by V Vee
On fucking Christmas Eve.
And believe me, I know the irony about me complaining about their profanity only to call them “fucking animals”, but there’s a big difference. I said mine internally. I wanted to stick out my tongue at my conscience for trying to make me feel guilty. I was not the one who should be feeling bad right then. No. I was the innocent party. Right there along with the girls. Holly and Noelle who still foolishly believed that their father hung the stars, moon, and sun, just for them. I’d been just as… awed by the changes Logan had gone through since being in the military.
Which was why the disappointment I felt finding out he was still exactly the same hurt so much.
I slammed around the pots and pans in the kitchen, trying to figure out what meal I could make that would be the most gratifying to my current murderous mood. Maybe crushed steak? Or pulverized meatloaf?
Or bloody chicken?
Just as I was about to slam another pot on top of the stove the opening strains of Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee” © began to play.
I turned around the moment I heard Logan’s smooth baritone voice singing.
“Darling, I… I can’t explain… where did we lose our way?”
Fuck. I’d always loved his voice.
“If you come back to me… I’ll guarantee… I’ll never let you go.”
I wanted to be so angry with him, but he stood in the middle of my living room, wearing a pair of silk pajama bottoms, with the silk pajama top unbuttoned, and a fan blowing the shirt. Just as if he were in a R&B music video. I would have laughed, if he weren’t being so earnest in his apology and begging.
I loved a man who could beg like an R&B singer.
“Oh God give me a reason… I’m down on bended knees.”
Logan got down on a knee and liquid rolled down my neck. I reached up to wipe it away, glancing up at the ceiling to see what was leaking. Finding nothing, I touched my cheek. I found more wetness and then it dawned on me.
I was crying.
Logan had me so in my feelings I was crying over him singing along to an old R&B classic.
“So many nights when I dreamed of you… holding my pillow tight…”
At that, Logan pulled out a box from beneath my couch and I frowned. Where had that come from? It wasn’t mine. It looked battered. Bruised. Worn. As if it had been moved from one place to another dozens of times.
As if it had endured a war.
When Logan handed me the box, with the top falling off it, the edges frayed, I wanted to shove it back into his hands. I had a feeling that whatever was in that box was going to take away my reasoning for being angry with him.
I needed my anger. Needed to hold onto my rage. My disappointment. My hurt.
Because the minute I let them go, I’d only be left with one emotion when it came to Logan.
Love.
And I just wasn’t sure if I were ready to love him again.
Not truly.
“When I opened up my eyes… to face reality… every moment without you… it feels like an eternity…”
I glanced up into Logan’s face as he reached out a hand and caressed my cheek. The moment I did, I gasped. My own hurt and pain were reflected in his gaze. My own disappointment. My own anger at where our own choices and decisions had brought us.
I realized then that while Logan had been keeping secrets from me. Secrets that had inadvertently put me and our girls in danger, I had also kept secrets that put us in danger. A part of me had always known that if I told Logan about the twins he would return. He would even give up the military for them—for us—if I’d really asked. But I hadn’t wanted to ask. On the off chance he said no and chose the military over me and the girls.
It was foolish. It was stupid. And it had hurt so many people.
“I’m begging you, begging you… come back to me…”
Well the answer to that was pretty simple. So, I raised my face and lifted my lips to kiss the man who’d always loved me more than anyone else on Earth. The man who’d risked life and limb to return to me. The man who’d accepted his daughters with no hesitation and loved them so much it made me cry.
I stopped running. I stopped being afraid, and I accepted the love, the passion, and the promises he gave me.
Logan Steele
2019
Christmas Eve
I was so glad I’d listened to Kynan. Parker was upset and I had to do something big to get her to forgive me. While I didn’t think I needed to ask forgiveness for fighting some asshole fuckwad who thought to push up on my woman the night before, according to Kynan and Ava, Parker wasn’t like the other women I’d encountered in my life. The Marines had given me amnesia when it came to Parker. She wasn’t necessarily innocent, but she still tried to see the positive in the world. Even when it dealt her a bad hand. Which meant that she was not a woman who would be impressed with me strolling around the day after a fight figuring out how to get revenge.
No. My woman would want me to be thankful I hadn’t been arrested and spend time with her wrapping presents and making Christmas dinner.
They were things I hadn’t done in years.
And things I was desperate to do again.
As we kissed, I remembered the year before when I’d known it was time for me to come home. Time for me to temporarily say goodbye to the Marines and go home to reclaim my woman. It was the best decision I’d ever made, and subsequently the hardest thing I’d ever done.
I wouldn’t regret it.
Logan Steele
2018
“Hey Steele! You staying around with these fucking rag heads again for another Christmas?” one of the privates yelled out, no doubt trying to impress his buddies by trying to rile up someone who outranked him. I knew what everyone thought. I was one of the few who didn’t take my furlough and go home to family and friends. That was because I knew if I went home and saw Parker. Held her in my arms again. Kissed her lips. Squeezed that ass once more?
I wouldn’t be returning.
I’d go AWOL with a goddamn smile on my face.
I loved being in the Marines, but I hated being away from my woman.
“Watch your fucking mouth,” I said as I slammed the newbies head down on the table. “Be glad you’re in the goddamn Marines,” I growled low, next to his ear. “You could have been in the fucking Air Force, cumstain.”
And with that I turned to walk away.
I marched away from the chow tent, my angry footsteps kicking up sand as I stomped aimlessly.
“Dude, you need to get laid,” Kynan said with a chuckle, where he lay with his head resting against his rucksack, cover laying low over his eyes.
I grunted. “I just slept with that Pakistani woman the other night,” I pointed out.
Kynan scoffed and flipped up his middle finger. “No man. You need real pussy. You need to take yourself home and fuck your woman. Let her remind you why you’re fucking over here. Why you’re serving. Why you’re fighting. Let her make you goddamn human again. You’ve gone beyond animal to being a fucking monster. And growing up with my older brother, father, and uncles, trust me when I say I know monsters.”
He stood up and walked towards me until he stopped directly in front of me. He pointed at me.
“You know what you need for Christmas this year? You need some goddamn joy. Some cheer. Some happiness. Some fucking hope.” He smirked. “And you need some snatch-the-soul-out-of-your-chest pussy.” He shook his head. “And you ain’t going to get none of that here.”
And when Kynan walked away, returning to his previous position of lounging with his head on his sack, I contemplated his words.
And made sure it was the last Christmas I spent alone.
Logan Steele
2019
I stared at Parker, her yes bright with unshed tears as I finished speaking.
“That’s why you came home?” she asked me.
I nodded. “I’m not me without you,” I told her. “I didn’t know w
ho I was becoming. I didn’t like who I was. It wasn’t just because I missed you, Park. I missed me. I missed being able to breathe. I missed being able to walk without feeling as if every step caused me immeasurable pain. And I was in pain because I was without you.”
I tugged her closer to me. “I made a wish on a star last Christmas. I wished that I would be able to find you. That I would be able to come home to you. And that this time? When I left, I’d have you with me.”
I turned my head to glance down the hallway where our daughters were sleeping.
“I’d have you all with me.”
Parker sniffled.
“Oh, Logan.”
But I didn’t let her speak any more. Instead, I took her lips with my own in a deep, hungry kiss.
Parker Leon
2018
I stared at my daughters where they slept in bed and felt sadness curdling in my belly like rancid milk. I turned away, my hand against my mouth as I struggled not to cry. I walked quickly out of the room and out the back door. I stared up at the night sky and searched for the brightest star.
“I don’t know if I actually believe in you, or in Santa more, but whichever one of you is listening. I miss him.” I shook my head. “I think I will always miss him. And for as long as I miss him, I will have to deal with this ache in my chest. And it’s making it so that I can’t breathe.”
“I need to be able to breathe. I have kids to raise.”
I wiped my tears from my cheeks and blew out a breath.
“So what do I want for Christmas? I want the pain to stop. However you have to do it. Just make it go away.”
Logan Steele
2019
Christmas Eve
“Looks like they did,” I told her after Parker shared the details of her previous Christmas with me.
She chuckled softly. “I guess they did.”
“I love you Park.”
“I love you, Lo.”
Looking over at the clock, I tugged her naked, still sweaty body closer to me in the bed and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
Chapter Eleven
Christmas Day Promises
Parker Leon
2019
Christmas Day
I was used to Noelle and Holly running into the room and screaming with excitement and happiness, Logan and the rest of his friends were not.
So the deep, profanity laced bellows that filled the air as my girls ran from room to room waking everyone up with exclamations that “It’s Christmas! Time to wake up!” were forgiven.
Hell, I’d done it the first year they’d done it to me as well.
I laughed and rolled away from Logan, grabbing my robe and pulling it over my naked body. I placed a kiss on his grumpy face and went to the bathroom to handle my morning ablutions. When I’d finished with that, I allowed Noelle and Holly to take my hands and tug me into the living room where the Christmas tree that Logan and Kynan had remembered to buy, stood proudly in the corner of the room.
I blinked in surprise, knowing that there had not been that many presents beneath our fake Douglas fir when Logan and I had escaped to the bedroom the night before after making up.
“We… uh… we might have kind of bought some presents for the girls,” Kynan confessed scratching at the back of his head sheepishly.
My heart squeezed as I looked around the room at all of the tough, widely muscled, stern—gorgeous—Marines who filled my room and had come to protect me and my daughters, all because Logan told them he needed help and felt joy and happiness fill my heart.
I’d felt so lonely and broken-hearted since the death of my parents. Since Logan had left.
Since I realized that even with my friends, it was me and my girls against the world.
But that wasn’t the way it was anymore. Logan had returned and he’d brought his own family with him. And I knew without asking that each and every man in that room would go to hell and back to protect Holly, Noelle, and I from every single danger out there in the world.
Just the way a family did.
“It’s okay,” I said, patting Kynan’s shoulder. “You were all just being good uncles.” I sniffled and gave them all a bright smile.
“We have unca’s?” Holly asked softly where she sat in front of a very large pile of presents that had all been addressed to her.
“That’s right my little angel,” Logan said with a big grin. “All of these men here are your uncles.” He gestured around the room, pausing at me for a moment and tossing me a wink. “And they’re always going to be here for you. Just like me and Mommy.”
“Pwomise?” Noelle asked.
Logan cleared his throat and nodded. I knew then that no matter my own fears, Logan loved our daughters just as much as I did. I felt a little guilty that they’d been kept apart for so long, but I also believed that things happened when they were supposed to. He may not have been ready before, but Logan Steele the man I loved, my Marine, was ready now.
“I promise,” he replied, placing a gentle kiss on both girls’ foreheads.
“Come on! Let’s open presents!” Luca said with a hearty laugh that seemed oddly out of place coming from his stacked, muscled frame.
“Yay! Pwesents!”
I clutched the cup of hot cocoa one of the Marines had handed me and watched my daughters with adoration, warmth, and love filling me, only to come up short when Logan stood in front of me, appearing almost out of thin air, with a wrapped present in his hand.
A small, tiny, blue velvet box with a red ribbon wrapped around it.
Small enough to hold a ring in it.
Holy. Shit.
Logan Steele
2019
Christmas Day
I watched Parker’s face carefully as she stared at the box before taking it in her hands. I switched out her mug of cocoa for the ring box, handing the mug off to Kynan who stood by my side. Just like always.
As Parker focused on unwrapping the ribbon from the box, I dropped down to one knee.
I raised my eyes up to Parker’s the moment she gasped. I took her left hand in both of mine and placed a gentle kiss on the backs of her fingers.
“You made me the man I am today Parker. Once I thought it was the Marines. I thought I would only be a man of substance, of worth, only deserving of you if I went out into the world and made something of myself.” I shook my head at my own foolishness. “I thought the only way you could ever truly love someone like me was if I had something to offer you, because you’d given me so much.”
I shook my head when she opened her mouth to no doubt refute my statement. “But I know now that was my own insecurity putting those thoughts in my head. I was a man of substance, of worth, a man who deserved you, because you chose me. Because you said I was. Who am I to argue with a goddess? With the woman who owns my heart? The woman who gave me all of herself…” I turned to look at Holly and Noelle who watched me with curiosity. “… and so much more? I still don’t think I deserve you Parker Leon, but if you will have me, I want to spend the rest of my life trying to be. Please allow me the chance to love you for the rest of my life, and even after I draw my last breath. Will you mar—”
“Yes!” Parker interrupted me.
“—ry me?” I shook my head and laughed. I lifted out the ring and slid it onto the third finger of her left hand. I placed a kiss on it, my eyes sliding closed.
“Thank you.”
Parker knelt in front of me and placed a kiss on my lips.
“Thank you for coming home to me and the girls, and for always being my protection.”
I gathered her close to me and sighed in relief. “And thank you for being my comfort and joy.”
Things weren’t settled, not by a long shot. We didn’t know who was behind the letter that had been left in Parker’s house—not my home as well—though I had my suspicions. And I would have to return to duty at some point.
But
for now? Right now I was going to enjoy Christmas with my family.
The way I always would. Forever.
Until I drew my last breath.
Epilogue
Four Christmases Later
Parker Leon
2023
Christmas Day
I stared at Logan, laughing at his look of complete confusion as he attempted to put together the Christmas dollhouse our three-year-old son had asked for. Logan and I didn’t try and force any of our children to conform to gender stereotypes, but I knew in that moment that Logan wished our son, Nick, had simply asked for a racecar.
The way Noelle had.
I rubbed a hand over my bulge which was evidence of my being pregnant with our fourth child. Logan still hadn’t left the Marines, though I knew now why he’d stayed in for as long as he had, and why he’d wanted to reenlist.
So that his family had the protection of the US Marine Corps in case anything happened to him.
While the creepy home invader hadn’t been back, we’d also moved. I’d said goodbye to Arlington and had allowed Logan and his friend Kynan to move me and the kids to Baltimore where Kynan’s brother, Andrew McCarthy, and his wife Kyra, helped to look out for us. And while I wasn’t one-hundred percent positive what they were involved, I knew it was something I didn’t want to know anything about.
With us under the protection of Andrew and Kyra, Logan had felt a little easier about returning to duty. And resuming his search for the man—or men—who’d threatened his family.
And I wasn’t going to begrudge him that.
But I was extremely happy to have him home for Christmas.
Even if he was making a mess and cursing up a blue streak.
“Do we have to get him this fucking thing?” Logan cursed.