The Full Moon Above Us

by Sarah Raz

  It was at night that Alice had truly felt the enormity of her burden. These were the hours when she had nobody with whom to share her worries. For some time now, all who met her remarked how pale she had looked. Alice could find no time to look after their home the way she always used to and it fell upon her daughters to help out with the cleaning. Mati and little Luna did their best. Svetlana the neighbor never stopped urging Alice to go see a doctor about her increasing pallor. Alice told her that she knew what had caused it, but just could not deal with it right now. It has been a while now that her womb would not stop bleeding and she was suffering from severe stomach cramps. She was well aware that “tumors” were not uncommon in her family and that some of the female family members had to be operated on. But she could not afford the luxury of a lengthy hospital stay; she would go see her pharmacist, she thought. Surely he could give her something that would at least delay the inevitable. She needed time, time to think and restore her strength.

  With every passing day Alice grew weaker. The bleeding increased and she knew that she could not leave her girls alone. In her mind, she knew that the day was not far off when Asher would come back to her. But there was no news and she had no idea if the care packages she had sent him via the Jewish community center had found their way to him. She walked around as if in a dream world.

  Alice opened the window and leaned out, looking at the sky above. “Mother,” she whispered, it has been a long time since I had implored you. I can find no time in my insane existence to seek your counsel. How can it be that I have not a moment of peace? Why is it that my whole life is one unending struggle? Mother, my strength is fading. If Asher does not return to me, I will not be able to carry the burden any longer. I have not a soul in the world that I can turn to. Had I been an observant Jew, perhaps I could go to a Rabbi for advice; I have no one to confide in. Mother, I am asking you, please help me. Guide me to the right path.” Alice had become dizzy with blood loss and despair. She collapsed to the floor and hit her head. Blood began flowing from her forehead and soon covered her whole face. The loud bang woke Luna from her sleep. She ran to her mother and, upon seeing all the blood, became frightened and woke Mati. Together they placed a pillow under Alice’s head. Mati fetched a towel and a bowl of water and began wiping the blood off Alice’s face. Luna rummaged through her mother’s purse and found the small sachet of powder that her pharmacist had given her for headaches. She managed to make Alice drink some of it. The girls did everything quietly and without tears, as if guided by a remote force. “Mother, we shall not let you down,” Luna said. “We will help you as much as we can. Please don’t worry. Father will come home soon and everything will be alright again. Just hold on for a little bit longer until his return.” Alice knew that Asher would come back to her. She could feel it in her bones. He could not just disappear like that from her life. He must return.

  She played out in her mind the scene of Asher’s homecoming. Rumors swirled around the synagogue and the families of the draftees, none of whom had any news of their loved ones. The families met at the synagogue to try and pry from each other any shred of news, real or imaginary. All lived in fear and anxiety, not knowing what to expect.

  At the end of the three months, Asher came back. The joy of his return was mingled with fear; Alice had to get herself checked out at the hospital. The German army now had full control of all public institutions and commandeered the public schools to use as barracks for its troops. The hospitals were made to give German soldiers and officers first priority. Alice could finally leave Asher with the girls and go seek help for what ailed her. The doctor who saw her at the hospital was adamant that there was nothing to be done but perform a hysterectomy. Alice was full of fear. Sanitary conditions in the public hospital had not been exemplary and it was not uncommon to hear of women who had never come back after procedures such as this. As she was contemplating her fate, another doctor came in, this time the one she knew well, a Jewish doctor from the synagogue. He took a look at her chart and addressed her in a rapid-fire whisper in the Ladino language. “Do you wish to end your life here? You must not be hospitalized at this time. The level of care is abysmal and anyone who gets operated on is risking their lives. I will prescribe for you penicillin and let you know where you may obtain it, since most of it had been commandeered by the army. After you take it for two weeks, come back and see me and I will tell what you must do next. No, do not come here. See me in my house. He proceeded to give her a prescription with the address of a pharmacy where she could find the penicillin, jotted down his own address, and urged her to leave quickly before the resident physician’s return. Alice ran out as if her life depended on it, all the while thanking the lucky stars that had brought the Jewish doctor to her.

  Asher took up his new job at the coal warehouse, but after a few months left it to go back to his old employer. Every night he hurried back home, making no stops along the way. He was deeply worried by the new rumors that were circulating among the Jewish community daily. Alice and the girls almost never left the apartment. Distant explosions from bombs dropped by the British air force became a nightly occurrence.

  The rumors did not disappoint and the expulsion of Jews from the larger cities had become a reality. The Germans decided to transfer all the Jews to small towns and villages, those that were located in close proximity to railroad lines leading to Poland. The notices arrived in each Jewish family all at once. Each family received precise instructions where to go and was required to appear at the train station within twenty four hours. They were allowed to bring a few items of clothing and some money. They were ordered to lock their houses and apartments and deposit the keys with the fascist movement commissars, who, they were assured, would keep their homes and their belongings safe. Panic took hold of the Jewish community in Sofia. The Jews began liquidating their belongings. Since they had no doubt that they were being forced out of the country, they made up their minds to sell everything to their Bulgarian neighbors. Alice had never seen such commotion on the streets of the capital. A steady stream of peasants from the countryside, their carts loaded to the brim, flowed like a river upon the boulevards. In front of every Jewish home and business, items for sale were piled as high as their weight would support. Many business owners who had Bulgarian partners simply left them everything, relying on their word that they would get it all back upon their return. Alice gave all her belongings to her neighbor asking for nothing in return as long as they didn’t fall into the hands of the Germans.

  Kyustendil

  The Uziel family was required to report to the small town of Kyustendil in southwestern Bulgaria. Alice put together a good amount of warm clothing for everyone and placed it in rucksacks for ease of carrying. In one of the rucksacks she had put the carved wooden box containing Asher’s shaving utensils and in another her cherished jewelry box.

  At night, Asher came home accompanied by his company owner, Mr. Davichinov. “Alice, please listen to what he has to say”, he said. The Bulgarian gentleman cleared his throat several times, finding difficult to put his thoughts into words now that he was face to face with Alice. “Alice, these are tough days for you and what the end of all this will be nobody knows. I am proposing to a take your little girl, Luna, adopt her, and thus save her from all the persecutions. When the war is over and everything returns to normal, you have my word that I will give your daughter back to you.” Alice’s temples began to pound. Her breath was taken away from her. “After all, his proposal has a lot of merit. If we can save but one soul from among us, why should we not try,” Asher whispered. “I believe him that he will raise Luna as one of his own and I trust that he will return her at the end of the war.” Alice did not need another second for contemplation. “Many thanks to you, Mr. Davichinov, I certainly appreciate your offer and I am sure that your only motive is to help us. But our family will stick together through thick and thin. I thank you again. I shall never forget your kindness. One day, I am certai
n, we shall be able to repay it.” Alice called the girls out from their room and asked them to bid farewell to their family friend, Mr. Davichinov, with hugs and kisses. She whispered to them how this man had tried to help them during such difficult times.

  That night they did not slept a wink. The girls could see the fear and worry in their parents’ eyes. In the morning, they said their farewells to the neighbors with plenty of hugs and kisses. Svetlana gave the girls some sweets and Alice a warm shawl for the journey. “My heart tells me that now that you are leaving Sofia they will start bombing us,” said their Bulgarian neighbor with tears in her eyes. “Until now, the Allied Forces had taken care not to bomb the Jewish quarter because they wanted to protect all the Jewish possessions. You were the guarantors of our safety. What will happen to us without you? Alice, we shall wait for your return.”

  They made their way to the train station via carriage. It was not the same carriage that had first brought Alice to Sofia, all her hopes and aspirations intact. No, it had not been the carriage that had seen her so full of joy and hope for the future. It was, rather, a hearse, taking them away to an unknown and menacing future, bound to edicts and commands that they had no control over. Alice clung to her daughters, pressing them against her as a mother bird protecting her chicks. Asher observed her without uttering a word, impotent to navigate their fate.

  The train station was crowded. Entire families, old and young, were gathered along the platforms. Every train car had the name of its destination emblazoned on its side. The deportation notices served in lieu of tickets. The name of every deported Jew was recorded in a book. People shoved and shouted, as if worried that there would be no room for them in the cars leading to their destinations, but the authorities were highly efficient and the whole operation had been impeccably planned and executed. There were no cases of insufficient room. How docile everyone is, Alice thought. People are being deported from their homeland, from the only homes they had ever known, and all they care about is following orders. Alice stayed with the girls while Asher had gone in search of their train car. She cast a long look after him and noticed that his limp had become more pronounced. She knew that he had been in more pain than he let on. When they reached their destination she would arrange for him to see a doctor. Alice could not fathom how so many people could be herded to an unknown destiny without protest and how their Bulgarian neighbors had so easily surrendered them to the murderous Nazis. She felt herself prepared to fight with all her might for her personal survival and that of her family, but how could she fight for the survival of an entire nation?

  Twenty five thousand Jews were being deported from Sofia and only a few families that had adopted Christianity before 1942 were allowed to stay. Did it make any sense to remain a Jew?

  Asher came back, having located their train car and saved them a few of the better seats.

  According to rumor, the train ride was supposed to be a long and tedious one. Alice had never been to Kyustendil, a small town, unremarkable for anything but its train station. At midnight, the train came to a stop. The platform was full of German soldiers, heavily armed. In loud, barking noises, using the German language that few had understood, they were commanded to form lines and marched towards the town. It was bitterly cold and Alice dressed the girls in heavy sweaters, gloves, and hats, with heavy winter coats over it all. The road was rather long, perhaps three kilometers. They marched in total silence. Even the children held back from crying. The soldiers marched alongside, keeping an eye on any attempts at escape. The sound of their footsteps was the only sound they could hear. Alice looked up to the sky. It was a clear winter night, a night of a full moon. Around the moon’s pale hallo, a myriad stars were shining bright, lighting their way to the unknown. Alice put her arms around her daughters as Asher paced beside them, never uttering a word.

  “Mother,” Alice whispered, “I have given you many good days in which to watch over me. Take a good look where I am now. I have no control over my life anymore. I have had many stumbles in my life, from most of which I could get up, stronger than ever. But now, mother, I need the intervention of Heaven. I need your help. Guard us from on high and save what is left of my family.”

  When they had arrived at the town, they were directed to the Jewish school. The local Jewish community had been expecting them. Everything had been made ready. The school had a large assembly hall and each family received blankets, hot tea, and sandwiches. With the same quiet acceptance that had been the hallmark of the entire trip, folks began making their preparations for sleep. Alice put Mati and Luna next to Asher and went out to the schoolyard. In the moonlight, she saw women volunteers who were distributing the food and drink and she went over to help. Suddenly, she heard a familiar voice. “Alice, is that you?” Alice let out a cry and was beside herself with joy. Flora, her childhood friend from Plovdiv was right there beside her. They had not seen each other in thirteen years. They hugged. “Alice, how good that you are here! I am married to the head of the Jewish community in Kyustendil. You and your family are invited to spend the night with us and tomorrow we shall sort you out. Alice hurried back to her already half-asleep family and informed them that they would be spending the night with Flora’s family. Asher had no idea what she was talking about, but he did as he was told.

  Flora’s house was quite opulent and it had been lit as if for a holiday. People were coming and going, trying to coordinate the influx of Jewish deportees. Flora’s husband, though very busy, made them feel welcome and shared in his wife’s joy for reconnecting with her childhood friend, a friend whom she was now in a position to help. Flora quickly arranged some bedding and found beds for them all. She suggested that they waste no time in turning in. It had been a long time since Alice had slept in such luxury among down pillows. Just as she was closing her eyes, Alice recalled that day at her aunts’ old place, the day when they were reading the coffee grinds and saying how the two of them, Flora and Alice would meet in Kyustendil. She felt a pleasant warmth spread all over her body and she looked forward to the morning with a renewed sense of hope.

  The next day they all went to the school. Flora’s husband addressed all the Jews that arrived from Sofia, making them feel welcome and putting their minds at ease. He arranged for them to get fresh food every day. They cooked potato stews in great big pots, enough for everyone. While her husband was talking, Flora approached Alice, tugging at her arm. “Come with me,” she whispered. She led her to the home of a Bulgarian farmer who had been willing to rent out his barn. Flora paid him two months in advance and told Alice that nothing better could be found. “Sleeping on the school floor with dozens of other people won’t do,” she said. “I shall take care of you here.” Alice felt that Flora had been sent to her from heaven. She hurried back to Asher to tell him the news. Upon their return together, the farmer had already prepared two beds for them. The barn stood at the edge of the property. Asher found a few wooden planks lying around and asked permission to use them. Having received permission, he constructed from them a crude table. The girls were playing in the yard, which bordered on a stream spanned by a small footbridge. In the water, they saw some ducks, a hen with her chicks swimming in tow. Under other circumstances, it could have been thought that they were all taking a holiday in the country. Every morning, Asher went to the schoolhouse to receive their daily rations of food. The food had been carefully rationed out, a thin soup with four potatoes floating in it. The boiled potatoes were not equal in size. Alice wrote their names on little notes and sprinkled the notes over the potatoes. To everyone’s screams of joy, Asher got the biggest one every time.

  After the trauma of the first few days had subsided, they went out to see the town. Kyustendil was rather picturesque. It was surrounded by orchards of apples, plums, apricots, and peaches. The hill slopes were planted with wine grapes. Bulgaria is, after all, our beloved homeland, Alice had thought. No one could have ever imagined that it would turn against them. Even no
w, Alice still believed that the Bulgarian authorities would wake up and renew their benevolence towards the Jewish community.

  A new edict came down after a number of days. It was hung in plain sight of all the public spaces and directed all the Jews to report to the schoolhouse to receive yellow patches in the shape of the Star of David. They were ordered to wear the patches on their lapels. Furthermore, the edict established a seven o’clock in the evening curfew. After that hour and until the next morning, no Jew could be seen venturing outside without the risk of arrest.

  The next few weeks had passed without anything to be done, but go and receive the daily food rations. Luna and Mati were throwing pebbles into the stream one morning, when they saw a man who had just crossed the footbridge make his way towards them. He was rather tall, dressed in farmer’s garb; wide pants tucked into high boots. Carrying a suitcase in each hand, he walked in their direction. The girls ran to call their father. Asher exited the barn only to find out, to his great surprise, that the man approaching them was none other than Mr. Davichinov. Asher ran to him and gave him a warm embrace, moved by the unexpected meeting. Davichinov put down his suitcases and gave Alice and the girls hugs and kisses. He told them that they had been rather easy to find. Everyone he had asked knew about the Uziel family. They all went inside. From his suitcases, Davichinov extracted a bottle of Bulgarian alcohol called Rakia, a few jars of jam, honey, and goose fat. He also brought some wheat, nuts, various sausages, and sugar; food enough for several months. Alice covered the makeshift table with a cloth and invited everyone to a feast they haven’t had for many days. Never before had Alice seen Asher cry. He was so moved by Davichonov’s kindness, that all the feelings that were dammed inside of him ever since the first days of anti-Jewish persecutions now burst out in a great stream of emotion. Asher was physically sobbing. Davichinov rose to his feet and said with passion: “we the Bulgarian people do not agree with the policy of our government. We shall not assist them in the extermination of the Jewish people. You are our brothers and sisters and we shall help you as much as we can. Asher, we shall meet again after the war. I await you in Sofia, ready to help in any way possible.” Now Alice began wiping her tears. Davichinov did not stay long; he hurried back to catch the train to Sofia.