He sighed and sat down at the desk. Guilt was eating away at him, but what else could he have done? She had been brave to admit she had feelings for him, and he’d had no option but to repeat what she already knew: that he could never offer her more than friendship. He’d always been honest with her.
Still, he was sorry it had cost them both so dearly. Their friendship had meant a lot to him. He missed her vibrant presence and her sunny outlook. He missed inhaling her apple scent as he woke up next to her and feeling her thick soft hair against his cheek.
He pulled out his phone and typed a text message to her. How was she? When was she going to visit her parents?
Then he sat back. She might not answer. He didn’t really expect her to. Yet his thoughts kept leading back to her.
Out of concern, that was all. Concern for a friend.
He fingered the scarf she’d given him and examined the strips of brightly patterned fabrics, the crazy combination of stripes and squares and flowers that butted against each other, singing and shouting in a bizarrely compatible explosion of colour. He looked at the tiny neat hand-sewn stitches that bound it all together and pictured her, head bent in concentration, as she had sewn it. For him.
He only wore it because it reminded him of their trip to France. It had been the perfect holiday – until she’d spoilt it by saying those three words. He let the fabric drop and pushed his hands into his pockets.
She deserved better than him. She deserved a man whose heart wasn’t blackened and damaged and twisted. She deserved the fairy tale she dreamed of, and he was sure she’d find her rainbow’s end.
This was the best thing for everyone.
The next day his mood hadn’t improved. In fact, he was even relieved of the distraction when his sister called to say she was in the area and could she pop in for a quick cup of tea? She wouldn’t stay long, she assured him. She had to get back for the kids.
‘Wow!’ she said, when he opened the door. Wide-eyed, she looked him up and down. ‘What a transformation!’
‘What do you mean? Have I had a haircut and no one told me?’
She hugged him, then stepped back, but couldn’t stop smiling. ‘You look like a new man. There’s colour in your cheeks, the frown lines have gone, and you’re not wearing black!’
He glanced down at his red sweatshirt and blue jeans.
‘Clearly that trip did you the world of good!’
‘Yes,’ he said, picturing the intense Mediterranean colours, the warm sunlight, and Evie’s dimpled smile and gleaming eyes as she’d teased him. Regret plucked at him, but he brushed it aside. ‘It was a much-needed break.’
Louisa followed him inside, but he was conscious as he led her into the kitchen that she was watching him curiously, as if trying to decipher a complex puzzle.
‘Coffee?’ he asked, filling the kettle.
‘Yes, please.’ She sat on a bar stool and looked around. ‘So … where’s Evie?’
‘Evie?’ His fingers gripped the cups he’d just reached for and he was glad he had his back to her so his sister couldn’t see his expression. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know?’ She sounded disappointed.
‘Why would I?’
‘I thought you two were – you know …’
‘What?’ It came out sharper than he’d intended. The fridge door slammed, and he put the milk down with a clumsy thud.
‘… an item,’ his sister finished calmly, unaffected by his bad temper.
We can’t always control how we feel. Evie’s words echoed in his mind.
‘We’re just friends. I told you that before.’
She laughed. ‘You really expect me to believe that?’
‘Yes,’ he said, through gritted teeth, ‘because it’s the truth.’
Her smile faded. She looked at him a moment longer. ‘Whatever.’
Thankfully, she let it go, and over coffee recounted to him how she and her family had spent New Year’s Eve.
‘Right, I’d better go,’ she said, a little later. ‘If I’m quick, I might just miss rush-hour traffic.’
Jake accompanied her to her car. As they reached it, he cleared his throat. ‘I – ah – I thought I might come and visit this weekend – if you’re around, that is.’
Her head whipped round. ‘Yes, we’re around,’ she said, beaming. ‘That would be lovely!’
‘Or perhaps you’d all prefer to come here? You could bring Harry and the boys, and I could invite Scarlett and her little ones too. We could have a belated turkey dinner together.’
Louisa was clearly delighted. ‘That sounds wonderful! The boys will love this place,’ she said, gesturing at the gardens and fields that surrounded them. ‘There’s so much for them to explore, so much space to run around!’
He was pleased that, for once, he’d made his sister smile. ‘I’ll arrange it, then.’
She planted a light kiss on his cheek. ‘I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Jakey.’
He heard the relief in her voice and felt a pinch of guilt for the worry he’d caused her these last couple of years.
‘But do me a favour, will you?’ She weighed her car keys in her hand.
‘What’s that?’
‘Patch things up with Evie. Because she’s good for you.’
‘What is she – a medicinal tonic?’
‘I like her,’ said Louisa. ‘She’s open and honest. A ray of sunshine. She’s exactly what you need.’
‘Is she?’ he said drily.
‘Yes. And you miss her, don’t you?’
He wanted to say no but his mouth refused to cooperate. He looked at his shoes, because he couldn’t meet his sister’s eye.
Louisa tilted her head a little. ‘What happened between you two? Did you sleep with her?’
He stiffened. ‘That’s really none of your business.’
‘I’ll take that as a yes. Then what?’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Wait. Let me guess – you ended it?’
He pressed his lips flat. It was pointless resisting his sister’s interrogation. She could read him better than anyone.
‘You bastard!’ She glared at him.
‘It wasn’t like that!’ he said quickly. ‘We had agreed no strings …’
Louisa rolled her eyes. She made as if to leave, then stopped. ‘Tell me something, Jake. How do you feel now? Do you ever think about her?’
His heart thudded. All the time. ‘Yes,’ he said quietly.
‘You miss her?’
Terribly. ‘A little.’
Memories assaulted him: Evie with the wind in her hair, head tipped back, grinning; the two of them whirling around the kitchen and out onto the terrace; falling asleep together, their limbs entangled, her hair splayed over his chest. Her laughter rang in his ears; her whispered words in the quiet of the night haunted him. His chest constricted.
Louisa placed a hand on her hip. ‘So?’
‘So what?’
‘What are you going to do about it?’
He frowned. ‘Do about what?’
She jabbed a finger at his chest. ‘You love her. You’re just too scared to face up to it.’
‘I don’t love her.’
He didn’t. He never had. He pictured her lying prone on the bathroom floor, the white lights of the hospital room.
This can never be love. If that’s what you want, you should walk away now.
Alone was familiar. It was safe. He tried to quash the hollow ache in his gut.
‘And I’m not – never was – in the market for another relationship.’
Louisa stared at him, stone-faced. ‘You’re planning never to have another relationship, ever? You’re going to lead a life of celibacy, are you?’
Anger simmered inside him. His jaw clenched. ‘What would you do, after what happened to me?’
Her expression softened and she said quietly, ‘Oh, Jake. You lost your wife and it was painful, it was unfair, it was tragic, and you were incredibly unlucky. But you’re over the worst now. Yo
u will get through this and you are getting through this. And, be honest, Evie’s played a big part in helping you get to this point, hasn’t she?’
His chin went up and he bristled at the truth in her words but couldn’t bring himself to reply. The blackness of the last couple of years rushed at him head-on, like a charging bull. He couldn’t go through that again. If anything happened to her … He couldn’t risk opening his heart to those levels of pain a second time.
And yet his sister’s words resonated. Evie had helped him. She was good for him. She had brought out the man in him and helped banish the beast he had been when she’d first met him.
She had changed him.
‘You’re more positive, you’re walking tall and even smiling – occasionally – again.’ Louisa’s eyes were warm with sympathy as she paused to draw breath. ‘Whatever happened with Evie, you need to sort it out, Jake. You’re hurting. I’m guessing she’s hurting too, and there’s an obvious solution to all this – but first you need to take your head out of the sand and admit to yourself how you feel.’
‘I don’t –’ he began ‘– I never—’
But Louisa was striding away.
He watched as his sister got into her car, waved and drove off. He stayed there, long after her car had vanished from view. Smoke whined and tugged at his sleeve, asking none too subtly to be taken for a walk.
‘Okay, Smoke. In a minute.’
He ran a finger under the collar of his sweater. It felt tight, his skin clammy. He unfastened the chain around his neck and cradled it in his palm. The slim gold band was duller than he remembered. It felt light in his hand.
The sensation of ice cracking and breaking loose made him frown. Overhead, pillowy thick clouds flowed past, driven by the wintry breeze, scattering like jigsaw pieces.
He would always love Maria, but he knew then that he was ready to let go.
Evie hurried to finish serving a customer, then turned to the next lady waiting in line. The Button Hole was so busy she’d taken on a new assistant, Liberty, to help in the shop, and all her new courses were fully booked, with waiting lists for some. The bank was happy. So was Evie. At least, she would be if she weren’t so preoccupied.
‘I’ll have a metre of each of these four fabrics, please,’ said her customer.
Evie unrolled the first and picked up her rotary cutter.
‘Would you like me to do that while you go on your lunchbreak?’ asked her assistant. ‘You haven’t stopped all morning.’
‘Oh, thank you, but I’m all right,’ said Evie, and sliced through the turquoise batik. It was totally out of character for her, but she’d lost her appetite recently. ‘You go, Liberty. I can manage here.’
Liberty disappeared into the back room.
‘Liberty, like the fabric?’ asked the customer.
Evie smiled. ‘Yes, but ironically she hates flowery material. Her quilts are all bold, bright colours and really modern designs.’
Her customer smiled, then returned her attention to the fabrics she was buying. ‘I’ve never made a quilt before, but I’ve always wanted to, and my daughter bought me a voucher for your shop for Christmas. Now I’m retired I have the chance to try my hand at it.’
‘It’s the perfect time of year to start sewing,’ said Evie. ‘When the weather’s cold and you can’t get out as much as you’d like, nothing beats sitting in front of the fire with a cosy quilt on your lap, stitching.’
And yet for the last week she had lost her enthusiasm for sewing. She dreaded going home to Love Lane. The evenings felt long and lonely. She forced away the negative thoughts and tried to focus on her customer. ‘These look really pretty. What are you making?’ she asked, as she folded the pile of fabrics and slipped them into a bag.
‘It’s a throw for my sofa.’
Evie’s mind drifted away as the lady described the pattern she was planning to use. Outside, a tall figure passed the shop, catching her eye – but her hopes sank when she saw it wasn’t Jake.
She’d seen him passing with Smoke. She was hurt that he hadn’t stopped, but she hadn’t really expected any different. She pictured him, alone in his big house on the hill. He’d sent her a short text but she knew he was just being polite and it hadn’t really said anything. He’d cordially enquired when she was seeing her parents, she’d answered, then heard nothing more since. He had clearly moved on, putting her out of his mind.
If only Evie could do the same. But her thoughts were stuck, like a knot of thread jammed in a needle. She wondered if he’d been glad to be reunited with Smoke, if he regretted their holiday. Did he think she was a fool? She’d suggested the fling, after all. She was a fool for not sticking to the rules they’d agreed.
Stop it, she told herself. Thinking about him was pointless. He had chosen to live alone, and she understood he still had feelings for his wife. His loyalty was one of the things she loved about him. She felt a sharp pain, as if her heart had been torn and left frayed at the edges. To tell the truth, she was deeply envious of his loyalty to Maria. She longed to be loved like that.
And one day she would be, she told herself. She just hadn’t met him yet.
Two weeks ago she hadn’t dared to hope for such a thing, and she had Jake to thank for rebuilding her confidence in the way he had, for helping her to see that not all men were like Tim, and that somewhere there was a man who would love and accept her as she was. She smiled, but it was a thin, watery smile.
Evie warily eyed her reflection in the hall mirror. The scarlet wool of her coat made her look pale, and she traced a finger over the faint smudges beneath her eyes. Her heart was heavy, not helped by the prospect of visiting her parents today.
She pulled herself up tall. Feeling sorry for herself wasn’t going to change anything. Look on the bright side: at least she could report to her dad that the Button Hole was beginning to turn a profit. A few weeks ago, nothing had mattered more to her. So why now did it feel like an empty victory? A short spell in France had been enough to turn her world upside down. She was reaching for her scarf when a loud knock at the door made her jump.
The door creaked as she opened it and she blinked as she took in the tall figure in a long coat who stood there, his Dalmatian at his side.
‘Jake!’ she said, then made herself clamp down on the delight she felt at seeing him, and the hope that he might have had a change of heart. She pulled the scarf tight around her neck and looked about for her car keys. Where had she left them? ‘Actually, this isn’t a good time. I was just going to—’
‘Visit your parents,’ he finished for her. His smile was both conciliatory and wary. He watched her cautiously, as if he was unsure what reception he would get.
She blinked at him. ‘How do you know?’
‘You told me. Can I come with you? I offered to give you moral support.’
True. Although he had made that offer before her bumbled confession of love. But he was a man of his word, she thought, with a ripple of admiration. He was still offering to keep his promise, despite all that had happened between them. She weighed up his offer. Would it make the visit harder to have with her the man who had recently broken her heart?
No, she decided, remembering how he’d stood up to her father. Any kind of moral support was welcome. ‘Well … I suppose so,’ she said, trying hard to sound casual and not too eager.
Smoke gave a small bark and she rubbed his ears. ‘Hello, gorgeous.’ She looked up at Jake. ‘Is Smoke coming too?’
‘If that’s all right with you? We can take my car.’
‘It’s fine. Mum and Dad have a big garden he can run around in.’
As he drove, she made one or two attempts at conversation. ‘How’s work?’ she asked.
‘Fine.’
She wondered if he’d struck a deal with François, but she didn’t like to ask. It was too painful to be reminded of the night they’d spent at the château. That was when everything had changed. When she’d foolishly suggested they take their friendship to
another level, and she’d believed she could handle the emotional consequences of doing that.
How naive she’d been.
‘Bet you’re glad the snow’s melted.’
‘Actually,’ he said, ‘I realise now that it was quite pretty.’
Evie stared at him. What had happened to Mr Arctic, who saw only the negatives in everything?
He smiled enigmatically and returned his attention to the road ahead.
‘Have you been away much with work?’
‘A little. Things are slow at this time of year.’
She couldn’t think of anything else to say or ask, so she let silence settle. The gently undulating hills unfurled around them, the bare fields making a patchwork of muddy browns and grubby greens.
‘I’ve got an interview for a new job,’ he said suddenly.
Evie’s head whipped round sharply. Her heart thudded. He was leaving?
She did her best to sound indifferent. ‘Oh, yes? What kind of job?’ God, she should have anticipated this. He was moving away to spare them the awkwardness of bumping into each other all the time. She felt deflated. Her eyes burned and she blinked hard.
‘Working as a GP.’
‘You’re going to be a doctor again?’
He smiled. ‘I miss it. You were right – it was much more rewarding than importing wine.’
‘Jake, that’s wonderful!’ Her hands balled into tiny fists, she was so excited for him. He’d make an excellent doctor. ‘I really hope you get the job.’
‘If I do, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me. It’s in the next village.’
‘The next village?’
He nodded. ‘I won’t need to travel any more.’
She wasn’t sure how to respond. She wasn’t sure how she felt about seeing more of him. It could be tricky. But she was glad he was finally settling down. Perhaps this meant he’d made peace with his loss. Perhaps he felt able to move on now. She hoped so. Her own feelings aside, she wished only the best for him. Just because things hadn’t worked out between them didn’t stop her hoping he’d find happiness someday, somehow.
‘So how was your Christmas?’ Evie asked her parents politely.
She put her cup of tea on the table beside her, worried that she might spill it over her mother’s expensive white rug or, even worse, drop it and chip the vintage Royal Doulton china. Beside her, Jake sat back in his chair. His unexpected presence had caused her parents to raise eyebrows, but Evie had introduced him as a friend. Hopefully, having him there would put them off discussing her love life – or lack of it.
The Christmas Holiday: The perfect heart-warming read full of festive magic Page 27