‘Give it time, Lauren. All things come to pass in time,’ Winter whispered to me as she held me close.
I mulled over her words, thinking they were the truest thing I had heard in a while.
Five weeks later
I was ensnared.
My life had fast become likened to an old-fashioned record, with its needle stuck. I was still whirring, still producing the noise I needed to, in order that people knew I was still operating, but the track of my life felt like it had run its course and I couldn’t see how to start it again from the beginning.
The weeks between Christmas and the end of January were strange. I was in the clutches of the weird twilight zone that becomes the dull of winter after Christmas. It had left me not even knowing what day of the week it was. I went to work when it was dark and gloomy and when I came out of the tearooms late in the afternoon it was once again dark. The forecasted month of snow stopped just as the weathermen had predicted it would and the roads were at last completely passable. But, the deep covering of snow in the fields meant that the countryside around us was still picturesque and peaceful, which was more than I could say for my mind.
I had to be honest with myself, I was in limbo because my heart was broken again. The pain of losing him again was too much to bear. Every day felt like an eternity as I outwardly got on with my life, but inwardly I was beginning to mentally fall apart, as daily I argued, twisted and tried to sort through the various scenarios in my head.
Maybe I should talk to him?
Let him go, he doesn’t deserve you.
Perhaps there was a valid reason for his actions?
You can live without him, you’ve proven it before.
My life felt like it was running on automatic. I was existing but not living and it didn’t matter what excuse I came up with in my head to warrant the way I was acting, I knew it couldn’t last much longer. I didn’t feel brilliant, I was tired and grumpy and felt sure I was fighting off some sort of virus. But, instead of having a day or two off sick, I worked every day we opened, because in my head, I knew I had to make sure that when I went upstairs to my flat at night, I was completely exhausted.
Amy was away training for her new job, Winter was busy preparing for her new position and these things gave me the perfect excuse to lock myself away with only my head and heart for company.
It was painfully and slowly killing me.
But, the first week of February at last saw some change.
With our busy period being now well and truly over and knowing that the spring cleaning in The Fairy Garden was done, I decided to take the week off and although I was dreading it, I had a monthly doctor’s appointment to make and I also knew I needed to rest.
I spent the first two days of my week off with Winter. I think the term she used was, we both required some much needed retail therapy. The term I would have used was, we both needed an escape. I was happy to be with her, but my heart wasn’t in it. I had however, put on make-up for the first time in forever and had willingly trailed around behind her as she tried on everything that even remotely caught her eye. She either shopped like a mad woman or found herself several men to warm her bed, when she was trying to ignore something else in her life.
I was thankful that this time she was only shopping.
The second day she had booked us both in for a Spa day. We had every treatment known to man in the space of eight hours and I tried so very hard to relax, but it was useless. We had been friends for so long, we had got through Raff leaving us both before and then the heartbreak of me having to come home. But, this time it was different. There was a wedge between us. She was trying so hard to be my friend, but I knew without a doubt she was struggling being stuck in the middle of me and her brother. It appeared that even spending time with her wasn’t enough to give me the peace I needed.
On the Wednesday, I woke up to find that a handwritten letter had been posted through my door. The letter was from Toby who I hadn’t seen, much to my relief, since our farcical engagement just before Christmas. His mum was now at home after having been admitted to hospital suffering with complications that arose from the flu. Initially he’d stayed away from me because he was busy looking after her, but he wrote what I had been desperately hoping he might realise. Our time apart had given him the time to see that we weren’t suited to be together and he asked to be released from our engagement and that I return his ring ASAP. He wished me well and hoped he hadn’t broken my heart, then the letter had been ended with how Lucy his assistant had been a great help to him when his mum was ill and he was going to ask her to marry him just as soon as the ring was once again in his hands.
I’d gone through various emotions as I’d read his words, liberation was the first, quickly followed by the overwhelming relief that I wasn’t going to have yet another conversation with him about why I didn’t want to be with him. Then I’d spat out my cornflakes and laughed until tears ran down my face when he wrote about needing the ring back ASAP to get engaged again. My hysterical laughter soon turned into sobs and I felt guilty because I knew those sobs weren’t for Toby and I, but once again for me losing Raff.
As soon as I could pull myself together, I pulled on some leggings, an oversized hoodie and some Hunters. I’d dropped his ring into an envelope and had driven as fast as I could. Without interacting with anyone in the village, I’d put the envelope through his letterbox that same morning. As the brass metal snapped its pseudo jaws shut around its prize, I turned and rushed back to my car, grateful that I could at last close that chapter of my life.
I knew I was supposed to be off and relaxing, but after the two days with Winter and today with only my own morose company to contend with, I’d had enough. Even watching my favourite films tucked up on the settee for the rest of the morning, with a pot of ice cream, didn’t help.
I had to face it, I couldn’t stand my own company anymore, so I relented and went down to the tearooms.
After wandering around the quiet tearoom for twenty minutes looking for something to occupy me, I quickly realised that Debbie and Kirsty, my full-time staff, had the place completely and annoyingly all in hand. I stood in the middle, warming myself by the log burner and absentmindedly turned around in a circle. I was looking at the various places in the tearooms that Raff had sat. I could see him sitting there watching me, waiting for me to come to my senses. I looked down at the table I was nearest to and stepping towards it, I tidied up the place settings that needed no tidying and sighed loudly. Then I lifted my head as I held on tightly to the back of the chair I was stood behind and managed to catch myself in the Baroque mirror over the fireplace. For the first time in weeks, I took in how I really looked, not just the pale, sad creature on the outside, but the broken shell of the woman on the inside, and I realised that enough was enough.
No more.
I couldn’t put off what needed doing anymore.
‘You’re both doing a great job,’ I called out to Debbie and Kirsty as I pulled my gaze away from my reflection in the mirror and started to move. I turned and watched as they looked at each other knowingly and then back to me. ‘But, then you knew that without me telling you.’ I smiled at them both and walked nearer to them.
‘I’m not sure what you came down here for in the first place,’ Kirsty retorted and offered me a small smile.
‘I’d say she misses someone. I mean even I miss him being in here every day… but it must be worse once you’ve actually had those lips on yours,’ Debbie answered her.
‘I do miss him and yes it’s much worse.’ I heard the words I spoke and took a few seconds for them to wash over me.
So, what are you going to do about it?
With that thought in my head and Winter’s words about us both needing to start asking questions to get to the truth, I turned suddenly and moving quickly towards the arched front doors I grabbed my coat down from a hook.
‘Good luck,’ they both called out as if they could read my mind, then the door closed wit
h a bang behind me.
I walked a few steps, feeling the gravel crunch under my feet and then jumped into my red Mini Cooper. Switching on the engine I paused for a moment before I pulled away, enjoying the feeling that my body was finally beginning to settle as it understood that I was going to do something proactive at last. I pulled out of the courtyard and under the archway, followed the single lane track. I came to the T-junction that separated the main road from The Manor’s driveway and I glanced in The Manor’s direction for a second, before I swung the car left.
Stop it! He isn’t even there.
I knew he wasn’t, but I hadn’t been able to help myself. All of Default Distraction had flown back to America a few days after New Year and for one reason or another they were still in the U.S. After Christmas, I’d taken the Google alert off Raff and the rest of the band, so I hadn’t seen any pictures or read anything about them. But, I’d been told by Winter that they were attending some music awards gala, then had given several interviews to the tabloids and TV stations. They’d stayed longer than they first thought because they had family stuff to attend to and the Vegas hotel to sort out. Although I knew that was why I was no longer seeing him almost daily sitting in The Fairy Garden, not seeing him these past few weeks waiting patiently for me to listen to him was eating away at me.
I drove quickly around the narrow lanes, enjoying the rush of adrenalin that was running through me as I accepted what I needed to do to move forward. But, even as the adrenalin lit me up with hope, the tiny feathers of nervousness moved around my stomach as I contemplated that I might not get the answers I wanted to hear.
I finally reached the village of Falham where we had all been brought up and where Nan’s shop had been before it had quickly sold two weeks ago to a property developer. I slowed the car in accordance with the speed limit for the village, and looked at her old place as I went past it.
Nothing had changed there yet. I knew it would soon and I took in the view of the old Victorian frontage, feeling a sense of comfort from looking at it and reliving some of the happy times we’d all spent in there.
I needed to see Nan and now I’d made the decision I couldn’t get there quick enough.
I could only hope she was with me today and I was able to get her to answer a question for me. It was only one question, but where I went to next was dependant on her answer.
The avoider in me was slowly awakening. I was beginning to face up to what I’d known all along. If I wanted any sort of a future, with or without him, I had to start asking some questions. I needed to piece together the jigsaw and hopefully then that would give me the peace of mind that comes from knowing the truth.
I knew that discovering the answers might in their own way cause me pain, but nothing could be worse than what I’d lived through for the last seventeen years.
As I walked down the corridor that led to Nan’s room in the home, I could hear her voice, she was singing to one of her old records. I was eager to see her and to talk to her, but I forced my feet to slow to a standstill. I wanted to appreciate the happiness in her voice as she sang to one of her favourite songs. Finally, I pushed open the door a little, as well as listening to her sing I knew she’d be dancing and I wanted to watch her.
As the door opened a few inches I peeked around the white, glossed wood to see her waltzing around by herself, to I won’t forget you – Jim Reeves.
Nan looked up the moment the door moved and smiled a welcome to me to come in, not once did she miss a word she was singing or a step in her waltz. I moved over the threshold and pushed the door closed behind me. She opened her arms and gestured that I should walk into her hold and join her. I dropped my coat and did as she asked, remembering another time when as kids we’d taken it in turns standing on her feet as she waltzed us around the living room above the shop to this exact song.
Times had changed, I was a few inches taller than her now, but I followed her lead and embraced the times passed. She sung the words to me holding me close to her and I held myself in check thinking how poignant they were. She sung about forgetting many things, but she would never forget her only love. I refused to cry, I so wanted to with everything that was going on. But, I wanted her to sing the words and to feel happy, this song and this dance wasn’t about me. It was about her and her memories, her happy memories with Grandad that were fading fast.
After letting the record play twice more, she released me, switched off her record player and collapsed back into her high backed, winged armchair. Taking her embroidered hankie from her cardigan pocket she dabbed at her face.
‘You’re a beautiful dancer, Lauren. Thanks for the twirl.’ She looked up at me smiling.
‘You’re the dancer, Nan. I just followed your feet like the old days.’ I smiled my answer over to her and watched her eyes twinkle as she remembered something.
‘Oh, yes,’ she whispered as she grinned back. ‘I’m not a collector of things, you know, Lauren. But, I am a collector of wonderful memories and although I can no longer still see many of them up here.’ Her arm came up as she pointed at her temple. ‘I will always feel them in here.’ The same hand came down and she held it over her heart. ‘In here, I will feel my memories until the last breath leaves my body.’
I leant nearer to her to place my hand on hers over her heart and cleared my throat, trying to swallow down the emotion that was building up inside me and sitting down on the footstool next to her chair, I reached over to take her other soft hand in mine.
Gripping my hand a little tighter, she jerked my arm towards her.
‘So, what’s going on?
‘Oh, you know.’
I felt the moment she snapped to attention and I knew she was with me. It always seemed weird that even as the dementia came and went, the moment we really needed her she knew. Somehow, she managed to get the disease to recede for a short while so she could help us.
She reached over to take my other hand in hers. Her thumb absentmindedly ran over the small mark Toby’s ring, which had been too tight for me, had left on my ring finger.
‘Well, this is new.’
‘Mmmm,’ was all I could reply.
‘What was on there?’
‘A ring, but it’s gone now,’ I answered her question
‘It wasn’t from Rafferty…’ she stated.
‘No, it’s wasn’t, but how did you know that?’
‘He would have told me.’
I raised my eyebrows at her as I thought hard how to answer her. My heart sank as I appreciated that she might not be able to answer my question after all. I wasn’t sure now whether her memories were intact and what year she even thought it was.
‘Would he?’ I replied. The trepidation inside me made my voice sound a little unsteady.
‘Yes, he was only here the other day… I can’t remember which day, because I’ve probably slept since then.’ I could hear the subtle change in her voice as she panicked slightly at the fact she couldn’t remember what she wanted to and then as she gave me the answer she always used as her get out clause.
‘He was?’ I questioned.
‘Yes, he was telling me all about the old place he’s doing up, can’t remember its name. It’s on the tip of my tongue.’
‘Falham Manor.’
‘Yes, that’s it… He’s doing up Falham Manor?’ she suddenly questioned as she remembered the old place.
‘He is, well him and the rest of his band… So, he told you about Falham Manor?’ Hope swept through me as I tried to place her on the track I needed her to be on.
‘Yes, that’s what I just said, didn’t I?’ she quickly answered me, in her “I’m not stupid” voice.
‘What else did he say?’ I knew I was pushing my luck and her for that matter, but I needed to know. I hoped that asking her the question, wouldn’t cause her too much stress as she tried to remember.
‘Oh, this and that… He’s having trouble with his son.’
‘Flint? Is he? Did he say why?’
&n
bsp; ‘Not that I remember. Now stop asking me questions, Lauren. Who’s ring were you wearing and why aren’t you wearing it now?’
‘It was Toby’s ring.’
I saw a look of puzzlement spread over her face. She had met him a couple of times. I’d known that she wouldn’t remember him, because every time she met him her nose had wrinkled up in distaste and let’s face it she couldn’t remember things she used to love, so why would she bother with someone she didn’t even like.
‘Oh, him,’ she replied. I knew by her reply that she couldn’t put a face to the name but was pretending she could.
‘I’ve broken it off.’
‘Good.’ It was refreshing that my nan always said exactly what she thought, but she snapped the word out so quickly, she took me aback. ‘Because you still love Rafferty, don’t you?’
‘I’ve always loved him, Nan.’
‘I know you have.’ She held my hand a little tighter as she acknowledged what I was saying.
‘When I went out to Vegas to be with him, you booked my flight for me, do you remember?’ I hesitantly asked.
‘I did, I got into so much trouble with your parents for that?’ She laughed a little as she reminisced.
‘Sorry, Nan.’ I’d apologised before, but felt it was necessary to do so again.
She waved her hand at me, telling me to forget it.
‘I’d do it all over again for you, Lauren.’ She moved towards me and stroked my cheek with her fingers. ‘I always felt that you two were meant to be.’
‘I only just about had enough money to pay for that flight, didn’t I?’ I prompted.
‘Yes, my love. All that hard-earned babysitting money, and I had to put a little to it as well to cover it.’
‘I didn’t realise…’ My voice trailed off, before I asked her the final question. ‘Do you remember if the flight had travel insurance with it?’
‘No…’
My heart sank. I knew I was asking too much and that the answer I needed was too insignificant in her life for her to have filed away.
Rafferty (Default Distraction Book 2) Page 26