The Full Moon Above Us

by Sarah Raz

  Jacques was the first to come down. He was freshly combed and cleanly shaved, sporting a dark business suit and a striped tie, shoes shined to a blinding polish. He had a court appearance that day and he was rather in a hurry. How pleased he was to find his favorite dish sitting on the table waiting for him, just like his mother used to make! “Thank you, Alice! The taste must be as good as the smell. It’s been years since I’ve had this dish.” Alice had never forgotten Jacques’ love for French toast, so his reaction was exactly what she was hoping for. By the time Rebecca came down to the kitchen, Jacques had made his way through four slices and was happily munching on the fifth. “What is this horrible smell? Frying first thing in the morning?” Rebecca approached the table and a great scream escaped her lips. “Alice, what is all this sugar? Haven’t you heard how unhealthy sugar is? Fried and loaded with sugar – are you trying to kill us all? I must ask you to stay away from the kitchen. From now on, you may cook for yourself and your daughter if you wish, but do not make anything for my family!” Alice reeled from Rebecca’s harsh rebuke. “Rebecca, please, do you really believe for a moment that I had any desire to harm you? Don’t you know that this is Jacques’ favorite dish, the one that our mother used to make for him every morning before school? All I ever wanted was to please him. Please do not be mad, I promise not make this mistake again.” How much pleading, how much unabashed groveling there was in Alice’s voice. Even in the best of times she had never felt comfortable in the presence of her sister in law. Jacques had difficulty swallowing his last mouthful of French toast. He washed it down with the last of Alice’s sweet milky coffee, wiped his face with a napkin and addressed his wife. “Rebecca, please, there is no need to panic. Alice had meant well. You may choose not to eat sugar and not to give it to your daughter Linka, but I have no intention of giving up my favorite dish from years past. One can never forget the taste of such a delicacy. Alice, please feel free to cook whatever you want. I, for one, will be glad to taste our mother’s cooking again.” Jacques delivered his verdict, donned his homburg, and made quite the spectacle of kissing his wife goodbye on her cheek. He pronounced that he would not be back until quite late that evening and wished everyone a nice day. Then he took his leave, never thinking for a moment how his performance would deepen the rift between his sister and his wife.

  Alice, who had suddenly felt quite unwelcome, decided that this would be a good time to visit her father and her aunts, none of whom had yet seen Mati. She was eager to find out what they could do to make her life with her sister in law go more smoothly.

  Having cleared the table, she took Mati in tow and walked towards her father’s café. There, time seemed to have stopped its forward march. The café stood in its place just as it had always had. She walked down the street, scanning left and right for people she might have recognized, but none happened to be out. When she entered the café with Mati, she had to approach her father quite closely before he could recognize who she was. “My little Liska,” he said as his face suddenly lost all color. “Liska, what a surprise, no one told me you were coming. This must be your daughter Mati. Oh, look how much she resembles Jacques! A veritable carbon copy! Another redhead in the family. Madame Rachelle, please meet my beautiful daughter.” From the kitchen emerged an older woman, wiping her hands on kitchen towel, shaking her head left and right. “Beautiful indeed, just as you had told me. Ay-ay-ay, you will never know how much your father talks about you. There is nothing I don’t know. Rachelle pressed her lips to Alice’s cheek, gave her a warm hug, and bent down over Mati. “What a granddaughter you have, Menachem! Quite the carrot top. I have something yummy to give you, child, follow me into the kitchen.” Alice froze in place from all the emotions that this performance and that morning’s earlier escapades had evoked in her. As she was standing there, Menachem took the opportunity to approach her and take her in his arms. That was how they stayed for a while, cherishing the moment. It had been so long since they had seen each other last. There was so much they had to tell each other, but words could not find their way onto their lips. So they simply looked at each other, having an entire conversation with their eyes.

  A young couple with two small children entered the café and looked around for a good place to sit; one with a good view to the outside and plenty of room for the kids to play. Menachem was the first to shake himself off and told Alice that his place of business was hardly the right place for a reunion and that he would expect her at the house. “Go walk around the town a bit, renew some acquaintances, or even better go to Tanti Sarah and then come back to the house and we can talk in peace.” Menachem turned to help his guests. Alice enjoyed spending time at the café, where she had spent so many of her childhood hours. She drew deep into her lungs all the smells emanating from the kitchen and took a stroll among the tables. Even the tablecloths had the same color as when she had last seen them. They were the exact copy of those made by her mother. As she had been in no hurry, she promised to come back that night.

  Four years have passed since she left her hometown. Back then it lay in ruins after the big earthquake; she had, or so it appeared, left behind both the ruins of her town and those of her family. Her father, it had then seemed, would never be able to recover from the trifecta of tragedies that had befallen him when three of his most beloved people met their demise; his wife and two of his sons. Jacques had been his only comfort and it was he who kept him going. Alice was finding it difficult to regain her feeling of belonging to the place of her birth. She had traveled far, both physically and mentally in the intervening years. She had learned to be independent in choosing her own way and making her own decisions. Now, she had to rely on her brother once again. The cycle of life often carries one to shores one would never have chosen, but fighting one’s destiny is a fool’s errand, a struggle never to be fully won, she whispered softly to herself.

  Alice found herself at her aunts’ house. The structure had been rebuilt, or more precisely restored to exactly what it had looked like before the quake. Why hadn’t they moved to a different place, she thought, what need did they have to stay put? Right away she knew that Sarah would never leave, simply because her one true love had never known her to have lived at any other address, which was the one and only address for his true love, an address he would never forget. That was why she had stayed put.

  When Sarah opened the door after Alice’s feeble, hesitant knock, she and Alice could not contain the sudden joy that had taken hold of them both. Alice, their old protégé, had come home. The aunts would not let her leave any time soon now. After the long hugs and kisses, Alice drew a deep breath; she took in all the wonderfully familiar smells of the house where she had spent so many of the happiest moments of her life. She could tell exactly what had been cooking in the stewpot and she could already smell the scent of the napkins being pulled out of their drawer where they had nestled on a bed of rose petals. “Alice, you must stay,” said Sarah when they were finally seated at the table. “Together, as a single, united family, we can fight for survival just as a bundle of straw that had been tied together can withstand winds that would break any single stalk. We will never let you leave again. We have heard that Asher injured himself. He will get better and you will bring him here. Listen to your aunt, she knows what she is saying.”

  Mati felt free to run around the house with the two aunts coddling her at every step, making animal noises at her, and feeding her sweets. Most of all, Mati learned to love their hugs, sweet embraces that smelled like those of a doting grandmother. After they had taken their refreshments and heard the story of Alice’s travails from her own mouth rather than Jacques’, the aunts felt content. Sarah looked Alice in the eye. “You know and we know that your life with your brother is not going to be an easy one. That being said, you are always welcome here with us. We can watch Mati when you have things to do, so feel free to come and ask us for anything. You know that we have no money, but anything else you can ask and we will be deli
ghted to give it to you.” With aunts like these, who can ask for anything more, Alice thought, as her eyes began to fill with tears. Certainly, it was not normal, a wife leaving her husband at his greatest hour of need. “Tanti, have I done the right thing when I transferred Asher’s care to his sister? Was I not wrong to have come here?” Her aunt shook her head from side to side making little noises with the tip of her tongue. “No, I do not think you have done anything wrong. After all, his sister had already saved him once when his stepmother drove him away from his family home. She is the right person to get him through this crisis as well. Give him time, he will recover his strength and send for you. Why are you so pale, Alice? You must recover your spirits and regain your strength. It is now most important that you take care of yourself.”

  Back at her father’s house, Alice saw some things that she had not expected. Inside, the old house had been totally remade. None of the old furniture remained. This was no longer her house, but rather Rachelle’s. Her mother’s photographs no longer graced the walls and only one remote corner had small photos of Itzhak and of Albert. Alice knew then that this place would not do as an alternative to Jacques’.

  No matter how hard she looked that day, Alice could not catch even a glimpse of a moonbeam. Had this meant that her mother was cross with her? Was she still guiding her from above?

  The letters from Asher never stopped coming. His condition continued to deteriorate and he wrote to her of relentless hellish pains that could not be stopped. He wrote to her that they had to open the cast on his leg because his bone was refusing to heal. He underwent one operation after another. In every letter, Asher lavished praise on his sister for never leaving his side and devoted all her time to his care. Since he had no means with which to pay the rent, he had to move out of their apartment, sell all their belongings and move in with his sister into the Huge-Bunar area of Sofia, an old part of town that was basically a slum. Alice recalled hearing that this neighborhood was home to many Jewish peddlers. Some worked as servants in the homes of rich Jews, others had different kinds of menial jobs such as porters. Yet others have even engaged in petty crime. “I could only keep the things most important to you,” Asher wrote, “a few of the household items and, of course, the sewing machine.” Being so far away, Alice felt powerless to help. Asher was bedridden in his sister’s house and she had to take a job so that she could support them both. Asher’s own employers had let him know that they regrettably could wait no longer and would be hiring a replacement for his position. Alice replied to Asher that her only desire was to return to Sofia and stay by his side, but Asher refused to hear of it. He would not allow her to leave the protection of her brother. Rebecca had hardly been happy with the arrangement, which hardly made Alice’s life in Plovdiv any easier.

  Every afternoon, it had been Rebecca’s habit to play her piano. At those times, everyone had to keep completely quiet; the lady of the house was practicing. Rebecca was a talented pianist and scrupulously played every note to perfection. It fell on Alice to keep the two toddlers in the house occupied so that they wouldn’t interfere with her recitals. She would take them out for walks, pushing Rebecca’s baby in her carriage, Mati walking beside her. One day as she was slowly promenading along a street not far from Rebecca’s house, Alice was overcome with a slight dizziness. She thought that she might have become a little dehydrated and stopped by a house that belonged to a Jewish family she had been friendly with. She knocked on the door and asked for a little water. No sooner had the lady of the house return with a full glass, when she saw Alice lying on the floor, unconscious. The woman immediately called her husband to help her bring Alice in and put her down on a bed in one of the bedrooms. Alice came to in a darkened room when she felt cold water dripping on her face and neck. “Where is Mati? And what is Linka doing? What will I tell Rebecca?” Alice sounded panicked. The lady of the house put her mind at ease and told her that the little girls had been well taken care of. Alice felt a tightening in her stomach and wetness between her legs. She reached down with her hand and brought it back to her face. It was dripping with blood. The woman next to her immediately understood what had happened. She quietly left the room and asked her husband to go fetch Dr. Versano. She came back into Alice’s room with wet towels, which she had placed next to her. Alice tried to get out of bed and even managed to bring herself into a seated position, but her strength had failed her. Her host helped her clean up and wrap herself in clean towels. Tears began flowing down Alice’s face. How could it be that in all the goings on she failed to notice that she had become pregnant? Her first pregnancy had been so traumatic. From the very first days she had been nauseous and weak, but now she had had no warning at all. Fate has its own wisdom, she thought. Her body must have rejected the new baby knowing that now was no time to bring another child into the world.

  The opening of the door interrupted her chain of thought. Dr. Versano appeared on the threshold. He was a Jewish physician, well-known in the community for his skills. He examined her gently and declared that she had just had a partial miscarriage, a miscarriage that now had to be completed without delay because she had already lost a great deal of blood. The doctor said that she could not be moved in her condition and that he had all the tools necessary for the procedure in his satchel. He added that after the procedure she would have rest in bed for a few days, take aspirin for pain, and avoid any chance of infection. Alice had to make a decision then and there. She asked her hostess for permission and once assured that there would be no problem for her to stay as long as necessary, she asked that a message be sent to her brother to come and pick up the girls. Alice was worried more about her sister in law’s reaction than she was afraid of the painful procedure that was about be performed on her.

  Her host made all arrangements and provided the doctor with everything he needed: hot water and plenty of clean towels and sheets. She even volunteered to stay in the room and assist. Alice took a whiff of the ether that Dr. Versano had placed over her nose and mouth and lost consciousness once again.

  Upon waking up, Alice felt a sharp, almost unbearable pain split her abdomen in two. She bit her lower lip until a trickle of blood ran down her chin, but she had made no sound beyond a long, soft sigh. Tanti Sarah was seated at her side, placing cold compresses on her forehead. Alice felt feverish. “Be quiet, dear, people are taking care of you. This wonderful woman had never left your bedside, like an angel from heaven. It’s been three days since you came here and you have been under constant care. Mati is alright, Suzanne is taking care of her. Now that you are awake, take a few sips of water and you’ll start feeling better.” Alice could not hold back her tears. How lucky she had been that Asher knew nothing of this. He would have been devastated and worried while he himself needed all the care and support he could get. “I must recover quickly,” she said in a soft but determined voice. “I must get up.”

  Back in her brother’s house, things were not good. Jacques’ attempts at bridging the gap between the women in his household had failed and upon coming back home from the office he was the recipient of seething anger from his wife and silent sorrow from his sister.

  Months passed which saw many a sad letter. Letters of despair from Asher and letters of impotence from Alice. The flow of letters was thinning. This caused Alice a great deal of alarm and she had written to Asher expressing her expectation of more frequent communications from him. She was becoming upset that she had been abandoned back in her hometown at the mercy of family, while he was living it up in Sofia, being served hand and foot by his sister, relieved of all responsibility for his wife and his daughter. Alice had started to suspect that since no recovery from an injury should take quite such a long time, perhaps Asher had become accustomed to her absence and had no desire to see her come back to him. She had spilled her heart out to him in her letters; he owed her answers for some tough questions.

  Alice went to the post office to mail the letter to Asher. She left Mati wi
th the aunts and was slowly walking down Plovdiv’s main street. Her once great beauty was yet sufficient to turn quite a few heads in her direction. One could tell that she had suffered greatly. Her hair had been placed in a tight bun at the top of her head and as she had put on no blush, the pallor of her cheeks was rather startling. Her love of sweets had gained her quite a bit of weight; after each meal she had her fill of halvah and in her purse there were always chocolate candy to be found.

  Alice felt that someone had been matching his paces to her own for quite a while now. She hastened her steps and heard the man follow suit. A familiar voice sounded behind her. “Alice! I can’t believe it! What are you doing back in Plovdiv?” Alice turned back and found herself face to face with Marco Anavi.

  A great wave of anger washed over her. How dared he accost her on the street? Had he not hurt her enough, had he not given up on her so easily for her own best friend? Alice had not slowed down her paces. “Alice, stop awhile, I would like to talk to you; I am only here by chance… I beg of you… stop!” Seeing that Alice had no intentions of complying with his wishes, Marco grabbed her by the arm and drew her to him with rather exaggerated confidence. “Alice, you cannot avoid me. I owe you an explanation. Come, let go of your pride and give me a chance to explain myself.” Alice softened a bit and in any case, she found herself unable to escape his grip.

  She allowed him to take control of her movements and looked him in the eye. He had indeed changed over the past five years and how! No longer a kid, but a tall man, impeccably dressed, full of confidence. “Come let’s have a drink, we can talk sitting down,” he said as he was guiding her towards a table at a nearby sidewalk café. Alice was beginning to be swept away. The touch of his hand thrilled her. It had been quite a while since she had last been the subject of a man’s attention in this way. After they had been seated, he recalled how she had liked cold cherry juice when they were kids. Marco never took his eyes off of her, scanning every detail on her face with never-wavering attention. “Alice, how beautiful you are! The years had only added to your beauty. But your eyes! There is so much sadness in them. What is going on in your life?” Alice could find no words with which to answer. Marco, on the other hand, could not hide his emotions. He told her that he had finished his course in mechanical engineering and that Lisa had studied education and had become a kindergarten teacher. Their life together had not been a happy one, so they decided to emigrate to the Holy Land. His brother David had sent for them and had already prepared for them a place to live in a small town in the Galilee. Marco confided in her that Lisa had been extremely worried about malaria and wished to live in Tel Aviv, but right now there was no work to be found there. They were scheduled to board a ship from Yugoslavia in two days’ time and Marco couldn’t wait to go.