Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2)

by A. S. Roberts

  For a few seconds, we looked at each other. Toby was trying to take in what I wanted to say.

  ‘We could make this work. A bit like a business arrangement.’

  I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him. ‘A fucking business arrangement?’ The exasperation in my voice made the words I spoke louder.

  ‘Yes, you know,’ he carried on.

  ‘I don’t and I’m not sure I even want to listen to what you have to say.’ I was now shaking my head at him.

  ‘A lot of marriages are arranged by families. We’d just arrange our own. I could be monogamous for you and I know you want children.’

  ‘You have got to be joking?’ I could still feel my head shaking a little from side to side as I looked at him. ‘I know I’m not stunning like some women. But, never in all my wildest dreams did I ever think someone would propose a business arrangement to me, instead of marriage.’ I was frowning at him. I was having the weirdest conversation of my life with a man I had only this morning set out to break up with. With a man, I now wasn’t sure I even liked.

  My insides felt like they were on fire. But, the feeling of anger inside me had its bonuses. All worries of keeping my anxiety in check were forgotten.

  I was angry at Raff for showing me a tiny snippet of how we could have been together. He had spent one night in my bed and I knew I’d never be the same again. I now knew that the memories I had of him from when we were teenagers, when our love had been young, innocent and all-consuming, was nothing to what we could be together as adults. I knew my life would never be the same again. Truth be told, I’d had always compared every relationship I’d had since him, with him. But, in the back of my head I’d been able to argue that I was looking back with rose-tinted glasses. Now it was even worse, he had shown me what we could have been like for the rest of our lives. Hurt that it was all a lie that he had fed me, fuelled my anger to the point of combustion. Because he had served me up a lie and I couldn’t accept what he wanted. I couldn’t accept marriage to him, because I’d always be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to go. I knew that nothing was ever guaranteed, but with him I couldn’t accept knowing when we started out, that it wouldn’t stand a chance of lasting forever. I wouldn’t survive him leaving me again.

  So, I needed to leave him first.

  Hearing a sudden noise outside in the otherwise empty courtyard made my head turn. I could hear the crunch of the snow under the wheels of a vehicle and as that vehicle slowly came closer to the doorway, I could now see what I already knew. It was Raff’s car.

  I knew my time had run out. I’d obviously taken too long and he had given up waiting for me.

  ‘Fuck no.’ I knew that Toby had followed my gaze out of the arched windows and into the courtyard. ‘It was him. It had to be him, didn’t it?’ Toby spoke again. I didn’t answer the question because I knew he already knew the answer.

  In the couple of minutes it took for Raff to park, get out of the car and arrive on the doorstep of the tearoom, I thought over what a crazy, ridiculous mess my life had become. My future as I saw it, seemed to have three paths and I had this ridiculously tiny amount of time to choose one of them.

  I could be by myself, which I knew Raff would never accept.

  I could have an arrangement sort of marriage with Toby and hopefully children.

  Or I could marry the only man I’d ever loved and have everything I’d ever dreamt about, until I became ill enough that he would walk away, like history had proven twice before.

  I knew all three of my options would hurt me at some point, but I knew without a doubt which one would break me in two.

  I had to avoid it all costs.

  I had to avoid Raff at all costs.

  To compose myself for what I needed to do next, I made myself look away from the man I would love forever.

  The sound of the deep timbre of Raff’s voice hit me as he swung open the door, along with a blast of freezing air.

  ‘Lauren… and you must be Toby.’ He spoke my name questioningly and I could already imagine the look on his face as he spoke.

  I shivered slightly.

  I turned to look at him and braced myself for my body’s reaction to his presence. I tried hard to keep myself in check, but it wasn’t easy. The man could fill a room with his quiet commanding authority.

  Don’t react to him. Just don’t.

  I heard Toby fidgeting behind me and could imagine him standing himself up to his full height and pulling in his slight paunch as he took in the same sight I was. Raff was making his way further into the tearoom only wearing dirty jeans, filthy boots and a thick, green cable jumper. His hair was damp from the once again lightly falling snow outside, and falling down messily in front of what I knew would be questioning, mercurial grey, swirling eyes. Against Toby’s always immaculately put together appearance and his designer labelled clothes he should have come of worst, but I knew that we both knew he didn’t.

  ‘It had to be you.’ I heard Toby’s accusation and closed my eyes briefly to the situation that I knew was about to unfold itself.

  ‘It’s always been me,’ Raff replied. ‘Lauren is mine. She’s always been mine. You had your chance and like a complete fucking prat, you didn’t take it. Take it from me, it’s always going to be me.’

  ‘You’re not welcome here, I think you should leave,’ Toby vindictively spat out. Raff lifted one finger to his lips effectively signalling that Toby should shut up. My heartbeat accelerated at the intense atmosphere in the room. I could sense the testosterone and the subsequent pissing contest between them.

  Rafferty lifted his arm up to me, as he continued to stare at Toby. I knew what he wanted, what he was expecting. Ninety-nine per cent of my body wanted to comply to his unspoken request. But, I made my feet stay still and I saw him raise one eyebrow at me and then twist his head in question. He lowered his arm when I still didn’t move towards him. I wanted so much to feel his arm around me and to stand in solidarity against Toby, but after what Flint had told me this morning, I couldn’t. It seemed that I would never understand men and as much as I dreamed of love and having a happy ever after, it wasn’t written in the stars for me.

  ‘What’s going on, Loz?’ Raff questioned me after taking in my reaction.

  Movement came from behind me as Toby took in my response to Raff and he realised he now had his moment.

  ‘She’s about to agree to marry me aren’t you, Lauren?’

  Toby fell to one knee and offered me up a small square box. I didn’t say another word but opened the box and without even looking at the ring inside, I placed it wordlessly onto my own finger, signalling the start of our arrangement.

  Completely motionless I watched as Lauren slid his ring onto her finger. Confusion and anger seeped into every cell of my body and my eyes narrowed as I took in the sight of them both. He was on one fucking knee and they were both positioned in front of an open fire. I flicked my eyes up quickly and just as I knew it would be there, I saw the mistletoe hanging above them.

  Had she played me?

  Quickly, my brain thought back to the last few days and especially to yesterday and last night. There was no way she could fake how we’d been together. I’d spent enough years with Ashley to know exactly how fake felt.

  My heart beat faster and adrenalin flooded my system. Several times I felt myself blink, obviously thinking I could clear the picture I was watching, from my sight. But nothing worked. Thankfully he wasn’t touching any part of the woman that was mine, otherwise I knew I wouldn’t be standing still.

  So, like the man my step-father had always wanted me to grow up to be, I held in the cry of pain my body so desperately wanted to release and swallowed it down deep, to sink with all the other heartache I’d forced down inside me.

  ‘What the fuck is going on, Lauren?’ My throat sounded hoarse with the emotion trapped inside it.

  When she didn’t reply, I moved nearer to where they both stood, wanting her to remember I was still in
the room. But I refused to look at his ring of ownership on her finger.

  I was too fucking angry.

  I was convinced it meant nothing.

  So, what the fuck was she playing at?

  When she still refused to look in my direction and I saw the faint glimmer of a grin on his lips, I was suddenly aware that I was no longer standing still.

  It wasn’t until I’d got his perfectly placed blue shirt and his dogs-tooth check suit jacket in both of my fists, I knew I’d now got hold of him. I was walking forward quickly with increasingly longer strides and his feet were stuttering around underneath him as he attempted to keep himself going backwards and upright against my sudden attack. With my face no more than a couple of inches from his face, I watched his expression change from grinning to shock and then from shock to terror. His hands came up to mine to try to tear them away from his clothing, but my grip was stronger, fuelled by my anger.

  I kept moving forward, forcing the bastard to keep up with my momentum. His face changed colour, turning puce as his blood pressure rose in his panic.

  I heard chairs and tables scrape across the floor in our wake and then bang onto the tiles as they were sent flying in all directions. Metal joined in the cacophony of noise as the already laid place settings were disturbed and sent clattering to the floor.

  I heard Lauren shout out my name, trying to get me to let her fiancé go.

  Her voice should have brought me to, it should have damped down the fire in my blood, but instead all I could picture was her putting his fucking ring on her finger where mine was meant to fucking be and the only coherent thoughts that travelled around my body were of absolute fury.

  Finally, we came to a halt as his arse met an old walnut sideboard next to a decorative fireplace. I put more strength into my hold and pushed him backwards knowing how uncomfortable the position would make him as his spine curve the wrong way. I didn’t stop pushing until the back of his head smacked onto the bare brick wall. A small sense of satisfaction crept through me as I watched him recoil in pain.

  ‘RAFFERTY, ENOUGH. PLEASE… Please stop.’ Finally, Lauren shouting my name crept through to me. Then I heard the emotion in the words she used as she pleaded with me to let him go.

  Blinking a couple of times as the red mist began to clear, I looked down at the man trapped beneath my strength and anger. He was taking small breaths as his body reacted to his panic. His hands were flailing around slapping mine as he attempted to tear my hold off his clothing. His eyes were open wide in fear, his skin was a reddish purple and was now covered by a light sheen of sweat.

  Then I turned to look at someone far more important. As my head twisted to look over my shoulder, I could see the woman I loved with tears rolling down her face. Her hand was over her heart as she tried to protect herself from me. It was her body language that felt like a knife to my back. I’d never in my life set out to hurt her, but every fucking time she seemed to get caught in my wake. Then my eyes fell to the path of devastation I created in her beloved Fairy Garden.

  Enough.

  The material I was holding began to groan in protest as its fibres strained against my skin and I began to slowly loosen my hold on the bastard’s clothes. I stepped back and pulled him to stand upright. Sarcastically, I patted the front of his clothing down as I attempted to straighten him out.

  Flustered, he looked down at my patting, condescending hand and then back up at me as the purple drained from his face and he tried to regain his equilibrium.

  ‘You’re a bloody maniac.’

  I heard him speak, but made no response. Instead, I turned on my heels, pushed my hair out of my eyes and looked back at the woman I loved. She may have only been twenty feet away but the distance and pain in her eyes as she stood and stared back at me told me that she had moved far out of my reach.

  ‘I don’t understand, Lauren.’

  I started to walk back towards her, picking up chairs and doing my best to right the tables that I’d forced out of the way in my anger.

  As she watched me walking towards her, I saw her pull herself up taller and I knew whatever she was going to say wasn’t going to be anything I wanted to hear.

  The pain I’d been keeping in check, forced itself to the surface. I knew that right at that moment I would do anything to persuade her to stay with me. I tore my eyes away from hers and bent down to pick up some of the knives and forks my actions had spilt to the floor.

  ‘Just leave them, Raff… please leave them and go.’

  On autopilot, I sank to my knees, looked back up at her and opening my arms up wide I began to question her.

  ‘What do I need to do, Loz?’

  She shook her head as more tears cascaded down her face and she sobbed a wordless no.

  ‘I’m on my knees here, tell me what I need to say. Tell me what I can do. I’m begging you.’

  I didn’t care that we had a fucking interloper in the room and I couldn’t have given a shit that she was wearing his ring. She was mine, I just had to make her see that.

  ‘It’s over, Raff. We don’t know each other anymore, in fact I’m not sure we ever did. We can’t keep clinging to the past.’

  ‘Like fuck it is. You know me like no one else does, not anyone, Loz. Something has happened here today. I don’t know what the hell happened between me leaving here this morning and now, but mark my words, I will find out.’

  Anger took over her beautiful features, her freckles began to disappear and her eyes ignited with fury.

  ‘Fool me once, Rafferty, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’

  Silence enveloped the tearoom as I stared back at her. I hadn’t a fucking clue what she was talking about. Slowly, I stood back up to my feet and dumped the silverware I’d picked up onto the nearest table with a loud, deliberate crash.

  I closed the small gap between us until she was merely inches from me. With my arms down straight by my side and my hands clenching into fists, I breathed her in and willed myself to calm down.

  I lifted my hand slowly and lifting a long, thick wave of her chestnut hair, I put it behind her shoulder. The knife of pain twisted slowly in my heart as she turned her head. She shied away from my touch and exposed more of her neck towards me. I rocked back onto the heels of my boots as I attempted to turn away from her and to leave like she’d asked, to save myself. But, the glint of a fine silver chain caught my eye.

  No, it can’t be?

  She wouldn’t have kept it after all these years, would she?

  I knew she didn’t want my hands on her, but before I walked away I needed to know.

  I lifted my hand up slowly to the side of her neck. Her head righted itself and from the corner of her eye she watched my slow movement. She appeared to be unable to move away, so she prepared herself for my touch. Her breathing stuttered and I deliberately slowed my finger down, so I could appreciate the connection between the two of us.

  Her lips parted slightly as she unconsciously welcomed me home and I knew without even hooking my finger on the chain, it held exactly what I thought.

  Finally, the nail I kept deliberately long to play the guitar, picked up the chain and lifted it away from her body. I ran my nail slowly towards the front of her body, pulling the chain up from out of her sweatshirt. At last the half heart flicked out of the top of the round neck. I took it between my thumb and forefinger and rubbed the tip of my finger over the one word that was written there.

  Always.

  A sob left her then, effectively breaking the spell that had surrounded us for a few too short minutes.

  I dipped my head and with my mouth close to her ear, I whispered, ‘And forever, Lauren.’

  I forced myself to release the chain I was holding and watched it gently fall back down in place. I took her face in my hands and made her look up at me as I ran my thumbs over her cheekbones.

  ‘No… we’re not forever. Not anymore. It was a stupid dream, a childish, rose-tinted dream. We no longer know each other. You se
em to have a habit of discarding people, when you no longer have a use for them. Well not me… never again me. I can’t let you.’ She tried to twist her face out of my hold, but I held her firmly, not wanting to hurt her, but needing to see her beautiful face as she spoke the words I didn’t want to hear. ‘We’re over,’ she finally whispered. Her face contorted slightly, almost as though just allowing the words to cross over her lips, gave her pain. Her eyes filled with tears, but biting on her lower lip she forced them to stay put. Effectively, telling me what I already knew, I wasn’t worth her tears.

  Her hands came up and flicking up the back of hair she released the clasp on the silver chain. I knew what she was doing but refused to release my hold on her face. I refused to empty my hands, then she couldn’t give me the chain.

  ‘Don’t do it, Loz. You’re mine, no one else’s.’ I shook my head at her. ‘This isn’t over. You can try to hide how you feel but I can see it in your eyes,’ I whispered down to her and then placed a kiss to her forehead. ‘Remember what I said when we were together. I gave you a choice. If you let me in, you were mine and I was never, ever letting you go. Whatever has happened here today, won’t keep me away. The words you’ve spoken, won’t keep me away. Giving me back the chain you’ve kept for years won’t change anything between us. Those two words are engraved on our hearts and nothing can erase that.’

  Lifting her right hand up, she gently peeled my left hand away from her face and with her eyes still full of the tears she refused to cry for us, she placed the still warm chain in my hand and wrapped my fingers over it.

  The pain in my chest expanded and I gulped several times to clear the emotion trapped in my throat. My grip tightened on the precious chain in my hand, until my knuckles started to turn white. My teeth were clamped together so hard in my mouth I could now taste the unmistakable metallic tang of blood.

  ‘I told you that you weren’t welcome here, you need to leave.’ The fucking bastard I had managed to ignore until now interrupted the moment and I knew right at that minute I could have killed him with my own bare hands.