by Nikki Paris
He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “Are you okay?” His eyes were filled with concern.
I cleared my throat and forced a smile. “Totally. Serena just agreed to speak, so I’m super excited about that. I’m thinking we should have her go right after Dax talks about his college acceptance and scholarship.” I looked back at my computer screen.
Camden and I would be so busy this week, getting ready for the benefit dinner. We wouldn’t even have time to talk about “us.” Then I could let him go, right after the internship ended. I could let him live the fantastic life he most definitely deserved— without me.
16
Camden
It was past 9:00 pm, and the office was empty, except for Ash and me. We were working our asses off getting ready for the big benefit dinner.
The internship was ending in two days, and I still hadn’t told her how I felt. I was worried Ash was just going to push me away. She hadn’t been cold since our incredible night, but she’d kept her distance. I could have sworn she purposely made it so that we were never alone together. Or, maybe she was just distracted by the benefit dinner. It was a big deal — the event where Bright Starts gathered the bulk of donations for the year.
I watched Ash from my little desk in the corner of her office, dying to pull her into my arms. She focused intently on her computer screen and let out a frustrated sigh.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Ash looked up, almost seeming surprised to see me still sitting in her office. “Oh. It’s nothing. We just didn’t get as many sponsors this month. And then, I’m worried about Serena. She didn’t come to the last outreach event, and I’m so damn worried. Her mom is a manipulative piece of shit.” Ash ran her hands through her hair. Then she stood and angrily threw a pen at the wall. “Why do terrible people get to be parents, Camden? Why?”
“That’s a good question. It’s one I’ve asked my whole life, too,” I said.
Ash frowned. “And have you found an answer yet?”
I shrugged. “Just that life’s not fair, and sometimes there is no satisfying reason.” I stood and crossed the tiny space. I took her hand in mine and said, “But incredible people like you help balance all the shit in the world.” I gazed right into her gorgeous blue eyes. Yep. I was batshit crazy in love with this woman.
She bit her lip and looked down, but she didn’t pull her hand away.
“Seriously, Ash, we’re going to find out what’s going on with Serena, and even if her mom has packed up and moved them away again, Serena will still have the hope you gave her. She’s tough shit, and she’ll hold on to that and become the best version of herself. I know that.”
Ash nodded and wiped a tear away with her free hand. “Serena’s tough, like you.” Her eyes flashed up to meet mine, and they were filled with warmth. “You survived hell and became the best version of yourself, Camden.”
I brushed the hair away from her face. “Nah. I’m not quite there yet, but when I’m with you, I’m close.”
A tear slid down her cheek, and Ash pulled away. Was it me? Did she not want me? Was she worried about hurting me if she was honest about her lack of feelings for me? Her words and her body language screamed the opposite, but she just kept pulling away. I took a deep breath. I had to take my shot. I had to tell her that I loved her.
“Ash, you are so beautiful and incredible. I can’t even stand this anymore. I want to be with you.” I pulled her back into my arms.
She slid her arms around my neck and kissed me, slow and sweet at first, and then rough and passionate. “Damn-it!” Ash pulled away again. “We can’t be together, Camden.”
“Why?” I gently gripped her wrist.
“Because I’m broken!” Anger flashed through her eyes, and she yanked her wrist from my grasp. “I’m broken, and I’m just meant to be alone!”
I shook my head. “You’re not broken, and Maddox is a piece of shit for making you feel that way!”
“No, I am.” She wrapped her arms around herself and backed away from me. “I… my body doesn’t work. I can’t —”
“Ash, it’s okay. It doesn’t bother me.” I reached for her again.
Ash backed further away and narrowed her eyes. “Do you already know, Camden?”
I faltered. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. We were getting shit out in the open now. I might as well tell her the truth. “Elliot let it slip the day he announced his wife’s pregnancy.”
Ash opened her mouth to speak and closed it again. Another tear slipped down her cheek. “Fuck Elliot! You know that I can’t have babies, and you’ve known for like a month? And you just didn’t say anything?” She threw her hands up in the air and started pacing.
I groaned. “What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Ash, I know all about your ovaries, and I’m cool with it because I’m in love with you, and I want to be with you, and I don’t care if I have biological babies with you.’ Is that what you wanted me to say?”
She stopped in her tracks. “What did you say?”
“I don’t care if I have biological babies with you?”
Ash shook her head. “Before that.”
Oh, shit. I’d just dropped the “L-bomb,” hadn’t I? I wanted my confession to be smoother and sexier. I was supposed to say it with feeling, with Ash in my arms. I sighed and tried again. “I love you, Ash.” Not much better.
She sat on the edge of her desk. Her voice was so quiet and small. “Love isn’t always enough.” She wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I think you believe it won’t matter to you that you’ll never watch my stomach grow with your baby inside, but eventually it’ll get to you. You’re young, and you don’t care now, but you’ll want a family at some point, and I won’t be able to give you the family you pictured, and then the resentment will start. It creeps in, at first, and you almost don’t even notice it.” Ash wiped her tears away and then whispered, “But then it tears you apart.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Fucking, no, Ash. That was Maddox.” I gently lifted her chin with my finger to make her look at me. “I have no biological family. You know that, right?”
Ash let out a dry laugh. “So then you probably want it even more.”
“No. I have a different definition of family than most people. I have fifteen foster siblings that I would die for. I had big-hearted strangers step-up and act as stand-ins for my parents, giving me all they could while I lived under their roof. I had teachers and mentors that had my back, and that was my family, Ash. Family has never been blood for me. When I tell you I don’t care about having biological children, you have to know I mean it.”
Ash closed her eyes as more tears slid out. “But you deserve to have biological children. You deserve to have a little boy or a little girl with your eyes. Like, the world needs more of your eyes, Camden.”
“Ash…” I wrapped my arms around her and breathed in her scent while she sobbed into my chest.
She pulled away suddenly. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Why? Why are you pushing me away so much?”
Ash stood and picked up her bag. “I can’t do another relationship. I haven’t even been divorced for six months yet! You were just supposed to be a random hook-up to celebrate being single again!”
“What I was supposed to be and what I am are two different things.”
Ash’s eyes sparkled with a little hope, then turned ice cold. “Not really.” Her words were like a fucking knife. She didn’t mean them, did she?
“Ash, you don’t mean that. We have a connection, a real one. What about everything we’ve experienced together?”
Ash blinked slowly and looked right into my eyes with a blank expression. “It was just sex.”
What the hell was she doing?
“I was just a lonely divorcee, and you were a hot, fuck-able intern. That’s all it was. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
Did broken hearts cause physical pain? Was that a thing? Something in my chest felt excruciating. “S
o, I’m just the hot, fuck-able intern to you?” The words were hard to get out. “You, uh, you don’t feel anything for me?”
Ash was quiet for way too long, just staring at the floor.
I nodded and rubbed my jaw. “Okay, boss.” I walked over to my desk and slammed my laptop shut. “I’ll make sure the donation forms are all set for tomorrow night. Let me know if you need anything else from me — you know, fresh coffee, office supplies, cheap sex.” I couldn’t keep the anger out of my words.
I stalked out of the office, glancing back to see the pain in Ash’s eyes. I almost turned, almost begged her to love me, but a guy can only be shot down so many times.
Thank God this internship was almost over.
17
Ash
I struggled to zip up my black dress by myself and shook off the memories of Maddox, helping me zip this very same dress. Why the hell was I thinking about Maddox? At least it was a break from thinking about Camden.
He told me he loved me, and I pushed him away. The words he said about families were so damn beautiful, and I wanted to believe them more than anything. I just couldn’t. Sure, my baby-making parts were broken, but my trust in love was broken more than that.
I was crazy about Camden. I’d sobbed like a baby when he left my office. I’d almost chased after him and told him the truth, that I was in love with him, too. But it was better this way.
Camden deserved someone that could let him in. He deserved the chance to create a happy little family unit that was all his own. I was protecting him from the shit-storm that he didn’t know was coming if he chose a life with me. That was why I’d lied to him and hurt him.
Ugh.
I managed to get the stupid dress zipped, and grabbed a pair of silver hoop earrings. I slid my silver chain necklace over my head and glared at my reflection in the mirror. My lipstick was too dark. It made me look pale. My eyes were all puffy from crying. “Pull yourself together, dumbass.”
I searched for my wine-red stilettos and found them discarded under my bed. They’d been there since the incredible “not-date” with Camden last weekend.
At least I’d always have the memories of the hottest sex of my life. And his smile… I’d never forget his smile, or his laugh, or the way he listened to me when I talked about my goals and dreams.
I groaned. I was going to die when I saw him tonight at the benefit dinner. At least it would be the last time.
◆◆◆
Elliot stood next to me, grinning. “Ash! We did it! It looks amazing in here!”
“We have Lena to thank for that.” I smiled as I looked out over the event center. The tables looked ultra-classy covered in black silk, accented with gold vases filled with white roses and fairy lights. The stage was all set up, and the slideshow played on the screen behind it.
Elliot nodded. “And Camden.” He straightened his tie and then said, “I think we should offer him a full-time job. He’s been the best intern we’ve ever had. We could really use him at Bright Starts.”
“I…” What could I say? No, Elliot, because I fucked him, and things got complicated. “He’s done excellent work, for sure. I think he’s already got a couple of job offers that pay a lot more, though.”
Elliot narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think he cares too much about the pay. And it wouldn’t hurt to at least offer a job. Let’s talk to him tonight after the dinner, yeah? It’s worth a shot.”
Aria arrived just in time to save me from answering. “It’s my two favorite bitches!” She looked stunning in her shimmery, blue floor-length gown. I could just spot her tiny baby bump.
“Hey! Where’s Dante?” I hugged Aria.
“On his way. He’s just finishing up a meeting.”
“What’s up, girl?” Elliot grinned and hugged her. “How are you feeling? How’s ba—” Elliot stopped and glanced at me.
I rolled my eyes. I was getting tired of my two best friends walking on egg-shells around me. “Oh my God! You guys can talk about your babies in front of me!” I turned to Aria and finished Elliot’s question. “How’s the baby doing?”
Aria grinned. “Everything’s looking good! We get to find out what we’re having in two weeks!” She squealed. Aria gripped Elliot’s hand. “How’s Maliya doing? Still super sick?”
Elliot nodded with a grimace. “She’s not even coming tonight. Girl can’t keep her head out of the toilet for more than thirty minutes at a time.”
I bit my lip and mumbled, “Ugh. Poor thing.” There was a time when I would have given anything to feel morning sickness. There was a time when I would have walked away from this conversation, sobbing. And Maddox would have followed me, and said, “Don’t make a scene, Ashlyn. We’ll have a baby one way or another. Our time will come.”
By some crazy coincidence, I looked up and saw Maddox walk through the door in a crisp black suit. My stomach dropped.
Aria gave me a puzzled look. “Why did you suddenly get all pale and clammy?” she asked. “Ash, we can talk about something else—”
“It’s not that!” I snapped. “Maddox.”
Aria whipped her head around and saw him walking toward us. When Maddox got within earshot, she yelled, “What the hell are you doing here?” Aria shot him a look filled with acid and hate.
Maddox stuck his hands in his pockets and said, “Good to see you, Aria. Hey, Elliot.” He glanced over at me. “Hi, Ashlyn.”
Elliot shifted uncomfortably. He and Maddox had always gotten along well, but Elliot fiercely had my back in the end. “What’s good, man?” Elliot nodded at him.
Aria glared hard. “I repeat, what are you doing here, Maddox?”
He sighed. “I bought a seat at one of your tables.” He pointed to table number ten. “I believe this table, specifically.”
“Why, Maddox?” I asked.
“Because I believe in what you guys are doing here. That’s never changed.” He let out a deep breath and turned to me. “Can we talk for a second, Ash?”
Aria moved to stand in front of me. “No, you ass-wipe.”
God, I loved Aria.
I sighed and stood up straighter. If I couldn’t even talk to Maddox, then he still ruled me. “You can have five minutes.”
Aria turned around and raised her eyebrows at me. I laughed and patted her arm. “I can handle this. Tough bitch.”
She sighed. “Tough bitch.” Aria gave me a high five and shot Maddox one more dirty look.
I headed for the door, and Maddox followed. Once we were outside, he asked, “Is Aria pregnant?”
“Yup.” I looked up at the night sky. “Maliya, too.”
“Shit.” Maddox sighed. “You okay?” The question sounded like a reflex on his lips, like he asked because he was supposed to. His words weren’t full of caring the way Camden’s always were.
“That’s not for you to worry about.” I twisted my necklace and stared at my shoes. “What do you want, Maddox?”
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Again,” I finally met his eyes, “Not for you to worry about.”
“Ash, I never stopped caring about you. You know that, right? I’m always going to care about you, and I’m always going to support your work, no matter what. That’s all I wanted you to know.”
I stayed silent for a moment, searching his eyes and his face for an ounce of something real. I almost laughed out loud when my epiphany struck. Maddox only cared about appearances.
“That’s all you wanted, Maddox?” God, how had I not seen how manipulative he was? He’d shut me out and blamed me for all of our problems, and I’d believed it was me that was broken. But no, Maddox was the broken, shallow one. It was so clear now. “See, I think you’re here tonight because you want to be seen as the ‘good guy.’ I think that you miss all the prominent people that I rub shoulders with because of my work, and you want them to see you here, lovingly supporting your ex-wife. ‘Wow,’ they’ll say, ‘Look at Maddox Styles! He’s supporting Ashlyn even though they’re d
ivorced.’” I did a mocking slow clap while staring him down.
“Ashlyn! Seriously? I’m not the bad guy!” Maddox looked angry. He’d never liked it when I called him on his shit.
I laughed. “Okay, tell me I’m wrong then, Maddox. We’re not married anymore. You don’t have to impress me — not that you even tried the last few years.”
“Ashlyn!” His voice was getting harsher. I didn’t care.
“We don’t have to bullshit each other, Maddox. If you tell me the truth, I’ll respect you more. Did you come here to be seen by all of these wealthy benefactors and business owners? Or did you come here because you care about me?”
Maddox squared his jaw and looked away. Finally, he answered. “Can’t it be both?”
I laughed out loud and patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, big guy, your secret’s safe with me. So, I will just thank you in advance for your generous donation and tell you to enjoy your evening.”
Anger flashed through Maddox’s eyes, and he looked like he was about to tell me off until he saw Robert and Isla Shaw walking toward the entrance of the event center. They were the owners of several ski resorts all over the country. Maddox’s anger magically melted away, and he offered me a stiff hug instead. Then Maddox followed the Shaw’s into the building.
“Unbelievable!” I muttered, and then something dawned on me. Maddox and I would have gotten divorced even if I had given him six healthy babies. Maddox and I were wrong for each other and destined to fail from the beginning. He’d just used my infertility as an excuse to leave.
Infertility wasn’t a reason not to love someone. The shit-storm I’d experienced with Maddox would never be repeated with someone that honestly loved me.
18
Ash
I was about to head back inside the event center when I saw him. Camden was walking through the parking lot, in a light gray suit, looking good enough to lick. Damn, just the sight of him sent my brain into this hyper-sexualized whirlwind.