It's A Wonderful Midlife Crisis : A Paranormal Women's Fiction Novel: Good To The Last Death Book One

by Robyn Peterman

  “I have,” Sarina said, narrowing her eyes and keeping her front door only partially open.

  “I’m so sorry,” I told her, looking down at my trembling hands. I was a terrible liar. Why I thought I could pull this off was beyond me. Clearly, I didn’t think. But I was here and I was going to finish it. “I’m a widow too. My husband died last year.”

  Mentally, I apologized to Steve for using his death in my scheme. However, I didn’t think he would mind in this case. His sense of justice had been enormous.

  Sarina at least had the manners to look somewhat compassionate about my loss. She was Southern. Even murdering bitches in the south wouldn’t want it to get around town that they were rude. I could possibly guilt her into letting me in.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said.

  “Thank you. May I come in,” I inquired politely. “It’s a bit chilly out and I forgot my coat.”

  I didn’t forget my coat. It was in the car with Karen—my new dog. I could already tell she was a chewer. I had no clue if my coat would be wearable when I finished here, but I had a few others. The dog had been so excited to get busted out of the pound she almost did a freaking backflip as I walked her out to my car. She was every kind of nuts, and I was already in love with her.

  Sarina only hesitated a fraction of a second. She didn’t want to invite me in, but I’d given her no choice.

  “Of course,” she said with a smile that was only on her lips. Her eyes were still narrowed.

  “Thank you so much,” I said, breezing right past her and walking into the house.

  I spotted the chair immediately. Walking right over to it, I sat down.

  “You have a lovely home,” I told her.

  It was lovely. John had clearly been rich—very rich.

  “Thank you,” Sarina said, glancing at her diamond-encrusted watch. “I have an appointment shortly. May I ask why you’re here?”

  “Oh,” I said with a laugh and then a cough. “I’m so sorry. I have seasonal allergies. Do you have some water?”

  I continued to cough and pound my chest as she watched me warily. I didn’t blame her. I was acting seriously weird.

  “Not a problem,” she said. “Wait here, please.”

  As soon as she left the room, I shoved my hand into the side of the chair and searched for the phone. Bingo. My hand shook like a leaf as I shoved one of the last objects John had touched when he was alive into my purse. I got what I came for. Now I needed to get the hell out.

  “Here you go,” she said, handing me a glass of water that I wouldn’t drink if my life depended on it. The heinous woman was known for poisoning drinks. “I think I must have missed the reason for your visit.”

  “Yes. Sorry,” I said, slapping my forehead. “I’m in a widows support group and wondered if you might want to participate. It can be very life-affirming to be with other women who have lived through the experience. Of course, most of the gals are in their seventies and eighties, but they’re a hoot. We meet five days a week and we rotate homes. We usually do potluck and then take the leftovers to the homeless shelter afterward. It’s our way of honoring the lives of our husbands. So, does that sound like something that might interest you?”

  She was looking at me like I had a few screws loose, which I did. However, I had to make the club sound awful so she wouldn’t say yes. It would be a little awkward since the group didn’t exist.

  “No,” she said, walking to her front door and opening it. “As lovely as the invitation is, I’m not ready for that yet. Jim just passed last week.”

  “John,” I corrected her.

  “Right,” she said, having the grace to blush a deep red. “I’m so upset about the whole thing, I’m getting confused.”

  “Of course you are,” I said, making sure our bodies didn’t touch as I made my way out of her house. “My condolences to you, and I hope life will treat you kindly.”

  “Why wouldn’t it?” she asked, still red in the face.

  “Sometimes the death of a loved one keeps coming back in odd ways,” I told her as I walked down the stone steps and headed back to my car. “Dreams. Nightmares. Just take good care of yourself.”

  “I plan to,” she said.

  “Yes. I’m sure you do.”

  And I plan to make sure you pay.

  The thought was satisfying. My heart raced in my chest and I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. It felt good—damn good. I had no clue who I was going to give the evidence to without having to disclose how I got it and how I knew about it. If it was discovered that I’d stolen the phone from the house, the evidence would probably be thrown out in a court of law.

  I’d figure it out later. Right now, I was tired. I needed a nap and to get my new dog home. John would be thrilled to see her.

  Getting into my car and finding my coat in pieces and the passenger seat with a big hole in it, I sighed and then laughed. “I’m going to call you Karen the Chair Eater.”

  Karen barked and licked my face. She circled six times and then finally settled herself on the passenger seat along with the pieces of my coat and the stuffing from the chair.

  “You ready to go to your new home?” I asked her.

  She glanced over and burped in my face. Shaking my head, I groaned. Karen the Chair Eater promised to be a handful. But she was mine, and I was keeping her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Did you get Botox?” Jennifer asked, eyeing me curiously.

  “No, I didn’t get Botox,” I said with an eye roll as I pushed the queso dip to the other side of the table so I wouldn’t finish off the whole bowl. Cheese was my weakness.

  I knew Gideon was showing up at my house later, so I didn’t want the gals to come over.

  Right now, I wasn’t sure that I was going to be there either.

  Heather didn’t want to make a late night of it since she had the second part of the bar exam tomorrow, but she needed to eat. Our favorite Mexican restaurant was a perfect way to celebrate day one of the bar exam.

  “Did you get your girls lifted?” Jennifer asked, still examining me like I was a science experiment.

  “No, and I never will,” I informed her with a shudder. “Did you know they have to remove your nipples for that surgery and you could lose all sensation?”

  “They also have to make your boobs bigger,” June said with a giggle. “After I finished breastfeeding my fourth baby, I went for a consultation. Just awful.”

  “Why?” Missy asked as she shoved the queso back to my side of the table. Missy had a cheese weakness too. “What was awful?”

  “Well,” June said, leaning in and lowering her voice to a whisper. “I thought they just kind of pulled them up and then cut the extra skin out from under your arm.”

  “Makes sense,” Heather said with a shrug.

  “I thought so too,” June said. “Apparently, I was an excellent candidate with my saggy bosom.” She giggled and ate a chip. “I started to laugh hysterically when the doctor explained what they actually did. Almost peed my pants. She asked me what I thought the procedure was going to be like, and I told her. Then it was her turn to laugh and she told me if she did it my way, my nipples would be pointing straight up at the ceiling!”

  “Oh my God,” Heather said with a laugh. “I get it.”

  “Right?” June said, still giggling. “I thanked the doctor for her time and left. My husband likes my girls just fine, and I do too.”

  “Was it a doctor in town?” Jennifer asked since she knew all of the plastic surgeons around here and the surrounding towns on a first-name basis.

  “Oh my, no,” June said. “I went to Atlanta. I didn’t need anyone gossiping about my saggy bosom.”

  “You have a lovely bosom,” Heather said, patting June’s hand.

  “She a lesbian,” Jennifer said. “That’s a true compliment there.”

  Heather laughed and rolled her eyes. She threw a chip at Jennifer and nailed her right in the middle of her over-Botoxed forehead.


  “So how was the first day of the exam?” I asked, sipping on my frozen margarita.

  I was shocked that I wasn’t exhausted. Having a drink should have been off the table for me, considering what I’d done this afternoon, but I felt bizarrely terrific. I’d even gone for a run after I’d gotten home from getting John’s phone. Usually, I ran five miles, but today I ran with such ease and speed, I upped my mileage to ten.

  Turning forty was not as bad as it was reported to be. Maybe Missy had been correct. I hadn’t felt this good in… well, ever.

  John had been beside himself to see Karen. Even though she couldn’t see him, it was as if she’d felt his presence. I was kind of relieved that I only had one dog that could see the dead. I’d put gaff tape over the lid of the trash can and asked Donna to keep an eye on Karen while I was gone. Both dogs had taken to each other immediately. John had been right. Everybody loved Karen and Karen loved everybody. I was probably going to have to get an electric fence for Karen. I didn’t worry about Donna running away, but our new addition was a loose cannon.

  It also occurred to me that I had a dog named Donna and a dog named Karen. While I was a fan of Donna Karan, I really didn’t want people thinking I’d named my dogs for a fashion designer. I’d decided to remedy that by always saying Karen’s name first if I was calling both of them.

  “The exam went as I expected and I aced it,” Heather said with a grin, raising her glass.

  “Humble much?” Jennifer asked with a laugh as she too raised her glass.

  “Only on Fridays,” Heather said with a wink.

  “You’re gonna own this town, baby,” Missy announced. “Watch out for Heather. She can put you away for life.”

  I froze and thought about John’s phone locked in my bedroom safe along with my passport and other important legal documents. Should I give it to Heather instead of the authorities? Maybe she’d let me get by without having to explain myself completely. It might be worth a try.

  “You okay?” Missy asked, kicking my foot under the table. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

  If she only knew. “Fine. I’m fine,” I said, kicking her back. “Just a little tired.”

  I could feel Heather’s eyes on me. She was still obviously worried about me and the possibility that I thought Steve’s ghost was hanging out. Sucking up my tired, I put a smile on my face to allay her fear—a real smile.

  “Hey,” I said, grabbing Heather’s hand and squeezing it. “I’m really proud of you.”

  She smiled and squeezed back. “Thank you. I’m kind of proud of myself,” she said with a chuckle. “So, what’s it like working from home this week?”

  “Very nice,” I said, giving up on avoiding the queso and digging in. I ran ten miles today. I could eat a little cheese… or a lot. “I could get used to it. Donna is the best dog in the world. Oh my God,” I said with a laugh. “I adopted another one today.”

  “Are you nuts?” Jennifer asked.

  “Yes. Yes, I am,” I told her. “When I go back to work, Donna will be alone and I wanted her to have a friend.” The lie came effortlessly, but it wasn’t all a lie. I did consider Donna when I promised John I would adopt Karen. “Two isn’t any harder than one.”

  “That’s what my ex said when I found out he was cheating with the gal at the post office,” Jennifer announced to the entire restaurant. “That Kitty Benton is a hussy. Of course, my ex couldn’t get hard without Viagra, so not real sure he made a solid point.”

  “That was the worst pun ever,” Heather said with a groan.

  “I’m good like that,” Jennifer shot back with a cackle. “I’m just full of them!”

  “And on that note, I’ve got to get some sleep,” Heather said, standing up and motioning for the bill.

  “Nope,” I said. “I’ve got this. You are not paying for your own celebration.”

  “We’ve all got this,” June said, pulling out a credit card. “We can all split it evenly and pay for Heather.”

  “Umm… I drank a little more than the rest of you lightweights,” Jennifer pointed out accurately. “I should pay more.”

  “All comes out in the wash,” Missy said, giving Jennifer a quick hug. “No worries.”

  We paid and walked out together. I was blessed to have these women in my life. I’d noticed a few covert glances between Heather and Missy. It was obvious they still had feelings for each other. I would never get involved, but I wished with all my heart that they could work it out. Love was something that didn’t always come along. If it was there, they needed to grab it and hang on.

  “Heather,” I called out as we all headed to our cars. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Always,” she said. “Oh, how was Gram?”

  My friend had no clue how loaded her question was. “She was good.”

  “Awesome. What can I help you with?”

  “If someone possibly knew something about something and wanted something done about it, how would they go about doing that?” I asked and then winced. The sentence made no sense whatsoever.

  Heather cocked her head to the side and squinted at me. “Want to rephrase?”

  “Yes. Definitely,” I said with an embarrassed laugh. “Let’s say I knew something possibly illegal had happened, and I had proof. I couldn’t say how I knew how to get the proof or what I might have done to get it. What exactly would I do with that proof?”

  Heather was quiet for a long moment as she stared at me. I squirmed under her steady gaze. She either thought I was crazy or I was into something bizarrely bad. Both options were true depending on how you looked at it.

  “You would give it to me,” she said.

  I waited for her to question me more. She didn’t.

  “Umm… okay,” I said hesitantly. “Can I come over tomorrow night after you’re done taking the bar?”

  Heather nodded. I couldn’t believe she didn’t press for more, but Heather was that kind of friend. God, I was lucky.

  “Yep. And Daisy?”

  “Yes?”

  There was another long pause as I watched Heather search for what she wanted to say.

  “Nothing. Just be careful,” she said, giving me a hug.

  “I will. I have two dogs now. Not really great guard dogs, but better than nothing,” I told her, trying to lighten the heaviness of the conversation.

  “Not what I meant, but okay,” she replied with a smile as she got in her car.

  “Heather,” I said as I pulled my keys out of my purse. “Which one of you found Donna for me?”

  Heather laughed and shook her head. “Which one of us do you think picked Donna?”

  “I’d guess you,” I said as a strange and unfamiliar tingle ran through my body.

  “Then you would have guessed correctly,” she said as she eased her car out of the spot and backed up. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, Daisy.”

  “Yep. Tomorrow,” I said as I watched her drive away.

  My mind raced with all kinds of unbelievable scenarios. I needed to stop. My imagination was going to get me into trouble. My reality was unreal enough as it was. I didn’t need to be attributing weird to things that were normal.

  It was time to go home. I checked my watch and sighed. It was only eight o’clock. I knew Gideon would show up at ten. Maybe I could catch a quick nap before the ass came over.

  Or maybe I would put on some makeup and change out of my jeans… Or maybe not.

  It wasn’t a date. It wasn’t a booty call. It was nothing. He could talk for a half hour and then I would kick him out.

  If Gideon was indeed the Grim Reaper, I had some questions for him. Did I want the answers? Probably not. However, I was fairly sure he didn’t care what I wanted.

  Yay me. Today had been the longest day of my life so far and it wasn’t over yet. Hopefully the worst wasn’t yet to come.

  “The couch actually belongs to me,” I said with a laugh, shoving both Donna and Karen over. “My butt is bigger than two inches wide.”

 
; Donna barked and Karen made a silly whiney sound as her tail wagged spastically. If sitting on the couch was going to be an issue, I couldn’t wait to see what would happen when the three of us went to bed.

  “Okay dead friends, you have a choice,” I announced, grabbing the TV remote and hitting the guide button. “Dancing with the Stars or The Bachelorette. I like Dancing with the Stars better, but I plan to take a quick nap so the choice is yours. If you want to watch B celebrities doing the cha-cha, go by the fireplace. If you want to watch an idiot choose a fake husband, go by the front door.”

  The TV habits of my dead squatters were serious business. I’d accidentally left the news on earlier and they went nuts—flew around like a tornado and squealed so loudly I thought I might have lost partial hearing in my right ear. I would not make that mistake again anytime soon. I’d get my news from NPR in my car from now on. Losing my aural skills wasn’t an option.

  Just as I expected, they wanted The Bachelorette. They had no taste.

  As I curled up under the afghan and started to fall asleep, a thought occurred to me. John hadn’t moved on yet. My guess was that he couldn’t until something had been done about his murder. John might be living with me for a long time. I hoped not, but the reality of getting Sarina put behind bars for life wasn’t a good bet. Even if I gave the proof to Heather, I wasn’t sure what she could do with it.

  “Hey, John?” I asked, trying to keep my eyes open. “If we nail your wife, where would you like your money to go? Did you have anything in your will that goes beyond your wife getting your estate? You know, if you guys had died at the same time.”

  “Naawwwooo,” he said.

  “Well, if you had a choice, where would you want your estate to go?”

  “Yooouah,” he said with a nod of satisfaction.

  “Umm… nope,” I said, sitting up with a laugh. “And that’s not what I meant at all. I can’t and won’t take any money from you. I’m just putting it out there that if we can get a conviction on that piece of shit, where would you like your money to go?”