Believe in yourself. Hope woke inside her and spread its wings. She pictured herself in a long sweeping dress with Lottie as a flower girl and a man gazing down at her with the adoring look of a groom who had eyes only for one woman.
But that was where the film in her mind abruptly ended.
Because she could only picture one man in that role. And Jake had been clear from the start that love was something he could never give.
‘Thanks,’ she said, and her voice was a little husky with emotion. ‘I’d really appreciate that.’
Jake went into the kitchen to make hot drinks, but he was preoccupied, thinking about their conversation in the hospital earlier. He wasn’t used to opening up, but Evie had helped him to realise that his guilt was futile, and perhaps misplaced. And, as he’d grasped that, a deep sense of peace swept through him. He knew he owed her for helping him let go of the guilt. He could move forward now, unchained.
And yet his mind lingered in the hospital waiting room, haunted by the fear, sick with worry for Evie.
He carried the drinks into the lounge, and they snuggled up in front of the fire. They talked, they touched. He smoothed her hair back from her face, she slid her hand beneath his sweater and his muscles flexed beneath her touch. Her lips found his, and they began to rediscover each other after the last twenty-four hours apart.
‘This isn’t a good idea,’ he whispered, pulling back. ‘You need to take it easy.’
Her smile was wicked. ‘I am taking it easy. I want this.’
Desire tunnelled through him, tightening its grip on him. He felt the fire light, and the blood raced in his veins. She peeled away his sweater, his T-shirt. She ran her palms over his chest, waist, hips, making him shudder with anticipation. And when need had coiled itself so tight it became unbearable, their bodies finally connected and he looked into her eyes. Evie blinked back at him, her smile veiled with passion, and he made love to her until she closed her eyes and gasped with pleasure. He wasn’t far behind, but as he watched her hurtle towards her climax, emotions welled up in him, powerful. Terrifying. Evie came undone in his arms, and shortly after his body exploded.
It should have been perfect. But as Evie whispered his name, a hook caught in his chest. The piercing sensation was both exquisite and terrible, and he shrank back from it.
Confused, he tried to make sense of what he felt: the rushing sensation, the dizzying feeling that his world was spinning on its axis, the finger of ice that scratched his spine.
He opened his mouth to say her name but no words came out. Instead, fear gripped him. He didn’t want this – he didn’t want to feel emotions as strong and vivid and acute as this, in neon colour and full surround-sound. Not again.
Memories rushed to the surface. The desperate emptiness after Maria had gone. What if Fate punished him a second time? What if something happened to Evie? When she’d banged her head, it had been a taste of what might be. The fear for her life … It had been too much. He couldn’t go through that again.
He waited until she was heavy in his arms, then he slowly levered himself away. He made sure the fleece blanket was tucked around her, and he left the room. Outside on the terrace, the darkness was waiting for him.
Familiar. Cold. Inevitable.
Chapter Eighteen
The first time she woke and found herself alone, Evie frowned, then went back to sleep. The second time, however, she sensed something was wrong, sat up and looked around.
The fire had burned itself out, and Jake had gone. She got up to go and look for him. The blanket wrapped around her, she noticed the French windows were ajar and spotted him outside on the terrace.
He was leaning against the balustrade, staring into the darkness, lost in thought. She shivered as the chilly night air swished about her bare legs. It was late, the early hours of the morning, she guessed. How long had he been out here?
‘Jake?’ she whispered from the doorway.
His head turned a fraction. His face was hidden in shadow.
‘What is it?’ she asked, as she joined him.
‘You’ll get cold. Go back inside.’
The gardens and forest around them were a black hole of whispers and rustling. She pulled the blanket tighter. ‘Jake, what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Something’s worrying you.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You don’t look fine.’
Although the space between them was only a few inches, it felt vast. Her mind worked fast, rewinding, trying to work out what had happened. Something must have triggered this, but she couldn’t work out what.
She mustered the courage to ask, ‘Is it Maria?’
He didn’t answer.
She wanted to help, but she couldn’t reach him when he withdrew like this. It reminded her of the first time they’d met when his eyes had been bloodshot and he’d reeked of whisky and loneliness. She knew he missed Maria, but it hurt when he shut her out.
Evie thought they’d created something during the last few days, a new bond. All those tender moments alone together, all their whispered conversations and heartfelt lovemaking.
The tiles felt rough and cold beneath her feet as she stepped closer, trying to read his expression in the shadows. But all she could see was the rigid set of his shoulders and the hard line of his jaw.
‘Jake, you’re scaring me,’ she said softly.
‘I’m fine. Go back to bed.’
She hugged the fleece blanket closer. ‘I can’t leave you like this.’
‘I’m fine. I don’t need cheering up, Pollyanna.’
She stiffened as if he’d slapped her and stepped back. His words stung.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said quickly. ‘I didn’t mean that.’
She heard him sigh, she heard his disgust at himself.
‘I warned you,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I told you I’m not a good man.’
‘Speak to me,’ she said. ‘You owe me that, at least.’
But he only closed his eyes. She bit her lip, battling frustration and hurt. She couldn’t reach him. He’d retreated into himself and it made her feel invisible. Insignificant. And insignificant was exactly how she’d felt with Tim.
Whereas Jake had become very significant to her.
Her heart gave a dull thud. This wasn’t just a fun fling any more, she realised, with a shiver. She turned and looked back at the villa, the warm glow of light in the lounge, the sofa where they’d made love just hours ago. Something had infiltrated her heart, a closeness she had never known before. Jake had knitted himself into her very being and become as much a part of her now as she was herself.
She dipped her head in despair. She’d gone and fallen in love with him.
When? She’d promised herself she wouldn’t get attached. She’d been so confident she wouldn’t get involved, wouldn’t get hurt, couldn’t get hurt. Yet here she was, feeling wounded, feeling raw at the sight of his rigid silhouette, silent and untouchable.
How had it happened? Was it their love-making, which had been so different from what she’d known before? Or the long days they’d spent together in quiet intimacy? All their whispered conversations at night when she’d opened herself to him?
They’d arrived here as friends, but in the space of a few days Jake had grown to know her better than … anyone, which shocked her. Yet even Natasha and Suzie hadn’t witnessed just how difficult her relationship with her parents was, or how much Tim had eroded her self-esteem. She’d fallen in love with the man who’d told her – who’d always been honest with her – that he could never love again because his heart belonged to someone else. How was she going to fix this?
She couldn’t. There was only one way this could end, and she knew it would be painful.
‘Jake, I won’t let you push me away,’ she said, steeling herself. She had assured his sister she wouldn’t let him mope, after all.
But it seemed that his grief had followed them there, after all. And hurt bubbled up in
side her, making her fists ball with frustration that yet again she wasn’t enough. ‘I know you miss her, but it doesn’t help, you know. It doesn’t help to hide away in the dark wallowing in self-pity. You could – you could choose to be happy with what you have, rather than what you don’t have!’
But even as she spoke the words, she knew she wasn’t enough to make him happy.
She was beautiful when she was angry.
The velvet light from the house made her face glow, a star in the dark night. She looked beautiful and she looked strong, wilful, confident. And he was glad that she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and to tell him—
To tell him what he already knew. That things were just fine as they were. He’d been overthinking, overfeeling.
‘I’m sorry, Evie. The last few days have been incredible. I’ve really enjoyed our time together. With you I –’ his voice cracked ‘– I could almost forget everything else. For a while, anyway.’
He’d learned to live and laugh again. When they’d made love, he’d forgotten everything but the moment, her heart beating against his, the sound of his name on her lips. And it was life-affirming, exhilarating.
But no strings, no emotional involvement was what they’d agreed, and those were the terms he would stick to. Tomorrow they’d return home and he wouldn’t miss her.
‘Almost forget? But not completely?’ The fleece blanket slipped a little, exposing her bare shoulder. Her skin was puckered with goose-bumps.
‘Never completely.’
He pretended he hadn’t seen Evie’s look of hurt before she swiftly turned away, hugging the blanket tighter. He ignored the needles of fear that pricked the back of his neck. He refused to analyse why his heart thudded furiously in his chest and memories of her unconscious on the bathroom floor flashed through his head. She had recovered now, and everything was fine.
‘I’m sorry I shut you out, but there are parts of me that … that will never be the same.’
‘I understand,’ she said.
But he could tell from the rough edge to her voice that he hadn’t said what she’d hoped to hear. His spine stiffened.
His gaze met hers in a silent warning. ‘It’s been a great trip. Thank you.’
He’d made no promises. He enjoyed her company, but he didn’t love her. When they went home to England normal life would resume and he’d be back to his routine, walking Smoke, working, travelling. She’d be just down the road in her shop or dropping in at the Old Hall to fit curtains and fuss over Smoke with that dimpled smile and mischievous glint in her eye.
But she didn’t heed the warning. Instead, she took a deep breath, as if she were about to say something difficult. ‘Jake …’ she began.
He looked up just in time to catch the flutter of fear in her eyes before she asked quietly, ‘What will happen when we go home tomorrow? To us?’
His skin prickled. ‘What will happen? We’ll go back to how it was before. That’s what we agreed.’
Silence.
‘But can we? Now?’
He tensed. Of course they could.
‘It’s what we agreed,’ he repeated.
‘I can’t do that, Jake,’ she said, and her words sounded raw. She looked down at her toes, which were curled under, rubbing against the terracotta tiles. ‘I’d rather not see you at all.’
He swallowed hard. ‘I see.’
Silence stretched. In the distance a night bird shrieked. He cast her another sidelong glance. She was biting her lip. She looked stricken.
What will happen to us? She’d rather not see him at all? He had a feeling he knew where this was leading, and an ominous sense of dread settled over him, like a dead weight.
‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Or is that a question I’m going to regret asking?’
‘I know we said this would be no strings, that it was fun and nothing more.’ She took a long slow breath in and her chin lifted. ‘But you see – the thing is … I love you.’
He didn’t move. His body was rigid with tension. It can never be love, he had warned her.
‘But we said – I didn’t …’ He cleared his throat. ‘You said you weren’t interested in a relationship.’
Her eyes shimmered in the semi-darkness. ‘I know. But we can’t always control how we feel. I didn’t ask to feel this way, Jake.’ Her voice was small. ‘But coming here – the last few days – things have changed between us. I thought you felt it, too. But even if you don’t, I can’t help it. I can’t undo it.’
Jake blew out a long slow breath.
Dammit, Hartwood. What have you done?
Chapter Nineteen
She spoke the words, then quickly closed her mouth, and it was as if she’d just offered up her heart on a tray.
I love you. Such a terrifyingly revealing confession. Yet those words couldn’t even begin to convey the swell in her chest, the loaded weight that had grown so fast and by such stealth during the last few weeks and days until now it filled her heart.
Evie made herself breathe. The cold, damp air crawled up her legs, making her shiver. Still Jake said nothing. His silence was torture.
Her heart sank. It was only what she’d expected. She’d heard the warning note in his words: It’s been a great trip. Thank you.
Goodbye. So long. Farewell.
But she had felt compelled to tell him the truth, so she’d mustered all her courage in the hope that maybe, just maybe, he—
Sometimes being an optimist really sucked.
And now she steeled herself because, mortifying as this conversation was, it wasn’t over yet. She could have left it there. She could have turned and fled, like she’d fled when she’d found Tim in bed with another woman, and she could have hidden away for the last few hours here in France, red-faced with shame and humiliation.
But if she did, she’d hate herself for being a coward.
She might not be perfect, but she was honest, and Jake needed to know how she felt. Because these feelings she had for him weren’t going away. Before she’d come to France, she had believed she was done with love and romance, that engagements and wedding bells and happy-ever-afters weren’t for her. But it wasn’t just her confidence that had grown this week: her dreams had too.
‘I thought – after Tim – that I didn’t want another relationship, but now I know that he didn’t so much break my heart as hurt my pride. Tim and I weren’t meant for each other. It was never a lasting love.’
He blew out a long, slow breath, and her eyes must have adjusted to the darkness because now she could make out his features enough to tell he was horrified.
Yet there had been times this week when she’d been so sure he felt something for her too. When he’d laughed and danced, when she’d glanced up from her sewing to find him watching her, when he’d made love to her and looked into her eyes and whispered her name as if it were a prayer.
‘Tim never loved me. He made me feel small and inadequate and stupid, but I see now that that doesn’t mean I am those things. And – and I believe there is someone out there who will accept me as I am …’ She gripped the balustrade. The rough stone dug into her fingers. ‘… and love me.’
She paused but couldn’t bring herself to look at Jake. Instead, she kept her gaze on the emptiness ahead where the olive trees sighed, invisible in the night. ‘And I know now that I do want my own happy ending.’ She lifted her left hand and looked at the bare finger that had once worn Tim’s engagement ring. ‘I deserve to be loved for myself. I hope to find the one who has eyes only for me.’ She took a deep breath and forced herself to meet Jake’s gaze. ‘I don’t want to live in the shadow of another woman.’
He was silent. Her heart drummed as she allowed the silence to unfurl, giving him time to respond.
But he didn’t. So she turned and went to leave, her shoulders, her feet, heavy with the pain of rejection.
‘I never promised love.’
His rough-edged words stopped her.
‘I was honest with you from the start,
Evie.’
She looked at him. Contrition was etched into his features. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know.’
A deep frown cut through his brow. ‘And you’re right. You do deserve those things. You are …’
Her breath caught as she waited for him to finish.
‘You’re very special, Evie.’
Her heart sank. She tried to smile but couldn’t find her voice to speak.
Chapter Twenty
Jake heaved himself out of the car and trudged round to the back. Smoke bounded out, displaying a lot more energy than Jake felt after their overnight trip to see a client in London.
‘All right, all right,’ he muttered, as the dog turned in circles, impatiently waiting for him to open the front door.
If he was honest, it had been a wasted trip. He could have dealt with the supply issues by phone and email, but he had kidded himself that it was good customer relations to pay his client a visit. In truth, he was trying to keep himself busy. Trying to distract himself and prevent his mind from wandering, replaying moments and conversations from his holiday with Evie.
He closed the front door with a heavy thud and looked around. Everything was exactly as it had always been, yet his footsteps seemed to echo louder around the empty hall and the house felt uncomfortably quiet. He made his way to his study and slung his jacket over the back of his chair. His gaze instinctively drifted to the window and the rooftops of Willowbrook village. He surveyed the church steeple and the cluster of tall trees beside it, and he pictured the village centre. He’d passed the Button Hole two days ago because Smoke had tugged him that way. He’d waved at Evie and hurried on, offering Smoke a treat in the hope that the dog wouldn’t be disappointed that they hadn’t stopped and spoken to her. Smoke had refused the treat and looked back at her shop with confusion – and longing.
Jake wondered what Evie was doing. He hoped she wasn’t hurting too much.
The Christmas Holiday: The perfect heart-warming read full of festive magic Page 26