the unusually pale skin of her cheek.
All these years later and I could still taste the overwhelming pungent smell of my own fear in the air around me. My stomach rolled around in protest at the sick feeling inside me and my arms ached to hold her encased within them. I needed to breathe her in and for some reason, even though I left her happy and sated only this morning, I needed to check she was okay.
A feeling of déjà vu washed over me and I knew that whatever it took I was leaving this waste of time meeting, as soon as fucking possible.
I lifted my focus from my boots and over the table to the overpaid suit who was still fucking rambling.
‘Look I’m sorry… Mr…’ I started to rudely click my thumb and index finger together, snapping them loudly to attract his attention as I was unable to remember the boring bastard’s name. I knew it wasn’t his fault that I wanted out of here, but I was prepared to cause all sorts of trouble to get my own way, even making him think I was a complete arsehole.
‘It’s Anthony McFarland.’ I felt Cade kick my boots with one of his own as he shouted at me.
‘Apologies, Anthony. Mr. McFarland.’ My English upbringing got the better of me for a few seconds and then I was back to getting what I wanted. ‘I know we had to run off earlier due to a family emergency, but how much fucking longer is this meeting going to take?’
I looked over at him as he tried to calculate what I’d asked.
‘Just fucking go. I’ve got this,’ Cade offered.
‘You sure?’ I asked the question, but was already standing up and getting ready to leave.
‘Yeah, fuck off, you’re useless here today anyway.’ He grinned up at me. ‘I’m pleased for you man, fucking pleased. Go get her, you’ve waited long enough.’
I grabbed at his head on the way past and placed a loud smacker on the top in thanks and then ruffled his hair.
‘Just fuck off,’ he shouted as my hand found the brass door knob and I pulled it open hastily in a bid to escape.
Closing the door behind me, for a split second I stood and contemplated. I needed a shower and a change of clothes, but what I knew I needed more was to get back to her. I checked my pocket and pulled out my car keys.
I came down the main stairs at The Manor in time to see Flint coming in the smaller door to the left carrying a small white box. He looked happy and that was rare these days. I slowed my pace down to almost standing, so I could watch him a bit longer as he walked further into the reception area.
Finally, he looked up and finding me on the first flight of stairs, his smile fell away.
I wasn’t sure what I’d done, even though I’d asked him several fucking times in the last few months, but his reaction to my presence gutted me every time.
‘Hey, Flint. What’s in the box?’ I could see it was tied up with Christmas themed ribbon and could have made a guess, as I knew he’d been with Lauren for most of the morning. But, it was getting hard to engage him in any conversation at all, so I asked the question anyway.
I watched as he lifted the box up higher and let it swing a little on his finger. ‘We baked shortbread while we waited.’
‘That was good of Lauren.’
‘Yeah, I like her. She said I can go back anytime and help her in the kitchen.’ He smiled as he remembered his time there.
‘I like her too,’ I answered, feeling pleased they’d spent some quality time together. ‘And that’s good, I know how much you enjoy cooking.’ I cleared my throat and spoke again. ‘She’s an old friend of mine, she means a lot to me.’
He stared at me for a few seconds and his eyes narrowed. ‘I need to go and find Brie, she made these for Luke.’
‘I’m off out for a while. See you later.’
‘Yeah?... Just to let you know, Lauren has a visitor. Someone named Toby.’
As soon as the door banged shut behind Flint, I stood and began to tidy the table we’d been sitting at. I put the cups, plate and dirty napkins onto the tray I’d carried them out on, and with my hands I swept up the few crumbs from the table. The china chinked together as my hands shook with nerves as I walked back to the kitchen, looking once again at the weighted clock on the wall as I passed.
Five minutes and Toby would be here. Passionate he wasn’t but punctual he most definitely was.
My phone vibrated in the back pocket of my jeans and I pulled it out to check the message. I felt sick as I read the incoming message from Raff, and realised he must have programmed his number in earlier today.
Fuck the meeting. I’m on my way back, because, Loz, I can’t stay away from you.
‘Oh no,’ I whispered into the empty space around me. As much as I wanted him with me, I needed to speak to Toby by myself.
I replied quickly watching my fingers shake a little as I typed.
I’m expecting Toby.
The three dots started to pulse and I knew he was replying.
I know. Flint told me. I’ll stay in the car until he drives away.
When I didn’t reply, the dots started to jump again.
I know you’re nervous. I can feel it. Do you want me in there with you?
No, I don’t. Please no he can’t!
My hand that was holding my phone began to shake too and I hurriedly replied.
No, I don’t.
Okay. Just remember it’s the only thing standing between us. Tell him. Otherwise I will, I don’t want to spend any more time apart. And remember, I love you.
I flicked the switch on my phone to silent and placed it back in my pocket. An overwhelming sense to lock up the tearooms and to run upstairs to the flat came over me. I swallowed, took a deep breath and forced it back down.
I’d called Toby over earlier to break up with him and to tell him that I was now with another man. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I’d sworn in my head that I was going to tell him the truth. I knew he’d be angry and he had every right to be, but he deserved the truth and then hopefully once he’d gone away to lick his wounds he would be able to move on. I was now convinced that however much affection we held for each other, we weren’t in love. Two weeks ago, our strange relationship had been enough, almost a consolation prize for those like me, who had already loved and lost.
But the past twenty-four hours had shown me that it wasn’t.
It wasn’t even nearly enough.
I placed the tray down on the side in the kitchen and bent to place the dirty cups into the dishwasher. Dropping the required tablet into the machine, I turned the dial and listened to the whoosh of water as it switched on. Holding on to the side of the worktop with both hands I tried to compose myself. Earlier this morning, I had gone over the words in my head as I practised what I was going to say him.
Now, after Flint’s revelation about Rafferty, nothing I was going to say t
o him seemed to make any sense at all.
‘Lauren, I’m here.’
Toby’s voice called out to me and I closed my eyes as I let out a long exhale. I gripped the side even tighter, wishing I could sink my nails deep into the solid surface. I braced myself as I let his voice wash over me and comprehended, not for the first time, that the tone of voice he’d used was the same one he always used to announce he was about to orgasm. A shudder rippled down my back as I was reminded of just how punctual the man really was.
Whatever decision I made about Rafferty, I knew that I didn’t want to be with Toby either. Resolutely, I took off my apron and threw it onto the side. I turned, walked back out of the doorway and down the narrow corridor.
As soon as he heard the squeak of my Converse on the tiled floor he turned away from warming his hands over the log burner and offered me a smile. When I didn’t reciprocate it, I saw his smile fade.
‘Should I be worried, Lauren?’ he immediately questioned.
Acting braver than I felt, I continued to walk nearer to him and offered him a small nod.
‘I need to talk to you, Toby. Can you take a seat?’ I pulled out the same seat I’d been sitting on earlier, when I’d spent time talking to Flint, and gesticulated to the one that was opposite mine for him to sit down on.
‘No thanks,’ he replied with a defensive tone already in his voice. ‘I think I’d prefer to stand.’
Placing my forearms on the table I allowed my hands to clasp together and although they gripped each other tightly, I made them sit still on the table top. I knew Toby, if he saw any chink in my armour he would try everything to talk me around to his point of view.
Once I was convinced I was giving out the exact body language I needed to start the conversation, I looked up at him and began.
‘Toby, something has happened while you’ve been away. It’s… well it’s sort of put things into perspective for me.’
I watched as his eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest. But he never uttered a sound, only nodded at me for me to carry on.
‘I’ve realised that I can’t ask you to continue in this relationship with me under false pretences.’
My eyes that had momentarily wandered, came back to his as he still didn’t say anything. Although I’d been clasping my hands tightly together, my thumbs now began to move of their own accord and rubbed at each other in agitation. I watched his eyes take in the small movement and willed myself to stop.
‘What false pretences, Lauren?’
‘I’m sorry, I know we discussed the possibility of getting married only a few weeks ago.’ I knew I was grasping at straws now as I continued speaking. ‘Maybe that’s what made me think, panicked me almost. But, I now know that I can’t marry you.’ A huge sigh followed the words out of my mouth on a rush.
‘Why?’ I had never known Toby to be a man of such few words.
I took another deep breath, I needed to find the words that would convince him of what I was saying, but also ones that would hurt him the least. But, right at this minute I was struggling to find ones that would do both.
‘Because I don’t love you like I should.’
‘I don’t understand. What’s happened while I’ve been away to make you come to that conclusion?’
My eyes opened wider in exasperation, unclasping my hands I opened them up to him. ‘I should love you with an all-consuming passion, but I don’t. I like you… but it’s not enough. You can’t start a marriage on like.’ His eyes opened in question at me and I knew he still wasn’t taking in what I wanted him to. ‘I cannot start a marriage, knowing that I don’t love you like I should. It’s not enough for me and it really shouldn’t be enough for you!’
I could see from his body language that my revelations had knocked his confidence. His shoulders had slumped further forward, making him seem slightly shorter than he really was.
‘But it is. It’s more than enough for me. You’re an attractive woman. We have a meeting of minds. We run two small, but growing businesses in the same area. We’re good together in and out of bed. I don’t want or need anything more.’
I rolled both of my lips over my teeth and inhaled deeply. I couldn’t help myself but I physically flinched as the last words came out of his mouth, and without even saying the words I knew that he knew.
‘Do you have something else to tell me?’
I nodded and answered. ‘I’m sorry, Toby… but while you’ve been away I’ve…’
‘You’ve what, Lauren?’ I knew he already knew by the way he questioned me.
‘I slept with someone else.’ I refused to use the phrase, cheated. Because in my heart I knew it wasn’t true. I hadn’t been cheating on anyone when I slept with Raff, because we were always meant to be.
I forced the words out and watched as they filtered through to him. Then I looked down as I waited for the shit to fly. I knew I had to let him have his say about what I had owned up to, it was only fair. We weren’t young, stupid or even naive and I could use none of these things in my defence. So, I sat waiting for him to shout, accuse and hate me.
But nothing came.
I lifted my eyes back up to him, to watch his thin lips twist slightly.
‘Say something,’ I implored, waving my arms up in the air.
‘What you’ve done is given in to lust. Lust is not a deal breaker for me.’
The scrape of the chair legs on the tiles screamed their protest as I stood up quickly and pushed myself away from the table. ‘It’s not a “deal breaker?”’ I no longer recognised my own voice, it had gone up several notes and was now shrill, as I reflected my resentment in my tone. ‘Well it is for me, Toby. And what you’re saying is only proving to me, that we are not meant to be together. I mean what sort of man is happy and okay about sharing his woman with another man?’
I watched him laugh a little at all the questions I’d bombarded him with, and then he shrugged his shoulders. Then it dawned on me just what a stupid fool I was.
‘You’ve already slept with someone else, haven’t you?”
He didn’t reply, but he didn’t need to. It took everything I had not to move around to the other side of the table and to punch him.
Throwing my hands up into the air, I responded to his lack of response. ‘I can’t believe this. This is shit. Am I that stupid that you thought I’d never find out?’
‘I thought you knew how our relationship was? You’ve never been bothered about me spending time away in the company of other women.’
‘WHAT?... So, let me get this straight in my head. I’m confessing to you that I’ve slept with someone else and you thought we had an open relationship already?’
‘That’s right.’
I literally hated the bastard and the stupid smile that was now covering his entire face.
‘I can’t believe I didn’t see this! This isn’t the sort of relationship I want, or have ever wanted. So, how many women have you slept with while we’ve been “together?’” I air quoted the word either side of my head as I tried to understand just what a fool I’d been, once again. ‘Have you always been careful with these sluts or do I now need to get myself tested for something?’
‘No, I’m always safe and I can’t believe you didn’t realise before, we’re in our thirties, we’re not kids and we never discussed being monogamous, did we? Did you use a condom?’
I looked around the cosy, Christmas card setting of The Fairy Garden. I couldn’t believe the ugly conversation I was having under the sprigs of mistletoe and twinkling fairy lights. My back pocket vibrated and I knew it was Raff, reminding me what I had to do, reminding me about him. For a brief moment, my head went back to yesterday, to when Raff was inside me and my heart remembered how good it had felt to be connected with him once again. ‘That’s not something I need to answer, as you’ll never be anywhere near me again. I can’t believe how far apart you and I actually are in our expectations of a relationship. Everything that is coming out of your mouth is
only going to prove to me that we had no business even being together in the first place.’
I was shaking my head at him as he began to laugh at me.
Suddenly, my feet were moving, my hand raised and I slapped him as hard as I could around the face. His head turned with the weight of the blow and then came back to focus on me. The sound of my hand connecting with his cheek seemed to make the glass panes rattle in the door behind me. I grabbed my burning hand with my other one and squeezed as I willed away the pain.
‘Okay, I deserved that,’ he offered.
‘You don’t say!’
‘So, what happens now then, Lauren. Do you expect the guy you had sex with to ride in here on his white charger and to sweep you off your feet? Are you breaking up with me to move on with him?’
I had been, but I couldn’t tell him that. I also couldn’t say that for a very short while I had been caught up in the wonderful future Raff and I were going to have now we were back together. Now the world had finally tilted on its axis and righted our situation. Flint’s words had brought me back to reality with such an impact, I was surprised I wasn't locked upstairs struggling to breathe and crying my heart out.
‘Not that it’s got anything to do with you, but no, I’m not that bloody stupid. I may believe in happy endings. But, I no longer believe in them for me.’ I could hardly believe how calm and resolute I was being as I spoke the words to him. Only this morning I had been so happy and idealistic. Hearing what Flint had to say about his dad, had then set me onto a different path. I would always love Raff, or maybe that was, I would always love what we could have been. But I now knew it was only an unrealistic dream. Perhaps if I’d never got sick in the first place, things would have been so different.
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 20